to think the police could have a word with DH about 6 flippen holes he's punched into the walls?

[himynameisfred]

Since we've moved in, DH gets moody, put his fist through the living room door x-mas day before leaving.
There's 5 more damages to walls and doors I've counted around the house.

He lives seperately now.

I ask him about when he's gonna fix them he says 'I dunno I'm busy' etc.

I called the police to ask if they can do anything about making him fix them or pay, the woman said no, it's not a criminal issue, they're not going to get involved just over him taking too long to fix them.
Also he's dinted my car kicking it in, he got out half the dints for me after, but shoes not much intention of fixing the rest any time soon.

The police said it would only be a criminal issue if he's my EX, and if he was
flat out refusing to fix them.

I put all my time effort and money into making this house nice for my children, including decorating, laying flooring, all myself.
He comes in and destroys all the things I've worked for.
I'm pissed off.
I'm not scared of him.

Any advice??

Op Based on what you have said here I do not think that social services would automatically make the assumption your H is an unfit parent and so foster care may not even be a consideration.

Does you H see or know his behaviour is unaccpetable, what does he say about it. I think he needs help and support, do you think he is receptive to knowing he can and should change his behaviour? That is what SS would be wanting to know and find out and may be able to offer support with this. Rather than brandishing him an unfit parent.

I would have a very open and frank discussion with H and attempt him to seek help together, go to his GP, talk with your health visitor or midwife together. He may have depression or something that he can reice help with.

If he is not receptive to this I would inform him you will be seeking support through SS without his consent. There will be help without your children being unsettled or their care even changing or H being branded an unfit parent.

I would go to the housing office and attempt to get on the tenancy agreement.

Thanks.

He's come round to help out today and is bathing both children right now.

I walked him around the house and showed his 6 different damages that he's done.
He had his head down saying he knows it's not right.
I said well it needs fixing..
He asked for a hug, and I was a bit nasty and said why the hell would I want to hug you, look what you've done.

I told him, also because of him telling me to get out during arguments, that I am trying to get the house put into my name as I need to feel secure here and that we'll never have to move again.
He's sad that we can't just live together.
I told him it's damaging for the kids to see the way things have been at times between us, I said if he gets his own place things could be much better.
He said that he may sign the house over to me, if he gets a place first, but he would ideally want us living together.

Maybe we could get anger management for him?

I just am scared that if they brand him as 'bad' then I'll lose all his support and SS will tell me not to let him near the kids, etc

wow you have stood up to him and took a bit of control back i think thats great move for you , even if he gets angry doesnt mean he cant be a good dad try and not worry about SS not letting him see them everybodies circumstances are different ,

they will not brand him as bad, im pretty darn sure of that.

OP get him to open up and talk about this, the damage is one thing that does need fixing, but I would take all of this one step at a time. Its good you have had a productive response from him but I would drop the damage now and focus on the behaviour. Allow him to open up and take steps to get help. allow him to talk freely without saying much your self and then say I want this to change and so do you, ill make an appointment to see the GP. call up tomorrw and make that appontment.

Good luck.

I don't think you should involve social services. He's hit a wall, not you. He lost his temper. That doesn't mean it's fine.

Anger management classes for him might be a good idea as you suggest. Mending holes in the council house wall should be top of his list if he wants to make amends.

So he lives with you there and you are not married. I doubt he will rush to move out as it's pretty hard to get council housing and it is in his name. It sounds as if you'd rather make it work with him. You could try couples counselling too.

I can't help but think next time it might not be a wall or a car he hits or kicks.

OP has he always been like this or is it a newish thing?

There is another perspective - if someone came on here and posted that they were under a great deal of stress, were getting angry about small issues - so angry that they are breaking things and shouting out of proportion to what has happened and that this is out of normal character but becoming often, I think we would all be worried and suggesting that whatever the stress is it is becoming serious.

I am getting a little about the idea that men are unfeeling lumps but also strategists who only behave emotionally and 'irrationally' when secretly they have an agenda.

I lost my job recently and would have anger and crying sessions, breaking small things, a bit of self-sabotage and real helplessness. Perhaps this is an expression of similar emotions and requires some compassion?

Thats why I was asking if it was new behaviour, which is more likely to mean stress, or if he has always been like that missing.

I hate people breaking things too. I think there is a diffence between punching a pillow and putting a fist through a door.

It can be a slippery slope. And I mean for anyone, not just because he is a bloke.

i agree missing I do think however there has been a balance of that on this thread many posters have been talking about H needing some help for those reasons you describe, however with out help his behaviour may and probably will esculate and OP must also protect her children the same if it where a woman also.

I don't think 'probably will' is accurate - that sounds like fear and the daily mail. I am sure there are many people who express stress and anger in ways like this that don't go on to violence against the person. When I was a child banging the table, slamming doors, being upset all happened but violence and campaign bullying never did. It is not a given that an angry person expressing up to a boundary will also go over that boundary.

im sure there are many people who do not but still also many people who do.

certainly not fear nor daily mail. Just not a way I would want me, my dcs nor my H to live like when thier is help and support availible. I did not say his behaviour would esculate to campaign bullying but it is already violent in my opinion.

Good for you, OP, for standing up to him.

My brother used to punch walls, when he was about 16yo and he would no more punch a person that he would fly to the moon. For him it was an anger outlet. An adult should have more control than that, and it would certainly be worth getting him to talk about his feelings.

He needs to learn how to talk things through, or find another outlet for his anger.

Maybe taking up a sport would help him. My DH goes running when he is troubled, to get some of the energy gone.

It is a well known prniciple that mumsnetters always tell women to leave their partners and rarely to try to save the relationship whereas in practice it can often be better to fix the problem, not break up the relationship. I think it's just a rushed sort of herd mentality - get rid of him, thing. Running sounds good. You can even get buggies you push as you run so he could do childcare at the same time.