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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Neighbours accused DP of being homophobic...

79 replies

HeyHoLetsGo · 04/01/2012 16:40

Bit long but will try and condense.

We live in one of a row of terraced houses where the neighbours all get on well and where many of the garden fences have been taken dwon to allow the children who live here more space and to have shared vegetable patch etc.

Our next door neighbours for 5 years have been a gay couple who we have become very good friends with, they are similar ages and outlook/sense of humour/interests to us, we go to the pub together, we have film nights, they babysit our DCs, and so on. Over New Year they had friends to stay, as did we, and there was a bit of a joint party.

Anyway since then we have noticed them being rather off with us, then yesterday afternoon they came round and said they were very offended by something our 7yo DD had said. Apparently on NYE she was talking to them when they told her she had to come home now as their friends were due to arrive, and DD said "Oh yes your 'bian' friends are coming aren't they". They then asked her to repeat what she said, so she did, and when they asked where she heard that she told them she had just heard 'somebody' say it and wouldn't say any more.

They are now accusing DP of calling their friends (and therefore them) 'bians' which they say is a highly offensive shortening of 'lesbians', they say they are furious as their sexuality is not a shameful secret and that it deserves its full name and that they are not just 'lesbians' they are people with names. They think DP has said this because they had a slight disagreement with him earlier on NYE (sorted out and forgotton by the evening) about their friends bringing a dog (which has previously been a right PITA when here) and so they now think he used homophobic language about them in anger.

DP says he didn't say it, and I believe him. He can be quite sweary when annoyed, and does mouth off a bit to me sometimes when people have pissed him off, but he is absolutely NOT homophobic and I have never ever heard him (or anyone else for that matter) use 'bians' as a derogatory term anyway.

I did ask DD about it, but she insisted she had just heard 'someone' say it and wouldn't say anymore, and I don't want to make a massive deal out of it to her. She wouldn't have known it was going to offend them - their sexuality isn't commented on by us at home, though she does know what the word 'lesbian' means as I explained it to her and told her it was not a bad thing by any means after she heard it at school last year.

WWYD? What would you think of the whole thing? DP is livid they would even think it of him to be homophobic, I am bemused by how badly they have taken a child's comment but obviously don't want to ignore their clear hurt and anger over it.

OP posts:

SiamoNellaMerda · 04/01/2012 19:16

Regardless of their sexuality (which is as uninteresting as it is un-noteworthy) they sound completely fucking bonkers to me and I'd have to question whether to bother with them at all if they can pull a stunt like this. Who needs it ffs?

Ihatecbeebies · 04/01/2012 19:17

Maybe you both could approach them, explain that your DP did not call them anything derogitory but would they be able to sit down with you and your daughter and explain to her why words like that may be offensive, it might reinforce the point that neither you nor your dp are homophobic.

IndieSkies · 04/01/2012 19:22

It sounds like such a series of misunderstandings and presumptions. How cross was your DH about the dog? How big an incident was the incident, that they thought his capable of being angry over it? Was he shouty and sweary as you say he can be? Maybe they weren't as clear as you were that the dog row had evaprated and assumed he was more cross than he was? And then misunderstood your dd's mispronounced 'lesbian' as the Scottish derogatory 'bean' and assumed (completely erroneously) that your dd had heard your DP insult the friends.

Talk with them. It's the only thing to do. If they are still huffy and of the belief that your DP is homophobic at the end of a talk, then they are behaving ridiculously and there's not much you can do about that.

garlicfrother · 04/01/2012 19:32

Oh dear, I do feel for you :(

One of my closest friends (so I thought) threw a major fit because I'd apparently been racist. She's black. Obviously I'm not 7 years old but, all the same, have never had a racist thought let alone insulted a friend on grounds of race. To this day I have no idea what upset her - though it might be relevant that the last time we met was when she visited me in mental hospital! Maybe I used some therapy-speak that she misinterpreted

In the end I just had to accept that she's an ex-friend :( Looking back, I remember her taking things others had said very personally, when they were nothing to do with her in fact. It was an aspect of her character I'd overlooked until it bit me. I really hope your neighbours get a sense of proportion very soon, HeyHo. But if they don't ... Sad, but there you go.

People advised me not to chase my friend too much. I sent a card and rang her a few times, then left it. I think the advice was good - it meant respecting her feelings, even if that meant I was dumped.

existenceisfutile · 04/01/2012 19:36

Why is it that gay people seem to insist on defining themselves by their sexuality then complain and whinge when somebody upsets them by referring to it in terms that they don't approve of? It's a 7 year old child ffs. They need to grow up.

It's too easy to scream 'homophobia' and they're just being ridiculous and full of drama

yellowraincoat · 04/01/2012 19:38

Yes, those PESKY gays existence, why can't they just stop complaining and whinging all the time?

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 04/01/2012 19:44

YANBU it actually sounds like your DD has misheard/only heard the tale end of a conversation and instead of saying lesbians said bians. (Never heard bian being used as a derogatary term for lesbian btw).

