about my meal plans for New Year's Day?

[roastparsnipsandbrusselsprouts]

My dparents hosted Christmas and I had them over to ours for Boxing Day.

I have also invited them to ours for New Year's Day and have invited my dbrother as well as the rest of his family will be abroad.

It was agreed, months ago, that I would cook a traditional Scottish dish (Stovies for those who know what that is) for the meal and keep it all fairly relaxed and informal.

The difficulty is that the dcs and I are vegetarians and I am planning to cook vegetarian stovies. I didn't think this was an issue as Stovies is basically potatoes and onions and beef/veggie equivalent cooked down to a mush served with oatcakes and beetroot. I doubt you could discern the difference between a veggie one and a beef one.

On Christmas day dmum suggested she make beef stovies and bring them along on New Year's Day but I politely declined, pointing out how little difference there was in a veggie/meat version.

Today she has insisted that she cook a meat one. When I tried again to decline her offer she pushed it further saying dbrother rarely got Stovies and he would want them to be nice.

I am struggling with other issues just now and this was the last straw. I pointed out to her that she was basically cooking her own meal to eat at mine because mine would be rubbish and then burst into tears. She didn't deny that mine would be rubbish or apologise for upsetting me or anything. She just left it.

AIBU to be offended? If I was invited to someone else's house and they were serving a meal that didn't offend my principles in any way I would just eat it, even if it wasn't served exactly the way I was used to it being done. My own Mother has brought me up to behave this way.

Let them bring their own stuff - if the shoe was on the other foot i.e. if you were meat-eaters and they weren't, I'm sure you wouldn't mind if they brought a veggie dish.

IMO YABU. What difference would it really make if you did a veggie one and she did a meat one? If I went to someone's house and they had cooked vegetable stovies I too would eat them but I would prefer meat ones. I'm sure your other issues are clouding your judgement but I think you are over reacting.

I think if I was you I would be telling my Mother that if your hospitality isn't good enough for her then she could stay at home.

She is being incredibly rude. I'm not a vegetarian either.

YANBU as once you'd politely declined she should have dropped the matter

Eglu that is what my dh is saying - and he is a meateater and totally loves my dmum too.

I get the carnivore can't go a minute without meat thing - nearly. I just don't get why she would "kick me while I am already down".

She knows she has insulted me and yet it was more important that dbrother got his beef stovies than it was how I felt. I am not prone to bursting into tears at the drop of a hat and have taken an awful lot on the chin recently and held my head up high.

I don't understand why she is doing this.

YABVU. She hasn't insulted you; she just wants to eat meat. I am a veggie but I totally understand that meat eaters might not like to eat meat substitute - I'm not even terribly fond of it myself. You are totally over-reacting.

YABU. You are trying to force people to eat something that they probably dont want. How would you like it if someone was saying to you that they would only make meat ones and you couldnt take your own along?

She has not insulted you, she is trying to make it easier, and keep everyone happy.

Can I be totally honest? I think you're all making a great deal of fuss over nothing, with this stovie argument. Really, it's neither here nor there either way. So she wants to waste her time making her stovies as well - who cares?

You say you've had an awful lot to deal with lately, so it sounds like this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Can you take a bit of time to look after yourself and relax instead of worrying about others? It sounds like your mum isn't much good at dealing with other people's emotions, but is there someone else (your BF?) who you can spend some time with?

I think she's doing it because she would like to eat the beef version of stocked (just as you want the vegetarian one).

I am filiar with the dish and would have said it's more than onions and potatoes - beef is a major ingredient!

She's not saying yours is rubbish, and she's willing to make it and bring it so what's the problem? Presumably they're still coming to yours to enjoy your company? Lots of people take vegetarian dishes to others houses so what's the problem?

Really, she's making it and bringing it (saves you hassle).

Some people just create mini dramas for themselves..... Jeez

Your mum is being a tiny bit pushy, but it sounds as though you're at the end of your tether for other reasons and are maybe letting this get to you too much. TBH while I don't eat a lot of meat and love veggie food, I'm not mad keen on meat substitutes either - there are so many nicer ways to cook veggie.

