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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

new car

107 replies

pissedofforwhat · 28/12/2011 17:05

to expect a car of the same value as DH. He thinks not and I am sad. Mostly I feel sad because it is like he feels I am worth less Sad

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 28/12/2011 17:32

Here is why he is right.

YOU ARENT PAYING FOR IT
HE TRAVELS MORE MILES
YOU CARRY CHILDREN SO A NEWER CAR WOULD GET SPOILT QUICKER
YOU PROBABLY DO LESS MILES PER YEAR THAN HIM YET THE INTERIOR GETS DAMAGED QUICKER

Sorry I dont get you point and think it is pathetic.

ThreeNine · 28/12/2011 17:33

He needs to impress people for work, you don't. spending a load on you getting an equal one would be a waste IMO.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 28/12/2011 17:36

It's utter nonsense because cars do not, in my opinion, infer status. They are tin boxes on four wheels that need to be safe and need to get their occupants from a to b as efficiently as possible.

I would not put £50,000-£60,000 in a tin box with a key outside my house and wait for it to go rusty and depreciate. Neither would I invest more than was strictly necessary in a tin box to get me from a to b.

I recently sold a 10 year old Renault Scenic that was on its last legs. Am quite sure people looked at us on holiday last year and thought poor sods, bet they have really scraped it together to come here. Do I care - of course not - I know what we have in the bank and I don't need a flash car to impress Wink.

pissedofforwhat · 28/12/2011 17:36

therefore I feel unworthy and he obviously feels that. It is not pathetic. Most of the mums at sch have them so it would seem thier husbands think theirs wives worthy. I cannot get a job. I have to run around after various children all day, and NO the car would not get dirty and damaged. we do not live like that

OP posts:
marriedandwreathedinholly · 28/12/2011 17:38

And my DH's reputation goes before him, not the car he drives. He loves his quirky little GWiz. Grin.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2011 17:38

Sorry OP, but you just sound petulant. You want a car of the same value just because you're equal. What has a car of the same value to do with equality? Don't you need one that's bigger? Economical to run? Enhanced safety thingies? Car seats? Maybe in-car entertainment?

Your husband's car needs different features. Whatever he needs for his job is what he needs.

Stop grizzling and be an adult. You don't even seem to know what you want, you just know that you want something that costs the same because you're worth it... Xmas Hmm

FabbyChic · 28/12/2011 17:38

You want the same car as he has but do less miles and only need it for ferrying children and getting shopping, I think you just want to impress the mums at the school with your new status symbol. Sorry you are being unreasonable.

clam · 28/12/2011 17:39

Hmm, I think I can see why you're pissed off, but I guess it depends whether you feel undervalued in other ways. If not, then what the hell does it matter? Why do you need to "prove" your worth by the reg plate of a car?
Personally, I think that it's a complete waste of money to buy a brand new car anyway - makes much more sense to get one even just a few months old - low mileage and massive saving on the forecourt price. And with us, I drive the swanky tank newer, bigger family car, and DH pootles around in a little Clio. He couldn't care less. I suggested getting him something a bit flashier - I love cars, he views them as things to get you from A to B and isn't interested in appearances at all - but he "can't be arsed" until this one snuffs it.

Dawndonna · 28/12/2011 17:39

Do you know what. If you worry about feeling undervalued because he has a better car, you have a problem. My dh doesn't drive, I have the (one and only motability) car. He doesn't feel undervalued. I really think you need to sort out some real principles and grow up a bit. Sorry, I know it's a bit harsh, but really, there are so many more important things to get worked up about.

DesperatelySeekingPomBears · 28/12/2011 17:39

"Most of the mums at school have them"... are you five?!

rhondajean · 28/12/2011 17:40

You do not need to run around after children. You have chosen to do that. Plenty of us have children and work. If you want more money to buy stupid horrible four by fours, stop whining and do the same.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 28/12/2011 17:40

Oh and FWIW our ds goes to one of the most exclusive London day schools and I certainly didn't have a problem dropping him off in a clapped out Scenic. There is even one lad who gets dropped in the Bentley by the driver every morning - the driver always gives me a wink - he knows where we live Grin.

