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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help with deciding appropriate punishment.

83 replies

SleepingWithGhosts · 30/12/2011 00:28

I am seriously crap when it comes to punishing my children, thankfully I don't have to do it often as they are relatively well behaved.

But DD is currently in BIG trouble and me and DP cannot agree on a fair punishment (as always DP thinks I am going too easy on her and I think DP is being harsh)

Anyway DD is 9 years old (and very grown up for her age). It was my nephew's birthday party today to which we were all going but I am currently heavilly pregnant and not very well and so I said I was not going to go.

My DP was working so my mother kindly offered to take DD along to the party as she wanted to go.

Before going DD was told off as getting a bit mouthy with me (an on-going problem at the moment) and she had quite a telling off for the way she spoke to me. This meant she left for the party in a bad mood.

Once she arrived at the party a few relatives asked her how I was and her response was to tell them that 'mum is faking, there is nothing wrong with me and I just didn't want to go to the party so made up being ill'.

I am absolutely fuming with her, I have been ill for weeks and DD knows this, she has known I have back and forth to the hospital, she has seen me being sick all day every day etc. and it was said purely out of spite as she was cross with me.

Now my sister is not speaking to me as she thinks I am faking illness to not attend my nephew's party, have tried to call and explian but no answer :(

DD is spending the night at her dad's house so she is not home until the morning but when she gets here this needs dealing with as I am really upset that she would cause so much trouble by saying something like this when she knows it not to be true.

So AIBU to ask you all what you would do in my situation if your DD had done this?

What punishment would you say is fitting?

OP posts:
BlissfulMistletoe · 30/12/2011 00:32

perhaps she is feeling left out

IndigoBell · 30/12/2011 00:34

Why would you punish her?

Why don't you just discuss it with her? She's 9. Totally old enough to understand the problem.

Tell her what's happened as a result of her lies, and how unhappy you are, and ask her how you both can solve the problem.

It was you telling her off (ie punishing her) that started the whole mess. Break the cycle now.....

JustRedbin · 30/12/2011 00:34

Putting her in a weighted sack and throwing her in the nearest river is probably out of the question, so maybe depriving her of the things she enjoys most (computer, ipod) for a short period might be worth a try. Good luck with this, it could go on for years.

WorraLiberty · 30/12/2011 00:34

I think it sounds as though she's feeling left out and probably missing the 'old you' before you got ill? Sad

BlissfulMistletoe · 30/12/2011 00:35

but if your family would listen to a 9 year olds tails, then omg

michglas · 30/12/2011 00:36

Is she resentful of you and DP having a child together, and feeling left out because you're so ill with this pregnancy? I don't think this calls for punishment, I think it calls for some quality time with you and her.

fortyplus · 30/12/2011 00:37

I would ask her to write a short note of apology to your sister

Bohica · 30/12/2011 00:37

No punishment needed imo.

She is 9 and her mum is spending day in and day out being and feeling unwell, your DD must feel very left out (not your fault) that yet agan, due to the baby you can't go with her to a party.

Her comment was how she is feeling and in no way did she realise at the age of 9 (I have a 9 yr old) she would cause a family melt down.

Tell you sister to grow up and give your 9y old a cuddle and then spend some time explaining her words and your actions.

JustRedbin · 30/12/2011 00:38

Have just read Indigobells reply - I totally disagree with this, 9 year olds are children, not miniature adults. They do not respond well to reason but fully understand punishment.

tigerlillyd02 · 30/12/2011 00:38

Did your mother not explain to your sister what was wrong with you? I assume she saw you in order to pick your dd up and came back to tell you what had been said?

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 30/12/2011 00:39

I second the idea of discussing it with her and trying to find out what is going on. The idea of deliberately doing something horrible to a child because they have done something wrong seems odd to me, weird as I am.

randommoment · 30/12/2011 00:39

Whew, loads to consider here!

  1. The punishment. What does she really like doing that she'd hate not being able to do for a while? TV, Wii, hanging out with mates?
  2. What's your relationship like with your sister normally? Does your mother not know that your illness is real and can back you up?
  3. Where do you stand with her dad about things like punishment for unacceptable little madam type behaviour?
Should add that I ought to be in bed so apols in advance if I drop out of conversation.
randommoment · 30/12/2011 00:40

My god, the biggest crosspost of my career!

