Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To want ds to come into my bed?

112 replies

PavlovtheCat · 30/12/2011 20:02

He is a bad sleeper at the best of times, but...week before Xmas he was v unwell with virus, turned into ear infection. He had fever scmost of the time and v clingy so was in with us, then on Friday last week we went on hols with family, he was still poorly, first nights slept in cot, in our room til wee hours, then in with us. Rest of the trip he was in with us as not settling, clingy, wanted to come home. Settled in our bed straight ay each night.

tonight, first right home, he is in his own bed and NOT happy. He is crying so desperately

Mummmmmmeeeee I neeeeed you
Mummmmmmeeeee I you've youuuuu
Mummmmmmeeeeee peeeeeeeeeese mummeee bed? Peeeeeees need mummmmeeeeeee bed
Aaaaaaaaaahhwwwww mummmeeeeeeee I needed youuu

If I scope him up and put him in my bed, I get to snuggle with him and watch him go to sleep and he will be asleep instantly. Instead I am listening to him crying, and will go and stroke his face in A couple of minutes.

I have enjoyed sleeping next to him again. It just feels so wrong to have him do far away from me and unhappy.

OP posts:

Witchofthenorth · 31/12/2011 08:12

I can remember my DH trying that "rod" line with me once when my youngest DD was wanting to sleep with us when poorly. The words fuck off and die happened to fall from my mouth :).

She does sleep well in her own bed, but all my kids come in with us when sick.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 31/12/2011 08:22

"Personally I think gut feelings are good indicators of what parents and kids need" - that is how I have felt, gut instinct Happy DH is surely one with a happy wife and children? and I so agree they are so young for such a short time. I just feel, more than with DD, that DS needs me more closely than she did. She wanted to be in her own bed, with her own space very early on (about 7 months), we all slept better for it and she has never been huge at sleeping with us, even when sick, she prefers and sleeps better on her own. Just is how it is, I even used to try to get her in with us and it hardly ever works out!!!

However...last night. I put the double sofa bed down (thanks for that suggestion, can't remember who, i had not considered it) and made it up properly, pushed right against our bed. Then, DD aged 5, unusually (as above) came up with her pillow and bear and wanted to come in (means she is also out of sorts). So, I had DD on one side, DS on the other star shaped, then when DH came in (not drunk, been out playing x-box with mates), he got into the sofa bed and said he liked us all being in bed together! I shan't expect he will want this every night, but once will be ok! DD typically figited and fussed. DS slept like a, well a baby!

And the best bits were 1. DS's face when I took him up, he clung to me like a koala bear, and as I put him on the bed his face with the happiest little face ever, snuggled, went to sleep. 2. the whole family asleep in bed together, not spread all over the house. That felt RIGHT.

OP posts:

worldgonecrazy · 31/12/2011 08:28

What a lovel post pavlov.

I am very pro cosleeping and if anyone ever gives me a negative comment I just smile sweetly and say "If it's good enough for Brad and Angelina it's good enough for me". (They had a bed specially built to accommodate them and all of their brood.)

SmethwickBelle · 31/12/2011 08:50

I think you should co sleep and comfort him with snuggles and ignore anyone who says you're making a rod for your own back - it's called mothering! I'd put DH's requirements underneath those of a poorly child to be honest.

DS2 (same age) went through a stage like this and it passed.

myduckfaceisbraw · 31/12/2011 09:06

Agreed, seeker. Maybe not a sad post but a bit bizarre! The arrangement should keep everyone happy, not just bloody DH!

999HELPMYPUDDINGSONFIRE · 31/12/2011 11:38

Married in white :
I think it's quite sad that your daughter knows she can only have cuddles in bed with mummy when daddy's away.
Sure recipe for resentment if you ask me

Op:
Babies need the closeness and warmth of a parent.
All this "rod for your own back" and "they'll be in there until they're 5" is bullshit.
My brothers wife is horrid, newborn out in his own cot from day 1, in his own room, controlled crying the lot.
He is now 2 and gets in their bed every night, probably as he has always been so distressed, now he's old enough to walk into their room he does.
My son is 14 months, we co slept from day 1, daddy got a single bed as he was worried he would hurt him accidentally. There are plenty of ways to be close to your husband without sleeping beside him.
Children take priority in my opinion.
Once he got to 11 months he used to try and escape from the bed!
He wants to be in his cot on his belly with his bum stuck up in the air :-)
I only get him back in if he's poorly and therefore wants hugs, other than that he wants his own space.
My little girl is 10 weeks and she is in with me and will be until she doesn't want to anymore.

I guess it helps if you have a partner who sees parenting the same
Way you do,

MamaMaiasaura · 31/12/2011 11:49

love this thread!!

