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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not AIBU, just need some advice.

87 replies

kitty4paws · 29/12/2011 21:24

For those who do not know my back story.

DH has MH issues, virtually no short term memory being the most dominant feature.

Sooo on tuesday we all went on a 3 hour journey to his family. I did not stay, left the car with him and took the train home (that would be a whoooole other thread). I simply do not think that someone with his lack of memory should be in an unfamiliar situation with 4 Dcs.

I ring tonight to arrange what time I need to come up tomorrow to come back down with him in the car.

He falt out refuses that he needs me to "nanny" him , and both he and his sister are ignorting my calls / texts.

The earliest I can get there tomorrow on my current ticket is 12:20 ( off peak) but I could pay another £50 and get there at 7:20 onwards.

what do I do ????

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 29/12/2011 21:27

What will happen of you don't get there for those times?

JustHecate · 29/12/2011 21:28

why did you leave the car with him? is he ok to use it?

tbh, I'd get there at 12:20

If they want to ignore your calls, then so be it. You know he's safe, he's with his sister. Just go there the time you had originally planned to.

Sorry if I am confusing you with someone else, but is it your husband with the form of - dementia? and the odd relationship with your sister who seems to try to take over?

thisisyesterday · 29/12/2011 21:28

I would let them figure it out.

he is an adult, as is his sister.

if he doesn't tell you when to come then don't go until you hear from him

skybluepearl · 29/12/2011 21:28

Don't go early, hes with his sister so surely will be fine?

JustHecate · 29/12/2011 21:29

I mean, tbREALLYh, I'd not go at all and simply wait for them to call. "you were ignoring all my calls, so I decided to stay put until you contacted me. May I assume you would like me to come and fetch you now?"

But I am outside the situation and I recognise that that may be something you are unable/unwilling to do

JustHecate · 29/12/2011 21:29

x-post thisisyesterday!

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2011 21:29

Oh I remember the other thread

He's on meds? As well as no memory. Why on earth did you leave the car, has he been driving?

He wants to drive home?

skybluepearl · 29/12/2011 21:30

can you just text them explain your train will be arriving at X time.

verytellytubby · 29/12/2011 21:31

Why did you leave the car? Surely he can't drive with his issues.

Original poster
kitty4paws · 29/12/2011 21:33

Dh has been assesed and is fine to drive, just not on long journeys ( memory issues) or in unfamiliar places (would get lost).

He is planning to drive himself home, his sister agrees with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
kitty4paws · 29/12/2011 21:34

I have said the possible times I can arrive, my worry now is that he will leave before I get there, which he has threatened to do.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 29/12/2011 21:34

so let him.

do you think he will crash?

if he will "just" get lost then let him get lost.

JustHecate · 29/12/2011 21:35

Is he a danger if he drives?

LovesBloominChristmas · 29/12/2011 21:36

Can his sister or someone cone with him 'for a visit'?

manticlimactic · 29/12/2011 21:36

Well if he's not answering you then I'd just leave a message saying 'Since you don't need nannying I'll see you when I see you'

Original poster
kitty4paws · 29/12/2011 21:36

JustHecate :

Yes he was originally diagnosed with dementia, it is now a failry rare "functional amnesia"

And yes it is my sister who was interferring and now HIS sister is in on the act and agrees with everything my -mad- sister says ( sigh)

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 29/12/2011 21:36

'just not on long journey's

Your op said it was a 3 hour journey.

JustHecate · 29/12/2011 21:38

ah. I thought it was.

how much more of this can you take before it breaks you? Sad

manticlimactic · 29/12/2011 21:39

Oh I remember now. Sad

thisisyesterday · 29/12/2011 21:39

I think maybe you need to let him do this.

he will either prove to you that he doesn't need nannying, or he will prove to himself that he needs more help than he thinks he does.

if he gets lost it isn't the end of the world is it?
he IS a grown-up, he has been assessed as ok to drive and he is allowed to make his own mind up.

I would text him something along the lines of "i'm worried about you and would really ike to come up and drive back home with you. let me know if that's ok and what time you'd like me to get there. If you don't want me to then please just let me know when you';ll be getting back"

Original poster
kitty4paws · 29/12/2011 21:40

*so let him.

do you think he will crash?

if he will "just" get lost then let him get lost*

I really dont think its ok to have 4dcs in the car and "let him get lost"

He did ithis before with our eldest son and was lost for 1.5 hours at night , in the snow, in a wooded area ( centre pracks so not mount snowdon, I know)

but he would not ask for help and stopped ansering his calls.

what if one of the dcs went to the toilet at a service station and the others were asleep, would he just drive off ????

OP posts:
Original poster
kitty4paws · 29/12/2011 21:41

if it were just him , then fine, he can do what he likes.

Though he is vunerable, it would not take anyone very long to realise his memory issues and take advantage.

BUT he will have 4 dcs with him,

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 29/12/2011 21:41

ohh sorry, I thought from your OP that you'd taken the kids home with you, not that they were still with him, apologies.

joanofarchitrave · 29/12/2011 21:42

Oh blimey.

Is there anyone in the house who would have some understanding?

Is there anyone who would pay the £50?

TBH in your position i would ring my mum and ask for the money, and go up early. I would allow him to be furious with me in front of his family, because I bet that he would be relieved you'd turned up, in his heart of hearts.

JustHecate · 29/12/2011 21:42

is his condition such that he is safe to be in charge of the children or does he need another adult there with him?

Is this condition permanent? Have you given any thought to long term plans and support?

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