It's not as though she's insisting that you cook meat stovies for them despite your veggieness. She's just suggesting bringing a dish. Think of it this way: she cooks part of the meal, that means less hassle for you, family gathering proceeds nicely, everyone eats what they want.

What do you do when you're invited to her house for dinner?

catchafallingstar "Some people just create mini dramas for themselves..... Jeez" Thanks for that. That really helped.

Stovies = potato and meat stew ( made with left over roast beef or other Sunday roast).
Carrots and onions are the veg usually added to it.
But in my opinion, beef is a central ingredient, and why she us making it this way!

Stovies always cause arguments.

My grandad went bananas at my grannie when they were just married and she made him stovies with sausages in them! His mother always used corned beef, so that was what stovies were, no substitutions allowed.

DH makes stovies with the tatties sliced really thinly, whereas I liked them mashed.

Euphemia when I go to my dmum's I offer to cook a meal for the dcs and me. If she wants me to I do, if she doesn't I don't. My mum is a good cook and I know her stovies will be lovely for those who want them. I just don't understand how she could see me that hurt and not care.

Seems an odd choice for a vegetarian meal in my opinion.

In the grand scheme of things, yes you are over-thinking this and making it out to be something it isn't.
YABU
You did ask.

YABU.

It is perfectly fine to serve a vegetarian dish, if that is what it is supposed to be, but serving a vegetarian version of something that is supposed to be a meat dish is rather weird.
Imagine if someone said to you 'oh just eat the meat version, it tastes the same as the veggie one' - would you do it?

I don't understand why you didn't just say 'yes please Mum, that would be great', when she first offered and then you would have saved yourself all this drama.

Euphemia they are different all over the country. My dh makes them with mince and carrots and it is more like a stew (lots of gravy) and the potatoes are in little cubes.

My dmum always made them so that the potato was cooked down to a gravyish mash with tiny flakes of beef through it and obviously onion in the base. (not a carrot in sight).

I will take the Mumsnet verdict and leave her to her slaughter but I am still inwardly offended. Apart from anything she knows we don't have meat in the house. Just yet another thing I will grin an bear as long as everyone else is alright

Ooh I really fancy stovies now.

OP I think YAB a bit U. I can understand you feeling your mum is meaning your food isnt good enough. But I can also understand your mum wanting to bring beefy stovies to eat at yours. I wonder if you're just feeling a little bit delicate so taking this harder and maybe overreacting a teeny bit. I'm exactly the same at the moment. Not because of stuff going on, I'm blaming hormones as I'm pregnant.

I think you just need to swallow it and let her bring the beefy stovies and try to enjoy the day. I'm sure they are coming for your company just as much as the food.

But beef is the main taste of the dish

I cant see the issue, theres no skin off your nose if your mom brings a dish along. Surely the point is spending a bit of time together enjoying a meal with family. Its taking something away from the experience if half the guests dont really enjoy the meal, so let her bring along the alternative so everyones happy??

I think you should graciously accept the offer of cooking some beef ones and stop seeing it as a slight on your own cooking. Cooking and eating should be a social thing, and it actually becomes quite controlling for one person to prevent others from contributing. If you react as if it's all about you, the upshot may well be that people are reluctant to come to yours to eat. I certainly would not wish to spend new year in a tense atmosphere

I think you are making too much out of it BUT I think around this time of year, and particularly if you are feeling down anyway, stuff like this can feel like real rejection. You are offering hospitality and it feels like it's being thrown back in your face.

However, I think your mum is trying to be nice despite her unfortunate choice of words. At Xmas I hosted the in-laws plus my own family but asked everyone to bring something - so my sister made pie, MIL made Xmas pudding, etc. It was a real feast! Given that you have already hosted, can you make this a potluck and have lots of stuff? Make your stovies, get mum to bring hers, ask DBro to bring a couple of bottles or nice dessert, etc, get everyone involved and make it a big family occasion with lots of sharing and helping out.

Then the hospitality that you are offering is not just about your food but sharing your home and a good time with them