BlissfulMistletoe · 30/12/2011 00:43

tbh nobody needs to back up the OP, if they are a close family then they should know what the op is going through.

if it is not close family i wouldn't stress over it

WorraLiberty · 30/12/2011 00:43

I've just realised the OP's nickname is not SleepingWithGoats Blush

thefroggy · 30/12/2011 00:43

I really dont know! My ds went through a stage of not lying as such but twisting the truth. I got a call from the school one day to say he'd fallen asleep in class and on questioning him, they had been informed that his sister cried and kept him up every night and that he'd been given no breakfast that morning. I was practically interrogated by the head and ended up in tears.

His sister did cry at night, she was a baby! But it certainly never kept him awake, he was and is a very good sleeper. It was true he'd had no breakfast that morning as he'd woken up in a strop and refused his breakfast. As for the falling asleep, he told me he was pretending..because it was maths and he was bored. I can only assume he did it for attention but I was furious. I did try to explain to him that twisting things like that could land people in big trouble. He never did it at school again but sometimes when he's telling me a story about how one of his mates has been an arse etc, i'm a bit Hmm

Original poster
SleepingWithGhosts · 30/12/2011 00:46

Believe me this is NOT done out of jealously / feeling left out etc.

It is pure spite, she is going through a really awkward stage where she thinks it is 'cool' to back-chat adults, speak rudely to people and generally be a bit of a brat. I think it's a combination of her hormones (she is just starting puberty) and the new group of friends she has met.

This has been going on for a while and getting worse and worse. With what she has said today it's time to show her that this will not be accepted.

Since becoming pregnant I have spent MORE time than ever with my DD, mainly because I am no longer working and we have our 'girls night' every week where we go out and do something or stay in and do something together. I have never cancelled / re-arranged this so she is getting lots of time with me.

My mum is deaf and so did not hear the comment but once my sister told my mum what had been said my mum explained that I have been ill but my sister refused to believe her, according to my mum.

Me and my sister have a rocky relationship at the best of times and to be honest only still see each other for the children.

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 30/12/2011 00:46

If there was going to be a punishment it should have been done straight away.
Coming on to a parenting site to ask what to do just seems to me to be so premeditated and rather cruel.
You need to talk to her, but you seem rather too interested in yourself and your feelings.
I feel sorry for her.

Original poster
SleepingWithGhosts · 30/12/2011 00:48

DD also insisted to my mum that she is allowed to walk to her dad's house by herself when she knows full well she is not allowed even in daytime, never mind when it is dark.

When my mum refused and told her she would walk her over my DD stropped off, called my mum selfish and horrible and refused to slow down to wait for her when walking as well as refusing to look at my mum when speaking (she knows that my mum lip-reads and so has to see your face)

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepingWithGhosts · 30/12/2011 00:49

LadyBeagle I cannot punish her straight away, I was not there.
Would it be best to ignore the fact she has been a little madam and let her know I won't stop it so she can do whatever she wants?

OP posts:
tigerlillyd02 · 30/12/2011 00:50

Coming on to a parenting site to ask what to do just seems to me to be so premeditated and rather cruel.

I disagree. Often it's far worse when dealt with in the heat of the moment - hence why there are so many posts on here of people feeling bad for lashing out unneccessarily. At least OP is trying to decide beforehand how best to deal with the situation.

A punishment straight away is best for toddlers who often don't realise what they've done several hours or days later. A 9 year old is more than capable of comprehending this.

BlissfulMistletoe · 30/12/2011 00:51

she is 9, she do not understand adults emotions.

do not think a child who is not even in high schools understands this.

Wittsend13 · 30/12/2011 00:52

Had it been my child I would have marched her round to your sisters house and anyone else she told and have her explain that she lied in front of me too. I personally don't see how discussing would work nor thinking she is feeling left out. Feeling left out is one thing but lying is another. Maybe talk to her after her punishment.

WorraLiberty · 30/12/2011 00:53

I think the fact the OP has come here to ask, proves she's at her wits end...not cruel at all.

OP, how long have you been with your DP?

Does your DD get on with him and is she pleased about the pregnancy?

IndigoBell · 30/12/2011 00:54

You don't ignore the fact she's been a little madam. You just don't punish her.

You discuss her behaviour with her each and every time she is a 'little madam' till she understands why she can't behave like that.