Pavlov - sounded perfect all snuggled with your babies. Still cosleeping with ds2 who was 4 on 27th. Dd(10 weeks) is either on other side of me or in cot which is right next to bed with side down. Dh sleeps separately and it is perfect at moment. Dh has full nights sleep and we all sleep better for it. It doesn't last forever and ds1 sleeps happily in own bed (he's almost 12)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/12/2011 11:55

I deplore the term 'co-sleep'. Urgh

I think that it's find for poorly children to sleep with their parents but the objective is that they sleep in their own beds. Of course it's nice to snuggle with a child BUT when it becomes a habit that's encouraged by the mother (or father), it's setting a precedent that is going to be difficult to break later on. I also think that there needs to be complete agreement between the parents about the child sleeping in their bed and not just the mother (or father) deciding that this is what's going to happen because they want it.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 31/12/2011 12:05

why is the objective that they sleep in their own beds though? i don't know anyone who slept in the same bed as their children, either from time to time or every night who have grown up children sharing with them. In some countries, it is normal and expected and those children do not grow up to be damaged/clingy/lacking independence.

OP posts:

spiderpig8 · 31/12/2011 12:06

YABU. He is better now so back to his own bed. Our aim as parents is to make children increasingly more independent , you will create a situation where he can't self settle and eventually will become frightened of sleeping alone.
Also do you intend to give him to him every time he cries 'mummy pleease I wuv you' and bats his eye lashes.

MJinSparklyStockings · 31/12/2011 12:07

That's your choice - I think your view is sad.

I wonder - I wouldn't want to be banished to a room while dh ds and baby dd were in another why should the dcs want that?

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 31/12/2011 12:10

spider "Also do you intend to give him to him every time he cries 'mummy pleease I wuv you' and bats his eye lashes" oh i suspect this will happen a lot as it is very cute!! he is only 2!!! he has been alive for 2yrs and 1 month and I will not get too wrapped up in not wanting to be manipulated by him just yet

OP posts:

4madboys · 31/12/2011 12:18

of course you are not being unreasonable and i hope you enjoyed your snuggly sleeping!

we co-slept with all of ours until they went into their own bed between the ages of 2-3yrs, there was a bit of transition and we have a toddler bed in our room, they would start of in that and then crawl into our bed (futon so the same heigh as the toddler bed) but they have all happily gone to sleep in their own beds as they got older and wanted to. we co-sleep currenlty with dd who is 12mths i couldnt imagine doing anything different!

999HELPMYPUDDINGSONFIRE · 31/12/2011 12:26

Spider pig. :
He's 2 not 20.
Making kids grow up too fast is what's gone wrong with this world.
As my earlier post shows, being too disciplined can also have negative effects, the child doesn't know when the next hug or bit of attention is coming as not offered freely therefore craves if more.
Common sense really.

newfashionedmum · 31/12/2011 12:28

Well said Pavlov! 'manipulation' is such a loaded term, I hate seeing it applied to young children, it makes my flesh creep. They're programmed to behave in certain ways to ensure their survival, they need love, food, warmth and protection and they thrive when they get it. As parents we're programmed to respond accordingly and feel happiest when we meet their needs. Most of the reading (and there's been a lot!) I've done seems to say that children need a 'safe base' in order to grow their independence - so if they know you're always there when they need them, they are much happier going off and doing their own thing.

I say this as someone who bought into the 'rod for your own back' idea briefly before realising - err - 'you've got a daughter, when you decided to have her, THAT was when you made the rod right back then - now it's time to enjoy it and make the most of it'

MamaMaiasaura · 31/12/2011 13:19

Oh dear.. Manipulatiive & child? How very negative. Children need comfort and physical closeness, just like they need food and be warm and dry.

And yes I think denying a child comfort could potentially have an impact on their development.

Original poster

PavlovtheCat · 31/12/2011 13:59

loaded yes, and also a very adult spin on such little beings who do not think in such complicated ways.

OP posts:

spiderpig8 · 31/12/2011 15:53

But as I understand it, the child was happily sleeping alone before he was ill. Why do you want him to lose that independence he has gained.It sounds more about your needs than his.
Also if you don't think a child of 2 yrs and 1 month can manipulate, then all i can say is 'there may be trouble ahead!!'

spiderpig8 · 31/12/2011 15:55

Forgot to say I think you were right to cosleep. WHEN HE WAS ILL

seeker · 31/12/2011 16:11

I repeat. Why are people so afraid of co sleeping?£

MamaMaiasaura · 31/12/2011 16:27

Spiderpig - I think there is trouble when kids don't feel secure and loved and are forced into growing up way before they are ready. My near 12 year old us a fantastic confident boy. Where do you get your information that co-sleeping causes problem children?

exoticfruits · 31/12/2011 16:37

I am not a co sleeper-I like my own space. However if you actually want to do it I can't understand why you would listen to him crying rather than follow your own instinct. Even liking my own space I would be inclined to just pick him up and take him to bed.

msbuggywinkle · 31/12/2011 17:00

We have a double and a king and all sleep together, DD1, then DP, then DD2, me, then DD3. It's lovely, it makes feeding DD3 at night easy, makes comforting DD1 who has nightmares easier, we all sleep a lot better. We don't have to heat our bedroom much either with all the body heat!

MamaMaiasaura · 01/01/2012 14:22

Msbuggy - that's lovely

whogivesastuff · 01/01/2012 14:29

if you are happy with all three of you not sleeping properly in the same bed, probably being grouchy, and possibly over the long term risking the possibility of losing closeness with your husband, go ahead

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread