Help with deciding appropriate punishment.

[SleepingWithGhosts]

I am seriously crap when it comes to punishing my children, thankfully I don't have to do it often as they are relatively well behaved.

But DD is currently in BIG trouble and me and DP cannot agree on a fair punishment (as always DP thinks I am going too easy on her and I think DP is being harsh)

Anyway DD is 9 years old (and very grown up for her age). It was my nephew's birthday party today to which we were all going but I am currently heavilly pregnant and not very well and so I said I was not going to go.

My DP was working so my mother kindly offered to take DD along to the party as she wanted to go.

Before going DD was told off as getting a bit mouthy with me (an on-going problem at the moment) and she had quite a telling off for the way she spoke to me. This meant she left for the party in a bad mood.

Once she arrived at the party a few relatives asked her how I was and her response was to tell them that 'mum is faking, there is nothing wrong with me and I just didn't want to go to the party so made up being ill'.

I am absolutely fuming with her, I have been ill for weeks and DD knows this, she has known I have back and forth to the hospital, she has seen me being sick all day every day etc. and it was said purely out of spite as she was cross with me.

Now my sister is not speaking to me as she thinks I am faking illness to not attend my nephew's party, have tried to call and explian but no answer :(

DD is spending the night at her dad's house so she is not home until the morning but when she gets here this needs dealing with as I am really upset that she would cause so much trouble by saying something like this when she knows it not to be true.

So AIBU to ask you all what you would do in my situation if your DD had done this?

What punishment would you say is fitting?

thisisanickname Hear hear- well said!

It astounds me that this sort of behaviour is seen to be acceptable by quite a few posters on here.

She was rude and naughty. No matter what the reason, no matter the influences, no matter the hormones- she needs to know it its wrong.

Too much reasoning and "talking it through" breeds manipulative skills with many DCs at this age. (I have some experience with this age group being a primary school teacher with over 20 years experience.) Sometimes kids just need to be told- "because I said so."

My DD was headed this way at around this age.

It's bad enough when DCs do it at home but her ballet teacher complained she was developing a bit of a bad attitude. We came down like a ton of bricks. No telly, cinema treat was cancelled and she was grounded for two weeks with no pocket money.

It stopped the bad behaviour in its tracks. She realised we meant business and every single time the bad attitude reared its head we dealt with it. Every. Single. Time.

She came through the hormonal teen stuff recently and is now a lovely 15 year old- unlike some of her more indulged friends who behave like spoilt brats with an over inflated sense of entitlement.

Telling children what to do, and not punishing them are not mutually exclusive though are they?

thisisanickname getting your children to develop an internal compass of what is right is what some of us are aiming to do. Maybe you have brought your child up to behave according to what she thinks she will be punished for (or not).

It's not the only way. "She lied She lied She lied" is a very black and white way to see a child's actions. We all of us lie all the time.

Problems with adolescent behaviour are indeed often the result of poor parenting but in my view the OP's parenting is a lot more effective, sophisticated and likely to have beneficial future effects than your own (what I would see as simplistic and draconian) "She lied, She must be punished" answer

I think that it is quite enough to take responsibility for your actions. They talked about it, she put it right-I can't see that you need to go further.
I would want mine to avoid similar situations in future because they could see how hurtful it all was, not because they would be punished. The aim is self control.

EFA you know nothing of my parenting, aside from the fact that I would punish what I deem to be inexcusable behaviour (in this case, lying).
FWIW, I find that a punishment is an opportunity to teach. All punishments are explained and are specific (rather than a sweeping punishment like grounding or time outs). I would also try to learn something myself (for example, try to figure out what it is I could do to address the cause of the bad behaviour, rather than just addressing the symptom).

If that is simplistic and draconian then I will wear that badge with honor.

Thisis a nickname- you have a very black and white view of life.I am wondering whether you are quite a young parent?

Glad you sorted it out in a low key way.
I do have a sassy spiteful in moments 10yo DD so I totally get how exasperating it is. But it was a petty lie that adults who heard it should have quickly discerned as an oddball untrustworthy comment. Blowing it up too big would have been encouraging her to seek more negative attention in future.

My children get punished for being rude. It's called consequences. If you are rude and spiteful and cause hurt you lose privileges. This is what happens in real life too. If you are nasty to your friends you may lose them as friends. If you are rude to your teachers you are liable to get detention. If you are rude to your boss you may get the sack. I don't think that sheltering from the consequences of their actions is actually at all helpful to their development into adulthood.

I think however that the OP is in a very difficult position as her dd's dad clearly cannot think straight where his dd is concerned.