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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask SAHM/ term time workers what happens in the holidays

89 replies

madsam · 28/12/2011 10:10

I have 3 school aged dc and I work part time term time. I admit I probably do have it easier in term time. Hence, I do 99.9% of work in house/childcare and all laundry in term time. DH is quite messy too.

However, he now has shut down for Christmas. We were away Xmas Eve and Xmas Day with his family. Before going I loaded dishwasher but it wasn't ready before we left. We returned Boxing Day morning when we unloaded car and I than drove with dc to visit my family. He didn't come as has a football season ticket.

Since than he has done nothing except play computer games. watch tv, build 1 toy for kids and maybe play for an hour or so with dc.

Dishwasher was still full when I returned late Boxing Day and his plate etc were in sink.

OP posts:

lljkk · 28/12/2011 10:16

I think it's personality, not a SAHM thing. I am SAHM & might leave dishes, DH hates dishes left around, his mother is a tidy freak & never left dishes unwashed.

mrspepperpotty · 28/12/2011 10:27

I am a SAHM. I have 3 young DC - 1 at school, 1 at nursery in the mornings and 1 at home with me. In term time I do 99% of the cooking, washing up, laundry, childcare etc. In the holidays (DH is off work from 24th Dec to 2nd Jan) I still do. I'm happy with this as he works hard and I do feel he needs a break more than me. It's about feeling that you are a partnership, isn't it?

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/12/2011 10:30

We split things when we are both home.

callmemrs · 28/12/2011 10:33

If you work part time and your kids are at school while he is the full time main earner then yes, you do have it easier and tbh he is probably more in need of a break.

I don't think that's an excuse for a partner to totally take the piss, but equally I don't think you can just get to a holiday and say 'right, each partner has to do exactly 50% of the chores'. After all, he isn't insisting you do 50% of the earning is he?

He should step up and do more than he would during term time, but it sounds like you have far more time during term time to generally 'unwind' , so in this respect, his relaxation time is more limited than yours

mercibucket · 28/12/2011 10:33

I work part time and we split tasks 60:40 or thereabouts - we do the things we prefer. In hols we do 50:50. Your dh is having a rest - make sure you do to!!

mercibucket · 28/12/2011 10:33

I work part time and we split tasks 60:40 or thereabouts - we do the things we prefer. In hols we do 50:50. Your dh is having a rest - make sure you do to!!

troisgarcons · 28/12/2011 10:37

I'm same as you - but DH takes control commandeers the dishwasher and is forever rounding up cups and plates and turning the damned thing on. Very shortly he will start with the hoover and wake the kids up. He does breakfast. Possibly lunch as well. I'll do evening meal. And I've just bunged the first load of laundry on in 4 days.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2011 10:38

I'm not really sure what your OP has to do with SAHMs?

Anyway, we split everything down the middle.

StepAwayFromTheMincePies · 28/12/2011 10:41

yup, I always, always do everything

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/12/2011 10:44

I just don't get all this "he earns more than 50% so shouldn't have to do 50% of household tasks" stuff. As far as DH and I are concerned, we both work during the day. He works outside of the home, I work in the home. Once he's home, whether that's in the evenings or weekends, or on annual leave days, everything is shared. Amounts earned by people shouldn't determine how much they do in the house.

BastedTurkey · 28/12/2011 10:45

DH keeps himself busy doing "jobs" that he likes doing - DIY and tinkering etc so I can't moan at him for sitting on his arse.

I do a bit of housework here and there and if something needs doing I will point it out and he will do it.

We are a messy family and we have a cleaner so not too fussed about doing more than the bare minimum.

BastedTurkey · 28/12/2011 10:46

Forgot to say I work in a school so work 9 - 3.30 term time 4 days per week.

Groovee · 28/12/2011 10:52

I'm termtime only too. I cook and wash the dishes. Dh dries and hangs the washings up and I put them in the machine. Just cos it's holiday's doesn't mean we can all down tools.

Hassled · 28/12/2011 10:56

Dh works away during the week so obviously everything falls to me and I work very very PT so that's fine. But yes, at weekends and holidays I end up a simmering ball of resentment as he relaxes and I continue to keep the house ticking over.

Then I have a hissy fit, he apologises a lot and gets his act togeter until it gradually peters out again and he does nothing, I have another hissy fit and so on. We're brewing up nicely towards hissy fit time - so far this morning I have emptied and reloaded dishwasher, put a wash on, hoovered downstairs and mopped floors. He's had a nice lie in and a shower and is now getting photos off his phone and onto his laptop.