Sirzy · 28/12/2011 17:41

Aww diddums all upset because you can't compete with the other mummies at school. Truely pathetic!

fortyplus · 28/12/2011 17:42

YABU and sound pathetic. No family 'needs' two Range Rovers

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 28/12/2011 17:43

Oh get a grip. I am presuming that he's not buying a 20 year old banger, but a decent second hand car and then on the weekend you will all pile into the new car.

Buying you what you need doesn't devalue you and you sound like my child, "But Muuuuum all of the other children at school have one".

Wah wah wah.

fortyplus · 28/12/2011 17:44

If your child goes to a London school then I'm presuming that you live in rural Home Counties - so you don't need a 4x4 at all if you can drive properly.

zukiecat · 28/12/2011 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kickassangel · 28/12/2011 17:44

hmm, this is one of those things that is hard to know

on one side
being a sahm doesn't give her lesser rights - she should be respected as an equal
using a car for domestic chores benfits the entire family - including him - so why shouldn't she have a decent car?
if they can afford it, it's quite mean spirited to refuse her the money, unless she's spent an equivalent amount elsewhere

on the other side
it's expensive to buy & run, so why spend money unless they need to
it may well end up being scruffy, so why buy a 'naice' car for kids who don't appreciate it

prob it's more the fact that he won't 'allow' her the money, as if she somehow has to earn it before being rewarded. perhaps give him a bill for housekwwping, childcare, cooking, shopping etc. then when he pays you the money, buy your own car with your earnings?

it still amazes me how many men just don't get how much better off they are because they have a wife who is supporting them. Yes, the cash they earn to come into a family is important - but so is the work of the housekeeper/childcarer etc. Either they're willing to pay for those things (either a nanny, cleaner etc, or being supportive & sharing of a wife) or they have to accept that they don't get food, housing, children, etc I mean children don't magically grow up unaided, houses don't clean themselves, the food fairies don't put dinner on the table. Somewhere along the line people have to produce or pay for it. He can pay by hiring people, or pay by respecting his wife & buying her a car just cos she wants it, and he loves & respects her.

clam · 28/12/2011 17:44

Hmm, now actually I think you have a bigger problem than what car to buy.

kickassangel · 28/12/2011 17:49

I think the what you want to buy is distracting people. The why of him refusing it, and you feeling the need to wheedle/ask/grovel is prob the issue here.

If it's just a car, get over it. If this is normal within the relationship, there are issues to deal with.

rhondajean · 28/12/2011 17:49

I wonder if you considered some of the other mums might have bought their own cars?

Some of us have more self worth than to be an extension of our partners buying power.

Apologies to the SAH parents who actually do have the balance right, I guess there are some of you out there !

rootietootie · 28/12/2011 17:52

agree mostly with kickassangel.

Not understanding the 'he needs cars to impress clients' is acceptable' vs 'you are being childish to want a car to keep up with the other mums'.

Im off on maternity and even working, I earn peanuts next to my oh (more so since im going back part time) but everything we buy is joint agreement (even if pays more). If dh bought something, (I suppose like a car) and I wanted a similiar one, if we could afford it, I'd be fuming if he said no, he would not anyway.

Maybetimeforachange · 28/12/2011 17:54

You are being ridiculous. I have a top of the range 4x4, DH drives an old and knackered saloon soon to be replaced by a citroen C1 simply because running 2 cars of equal status is a complete and utter waste of money when accounting for running and insuring them. All you need is car big enough for you as a family and another so that you are not stranded when the other one has the main car. The only time I see the need for 2 nice cars might be if one partner needs something a bit showy for work.

Pendeen · 28/12/2011 17:56

It is rather very naive, arrogant or delf-deluding to believe that cars " do not infer status ."

It is blindingly obvious that this is so wrong.

The reality is that millions of people believe that their car is more than just transport, getting them to admit to this is however a different matter entirely.

Huge numbers of luxury and sporting cars are sold on this basis alone.

Manufacturers like Ferrari, Aston Martin and Bently - not to mention the 'lesser' brands such as BMW and Jaguar would simply not exist if everyone thought, as one contributor put it " They are tin boxes on four wheels that need to be safe and need to get their occupants from a to b as efficiently as possible ."

rhondajean · 28/12/2011 18:00

Pendent, it depends if your self worth is tied up in material possessions or other things surely?

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