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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

new car

107 replies

pissedofforwhat · 28/12/2011 17:05

to expect a car of the same value as DH. He thinks not and I am sad. Mostly I feel sad because it is like he feels I am worth less Sad

OP posts:
Sirzy · 28/12/2011 18:30

You seem unwilling to listen to what everyone is saying, infact your whining sounds very much like my 2 year old when he "needs" sweets like his cousin.

I really hope pp is right when they suggest this could be a wind up. Otherwise you need to spend a day in the real world!

clam · 28/12/2011 18:30

So, if he agrees to get you "what he has" will that make you feel better about yourself and your status? Within your marriage I mean, not on the school run.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2011 18:36

I can't believe some of the attitudes on this thread. FFS - why can't we value mothers who choose to stay at home and look after their children themselves and not put them in childcare??

Why do so many of you think it's HIS money?

Why do so many of you think she needs to be in paid employment to make financial decisions regarding family money?

Jesus christ - I'm all for women working & using childcare if they want to, but why is looking after you own children so bloody frowned upon??

OP - I can see why you are so upset by his attitude. Why do you allow him to dictate what your family money is spent on? Why is it not a joint decision?

Maybetimeforachange · 28/12/2011 18:37

Is there an element of snob value going on here. It seems that your husband wants you to have a fairly new car but one that costs less than the one you want yet he seems to think that a car even few years old isn't worth buying. You would be able to buy a 3 year old Volvo XC90, for less than 20k and I bet your budget is way above that. It is less flash and in your face than a RR and IMO would tick all your boxes including costing a small fortune to run so that you don't feel hard done by.

Original poster
pissedofforwhat · 28/12/2011 18:37

yes clam, i would feel much better about myself within the marriage. Quite franklu I do not care about what cars other people have,albeit I did mentionit. I only mentioned it because the sch mums are of the same background as me and are treated differently to whihc my dh treats me. I dot need the car to 'keep up' with anyone. I would like to have the car I choose and not be made to feel I do not deserve it or am not worthy of it by DH IYSWIM. I am not being childish. He can easily afford it and yes, i do NEED a 4x4 or I get snowbound, each and every time.

OP posts:
Original poster
pissedofforwhat · 28/12/2011 18:41

thank you chippingin, you seem to see the other side so to speak. I dont exactly ALLOW him to dictate, but what choice do I have? Leave? get a parttime job that will not pay much and not give me any leaverage? Not good answers or reasons are they. He is just being selfish and controlling.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 28/12/2011 18:44

But then you unwillingness to compromise at all could also lead to you easily being described as selfish and controlling. You come across very much as having a "my way or no way" attitude.

Surely you can understand why you husband doesn't want to spend 50k (at a guess) on a car to be used for the school run? Irrespective of if he can afford it or not I can understand not wanting to!

rootietootie · 28/12/2011 18:45

all what chipping said, I'm a bit sad at the go out and get a job attitude.

MrsMagnolia · 28/12/2011 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kickassangel · 28/12/2011 18:55

hmm, i love how the 'school run' is being denigrated as not worthy of a nice car.

I bet op does things like buy food for the family, drive kids to clubs, meet people & promote their social life - all things which benefit the dh, the kids and herself. all things which need a car.

if she needs a 4x4 of a decent size, and her dh doesn't want her having an old car, then the budget needs to fit that.

if he's telling her she needs a certain type of car (and it sounds like he is, mainly so he doesn't have to drop kids off himself) then he can't tell her it should less then it does. what's she supposed to do? walk into a car sales room, tell them her dh wants x car but will only pay y amount, and see if they'll kindly take 15k off the price?

he's starting to sound like he views himself as the big 'i am' just cos he's got a job which pays well.

and if she feels he's controlling her, well that needs addressing as well.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 28/12/2011 19:01

It sounds though as if it isn't actually about the car at all but the balance of power in their relationship. Which to be fair to the OP does need addressing if she feels he is controlling and selfish about all financial matters.

Someone said before that the car is a red herring and I think it is , but a very distracting one that means we're not focusing on the real issue.

OP, do you have equal say as to how your family finances are run?

NinkyNonker · 28/12/2011 19:31

If, as a family you have decided for you to stay home then you ought to e treated equally. If he has a good reason for the car he thinks suitable for you (we have only one car until the leccy one hits the highway, so we chose it jointly) then fair enough I guess, but if it is just "it is my money and I want to spend it on myself and not you" then he is being unfair.

