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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help with deciding appropriate punishment.

83 replies

SleepingWithGhosts · 30/12/2011 00:28

I am seriously crap when it comes to punishing my children, thankfully I don't have to do it often as they are relatively well behaved.

But DD is currently in BIG trouble and me and DP cannot agree on a fair punishment (as always DP thinks I am going too easy on her and I think DP is being harsh)

Anyway DD is 9 years old (and very grown up for her age). It was my nephew's birthday party today to which we were all going but I am currently heavilly pregnant and not very well and so I said I was not going to go.

My DP was working so my mother kindly offered to take DD along to the party as she wanted to go.

Before going DD was told off as getting a bit mouthy with me (an on-going problem at the moment) and she had quite a telling off for the way she spoke to me. This meant she left for the party in a bad mood.

Once she arrived at the party a few relatives asked her how I was and her response was to tell them that 'mum is faking, there is nothing wrong with me and I just didn't want to go to the party so made up being ill'.

I am absolutely fuming with her, I have been ill for weeks and DD knows this, she has known I have back and forth to the hospital, she has seen me being sick all day every day etc. and it was said purely out of spite as she was cross with me.

Now my sister is not speaking to me as she thinks I am faking illness to not attend my nephew's party, have tried to call and explian but no answer :(

DD is spending the night at her dad's house so she is not home until the morning but when she gets here this needs dealing with as I am really upset that she would cause so much trouble by saying something like this when she knows it not to be true.

So AIBU to ask you all what you would do in my situation if your DD had done this?

What punishment would you say is fitting?

OP posts:

Xales · 30/12/2011 12:00

You DD is only a child at 9 no matter how mature you think she is, she is still a child. Yes she does need consequences for lying because it is wrong.

You sister is making a big deal out of what a 9 year old said rather than looking at the fact that you have been in and out of hospital you are so unwell for the last month? If your sister has gone off on one like this because of one child's lie then she is a far bigger problem (and being pathetically selfish) and you cannot blame your DD for that.

Xales · 30/12/2011 12:01

Sorry I would add ignore your sister for now you don't need the stress and she needs to get off her high horse.

CailinDana · 30/12/2011 12:08

Having taught a lot of nine year olds I think the best way to deal with this sort of behaviour is to ridicule it. I don't mean humiliate your DD, but make her see that silly lying like this is embarrassing for everyone involved. I know if I'd told a lie like that my mum would have made me repeat it when I got home, and would have acted like I was a total weirdo for making such ridiculous things up. For a tween who really wants to be cool and in control, feeling directly how silly their actions are is a good lesson. Any stroppy teenage behaviour in my house was met with a look that said "you're being an idiot." My mother never reacted to any outbursts we had as teenagers, which meant that we just didn't bother. I do remember one time being very nasty to my mother and she said "Now why would such a nice girl say something like that?" It broke my heart and stopped the strop right away.

You need to model rational adult behaviour for your DD. Let her know that her lie hurt you but don't fly off the handle or punish her. She is going through a very tough period at the moment and her behaviour is bound to be a bit awful. Don't let her walk all over you but do try to be kind. It will serve you well in the long run.

Original poster

SleepingWithGhosts · 30/12/2011 12:45

married As a SAHM my DD has all my time virtually, just we have one night a week where it is just us and we do something special of her choosing.

The pregnancy has not been difficult, I am just ill at the moment, unrelated to the pregnancy but has been harder to recover from because of it.

I do not have a dysfunctional relationship with my sister, we simply do not get along and never have. We are always polite with each other and make an effort for the children so no grudges being harbored etc.

My DD's father is way too soft on her, yes she is treated like a princess but she is also allowed to shout and scream in his face and he does not stop her. She actually called him a pathetic idiot as he forgot to get her something from the shop and he immediately apologised and ran back to the shop. This is not the way to allow a child to treat you.

Yes she is starting puberty and has mixed with some not nice children but that does not mean she should get a open pass to behave how she likes.

The same-sex relationship is irrelavant to be honest. DD dosn't even think about it, it is normal to her and is all she has ever really known. It is also not commonly known to her school friends etc so no issue there. She calls my DP by her first name so no-one picking up on the 'two mums' for her to explain and as I am a young parent most people in the local area assume my DP is a housemate rather than a partner.

I am sitting here thinking of how to ensure my DD learns the seriousness of the lies she is telling and that she cannot treat people with such little respect. It's funny on how people are quick to blame the parents of rude, bad-mannered children and yet the parents are criticised for trying to solve the problem!

Forgive me for not wanting my DD to end up being a brat who thinks she is beyond being punished.

OP posts:

Original poster

SleepingWithGhosts · 30/12/2011 12:49

Anyway all has now been dealt with.

DD is home and admitted she lied, the reason she gave was that she was mad at me and wanted to get me into trouble.

She has phoned her auntie to apologise for this and has also been to see my mum and apologise for the way she behaved with her.

I have not punished her as such but given her a strict talking to about how she must not behave like this and that in future my mum will not want to take her to places if she is so rude and so she will only be ruining things for herself.

It went quite well and I think she took it all in, now lets see how she goes the next few days! We are having a lot of slammed doors and stomping to her room screaming how much she hates us all, hormones drive you mad!

OP posts:

2BoysTooLoud · 30/12/2011 12:52

Hope your new year is more peaceful op! Glad she apologised.

WhiteTrash · 30/12/2011 13:13

If she was mine Id ground her for a week. Id be livid.

Reading everything you have put with regards to time you spend with her, her 'phase' etc. She'd be grounded no two ways about it.

Does 'grounded' work on a 9 year old though? Do they go out much? I mean, it might be school and home anyway? She needs to feel the punishment.

