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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours accused DP of being homophobic...

79 replies

HeyHoLetsGo · 04/01/2012 16:40

Bit long but will try and condense.

We live in one of a row of terraced houses where the neighbours all get on well and where many of the garden fences have been taken dwon to allow the children who live here more space and to have shared vegetable patch etc.

Our next door neighbours for 5 years have been a gay couple who we have become very good friends with, they are similar ages and outlook/sense of humour/interests to us, we go to the pub together, we have film nights, they babysit our DCs, and so on. Over New Year they had friends to stay, as did we, and there was a bit of a joint party.

Anyway since then we have noticed them being rather off with us, then yesterday afternoon they came round and said they were very offended by something our 7yo DD had said. Apparently on NYE she was talking to them when they told her she had to come home now as their friends were due to arrive, and DD said "Oh yes your 'bian' friends are coming aren't they". They then asked her to repeat what she said, so she did, and when they asked where she heard that she told them she had just heard 'somebody' say it and wouldn't say any more.

They are now accusing DP of calling their friends (and therefore them) 'bians' which they say is a highly offensive shortening of 'lesbians', they say they are furious as their sexuality is not a shameful secret and that it deserves its full name and that they are not just 'lesbians' they are people with names. They think DP has said this because they had a slight disagreement with him earlier on NYE (sorted out and forgotton by the evening) about their friends bringing a dog (which has previously been a right PITA when here) and so they now think he used homophobic language about them in anger.

DP says he didn't say it, and I believe him. He can be quite sweary when annoyed, and does mouth off a bit to me sometimes when people have pissed him off, but he is absolutely NOT homophobic and I have never ever heard him (or anyone else for that matter) use 'bians' as a derogatory term anyway.

I did ask DD about it, but she insisted she had just heard 'someone' say it and wouldn't say anymore, and I don't want to make a massive deal out of it to her. She wouldn't have known it was going to offend them - their sexuality isn't commented on by us at home, though she does know what the word 'lesbian' means as I explained it to her and told her it was not a bad thing by any means after she heard it at school last year.

WWYD? What would you think of the whole thing? DP is livid they would even think it of him to be homophobic, I am bemused by how badly they have taken a child's comment but obviously don't want to ignore their clear hurt and anger over it.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 04/01/2012 16:43

From what you've said it sounds as though they have a chip on their shoulder.

If you've all been close friends for 5 yrs, it's a very odd way to react.

Original poster

HeyHoLetsGo · 04/01/2012 16:45

Well they are not usually like this!

One of them seems to be driving it tbh. The other is calmer in general and said to me earlier that she accepted there could be another explanation but that this was the most likely one...

OP posts:

wahwahwah · 04/01/2012 16:47

I have never heard that either. It didn't sound like she was saying it in a bad way anyway - rather as if she was saying 'your - London/new/other... - friends'.

It sounds as if she had heard the word and was just parroting, as children do. No worse than repeating a swear and should be treated the same.

loosyloo · 04/01/2012 16:47

maybe the kid meant human beans

or the french word for good

shrugs who knows, let alone who cares :)

WorraLiberty · 04/01/2012 16:48

I've never heard of lesbians being referred to in that way actually.

Can your DD try harder to remember where she heard it? Maybe then, you could prove it?

I have to say though, I think I'd be too pissed off with them to bother.

Whatmeworry · 04/01/2012 16:48

I suspect all the kids call them 'bians, kids can be like that.....

AngryMotherF · 04/01/2012 16:50

I agree they have a chip on their shoulders.

They are getting pissed off for you because of something a 7yo said?

I can understand them questioning the comment, it does seem like an odd thing for a 7yo to say, but I would have thought that your friends would know you well enough to know that you are not homophobic. Are they stupid enough to think that your dd would be babysat by them if you were?

They should have talked to you when it first happend instead of being off with you.

Maybe they have had their fair share of homophobia and are now just being hypersensitive and taking it out on people that won't argue back. I would tell them that you are just as offended as they are because of the implication that your dh is something that he is not.

minimisschief · 04/01/2012 16:50

how is referring to them as lesbians offensive anyway?

JaneFonda · 04/01/2012 16:50

I may be totally in the dark here, but I was unaware that 'bian' is a derogatory term for lesbian? The way I read it, it was just a child mishearing/misunderstanding the word lesbian and so using that in a perfectly innocent way.

I don't doubt for a minute that your DP isn't homophobic, and after being friends for such a long time it does seem like a very strange way for your friends to react.

Bloodymary · 04/01/2012 16:51

Well I have never heard of the term 'bians', ever, and I am a great deal older than 7.

Plus I have spent years living in a very gay area on the south coast.

YANBU.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 04/01/2012 16:52

Meh, sounds like they're desperate for some drama tbh.

Very weird.

Christmasford · 04/01/2012 16:52

I'm a lesbian and that would not offend me at all and I have never heard it being used as a term of abuse. Sounds more like a child who has heard a word, forgotten it and said the sound she remembers. They are being odd. My dd calls her vagina a "gina" (she is 2) does this make her vagina-phobic?...

YANBU and they are being strange....

