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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for saying that I believe "most" women aren't that interested in porn and for getting upset when DH tries to prove me wrong

113 replies

idiotwind · 04/01/2012 19:58

DH and I have been having this "debate" for a little while and I have to admit it makes me feel a bit under pressure to conform to his ideal - ie that most women do watch porn. This evening, I happen to have deleted the history on the computer purely because it was getting busy and he joked that I had been looking at porn. Which I wasn't. I don't really have any interest in it and, though have done very rarely in the past, it's not something I really enjoy. If anything I find it degrading to the women involved. When I stated this, my view, once again to DH he started looking online and printed out an article which vaguely implied that 40% of porn is downloaded by women and left it by the cooker. I said well that still doesn't mean "most" women.
I feel upset that he's tried to discredit my view and make me feel like there is something wrong with me for not being into it. He says, I quote "you are not all women so you can't speak for all women". He also says my reaction, ie getting upset by him doing/saying this is just hormones. I'm pg, 1st trimester. Which I again, feel like a devaluation of my feelings. But AIBU? Is it just hormones? Do most women in fact watch porn?
PS I'm a regular but have namechanged for obvious reasons Wink

OP posts:
WelcomeToDumpsville · 04/01/2012 20:26

oh this sounds all too familiar....OP am venting on a similar situation atm on another thread in AIBU but thankfully not my DH-am not sure whether my bloke is a pornuser turned pornpusher or just a jealous twat but similarities are there

nothing useful to add except don't be forced into doing anything you don't want to do and he is being an utter arse.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 04/01/2012 20:29

Agree with everyone above. All that matters is that you don't (I also think he's talking shit, but that's not relevant). I also think he's bullying you, and suspect, as others have said, that this is a prelude to coercing you into sexual actsyou don't want to take part in. He sounds like a total dick to me.

Bellstar · 04/01/2012 20:32

I enjoy porn though I tend to read more than watch. Have used it on my own and with dh.

I am a bitHmm about the statistics your dh has produced-not because I dont agree that lots of women use porn. I am just as sure you could print off any oold thing online to try and "prove" your argument.

I am equally Hmm at the ascertion that ALL men that use porn are sexually inadequate-bollocks.

PostBellumBugsy · 04/01/2012 20:37

Not really sure this is about porn as such. He is trying to make you enjoy something that you don't by out arguing you.
Still to your perfectly valid view that you don't like it. That should be fine. He should just accept that the two of your have differing views & leave it there. By the same token, if he wants to watch it in his own time that should be ok too.

MilitaryWag · 04/01/2012 20:37

I think you are over-reacting a bit. Dont engage with the debate. if he does not agree then that's his issue not yours. Sounds like he needs some validation for his interest in it. Porn has never bothered me but then...that's just me. Why does it degrade women? Last time I looked fellas were involved to Confused

PostBellumBugsy · 04/01/2012 20:38

Bother - read "stick" for "still" - opening 2nd para!!!!

loosyloo · 04/01/2012 20:41

i like porn now and again and I am female

Hairynigel · 04/01/2012 20:43

What tiger said on 3rd post.

Does it really matter how many women watch it? I have watched on my own a few times. I don't mind watching women but I prefer looking at pics of men, although the only sites I have found for this are gay sites Hmm

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 04/01/2012 20:43

But if it says that 40% of porn is downloaded by women, that doesn't mean that 40% of women are downloading porn! It could mean, daft example really, that this 40% is being downloaded by 2 women, or 100 women or 200 women - not likely, but you see what I mean, I hope!

Katy1368 · 04/01/2012 20:45

FWIW OP I have never looked and never will, use me to proove your point to your DH!

Lueji · 04/01/2012 20:48

If 40% like, it means that 60% (MOST) don't like it or aren't bothered.

I thought most men were decent at maths. Wink

Bellstar · 04/01/2012 20:52

Or lue-it could be that the other 60% are couples using it together as part of a healthy sex life!!

