about my meal plans for New Year's Day?

[roastparsnipsandbrusselsprouts]

My dparents hosted Christmas and I had them over to ours for Boxing Day.

I have also invited them to ours for New Year's Day and have invited my dbrother as well as the rest of his family will be abroad.

It was agreed, months ago, that I would cook a traditional Scottish dish (Stovies for those who know what that is) for the meal and keep it all fairly relaxed and informal.

The difficulty is that the dcs and I are vegetarians and I am planning to cook vegetarian stovies. I didn't think this was an issue as Stovies is basically potatoes and onions and beef/veggie equivalent cooked down to a mush served with oatcakes and beetroot. I doubt you could discern the difference between a veggie one and a beef one.

On Christmas day dmum suggested she make beef stovies and bring them along on New Year's Day but I politely declined, pointing out how little difference there was in a veggie/meat version.

Today she has insisted that she cook a meat one. When I tried again to decline her offer she pushed it further saying dbrother rarely got Stovies and he would want them to be nice.

I am struggling with other issues just now and this was the last straw. I pointed out to her that she was basically cooking her own meal to eat at mine because mine would be rubbish and then burst into tears. She didn't deny that mine would be rubbish or apologise for upsetting me or anything. She just left it.

AIBU to be offended? If I was invited to someone else's house and they were serving a meal that didn't offend my principles in any way I would just eat it, even if it wasn't served exactly the way I was used to it being done. My own Mother has brought me up to behave this way.

What about your DH, if you don't have meat in the house?

YANBU You don't generally bring your own food when someone else is cooking, but I'd just let them. I don't understand the mentality that meat eaters must eat meat at every meal though. I'm not veggie but eat lots of meat/fish free meals.

I know little things like this can be upsetting if you are feeling low but tbh OP I can understand where you are both coming from. I love veggie food but meat substitutes don't agree with me at all and make me feel quite ill so I can understand what your mum is saying. I don't think she is being particularly rude in suggesting she make some meat versions, however, I do have some strict veggie friends that don't allow meat in their house, is that what you feel or is it more that you feel she is saying your recipe won't be good in any case?

OK, I can see this is not about stovies, or cooking, or vegetarianism; it's about your relationship with your mother.

There's obviously background to this that you haven't shared here, and the bottom line is that you're upset that your mother doesn't seem to care that she hurt your feelings.

Are the issues things you can discuss with your mother? Or is the situation too complicated?

I have issues with my dad, who pisses me off frequently, but raising issues with him is a big no-no!

You have my sympathy - families, eh?! - I hope you have a Happy Hogmanay and a Guid New Year.

Against the general tide here, but I think YANBU and she was being rude and ungrateful. If you're cooking food for guests, they eat it and say thank you. It's that simple. It doesn't matter whether they'd 'prefer' something else; I must have eaten at other people's houses hundreds of times and been served things that I wouldn't have chosen for myself, but I wouldn't dream of telling them that I would have preferred something different, or offering to bring something else instead.

Just because someone is a meat-eater doesn't mean they must eat meat at every meal or die (I eat meat, by the way).

I'm with Eglu: 'I think if I was you I would be telling my Mother that if your hospitality isn't good enough for her then she could stay at home.'

sorry, you may have already answered that!

Dh gets a subsidised lunch at work, although he usually has a veggie option there as well, so eats his main meal there. He doesn't eat a lot of meat and feels ill if he has it often. He would sometimes have it if we went out for a meal (although not always) and gets force fed an awful lot of it at his dmum's house. On Christmas day he chose the veggie option at my dmum's.

So your mum made a vegetarian option when you went on Xmas day, but you resent her contributing a meat option for new year?
A tad hypocritical

So she has made an effort to accommodate you on Xmas Day, and has presumably put up with your veggie cooking on Boxing Day? Doesn't seem unreasonable to let them have meat this time. You are not being asked to put yourself out, or to eat anything you don't want to. You have no reason at all to feel "hurt".