You don't lose all say in how money is spent when you become a SAHM, well, you shouldn't anyway. I can understand feeling like a second class citizen if his only motivation is as indicated.

mum80 · 28/12/2011 19:31

Op you do sound quite petty. However, I think you are feeling that your dh doesn't value your contribution to the household. It isn't really about the car is it?
I earn considerably less than my dh and I think it does cause friction. At the moment I have the large family car but it's old. Dh now wants to get a 4x4 for himself. However, he has discussed this with me and we will make decision together.

Bunnyjo · 28/12/2011 19:35

pissedofforwhat - on face value of your OP and some of your subsequent posts YABU, you come across as precious, demanding and a little childish...

BUT, there are small statements within your posts that say this isn't about the car per se, but more about how valued you feel as a whole within your marriage. As a few others have said, the car bit seems somewhat of a red herring and is more another example of how controlled/ undervalued you feel rather than being the actual problem. If this is the case, YANBU and there are plenty of people on here who can give you fantastic advice.

Dawndonna · 28/12/2011 19:40

I've come to the conclusion that this is some sort of wind up.
I only mentioned it because the sch mums are of the same background as me and are treated differently to whihc my dh treats me.
Bored.
Gone.

FredFredGeorge · 28/12/2011 19:48

c'mon this is a wind up. There's nowhere in this country where you both need a 4x4 and everyone doing the school run has a range rover or similar. It simply doesn't exist, there places you can live where you need a 4x4, but most people in the local school will not be able to afford expensive 2nd cars.

If you're at all genuine OP, GET A GRIP, it's a car.

Beaverfeaver · 28/12/2011 21:18

My DP has always earnt more than me, but he has always made sure that I have had the nicer/ more expensive car out of the two of us.

He actually gets turned on by the fact that I drive a car that not many women have and a lot often would like to have as it has a huge engine and does I-60 in under 6 seconds.

I would be fine with a little
Fiat 500, but we love put cars and treat them as our hobbies

Beaverfeaver · 28/12/2011 21:21

Oh and fredfredgeorge: big engines 4x4's are on of the cheapest 2nd hand cars to buy now thanks to the government causing them to depreciate hugely.

As long as you weren't doing a silly amount of miles every month you could get a much more luxurious 4x4 from a prestigious brand for the same amount a little 1ltr hatch would cost.

I am not a fan of 4x4's or hatch backs but I know what I would chose if I had to

amichrissima · 28/12/2011 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wherearemysocks · 28/12/2011 21:35

I've just got back from Lapland which was deep in snow and whislt there both me and dh commented on how we hadn't seen a single 4x4 on the roads, only 'normal' cars as well as coaches driving around without any problems.

From what I've read of your posts, you sound petulant and he sounds controlling. I think you both need to sit down and have a conversation about just how equal your marriage is.

EmmaBemma · 28/12/2011 21:39

I don't get how you can "need" a 4x4 unless you genuinely do live up a muddy dirt track on the side of a mountain? Otherwise a normal car would suffice for all reasonable uses. But yes, on a general level it must suck to feel you have to beg for money. I just think there are better uses for it.

clam · 28/12/2011 21:58

Side issue: someone told me recently that if you put winter tyres on your car, you must inform your insurance company, as they consider it a "modification" to the factory settings. It could therefore invalidate your policy in the event of a claim - ironic, if it was a snow-related one!

warthog · 28/12/2011 22:01

do you need it for snow or mud?

rootietootie · 28/12/2011 22:13

I have a 4x4, albeit a slightly older one, and I would find it hard to revert back to a normal car. I LOVE driving it, simple as. When I go for a new car, I will need a 4x4 :)

If, as a family, you can afford the car you want, and dp spent more on his car, then I dont see how its unjustified you having a preference. (I think another poster mentioned how her husband buys £400 shoes and she was happy with £60 shoes she chose. Would she be happy if husband chose and insisted on her buying £10 primark shoes and that these would do the same thing?)

nooka · 29/12/2011 01:49

I'm not sure that is terribly relevant though as the car the OP wants is a new range rover sport model which costs about £50k compared with her dh's top of the line model that seems to cost about £70k. Of course if he is earning a huge amount then the money may not be that big a deal and he is a bit of a tight bastard, but it is just as possible that he has suggested a reasonable budget to the OP for the family car and she is throwing a paddy because she wants a shiny new one like him. Unless there is other stuff going on in the relationship then it seem a bit sad to be playing this sort of game where money = worth.