What has your DP suggested?

WhiteTrash · 30/12/2011 13:15

My replies too late, ignore that.

My FWIW that doesnt sound like any punishmemt at all.

mrsmaltesers · 30/12/2011 13:20

My dd has done similar things. I would reiterate to your sister that you ARE genuinely ill and then leave it. Its uo to your sister to believe you and not your dd innit

My daughter is educated (?) regularly about white lies/tact/diplomacy/ etc. Am hoping it sinks in before she leaves home. She is nine too.

Xales · 30/12/2011 13:42

Glad you sorted it all out pretty well.

You are going to have fun with a new baby and a hormonal pre teen

Good luck!

RedHelenB · 30/12/2011 13:54

Maybe she thought you COULD have made the effort to take her? Seems a bit more like an opinion than a lie from what you have written.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/12/2011 14:22

SleepingwithGhosts this book might be helpful

www.amazon.co.uk/Divas-Door-Slammers-Behaved-Teenager/dp/0091924111/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1325252382&sr=1-3

I have Charlie Taylor's book for younger children I have found it gives some very useful insights into childrens' behaviour and strategies to deal with problems.

spiderpig8 · 30/12/2011 14:44

Don't do the letter of apology. Can't you imagine what your Sis will say? If she didn't believe you were ill, she will thing you have made your poor innocent DD pretend she was lying to cover up he mum's 'lies'.
Punishment is not what your child needs right now, she sounds a very angry unhappy little girl.

whackamole · 30/12/2011 14:48

I think your sister not your DD is being out of order. Fancy taking what a 9 year old says as the gospel truth and not even asking you about it!

I'm not sure about punishments though.

whackamole · 30/12/2011 14:50

Ah, see it has been dealt with!

Can't believe your ex lets her get away with talking to him like that! I have a 10 year old DSS, and while in general he is lovely, I wouldn't allow him to talk back to me like that and OH certainly wouldn't!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 30/12/2011 19:32

Here - have one of these & a . I was going to say but figure you're probably laying off it with being pregnant & not being well!

ThisTooShallPassThisTooShallPassThisTooShallPassThisTooShallPass

EssentialFattyAcid · 30/12/2011 19:40

Sounds like you dealt with it well
She was disappointed you were not with her (which is pretty cute) but tried to get you into trouble (not so cute) and then apologised in a very mature fashion

I am so glad you didn't punish her for this

OriginalJamie · 30/12/2011 19:43

Good resolution. I think it's really good that she was able to tell you how she felt and why she did it. With my DCs I do try to let them know that feelings are all fine - but she has a choice how she behaves and next time you expect her to make another choice. And BTW, I don't think coming on here was a bad idea at all. I think that if we parents can take a breath and have a think before reacting to things that have made us very angry, then that's modelling a good response for our DCs

garlicnutcracker · 31/12/2011 02:29

Good for you, OP. And for DD :)

Spermysextowel · 31/12/2011 03:11

My 12 yrold got sent to bed at 8.30 last night for being rude about his grandmother. She doesn't even know he had been, so no letter of apology, just a sharp talking to about the way our life would've been if she hadn't stepped in & done child-care. He's prob pubescent but that doesn't mean he's allowed to be damn rude & ungrateful.

rhondajean · 31/12/2011 12:32

I'm sorry. It I have to totally disagree with you about the friends. If they're unsuitable, she doesn't see them except at school. I get that your area isn't great but it's your responsibility as a parent to get her out of it, and I dont mean move, I mean get her to classes and groups outwith the area where she can meet other suitable children.

I have been there and it's only by expanding her horizons that you show her that children who live And behave like the ones around her are not normal and there are other places to be and ways to live.

I get quite irate - if you can't find a way to get her to meet more suitable friends at age. 9 , what will you say when she's 15 and everyone around is drinking and having sex and shoplifting or worse?

ThisIsANickname · 31/12/2011 12:48

Are there really this many people out there that won't punish a misbehaving child? I mean, come on! There is a reason there is a huge problem with adolescent behaviour in this country and a demand for undeserved respect, and I am beginning to now see where it manifests.

She lied. She lied. She lied.

IMO that is a punishable offense.

Have her write a note to your sister and to whomever else she told the lie to, explaining the lie and why she told it as well as apologising. Additionally, she should write a note of apology to you too, but I don't know how comfortable you would be asking her to do that. I would also temporarily take away a privelege she got as a result of being responsible (explaining to her that her actions, being irresponsible, lost her the privelege).

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 31/12/2011 12:56

I personally would say that writing a note or similar is making ammends and taking responsibilty for your own actions, not punishment for the sake of punishment. Just because you don't "punish" your child, doesn't mean that you don't make them aware that what they have done is wrong and that you are unhappy with their behaviour. I like my child to do the right thing because he knows it is right, not because he is scared of me taking something away from him.

ThisIsANickname · 31/12/2011 13:00

Yeah, except they wouldn't write the note unless told to.

And children need boundaries. Humans, by nature, are hedonistic and selfish. They don't do the right thing because it's the right thing... they do the right thing for some sort of gratification (i.e. earning and keeping rewards).
I am in total support of positive reinforcement but neglecting to punish a misbehaving child is just indulgent.

TheSpreadingChestnutTree · 31/12/2011 13:06

I completely agree about the boundaries, and that they need to be taught to do the right thing. I don't realy agree that humans are selfish by nature (perhaps hedonistic )
What I don't agree with, personally, is doing something unpleasant to the child, because they have done something wrong. And yes you are right they probably wouldn't write the note without being told to, although perhaps if the child had been asked what she thought she could do to make ammends she might have come up with that...
I think you can bring up your child with boundaries, with learning right from wrong, but without punishments

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