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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for saying that I believe "most" women aren't that interested in porn and for getting upset when DH tries to prove me wrong

113 replies

idiotwind · 04/01/2012 19:58

DH and I have been having this "debate" for a little while and I have to admit it makes me feel a bit under pressure to conform to his ideal - ie that most women do watch porn. This evening, I happen to have deleted the history on the computer purely because it was getting busy and he joked that I had been looking at porn. Which I wasn't. I don't really have any interest in it and, though have done very rarely in the past, it's not something I really enjoy. If anything I find it degrading to the women involved. When I stated this, my view, once again to DH he started looking online and printed out an article which vaguely implied that 40% of porn is downloaded by women and left it by the cooker. I said well that still doesn't mean "most" women.
I feel upset that he's tried to discredit my view and make me feel like there is something wrong with me for not being into it. He says, I quote "you are not all women so you can't speak for all women". He also says my reaction, ie getting upset by him doing/saying this is just hormones. I'm pg, 1st trimester. Which I again, feel like a devaluation of my feelings. But AIBU? Is it just hormones? Do most women in fact watch porn?
PS I'm a regular but have namechanged for obvious reasons Wink

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2012 07:18

OP, are you frightened of your husband ?

MM are you my husband ? Smile

lottiegb · 05/01/2012 07:30

So he wants to be with a woman who likes watching porn? Shouldn't he have checked before marrying you? Is he saying he'd rather be with someone else?

Does he often generalise about women being, doing and thinking a certain way? The 'hormones' comment suggests this, as well as his dippy attempt at argument. I see 'women are like this, men are like that' comments, when used repreatedly by anyone, as an expression of lack of insight, empathy, curiosity and ability to learn from experience. I'd suggest he recognises a need to get to know you better, so he can distinguish how and to what extent moods and hormones actually affect you. Then, if he cares about you, he will be better able to behave sypathetically and supportively, should there be a need.

His 'argument' is very poor though, on par with 'Mrs Thatcher is a woman so you should agree with her'. Is he a bit thick? If he actually wants to make a case, better research and arguments are needed, 0 out of 10 so far!

I'm not interested in porn and am too aware of some the conditions of its manufacture to take a casual interest, it doesn't seem a casual or harmless thing to me. I'd find someone who ignores that and views it as morally neutral as rather naive and self-absorbed, neither of which is attractive (but I generally do take an interest in where things come from and why they are as they are and I know a lot of people just don't).

Whatmeworry · 05/01/2012 07:31

Most people watch Strictly, I can't stand it. Personal taste. The issue usually comes to a head (as it were) if you therefore don't like him doing it.

ToothbrushThief · 05/01/2012 07:39

My ex liked porn. I felt uncomfortable but felt obliged to 'enjoy' with him. Occasionally it helped our failing sex life but then became a total turn off. I felt coerced. 'Old' porn was far less abusive than current porn from what I believe on here. I would never find abuse or degradation sexy.

I would walk away from current DP if he expected me to look at porn or even discuss it with him. It would be similar to tolerating racism -I feel that strongly about it. Just my opinion but I do feel happy being allowed to have that opinion.

MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic · 05/01/2012 07:49

What YankNCock says. Plus blaming things on you being pregnant is an automatic fail anyway - you can use that excuse, he's not allowed to.

FWIW I do know a fair amount of women who watch porn (I prefer mine written tbh) but I don't think it's the same stuff he watches. Most, no in fact all of the women I know who admit they watch or download the stuff tend to watch gay porn (two oiled up attractive men being better than one) Maybe you should start leaving some links to that in your browser history.

Original poster
idiotwind · 05/01/2012 07:52

Morning
dreaming no, I wasn't being facetious - he was quite worked up about it. And also worked up about me waking him for snoring.
solidgold yes, generally he does need to be right about everything. I often feel that I'm not allowed an opinion if it differs from his. He is very likely to go on and on about something like who played x in y film.
anyfucker no, I'm not scared of him. I hate how he treats me and how he makes me feel - my heart races and its like I'm going to explode with frustration because nothing I say is acknowledged. It scares me how that might effect the baby and i am often apprehensive of him trying to continue an argument like this after it's blown over, walking on eggshells because he gets a bee in his bonnet about all sorts of things, but I'm not scared of him.

OP posts:
lottiegb · 05/01/2012 08:06

It does sound as though he focuses on 'facts' because he lacks emotional intelligence and finds negotiating relationships with people hard.

A pity then that his ability to construct an argument based on evidence is so poor. Perhaps he feels frustrated about this, adding to his irritability - though this would require insight, so perhaps not.

Of course you are 'allowed' an opinion, you just state what it is and, if you like, that he has not convinced you otherwise and is very unlikely do so by pursuing his current line of argument. In the meantime you find his droning on about it rather dull. You need to tell him how he makes you feel. You could propose that all arguments should be resolved within the day 'don't go to bed on it' is a good rule. In the end, would he rather be 'right' (in his mind), or have friends?

Zombi · 05/01/2012 08:08

idiotwind imdb.com is a GREAT way to resolve who was in what film very easily but that's an aside I suppose. He seems very domineering. Can you really see yourself being dictated to forever?

diddl · 05/01/2012 08:30

"i am often apprehensive of him trying to continue an argument like this after it's blown over, walking on eggshells because he gets a bee in his bonnet about all sorts of things, but I'm not scared of him."