I think your mum should have backed off at your first refusal. However.. mums can be pushy.. I know!
If you can let her bring them it will probably make life easier but I would be irritated with my mum for being so pushy so your diddums of a brother could have meat. [Will he get the shakes if he is vegie for a day!!].

Cherries it is both really. I loathe having meat in the house (it makes me wretch and the smell of it makes it difficult for me to eat). I am also hurt by my dmum's implication that my food will be disgusting too though.

FWIW my dmum and I have a great relationship normally. We are very close and very honest with each other. That is why I am so taken aback.

I know this is not a big deal on the world scale but for me it was pretty important to have a good time with my family for a day and to start the year on a happier note.

I can see that others would see it as petty but my dmum will know what she is asking of me by doing this and also how she is making me feel, which is why I am so shocked.

I make no comment or reaction to the meat around at other family celebrations, regardless of how it makes me feel, and have eaten many a rank meal in order not to rock the boat or offend the meat eaters.

Ah

This isn't really about the stovies is it?

Unless your mum is usually totally toxic (and as you've planned to spend so much of the hols with her I'm guessing not), I'd guess she's not meaning to hurt and offend you. But then again getting so het up about an offer of help seems to me that there is something funny going on.

Getting the hump because someone offers to bring a dish - yes, that's unreasonable - as a vegetarian you must have had to decline other people's cooking often enough. If you don't ever have meat in the house then it's fair enough to say no thanks.

FFS, why are you making such an issue out of it ? Your ILs aren't vegetarian, she would like to eat some meat and is volunteering to make them and bring them - not force you to cook meat.

YAB ridiculously U

Yabu. Stovies requires beef or it wouldn't be stovies!

Ime vegetarians sometimes think dishes done without meat (or with a meat substitute) are v similar, but they're just not.

stovies is a hotly-debated dish, at some of our extended family gatherings there have been several versions!

Sounds like there're other issues though. Maybe make something else entirely on the veggie side.

Your poor husband! I'd hate to be stuck with a selfish veggie.

Sorry xposted.
You and your mum have a lovely relationship - then why would you assume that she's willingly upsetting you? She's being honest in saying she/your db just doesn't much fancy veggie stovies for a celebratory family meal. And has offered to help with her problem.
You've said you've got a whole lot of other stuff going on and this was the last straw. Surely her bringing a meat dish better than your db being a pain in the proverbial at the dinner table?

It would appear that the beef in the stovie is the treat for your parents and brother. As an avowed carnivore I would rather not eat a vegetarian version of a really delicious meat dish - if someone said "here's a bacon sandwich but with vegetarian bacon" I'd think "no thanks", not because I have to be gobbling meat all the time but because there are plenty of delicious vegetarian recipes out there without trying to replicate a favourite meat dish.

I imagine this is how your family feels

I can't see the issue. YABU. I can only imagine you are upset about something else.

Maybe other people feel nauseated by some of the food you choose to eat, but put a brave face on and suck it up. I think it's very controlling to demand that people don't eat things just because you don't like them

This is silly! Sorry OP, I'm not meaning to kick you down further BUT, although there are umpteen versions of stovies around, the meaty version does have a different drippingy/lardy/saturated fat/beef taste! My mum is a kind of veggie because she doesn't like the taste/texture of meat but will tolerate using beef stock cubes in dishes. When I make stovies without the meat (but using stock) to please make it suitable for her, it does taste completely different. It's simillar to corned beef hash without the corned beef. As I see it, she is, in effect, offering to help with the catering. If you were planning on doing one pudding & she offered to bring another choice along, would you be so upset?

I don't think she has gone out of her way to upset me. I am just upset that she doesn't seem to care that she has upset me.

It is clearly just me though and I should go off and bury myself under a stone.

Seriously OP. You sound very unhappy but I don't think the stovies are your problem here.