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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not AIBU, just need some advice.

87 replies

kitty4paws · 29/12/2011 21:24

For those who do not know my back story.

DH has MH issues, virtually no short term memory being the most dominant feature.

Sooo on tuesday we all went on a 3 hour journey to his family. I did not stay, left the car with him and took the train home (that would be a whoooole other thread). I simply do not think that someone with his lack of memory should be in an unfamiliar situation with 4 Dcs.

I ring tonight to arrange what time I need to come up tomorrow to come back down with him in the car.

He falt out refuses that he needs me to "nanny" him , and both he and his sister are ignorting my calls / texts.

The earliest I can get there tomorrow on my current ticket is 12:20 ( off peak) but I could pay another £50 and get there at 7:20 onwards.

what do I do ????

OP posts:

YuleingFanjo · 29/12/2011 22:02

i am confused about why you felt it was safe to leave him with a car and 4 children for a couple of days but you are worried about him driving home with the car and 4 children. Surely he could have been driving anywhere in the time you have left him alone with the children.

YuleingFanjo · 29/12/2011 22:03

obviously you should get teh early train you really have to ask?

Original poster

kitty4paws · 29/12/2011 22:03

his driviing is fine , just not in unafmiliar places,

He was assessed by a professional driving assessor.

I am sure there are plenty of mums on here who use baby sitters to look after their dcs, with the proviso that if something happens that they cant deal with they know who to go to.

But would you let a young baby sitter takek your dcs on a long train journey ????

Its a bit like that with my DH, in familiar palces / with people around him he knows nooo problem.

OP posts:

Original poster

kitty4paws · 29/12/2011 22:04

i am confused about why you felt it was safe to leave him with a car and 4 children for a couple of days

He wasnt alone he was with his sister / mum all the time.

OP posts:

hellhasnofury · 29/12/2011 22:05

I read it as Kitty meaning her DH was fine with the DCs as he had support from his family. Just from reading this post I would imagine that the OP needs a respite break from caring and you should be able to get help from family surely? I don't think it was unreasonable of her to go home especially as she's said she's not welcome at the house.

OP I think I'd take a risk on getting the earlier train. Good luck. I take my hat off to you, your day to day life sounds tough.

TheProvincialLady · 29/12/2011 22:05

Feck your husband in this situation. What is the safest thing for your children? If it is to go and get them, pay £50 and go and get them. I wouldn't want them there in that freakish household anyway. Your husband's sister doesn't get to decide that they are safe. I think you made a mistake in leaving them there in the first place TBH.

YuleingFanjo · 29/12/2011 22:07

"He wasnt alone he was with his sister / mum all the time."

the same sister who thinks it's ok for him to drive home, so presumably had he decided to take the kids out in the car for a 2 hour daytrip then she would have thought that was ok too? Or does your sil have a point that the journey home is a familiar one for him and so is ok?

still... I think the only advice anyone can reasonably give is that you get the earlier train if you are worried. Is that what you are going to do?

Original poster

kitty4paws · 29/12/2011 22:08

I think you made a mistake in leaving them there in the first place TBH.

I am now questioning how any future visits will be handled

OP posts:

Original poster

kitty4paws · 29/12/2011 22:10

Or does your sil have a point that the journey home is a familiar one for him and so is ok?

It is over 3 hours, he asked me on the way up at LEAST 5 times " where are e meant to be going ?" ( not lost as such, just didn't know where he was going IYSWIM)

Also, whjat if the M6 is blocked and he is diverted off to god knows where, then what coudl have been a familiar journey is then unfamilliar,

OP posts:

Original poster

kitty4paws · 29/12/2011 22:15

I am going to get the earlier train ( ANother £50 ) But all the posts have given me some good points that I use when if his family start on with the "nannying"

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 29/12/2011 22:26

Thus could happen anywhere though... Accidents, diversions.... The unexpected..... Which means he really can't drive unless someone is with him, at all times.

You should have gone up today if you knew you faced this dilemma. If he drives, it's not just his kids lives at risk, but other drivers too. Whoever assessed this as being 'safe' to drive needs shooting!

verytellytubby · 29/12/2011 22:48

I don't understand. Why did you leave the car? Why are his family so against you? Why is he so cruel to you? If his sister understands his condition how on earth could she justify letting him drive off with the kids?

Could he be faking?

RandomMess · 29/12/2011 22:50

Kitty I really feel for you, you do everything you can for your dh and his family sh*t all over you

JustHecate · 30/12/2011 09:21

would you consider collecting the children and leaving your husband there? - actually, you will already be there by now, so maybe sending him back.

Hear me out. I know that sounds heartless. But they refuse to accept the reality of the situation and will not support you. They need to live what you are living. They need several weeks with him, to truly understand what has happened to him. I don't think they are ever going to 'get' that on your word alone. They need to live with it to see.

