to think some people either have no sense or tact or just have a very warped view of the world ?

[dezfree]

Twice today I met people in work - who commented on my betrothal (engagment) ring (and seen my wedding folder on my desk - because yes that is what I do in my lunch - ohh and the aunt has been univited apparently my uncle is fumming - according to my cousins), asking when wedding is etc? (as plently of other people have)

But both these people instead of asking how me and to-be-DH met/how long we have been together (as others do/have)

One asked: Is it an arranged marriage?
The other: It must be hard arranging an arranged marriage, you don't even know the person you are marrying.

Yes to english ears I just have an accent. (I am Egyptian)
Yes I have an Arabic first name and a surname that people assume is completely Arabic.

But really?
Do these people really think that these are acceptable questions to ask someone?

Or is that just people's first thought/assumption when meeting someone they have never met?

Yes, everyone is ignorant of something, but IMO the problem here is ignorance plus reliance on stereotypes.

YANBU

On the other hand, I used to work with a woman of Pakistani origin. Her father is a quite well known liberal progressive Islamic scholar. She insists that she had an arranged marriage, even though she met her DH at university, and it was a love match, because she and her then fiancé told their parents that they wanted to marry, and let the parents make all the arrangements! She was most put out when we insisted that the parents had only arranged the wedding, not the marriage.

Obviously YANBU. They were making assumptions based on your name and accent.

Now that is out of the way, you have to tell us what's in the laundry folder.

I have no problem with arranged marriages - i wouldn't exist if they didn't exist.

I objected to the comments because there wasn't a basis for them - if i had said something about wedding/marriage/DHtobe then they had asked if it was arranged then I could understand, (they have no idea who my partner is) but I didn't.
The only basis of the comments i can fallom is my name and the what I look like
If it was a relatively common question to ask someone who is engaged then i could accept it but i guess it isn't.

And the cleaning folder has plans of each room (drawing) with a list of what products to use on what and when (so a calender saying eg when oven was last clean and when it is due another same with sofa etc) then there is a list of when each bedding and towels and stuff were last washed and when they are due (weeks alternate) and then a list of what products on what and when ( say if i use whitener on something everyother month it is written down when and when next)
And yes the cupboards and wardbrobes are very organised and systemised.

People ask me all the time if I had an arranged marriage, I have never got offended . The people are usually.from backgrounds where arranged marriages are practiced themselves and some did and some didn't.

YANBU. They are rude and ignorant. Along the lines of the idiots who ask one of DH's mates whether "he has another wife in his "home country"".

Please can you spell 'fuming' correctly? Please. Fumming rhymes with strummimg or humming.

OP - reading some of the posts accusing the people at your work of being ignorant makes me glad I work for myself and never have to put up with the legal and social minefields that must exist in the modern office.

Unless you suspect those two people of having ulterior motives for their assumptions / questions?

It's ignorant to make assumptions about someone based on their appearance and rude to ask personal questions of someone you don't know.

It has nothing to do with working in an office

dezfree - you sound amazingly organised! Will you please marry me instead? My life is horribly haphazard :o

Ok, I'm ignorant. What is wrong with asking someone if it's an arranged marriage if that person comes from a culture where arranged marriage isn't unusual (given the comment that the OP wouldn't exist without arranged marriage)?

Are people whose marriage was arranged supposed to be ashamed of the fact? Is it a secret? Do people living in a culture of arranged marriage not ask each other?

Would it still have been rude to ask if the answer was 'yes'?

I think the point is that the people who asked made assumptions about the OP's culture and marriage based on her name and the colour of her skin, rather than knowing much, if anything, about her. Her OP suggests that she had met these people for the first time.
I think that is what she is upset about, rather than having any negative views on arranged marriages per se.

What else did you want them to base assumptions about her culture on, the first time she met them?
Or.did you want them to make no assumptions?

Well done for putting them in their place, OP, and no, YANBU. I'd bet my bottom dollar that no one would ask a white person if they were having an arranged marriage. Pure racial stereotyping.

I read your other thread, about the lunatic troublesome aunt. Hope that's going OK. And good luck for the wedding! Sounds beautiful.

fuming

nailak, yes, not making broad and kneejerk assumptions would've been nice, I think. Or would that be too much to expect?

Someone might ask a white English person with a new baby if they were having a christening. Should I be horrified at their lack of tact, sense and warped world view as the answer would be no?

I might see that question as forward, but ignorant?

There is nowt wrong with having a wedding folder. I had a wedding slate when I was a young bride to be (ok, it was a wedding book, I am not that old).

YANBU. I feel sorry that you have to work with such small minded people as they appear.

Have a lovely wedding.

I assumed OP would be upset because it's a bit of a personal question to be randomly asked!

I think perhaps (and I wish she'd come back and answer it herself) the OP was more pissed off by the second one who didn't even ask, just assumed the wedding would be an arranged one.
So by that standard, in your example noblegiraffe, the question would be "When are you having the baby christened", taking the christening as a given, rather than asking if the baby was going to be christened.

The thing is I can't see myself getting that worked up about 'when's the christening?' either.

It's not as if the assumption that the OP came from a culture which practises arranged marriage is incorrect - she says she wouldn't exist but for it. And it's not as if she has a problem with arranged marriage so it's not like they were asking/assuming something personally offensive to her.

So why are they completely lacking in tact, sense and with a warped world view?

What if they'd asked the questions of someone who didn't come from a culture with arranged marriages, or someone who did have a problem with it? You can't know in advance what the recipient of your questions might feel or what their situation might be, so if you have tact and sense you don't presume. Warped world view ? well my guess is they thought 'getting married + non-white skin = probably arranged', which is, if warped is a bit strong, at least a narrow and stereotyped way of thinking.

But the OP was snippy in response and apparently personally offended at being asked. (I understand the annoyance at the one who assumed).

As an aside, if two people I'd never met came up to me in the same day and asked if my marriage was arranged, I'd think that there had been some conversation somewhere and speculations made or wires crossed.

I don't think she was snippy. I think she was perfectly entitled to tell them their comments were inappropriate and rude.