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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think the police could have a word with DH about 6 flippen holes he's punched into the walls?

89 replies

himynameisfred · 01/01/2012 11:58

Since we've moved in, DH gets moody, put his fist through the living room door x-mas day before leaving.
There's 5 more damages to walls and doors I've counted around the house.

He lives seperately now.

I ask him about when he's gonna fix them he says 'I dunno I'm busy' etc.

I called the police to ask if they can do anything about making him fix them or pay, the woman said no, it's not a criminal issue, they're not going to get involved just over him taking too long to fix them.
Also he's dinted my car kicking it in, he got out half the dints for me after, but shoes not much intention of fixing the rest any time soon.

The police said it would only be a criminal issue if he's my EX, and if he was
flat out refusing to fix them.

I put all my time effort and money into making this house nice for my children, including decorating, laying flooring, all myself.
He comes in and destroys all the things I've worked for.
I'm pissed off.
I'm not scared of him.

Any advice??

OP posts:

Xenia · 01/01/2012 12:15

So he's not a dear husband at all but instead an unmarried partner and he's damaged council property - the council house? You could report it to the council and try to get the tenancy transferred into your name perhaps.

I wouldn't get the children in foster care. Does he still live there? Are they his children? You could get a court order to stop him violence or just change the locks if he's moved out and leave him to argue over that with the council.

Original poster

himynameisfred · 01/01/2012 12:16

dampanddrizzly

I know that the children going into random foster homes perhaps not even together several times a year is BAD for their mental health.

I know that they ask after their dad and love spending time with him when they see them.

Infact, if he's told that he can't look after the children when I'm ill, then I'll end up not even going to hospital, ill or not. My kids certainly are my priority.

I'm annoyed about the holes in the doors and walls.

There seems to be so solution, unless I open up a massive can of worms about this being domestic violence, and him going down as being dangerous and no good for the kids, and social services having a flippen feild day with it all.

OP posts:

HoudiniHissy · 01/01/2012 12:17

You need serious help to get out of this terrible situation. Go to the CAB and get help. You can't let anything stand in the way of this. This man is the LAST person who needs to be around your children.

HoudiniHissy · 01/01/2012 12:18

OP - ignore dampanddrizzly BTW, either a troll or a PITA.

HoudiniHissy · 01/01/2012 12:20

OP - who gives a FUCK about him and his reputation? He is terrorising you and your children. You already ARE vulnerable in many ways and he is trapping you.

He ISN'T any good for you, or for the kids, and LET SS have a field day with him.

If you stay with him and he harms you or the kids, SS will have a field day WITH YOU for sticking with him.

If you tell them what this man is doing, they will help you, not punish you.

Get advice from the CAB, see what your options are.

Morloth · 01/01/2012 12:21

I am not sure I think staying with a violent father is better than foster care TBH.

Your children have no power or voice here, only you do. It sounds like a rock and a hard place decision.

But really the money for damages is not relevant.

Original poster

himynameisfred · 01/01/2012 12:22

protecting myself from the home getting damaged seems to also mean protecting myself from having any help whatsoever when I need it, and the kids having a father who looks after them amazingly well, when needed.

OP posts:

MmeLindor. · 01/01/2012 12:23

Is he the father of the children?

He is abusing you, using violence to get you to do what he wants, and using the threat of foster homes.

Bastard.

Original poster

himynameisfred · 01/01/2012 12:24

I give a fuck about my kids being with someone who loves them everytime I need a blood transfusion.

Have any of you actually been in fostercare?

Very very few people know how to care for my son with Autism, it's bloody terrifying how he could be treated by people who have no experience of it and think he's just naughty.

Have any of you got friends who describe their childhood in fostercare??

OP posts:

Nver · 01/01/2012 12:25

Obviously a lot of dilemma's in your relationship. Can you sit somewhere and talk - find out what the underlining problem is with him. He got anger issues but can he go for counselling to help with this??
It will have an affect on the your kids if they are witnessing this - even his lack of respect for things / people. You might not notice if they young but sometimes can come on on their behaviour as a teenager - which In turn can be harder to deal with. Are they at an age you can talk to them about how they feel. I know you said it would break your heart to think of them in a foster placement but these foster caters are brilliant brilliant people. If you have tried everything And deep down you are worried I would go down this route. The welfare of your children are paramount and you have a duty to protect them.