Perhaps after that, they will change their view and support you?

I know - it's extreme. But sometimes you have to be.

Original poster

kitty4paws · 30/12/2011 15:46

Hear me out. I know that sounds heartless. But they refuse to accept the reality of the situation and will not support you. They need to live what you are living. They need several weeks with him, to truly understand what has happened to him. I don't think they are ever going to 'get' that on your word alone. They need to live with it to see. you have hit the nail on the head. DH puts on a very good "show" for others, he seems just like his old self , fogetful yrs but generaly the lovley, lovley man I married. BUT they dont see him 24/7 , they just DONT know what it is like. His sister has accused me of lying and making up the physical abuse ( which has stopped once his meds were sorted) because I didnt have "any bruises" If his family wont even believe what I say and only believe MY sister ( who has some dort of "munchhausen (sp) type thing i susspect) and my DH , who ( no offence to DH) is not the most realibel source of information seeing as he has MENTAL health issues.

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Original poster

kitty4paws · 30/12/2011 15:50

ps just to updtae,
I took the early train up this morning , couldn't use my off peak ticket so was looking at an extra £50 to pay on the train itself.

Buuuut becasue I was so tired ( I only slept 3 hours last night) I was asleep when the ticket guy came round and so didnt get checked !!! hurrah !

I went to SIL house and she just raged at me, callign me a liar, saying she never wants to see my face again , you get the picture.

TOday it is particularly hard as it is the friat anniversary of my brothers rather traumatic death so I'm not on "best form" so to sepak.

She knew thai and went on regardless.

She was perfectly willing to have had DH drive all the way home on his own as "wasn't getting involved"

Buuuuut due to dhs MH issues she IS involved, when the DCs are with her and DH they are HER responsibility not his.

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Original poster

kitty4paws · 30/12/2011 15:52

Whoever assessed this as being 'safe' to drive needs shooting!

He is fine to drive, a mcuh better driver than I am .

On his own the worst that could happen is that he gets lost,, but on his own with the kids ???? whole different ball game.

If I thought he was a danger he would not be driving and wasnt for two months between diagnosis and assesment. He didnt drive ANYwhere

OP posts:

JustHecate · 30/12/2011 17:10

so would you consider sending him to stay with his sister, in order to ensure that she experiences what it is like, and will therefore believe you?

Otherwise, you don't have a hope in hell of this changing.

Original poster

kitty4paws · 30/12/2011 17:38

just hecate

I think she need to see him at home, with all the dcs etc to get a REAL idea.

If she wants she can come here for the long easter break, a couple of weeks of bored kids and a groucy dad should do it
I shall go bugger off somewhere with a very long book and leave them to it.

OP posts:

Collision · 30/12/2011 17:39

What a day to day nightmare for you Kitty! It must be so frustrating trying to keep all the plates spinning!

What is the relationship like between you and DH? Does he work? do you get any support at all?

Sorry to hear about your brother's death as well.

Hope you are OK now.

JustHecate · 30/12/2011 17:42

sounds like a plan, tbh.

You have to do something.

You are only one person.

Trying to care for your husband, raise 4 children, fight your sister and now fight his sister?

How long do you think you can keep it up? I am concerned for you. When it finally overwhelms you and you collapse under the weight of it all - what then?

Original poster

kitty4paws · 30/12/2011 17:43

Collision
Dh does not work, hasnt for a year. I am tryign my best to keep our business going on a smaller scale, so he has something to come back to IYKWIM

Realtionship, pretty much carer and caree I suppose, he spends a great deal of time on his own in his room.

Thanks for the thought on DB, a year ago already [sigh]

Support : not a lot form family,, interferance more than anything. Friends have been a better source all round. But one cousin is GREAT and a db does pop round sometimes ( more than the others all put together I have to say)

OP posts:

Original poster

kitty4paws · 30/12/2011 17:44

When it finally overwhelms you and you collapse under the weight of it all -

Maybe they will reaslie the harm thay have done and not just focus on Pooooor Dh he's iiiiiilllllll !

OP posts:

SweetLilyTea · 30/12/2011 17:47

Kitty I really feel for you. Your sil has absolutely no right to shout abuse at you like that! He is your dh and they are your children, and you had a perfect right to travel up there. After all that was the original arrangement.

Sounds like a hellish situation all round. What did you say to your sil when she shouted all that at you? I think you will need to figure out some long-term strategies/coping mechanisms to help you deal with this.

Sorry about your brother, and I hope you can relax a bit and put your feet up this evening.

Original poster

kitty4paws · 30/12/2011 17:48

sweet :
I shouted back !
she kept saying that she had "evidence" that I was lying, but when I repeatdly asked her to "go and get it then" she didn't

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