Sorry, but if you walk on eggshells then it sounds as if you are scared of him.

dreamingbohemian · 05/01/2012 08:47

Oh dear. Is there any chance you could go to Relate, or some kind of counseling? Because once the baby comes there will be a million opportunities for disagreement, over the smallest things, and it simply won't work if you always have to swallow your opinion and go along with him.

Do you have friends or family to lean on for emotional support? What do they think of him?

Original poster
idiotwind · 05/01/2012 09:29

We've been through an awful lot together, 10+ years, and he's very much a jeckyl and hyde character. He can be a total arsehole but is also very charming and generous and loving. The arsehole phases, imo, coincide with when he's not getting any, although I know he'd disagree with me.
My family feel the same about him - they are all very fond of him but they know he can be difficult and sometimes acts strangely when he's feeling insecure. Again, he would say "in your opinion" as if that discounts the validity of the remark. But it is my opinion and given that I know him better than anyone I would say its very valid.
We've done relate before, a few years ago. It helped although there were bigger issues at the time.
diddl I guess I am a bit scared of him - scared of getting into an argument that will go nowhere and just end up with me in a state of acute anxiety. What I meant though was that I'm not scared of him in a physical way.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 05/01/2012 09:38

Hmm. If Relate helped before it might be worth trying again -- the early days of parenthood will make the most confident person in the world crushingly insecure, so if that's a trigger for him to be an arse, it would be good t be as prepared as you can be for it.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 05/01/2012 09:38

You dont sound very happy. And he does not sound like an easy man to live with. He sounds rather frightening, to be honest.

Is he very keen to question and control your opinion? Does it annoy him that you have an opinion?`

Where do you see your relationship heading?

lottiegb · 05/01/2012 09:56

There is a difference between experience, unfounded opinion and opinion based on evidence that can be explained and amended as such. Does he never value your experience, knowledge, or even your opinion? He's basically saying 'shut up, I don't want to talk about it because I can't explain myself' and trying to shut you down. I'd find that very rude and direspectful, so would treat it as a deliberate insult. If he simply didn't agree, he could say 'well you know I don't agree on that point', which is true and leaves the topic open, while moving on.

I understand the value of shared history and experience but I also think the 'concorde fallacy' is very valid in relationships. That is, just because you've already invested a lot in something does not mean that continuing to invest is the right thing to do, if you know that the result will be not be profitable. You have to start from where you are and look forwards. Is he the person you want to devote your future to and raise a child with? Could other options be preferable? I'm not advocating one thing or another, just saying that 'because we've been together a long time' is never a good enough reason to continue doing something and that this might be a good time to step back, assess the options and come up with a plan of action, before you are completely absorbed with the baby.

Whatmeworry · 05/01/2012 09:57

The arsehole phases, imo, coincide with when he's not getting any

And...... :o

SarahStratton · 05/01/2012 10:05

He needs to become better friends with his hand. Tosser.

dreamingbohemian · 05/01/2012 10:46

Ooooh, 'concorde fallacy', that's very good.

oldmerryolesoul · 05/01/2012 11:19

Well it should not matter if 99.99% of women loved porn and you were the 0.01%. YOU dont like it and he should respect that and not try to bully you into his way

samandi · 05/01/2012 11:20

Personally I can't imagine why anyone would want to be with a character like the one you've described (obnoxious, need to be right all the time, impose his views on others, jekyll and hyde etc.), but it's obviously who he is and after 10 years I think you should probably have accepted that. IMO the best thing to do is to step back and refuse to engage, as arguing is obviously stressful and an utter waste of time.

thunderboltsandlightning · 05/01/2012 11:28

"He also says my reaction, ie getting upset by him doing/saying this is just hormones."

Well I was going to comment on this that he's discounting your feelings and opinions by trying to reduce them down to "hormones" as if his was the only valid point of view, but the fact that you're walking on eggshells with him is much more disturbing.

solidgoldbrass · 05/01/2012 15:56

He sounds like a bully and an arsehole, and unfortunately men like this often get worse when the first baby arrives. Don't be sidetracked by 'porn' here OP, that's not the issue given that you say he will argue about anything; it's all about him treating you like his property or his servant. And you don't have to accept it. You can leave a man who is unpleasant or unkind. Even though he's 'lovely a lot of the time'. All abusers are nice quite a lot of the time or people would not put up with them at all.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 05/01/2012 16:54

Your husband sounds like a horrible bully, and you sound like you have modified your behaviour to appease him

I am very sad to read that Sad

I think he will step up his hatefulness when that baby comes. You have been warned.

AlexTasha · 05/01/2012 17:11

Sounds like he is being horrible and manipulative, trying to make you into a freak for not enjoying something that maybe he feels insecure about? I personally would never download porn, I wouldnt care if my DP looked at it, but that certainly doesnt mean that I have to!

JosieZ · 05/01/2012 20:07

Take him to the local newsagent's and ask him to point out the porn mags for women.

Tell him you prefer romance so you will watch porn if he agrees to watch Gone with the Wind/ Pride and Prejudice etc

Whatmeworry · 05/01/2012 20:13

If he is not getting any, I think that explains most of the arseyness.