to think the police could have a word with DH about 6 flippen holes he's punched into the walls?

[himynameisfred]

Since we've moved in, DH gets moody, put his fist through the living room door x-mas day before leaving.
There's 5 more damages to walls and doors I've counted around the house.

He lives seperately now.

I ask him about when he's gonna fix them he says 'I dunno I'm busy' etc.

I called the police to ask if they can do anything about making him fix them or pay, the woman said no, it's not a criminal issue, they're not going to get involved just over him taking too long to fix them.
Also he's dinted my car kicking it in, he got out half the dints for me after, but shoes not much intention of fixing the rest any time soon.

The police said it would only be a criminal issue if he's my EX, and if he was
flat out refusing to fix them.

I put all my time effort and money into making this house nice for my children, including decorating, laying flooring, all myself.
He comes in and destroys all the things I've worked for.
I'm pissed off.
I'm not scared of him.

Any advice??

Given that she needs regulaer hospilisation and therefore the children automatically comes uner a CIN plan, if she were to contact SS.

That is a big leap ahead.

OP how are you going to initiate him back into the home are you asking and make him realise that he needs to change?

Is he going to address his anger? Do you still love him or is this out of a need for child care ony?

Hi, I get carer's allowance for my son.
I'm not on DLA for myself or anything.
The benefits go to me luckily.

I have 'kicked him out', because the household is much nicer and calmer when he doesn't live here.

I'm going to go to court to try and get the tenancy put in my name, then I'll change the locks.
DP is very nice a lot of the time (I really hate him sometimes and I get at him and then all the arguments start).
He's fine with just the kids, it's us together that's the problem.
He's awfully lazy that's the only way in which I'm much better to take care of the kids, but he's just as loving towards them.

really don't wanit SS involved.

Some people we know have some mad fights occasionally, and they have a child, well the woman (she's only young) goes back and forth telling SS he's done this and that (even though she does just as bad) and now he can't even see his son without being supervised because he's been labelled as a monster.

I'm not interested in us living together, but I need his support, I really do.

I'm focusing on being more independant, mainly x

What did you want from the thread OP?

Well, I have digestive problems so just run out of nutrients alot, until it affects how I function then I get them on IV, been like this for 2 years, no clear reasoning why :/
Anemia is part of it

Well I think that you're not going to be able to persuade him to fix the holes and stuff and you have done the right thing kicking him out. And that you are doing the right thing re getting the tenancy changed and so on. You have a plan here.

I'm not surprised that the police won't do anything and TBH if you don't want SS involved then ringing the police up to tell them your ex has been smashing up your stuff is not the best way to go about it! They will contact SS themselves eventually.

Personally and I'm sure everyone will disagree, I feel that your judgement on how your ex is with the children is the judgement you should follow. If you are confident (and you seem to be) that the violence is directed at you when you row and never ever at the children and in fact he is fantastic with them and affectionate and so on then you follow your own judgement on who looks after them when you are in hosp.

Think there is a dv clause in social housing tenancies? Maybe explore that avenue op?

Not you that should read, your stuff.

And I know everyone will shout at me now but still.

Morloth's question is a good one - what did you want from this thread? A few dents in your car and the police not acting isn't really the problem here surely.

Get a written quite for the damage from a local handyman..... Present him with it. Insist he provides the cash. Does he work? Does he pay to run 2 homes?

You should be on DLA if you have blood tranfusions.

The other case you quote is because of what the other parent is saying, SS then have to go for the safe option and recommend supervised contact, probable because the mother is saying that he is a danger, yet shows that she cannot safeguard.

If you were to both address the DV then SS would view it differently, but that is not what you want.

I can understand that because of your sons Autism, primarily.

You shouldn't have a problem getting the tenancy transfered because of the medical needs of you and your children.

I will say that if SS become involved they would want to know were your ex is living, would ask you both (if possible) to attend support and help groups around anger/DV and take it from there.

Men who have committed DV but who have engaged with services still get residency (if needed) or are able to have shared care, for situations such as yours.

Olymipia_ yes the DV clause exsisits, as does medical needs, which the OP/children have.

Thank you.

I guess I have a plan anyway, so should be patient about the holes getting fixed.

I would have prefered the police to tell him that the damage is illegal and serious, but he's talking about getting the equiptment to fix it again now anyway x

Sardine-A decent SW will also make the same desicion that the ex would not be ruled out of providing childcare.

I don't want to get into that arguement but i have recently had two cases were the father has had residency granted (were the mother could not) after DV incidents that he was charged with.

Sometimes people can no-longer live together but it doesn't stop them from parenting succesfully once out of the relationship.

You can smash your own property up, unfortunatly.

OP re-apply for DLA with the help of a local welfare rights organisation. Goodluck.

Thank you for being so understanding, and all the advice on this.
It;s really good to read.

I actually get income support joint for partner so could keep hold of it and say its being spent of fixing materials, if I'm polite I think he'll be understanding.

I think I'll need to have a court hearing for the tenancy transfer.
I'm trying to be careful to say to yes he's caused damage, but he's not violent to us.

Would he consider Anger Management? If you explain the potential effect on the children of this level of violence in their home?

What if he punches the kids next time ? It does happen.

Much as I sympathise he should not be left alone with those children for any length of time, especially as one has autism. Have you contacted SS to see what your options are ? Does your son recieve respite care ? In my county SN kids go to the overnight respite place ( where they have a whale of a time ) if parents are unavailable for whatever reason, so they get good continuity of care.

BTW, if you're contatcing the police over his aggression they will contact SS eventually as there are children in the house.

There will be voluntary organisations in you area that provide support.

He could ask his GP, putting it as he is smashing things out of temper, not in terms of violence. You both have alot to deal with so he would be 'bumped' up the list.

If you need it there will be support for you, even via the hospital.

I don't have anymore to add re the dents etc but as I am in hospital a lot and DP was in hospital after shattering his leg and needed an operation at the same time I needed brain surgery.

DD was only 18months and we had no-one to look after DD whilst we were in hospital we approached SS and they placed DD in foster care while we were in hospital.

The foster carer was a lovely lady and she brought DD to see me in one hospital then she took DD to another hospital (I had to go to a specialist hospital which was quite far away from my home town) to see her dad, The foster carer did this every day for 2weeks. The foster Carer also kept to DD's routine as much as she can. We were very pleased with the foster carer. So not all foster carers are bad and SS spoke to us at length about DD, her needs and routine then we met the FC before DD went to stay with her.

So FC is not as bad as it sounds.

You know you are taking the right steps - not living with him, trying to get house in your name and even thinking of changing locks. You have identified risk with him and now limiting / minimising the level of risk in many ways for yourself and kids. Christmas time always heightens personal problems within families and well that period now over so that might ease things. You obviously have had a bad experience of social services and won't entertain idea of their help. I do hope things work out for you and hope you take on board some of the advice here. Good luck

your situation sounds awful he is scaring you and the chldren and using your illness against you he has you where he wants you im so sad this is happening to you , You could contact the council to have him repair the damage they will bill him , I do think you should contact womens aid , you shouldnt have to live like this ,

oh and SS will help you to if you go to them and ask for help The could provide home support for the children ,

You need to separate your finances. How dies it work with the benefits and 2 homes?

Why would they go to foster care if they haven´t already?

They are still his children whether or not you & they live with them.

If he has been able to look after them in the past, why would that change?