This thread is really giving me the urge to watch porn

GurlwiththeFrothyCurl · 04/01/2012 20:54

It doesn't even say that, Lueji, according to the OP. It says that 40% of porn is downloaded by women. That does not mean the downloads have been done by 40% of women at all! Unless the OP has not accurately written what was in the research.

mumnotmachine · 04/01/2012 20:55

I personally dont like it, but have no problem with it. Each to their own !

Scorpette · 04/01/2012 22:57

Have you pointed out to him that 40% is still the minority?! And how it is proven that this 40% are women? If this figure is arrived at by name alone, then surely a lot of that could be men using a false name! But of course, the main issue is your DH being an utter asshat. What HAS been proven is that the majority (not all) of women involved in porn and the sex industry in general, have suffered some sort of abuse (not necessarily sexual) as children and/or are involved in an abusive or disenfranchised situation whilst in that industry. I'd point this out to him as a much more relevant statistic...

Lueji · 04/01/2012 23:15

My bad, you are right. But that even proves less, as scorpette has said.

Original poster
idiotwind · 05/01/2012 00:00

Thanks for the comments all. Sorry to have scarpered - I didn't want to aggravate an already volatile situation. Appreciate the feedback nonetheless.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 05/01/2012 00:05

Just out of interest, OP, does your H always have to be right over every little thing? Would he, for instance, go on and on to this extent if the two of you disagreed over who played Captain Kirk's mum in the first Star Wars film or whatever?

DioneTheDiabolist · 05/01/2012 00:21

OP, s
Get a red pen and on the survey write in big letters "So what! I don't! End of!" and give it back to him with a smile. If he says one more thing about it ask him why the rate of female porn use is so important to him?

MiniMonty · 05/01/2012 00:54

Your husband printed out an article about porn and left it by the cooker ?
I'll just go and ask Germaine Greer about that scenario.

While you're pregnant he wants a debate about how many women like porn ?
Hmmm. I'll just go and ask my feminist mates about that one.

I wouldn't have engaged my wife in a debate about porn when she was pregnant because I kinda liked the locks on the front door just the way they were. (wtf is he thinking) ??

VERY bad timing on his part and tell him next time he fires up his computer his time would be better spent researching baby names or car seats instead of Asian babes and bra busting beauties. Hopelessly insensitive and dim.

As a bloke I know lots of women who enjoy erotica (in print) but very few who enjoy visual porn (pictures and videos) and contrary to popular myth most men find it dull and rather distasteful once they are past fourteen.

Assuming this is your first child then your old man needs to grow up - and very probably will once he takes in the reality of being a Father.
If it's number two or more then he needs to grow up A LOT.

dreamingbohemian · 05/01/2012 02:27

Oh my god, a man just admitted that not all men use porn?

MM we could have used you on some other porn threads this week!

OP, I'm a bit concerned that you said you didn't want to aggravate an already volatile situation. Are you being facetious? Because if your DH is seriously that worked up about this debate, that's ridiculous.

yellowraincoat · 05/01/2012 02:52

Really, minimonty? I think that's a stereotype that women are into written words and men into images, I've never found it to be true.

Anyway OP, as others have said, tell your man to stop wittering on, the discussion is over, you don't like porn and that's fine.

nooka · 05/01/2012 04:15

I hope you are OK idiotwind. Attempting to brow beat you in this way is unpleasant and going to the extent of researching for and printing the article is frankly I think a bit weird. Why does he think he is more able to speak for all women than you are in any case? You might not be "all women" but he is not a woman at all.

For the record I have watched porn a couple of times, found it a bit crap really, then found out rather more about the making of it and now object to it's mainstream production and use. Plus most of it really doesn't seem to be aimed at women - I would have thought there would be rather more stuff indulging women's fantasies if they were such big users.

BrainLikeASieve · 05/01/2012 05:08

Nope. Most women don't watch porn.
He's being a cock.

Zombi · 05/01/2012 06:46

It doesn't matter how many women watch porn. What matters is that your man has been a twatwaffle about it. Why he is trying to make you feel abnormal is anyone's guess. If you're not into it, you're not. Wether I or any other woman is is totally a non issue.