Dustinthewind · 04/01/2012 16:52

It's more likely that she's picked it up at school in the playground if you and your partner don't use that sort of shorthand insult at home.
It's hardly the worst that gay partnerships have to face in the community, I'm surprised that they are furious rather than just a bit disappointed.
Let it go, perhaps a sense of perspective will develop in your neighbours with time.

Original poster

HeyHoLetsGo · 04/01/2012 16:54

I have never heard it either. They said that it is what people used to use who thought lesbians were dirty and shameful and not to be spoken about?

They said we were among the few people on the terrace who knew their friends were a) coming and b) also gay and so it must have come from one of those people, and that they suspect DP said it because he was pissed off about the dog thing.

OP posts:

neshnosher · 04/01/2012 16:56

Ignore them and if they ask why you are not talking to them tell them that you think they have behaved like twats.
Then they can be really offended.

dreamingbohemian · 04/01/2012 16:56

Because it was a young child saying this, I think they are overreacting -- kids say all kinds of insensitive things, it doesn't mean they mean anything by it or that they got it from their parents.

Because you are good friends and would presumably like to keep it that way, however, I think it would be good for you not to get too upset about it. I would just say that you have no idea where your DD got the word, it definitely wasn't from the two of you, and you will explain to her not to use the word again as it's apparently offensive. That's really about all you can do. Hopefully things will get back to normal as it becomes clear this was just some weird one-off thing.

Original poster

HeyHoLetsGo · 04/01/2012 16:57

You know, I don't think either of us have ever even described them as lesbians - not wanting to sound all rainbow-circley but its a total non issue for us. No more worthy of special comment than their eye colour or foot size. If pressed to say something about them, I'd say they were a gay couple, but DD has never commented on that before so we've never really felt the need to make any kind of deal out of it

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pictish · 04/01/2012 16:57

I think they're being way precious.

Seriously, if you all get on well, then you have to approach them and say that while you are sorry they have been offended by what your daughter said, you are not going to accept being told your dh is a homophobe because he quite simply isn't, and they need to stop worrying so much about what a seven year old has to say.
Tell them you are no further forward in knowing where she got the term from, but that you are no longer going to be held responsible for it.

Say that if they are going to play at fallie-outs over this, they can do it on their own.

I wouldn't entertain this nonsense for anything OP. I'm aggrieved on your behalf.

peeriebear · 04/01/2012 16:59

I'd write them a note explaining how harsh and upsetting their behaviour is and put it through their door. Accusing somebody outright of homophobia when they clearly aren't is very hurtful. Do they really think you would have let them babysit if you had not both liked, trusted and accepted them?

Original poster

HeyHoLetsGo · 04/01/2012 16:59

It is actually bonkers isn't it

I wasn't sure at first, we were both stunned and just looked like this but as its sunk in it has started to sound utterly mad...

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VivaLeBeaver · 04/01/2012 17:09

I think if they're prepared to be so bonkers and unreasonable when you've been friends for 5 years then I'd be quite happy to distance myself from them. They're not prepared to accept that its a misunderstanding so are therfore accusing your DH of lying. It also sounds like they interrogated a 7yo kid to the point of making them feel uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to stay friends with them. I'd remain polite but distant.

IndieSkies · 04/01/2012 17:10

'bian' is obviously a misheard or half heard version of lesbian (or as someone said human-bian) rather than a deliberate derogatory bastardisation, and most people would smile at a 7 year olds picking it up in this way.

Referring to 'the neighbours lesbian friends' COULD be an unneccessary emphasising of the sexuality - why not just 'friends' - as in I don't talk about my friends inviting their 'heterosexual friends' for dinner - and therefore a bit discriminatory, or it could simply be to define them from confusion with other friends. Or a child could have asked if the friends who were coming were lesbians like the neighbours (as an innocent question of fact), or any number of innocent explanations.

Rows, feuds and simmering suspicions are not good in a housing community like yours - find an opportunity to have an exploratory non-confrontational discussion with the calmer of your friends.

Your DH is also reacting in a very heighthened way - are you 100% sure that during the dog dispute he didn't say 'just because their lesbian friends don't mind the bloody dog in the house...' or something? Which wouldn't make him a homophobe either.

wahwahwah · 04/01/2012 17:12

OK - so nobody here has ever heard of the word. I think your neighbour is being a bit odd.

I do agree with peeriebear that accusing someone of homophobia is pretty hurtful. Its not like you taught the child to say 'Big Fat Dyke', is it?

It is obviously something she has heard/misheard and not in a bad context either. You know how kids are:

'my mum says your neighbours are lesbians'
'whats that?'
'dunno, is it somewhere up North?'
'nah, I think its a star sign'

RabidEchidna · 04/01/2012 17:12

never heard that term before. They need to put their toys back in the pram TBH

Original poster

HeyHoLetsGo · 04/01/2012 17:14

I can't be 100% sure but I certainly didn't hear him say it, he won't have said it directly to DD, and I am inclined to believe him when he says he didn't say it - even when pissed off I haven't known him use anyone's sexuality in an argument. Why would he? He hasn't done it before, and I've known him 13 years!

OP posts:

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