to think some people either have no sense or tact or just have a very warped view of the world ?

[dezfree]

Twice today I met people in work - who commented on my betrothal (engagment) ring (and seen my wedding folder on my desk - because yes that is what I do in my lunch - ohh and the aunt has been univited apparently my uncle is fumming - according to my cousins), asking when wedding is etc? (as plently of other people have)

But both these people instead of asking how me and to-be-DH met/how long we have been together (as others do/have)

One asked: Is it an arranged marriage?
The other: It must be hard arranging an arranged marriage, you don't even know the person you are marrying.

Yes to english ears I just have an accent. (I am Egyptian)
Yes I have an Arabic first name and a surname that people assume is completely Arabic.

But really?
Do these people really think that these are acceptable questions to ask someone?

Or is that just people's first thought/assumption when meeting someone they have never met?

Yabu when the actual reason is "some people are utter morons".

What do you say to them?

Oh come on - you are just far too nice - they are just being bloody rude and ignorant!

Holy cow. I'm sorry you have to work with such morons.

Ooh I don't think I could resist. I think I'd have to reply with something like 'oh, it's exciting when the first sight we'll have of each other's faces is when we've made our vows, real suspense' and 'obviously he's been given my vital statistics and seen my graduation photo, I'm sure my parents will make sure I've at least bagged a graduate' and just see the reaction. Then do a 'really, what did you think' and walk away!

I'm afraid I wasn't as clever as that itsatiggerday I told them both in no uncertain terms 'no' and that frankly such a question/statement was completely inappropiate and incredibly rude.

Well that's fair enough too! At least they might have questioned some of their assumptions before they insult anyone else...

Why are you offended at being asked if you are having an arrangeed marriage?

What in Jiminy is a wedding folder??

Well when you put items about your wedding on your desk, it's sort of an open invitation to ask about the wedding!!! You cannot really complain. Maybe I'm just a bit bizarre, would not occur to me to put a wedding folder on display on my desk (sorry no idea what a wedding folder is though). I think you are a bit overreacting perhaps. And as for uninviting someone to a wedding, well if you do that, you have to accept you could be in for some stick, that's why I was careful only to invite those I wanted to our wedding, you really really cannot complain about the backlash of uninviting someone, no matter what someone did. And as for asking if it is an arranged marriage, well I cannot see the offence there either, people are naturally curious. I was pregnant and gave birth before getting married, I wouldn't have been in the slightest bit offended if anyone had asked "couldn't you wait?" or "aren't you taking things a bit fast?".

Well I guess a wedding folder is a folder with the words wedding on it?

What a bizarre thing to ask someone. surely you ask how they met and if it is arranged they volunteer that information?
So YANBU especially about the 2nd person who just assumed and didn't even ask.

Natation - when OP said uncle is fumming I assumed that meant at the Aunt (correct me if I am wrong OP) not at OP and have you read that thread? I would have done the same and OP didn't expect her aunt to act the way she did.

OP seems like she didn't mind questions about wedding (said she has them previous)
Just that she objects to someone assuming she is having an arranged marriage just because of assumption of where she is from and (I presume) the assumption of her religion. And then a lack of tact at doing so and a narrw view of the certain cultures

How strange, are you the OP whose aunt was rude and said your wedding would incite the devil? How rude they are. You are christian anyway, aren't you?

It is rude crabapple because it shows people's ignorance in assuming that just because the OP has a vague middle-eastern appearance, in their tiny minds all weddings would be organised as according to some cultures.

Dh is half Asian, with an Asian 1st name. We got married at 21 yrs old. I cannot tell you the amount of people who asked if it was arranged or I was pregnant.

OP is it possible they just thought they were being 'culturally aware'?

Yes it is a rude question and shows their ignorance about anyone who seems to be from another country. Probably not meant to be offensive, but yanbu to be offended.

I moved from London to a much smaller town and am still surprised at the residents' reaction to non locals; 'I can't understand a word they say, can't pronounce their name I'll call them this' etc. Not exactly meant to be offensive, but is. They need a bit of educating.

I was a witness at a gay wedding/civil ceremony of close friends and when i told people at work (secondary school - teachers) they asked what i 'went as'? i said pardon - not really getting the drift and one said 'well wasn't it fancy dress?' and someone else said 'or themed...like tarts and vicars'?

I have several Asian colleagues and two of them had arranged marriages.

They volunteered the information but no I would never have asked nor assumed.

Yes to english ears I just have an accent. (I am Egyptian). Yes I have an Arabic first name and a surname that people assume is completely Arabic.

I would regale them on the perfect sheet to hold out the window to prove I was a virginal deflowerment :)

And tell them how you were locked in room with all the relatives outside listening with a glass at the door at how roughly he took you.

OP - some people are twats. You are getting married. I always get excited at weddings.

What are you going to wear? Do you need help choosing?

yabu. it is a well known fact amongst bigotted idiots that all "foriiners" have arranged weddings, at least the non white ones. [sarcastic emotion]

for the second time today yes some people are idiots. you seem to work with 2 of them.

Get yes.
And yep Uncle is fumming at aunt not at me.

It was the fact they thought it was an okay question to ask at someone you don't know. And then the comment which was just a bizarre assumption which I assume was because I am an arab.

I don't mind questions about wedding. And umm I like organisation so there is a folder for everything. It is just a ringbinder with wedding on it (I have one ready for christmas in 3 days as well, I even have a mini folder for the cleaning/washing)

Thanks - glad I didn't miss something.

red umm a red dress that is embroidered like a sari/lehenga/shalwar kameez (DH is british pakistani) but then the traditional coptic ropes that go on top with the crown.

I love the wedding folder - you sound like Monica from Friends

Tell them that the red dress is so that when you consummate the marriage in front of the eldest male relative from each of your families, on the table amidst the wreckage of the feast, it won't show the stains like a white one would. Tell them that it is after this part of the proceedings that you lift your veil and he takes his "Lone Ranger" style mask off Do this with a completely straight face

I have just googled images of coptic wedding ceremonies - they look absolutely beautiful. I love the crowns and ropes. No wonder you are so excited!

The assumption made by the second person was ignorant

But I see nothing wrong in the number one's question.

Some people have arranged marriages and some don't. They're not going to know unless they ask, and it's your perogative not to answer if you don't want to.