Original poster

himynameisfred · 01/01/2012 12:25

He's the only father my older son has ever known, and the only man he's ever hugged and been read stories by, and fed, and changed and loved by,

he's my toddler's father and my unborn baby's father.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 01/01/2012 12:26

I was married and the council house was in my name, I never told them he was there, however when I moved out and as we had been married the council allowed the tenancy to go to him.

Unless you are married you won't get the tenancy, and theoretically you should'nt be there.

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2012 12:26

The incidents of damaging the property would not rule him out as a carer for the children if you went into hospital.

If foster care was to be arranged then the children would be kept together and the care would be comsitant, but that is a big leap ahead.

Have you had any advice on how your LA opperates in regards to your situation?

Dillydaydreaming · 01/01/2012 12:27

This IS domestic violence like it or not.

Your children will suffer while it continues - like it or not.

Only YOU can protect then because HE is not able to put them first when he is annoyed. You don't have to physically strike children to abuse them. YOUR children are being emotionally and psychologically damaged every time they witness his rages (either visually or heard) and when they see the damage.

Personally I could not live with this but each to their own. I do hope one of your neighbours has the courage to contact SS because if YOU won't protect your children then it needs taking out of your hands.

Sorry that's harsh but it's true.

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2012 12:28

Fabby- it depends on the area that she is in and the fact that the OP has two 'natural' children to the tenant can make a difference.

It is not worth giving some types of practical advice as thereare massive differences between areas.

Morloth · 01/01/2012 12:28

If he gave a fuck about them he wouldn't be violent.

skybluepearl · 01/01/2012 12:30

foster care is surely safer then being with a violent man

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2012 12:31

OP how long has this been happening and how are you financially set up re child benefit, is the tenancy dependant for him on having two children?

He wouldn't be allowed to remain in the home without part resdidency or get another house, there is a workable way out of living with this.

Dillydaydreaming · 01/01/2012 12:31

Do you get any help being carer of a child with autism AND being unwell yourself?

Is your parter your carer?

Do you get ANY help as a family to relieve the tension caused by everything?

MmeLindor. · 01/01/2012 12:32

himyname
You said in your OP that when your DH gets "moody" this happens.

Is he suffering from MH issues?

What does he say afterwards?

I don't think that telling you to kick him out is going to help anything, but you must make him see how damaging this is for his children.

And it is damaging, because a child does not know if the next punch or kick is going to be aimed at him, or at his mother.

FabbyChic · 01/01/2012 12:33

The only way she will get on the rent book is if he agrees to a joint tenancy, after that he would have to give up his tenancy. If he does not agree she gets nowhere, its the same with any council.

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2012 12:33

Sky- the children may not need foster care, the OP is leaping ahead based on rumour of policies. It depends on the trigger of violence how he parents etc (which isn't going to be popular, i know), .

MmeLindor. · 01/01/2012 12:33

And those saying foster care is better than a violent man are not listening to the OP.

If the children go inot foster care she loses control. She does not know what is going on.

I can understand this being seen as the "lesser of two evils" even though I know how damaging this is for the children.

Birdsgottafly · 01/01/2012 12:36

Fabby- if the OP goes down the DV root, then policy is different, based on the fact that he may have the house as a family, the house awarded may be depedant on the family size. Individual council offers can make changes for partners in these circumstances. If the OP was to involve SS, they woyld see that the tenancy continues as otherwise the family may "go into crisis", this is written in child law and goes above council policy.

SardineQueen · 01/01/2012 12:36

I understand completely why the OP does not want her children going into foster care. I can understand why she will put up with a lot of shit to prevent that happening. i can understand her fear that once the "authorities" are involved she has no idea what direction things will take and whether they will be positive or not.

OP do you have no family around who could care for the children when you are in hospital? Is your illness pregnancy related (ie short term) or a more ongoing thing?

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