Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the police could have a word with DH about 6 flippen holes he's punched into the walls?

89 replies

himynameisfred · 01/01/2012 11:58

Since we've moved in, DH gets moody, put his fist through the living room door x-mas day before leaving.
There's 5 more damages to walls and doors I've counted around the house.

He lives seperately now.

I ask him about when he's gonna fix them he says 'I dunno I'm busy' etc.

I called the police to ask if they can do anything about making him fix them or pay, the woman said no, it's not a criminal issue, they're not going to get involved just over him taking too long to fix them.
Also he's dinted my car kicking it in, he got out half the dints for me after, but shoes not much intention of fixing the rest any time soon.

The police said it would only be a criminal issue if he's my EX, and if he was
flat out refusing to fix them.

I put all my time effort and money into making this house nice for my children, including decorating, laying flooring, all myself.
He comes in and destroys all the things I've worked for.
I'm pissed off.
I'm not scared of him.

Any advice??

OP posts:
dontlaugh · 01/01/2012 12:00

Change the locks for a start. Don't allow him to cause any more damage he won't fix. He can meet the children at a neutral venue or in his place. I am not sure about the damage and fixing it, perhaps a solicitors letter? A civil case, as such?

GypsyMoth · 01/01/2012 12:01

Dont let him in anymore! And why remain in a relationship like this anyway?
If he is too bustmy, tell him to give you the cash for someone else to fix it all ( get a quote)

QOD · 01/01/2012 12:01

Don't let him in?

MmeLindor. · 01/01/2012 12:02

Change the locks and go to a solicitor for advice.

What about a restraining order? He should not be able to waltz in and destroy your stuff.

Not sure if you will get the cash off him but I would ensure that he cannot do it again, and if he does then phone the police when it happens.

Morloth · 01/01/2012 12:03

Don't let him in any more. Get a restraining order and talk to a lawyer about getting your divorce/contact arrangements sorted out.

If he comes to the house or near you at all call the police.

Original poster
himynameisfred · 01/01/2012 12:03

It's his house.
I have no legal right to be here.

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 01/01/2012 12:04

Are you still in a relationship with him?

PaintYouFestive · 01/01/2012 12:05

If you were/are married its the marital home and i do believe you have a right to be there

JustHecate · 01/01/2012 12:05

so you're planning on staying with him then?

My advice would be to not bother trying to make a nice home. Waste of time.

Are your children scared of him?

I ask because my dad punched a hole through wooden banister (not solid wood, obviously!) and kicked a hole through my sister's door, to name 2 incidents.

My mum wasn't scared of him but I bloody was. I was about 30 before I stopped flinching when he made a sudden move.

Morloth · 01/01/2012 12:06

Are you married?

If not and it is his house then he can do whatever he likes to it.

If you have no right to be there and he is violent, then you need to move you and your kids to safety.

Dillydaydreaming · 01/01/2012 12:06

Have you reported the events to police as in "Criminal Damage".
Is he angry with you or the children when he does these things?
Do the children witness it?

This is domestic violence - you need advice from Women's Aid ASAP.

Dillydaydreaming · 01/01/2012 12:07

You need urgent advice from Womens Aid with regard to a place of safety.

slavetofilofax · 01/01/2012 12:07

You are married with his children, or course you have a legal right to be in his house.

Get some legal advice.

HeidiHole · 01/01/2012 12:07

If you're married you have every right to be there. If you're not married its more a grey area.

Original poster
himynameisfred · 01/01/2012 12:08

sorry, it's a council house, in his name, which we moved into together. I'm trying to get that changed.

I get sick quite often and am hospitalised, he is the only person who can look after the children (and he does it well).

I cannot jeopordise that.
The kids routiney going into fostercare everytime I'm hospitalised would be horrendous, and I can see that happening if social services are told he's 'dangerous' or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
himynameisfred · 01/01/2012 12:08

unmarried

OP posts:
Original poster
himynameisfred · 01/01/2012 12:10

it's unsafe for my kids to going into fostercare.

If getting help in stopping him from damaging the property means the kids will have no one when I get ill, then I'll chose the lesser evil.

OP posts:
Morloth · 01/01/2012 12:10

Oh that sounds very hard.

But he isn't taking good care of his children if he is smashing up their home.

Dillydaydreaming · 01/01/2012 12:10

Are the children his children.

If not then I din't want to cause extra anxiety but he has a record of damaging things which are yours!

Animation · 01/01/2012 12:11

If you're married - you call him you DH - then you have a right to be there.

dampanddrizzly · 01/01/2012 12:11

You seem more concerned about the holes and dents than you do about the wellbeing and mentalhealth of your kids

Shrugs

HoudiniHissy · 01/01/2012 12:13

Check your rights! If you are married you have EVERY legal right to be there, surely.

Photograph the damage, take it to the CAB, tell them you are in fear of him, and are fed up with his coming in and destroying bits of the home you live in with your children (are they his children too?)

I think you should be able to find someway of protecting yourself against this kind of behaviour, don't give up until you get it.

If I were you I'd change the locks and let him take me to court for access tbh, and show them the damage he has inflicted on the home I lived in...

WRT everything else, you will need to write off that damage, don't ask him to fix it, don't engage with him at all.

IF he behaves as a normal human being, you treat him as one, if not, then you deny him access to your life. It IS that simple. He has no right to terrorise you and your DC.

Call Woman's Aid, or perhaps better, call Respect, 0808 802 4040 (they are a GOVT funded help line for perpetrators, but unsurprisingly are not too busy as perps don't look to get better, do they? Hmm) They will help you deal with his techniques and help you understand what he's doing and why.

dontlaugh · 01/01/2012 12:13

Foster care sounds safer than being in a house with a grown man who thinks nothing of punching multiple holes in walls, doors etc.
Good luck.

HoudiniHissy · 01/01/2012 12:14

He is using violence and destruction of property to intimidate you and scare you. It's not on. Use the DV support to thwart his every attempt to do this to you.

JustHecate · 01/01/2012 12:14

hisname - please don't underestimate how a child feels when their parent smashes the house up. It affects you, a lot. It creates a fear that just lives in you all the time. Is today going to be a fun day or is dad going to kick a hole through your bedroom door. Is today going to be lots of laughs or is dad going to throw his dinner plate at the wall. Is today going to be one long round of tickle games or is dad going to ...

It is a horrible thing.