Could DD have mentioned your friends to her friends or others at school and the other child/children twigged they are a couple and used the term lesbians? So that your DD htne twigged that they are lesbians but misheard and just said "bians"?

Either way they have overreacted and I wouldn't be in a hurry to be close friends again with people who react to such a non situation like that.

existenceisfutile · 04/01/2012 19:52

They should stop complaining and whinging. They should be glad that they have good neighbours. A lot of people aren't so fortunate and get loads of problems and noise and all kinds of disruption. To have a falling out over something like this is just immature. If it had been a teenager calling them names or repeating something foul that they'd heard from parents then perhaps it would be understandable but nobody's even sure of what the child said anyway.

yellowraincoat · 04/01/2012 19:56

These particular people sound a little over the top, existence. Not sure that all gay people are like that though

existenceisfutile · 04/01/2012 19:59

Political gays seem to be obstinately oversensitive. I'm not saying that all gay people are like this. These neighbours need to get a sense of perspective though.

LynetteScavo · 04/01/2012 20:05

Put the fence back up, then have a party and invite everybody except them.

Then they can call you homophobic and sulk and gossip about you with their "bian" () friends.

yellowraincoat · 04/01/2012 20:06

Sorry, existenceisfutile, what's a "political gay"?

TiggyD · 04/01/2012 20:25

"Oh I heard someone say that your 'bian' friends were coming" Why would your DD refer to you DP as "Someone" and not remember what to call him? Children often miss off bits of words. I remember one nursery I worked in where the children all talked about "'pooters" instead of computers. I've never heard of "bians" before either.

Original poster

HeyHoLetsGo · 04/01/2012 20:32

I think DD realised that she had said something 'wrong' when they asked her to repeat it and where she'd heard it, and clammed up.

OP posts:

Rhinestone · 04/01/2012 21:22

Ok, my DSis is a lesbian. I've just rung her up and she's never heard of the term 'bian' either.

She thinks you sound like lovely neighbours, not homophobic at all and the lesbian neighbours sound very over-sensitive and quite ridiculous.

RoughShooting · 04/01/2012 21:40

So the only people who've heard of 'bian' being used are Scottish - got any Scottish neighbours, OP? [sherlock]

Original poster

HeyHoLetsGo · 04/01/2012 21:41

Erm... nope. No Scottish neighbours, and nowhere near Scotland either!

OP posts:

runningwilde · 04/01/2012 22:39

They are being very silly and you need to tell them so and that they have upset a 7 year old who meant nothing bad with their prissy attitude. And tell them how offended you both are at their accusations and that they should know better.

skybluepearl · 04/01/2012 23:43

i thihnk you need to tell your friends that they have really upset and offended DH as he is not homophobic and never has been.

SecretMinceRinser · 05/01/2012 02:21

Very odd. If they thought your dd had used a homophobic word and they are friends of yours wouldn't the normal thing to do be, perhaps, challenge it at the time and have a quiet word with you so you can find out where it was heard/how it was meant and have a nice wee chat about how some words can be hurtful if necessary?
It sounds to me like they haven't got over the nye row and are looking for something to fall out over.

mumnotmachine · 05/01/2012 07:07

Think they are over reacting.
What the 7yo has probably done is actually not been listening and only heard half the word!
And I would find "dyke" far more cringeworthy that 'bien (which incidentally due to my lids accents sounds like they are saying 'biens when saying "beans")

bejeezus · 05/01/2012 09:26

I think they must have felt that your dh was homophobic before this 'incident'. If they felt comfortable with and trusting of him they would not have jumped to the conclusion that dd had got this phrase off him. Kids pick loads of stuff up in school/from older siblings/in the street.

I would be having that conversation with them

2rebecca · 05/01/2012 09:39

I agree they sound easily offended but I wonder why your daughter felt the need to add the adjective "bian" before friends. You wouldn't talk about someone's "straight" friends coming over and it does make it sound as though your neighbours' sexuality is a topic of conversation in a way it wouldn't be if they were hetero. She may have picked it up from kids she plays with in the street or at school though.
Age 7 I would quiz her a bit about why she added the word "bian" rather than just saying friends and who has been discussing your neighbours like that.

Cherriesarelovely · 05/01/2012 10:28

They are being ridiculous. I am gay and never get offended by innocent little comments that children make, I certainly wouldn't assume that friends of many years had been being abusive behind my back because of a little thing like that. Your poor DD, what a ridiculous overreaction. She probably just misheard the word. It's not a term of abuse. In fact many of my gay friends refer to themselves as dykes but would be offended to be called that by someone else! I really hope you can sort it out, they are being very precious about it.

Cherriesarelovely · 05/01/2012 10:33

I do agree with that though 2rebecca when adult friends have referred to me and DP as "lesbian friends" or something like that I have felt a bit hurt. Not because I am embarrassed of who I am but because it is like them saying that they think of me as different.

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