So no solutions but lots of sympathy.

Bonsoir · 28/12/2011 11:01

My issue isn't with DP, who does help out a bit when he is around but, frankly, is mostly at work and I think he needs a break. My issue is with my more than able-bodied DSSs (16 and 14) who think it is beyond them to clean up after themselves, let alone participate in communal chores. WIP!

callmemrs · 28/12/2011 11:02

Hexagonal- I think youre oversimplifying what some people are saying.

My point was that if one partner (whether wife or husband) has responsibility for being the major breadwinner, it's fairly likely that the pressure and stress level of their job is such that they may need a different sort of 'down time'.
Being at home with young kids is very demanding but its not difficult or stressful work. When I was on maternity leave with a newborn and a toddler, my day (and night!) was physically demanding, but nothing that an extra hour in bed or a lazy bath couldn't sort out. Whereas if day in day out you are operating in a mentally demanding job, with challenging targets to meet, then you may find it takes longer to recharge when you do get time off

Anyway, the op has school age children and a part time ,term time only job, compared to her husbands full time job. Clearly she gets more down time during the term time than he does. So my point is simply that his down time is concentrated into a shorter period of time. If she is going to insist on him doing exactly 50% during the holidays, then logically what's to stop him demanding an equal share of downtime during term time?? Which would no doubt mean the op stepping up and having to take a more demanding full time hours job??

Ultimately it sounds fairly reasonably- in her situation I would recognise that I had the easier deal job-wise and would accept the other side of that coin is doing more in the home

marriedandwreathedinholly · 28/12/2011 11:04

Did you ask him to unload the dishwasher?

A lot depends on how pressured his job is. DH here has been full on since third week in August - leaving at 7am and getting home at about 8.45pm, working on Sundays and getting up at night to make notes, etc. OTH DH earns 10 x my salary and I work because I want to.

I also have a full time job but tend to work 9.30am-6ish with may be an hour at home, we have two teenage children, three cats, and his mother arrived on 22nd and goes home tomorrow. He is taking her home and staying with her until Tuesday next week because she is having an op' (not serious) on Friday.

I do the majority of household stuff and all the organising for Christmas although DH got the tree. DH does garden, rubbish and wipes down outdoor paintwork and is uber tidy.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/12/2011 11:05

I think we will have to agree to disagree, callmemrs. Once you become parents, you accept that for a few years life will be more difficult and that there will be less relaxation time. My DH wouldn't be happy to just sit around whilst I rushed around doing everything in the house, and I wouldnt' be happy with that scenario either. If it works for others to live like that then so be it, but it isn't for us.

If you think I am over simplifying things then so be it, but I do think it seems a bit controlling and anal to divide things up by percentages.

callmemrs · 28/12/2011 11:14

Yes- I agree it's anal to do what the op is doing and try to divide it up so her husband is doing exactly half of everything. She should just accept that with school age kids and a part time job, she gets more downtime the rest of the year, while his is concentrated into his holiday.

Having young children does increase the workload all round for a family, but lets not pretend all jobs are equally hard or demanding!

NinkyNonker · 28/12/2011 11:14

50/50 here whenever he is home, hols no different. As it should be, in my opinion...I am not a house slave, I look after dd while he is at work.

callmemrs · 28/12/2011 11:19

Ps- Our children are older and at school. I work full time, generally about 8 to 5/6 pm in the office, but I take no work home and I dont have to think about work outside those hours. My dh probably spends only marginally more time at work, but his work is more pressurised- sometime he has to deal with things in evenings or weekends and I know he can't switch off like I can. I know which side my bread is buttered! I am happy to deal with more domestic stuff because career wise, I have the easier deal. If I was only working part time and term time only I'd feel it even more strongly

TheFestiveWife · 28/12/2011 11:19

I'm a SAHM and have 2 school aged dds and grown up DSD. DH works full time. When he's off he does pull his weight, dishes, tidying, cooking etc. I probably still do a bit more than him but that's fair enough, if I ask him to split jobs he will. DSD usually picks up after herself, although her room is her domain and mostly looks like a bombsite! I occasionally have to go in there to search for glasses/cups/plates or bath towels but she's not bad really.

NinkyNonker · 28/12/2011 11:23

Dd is 16 months and I'm pregnant, and we're selling/buying a house which I'm organising, so I guess we feel my family contribution is fairly high at the moment!

DH works full time in a professional role which is full on when he is there (concentration wise, it is a fairly esoteric type job a lot of the time) but doesn't require any home work as he would need lots of specialist equipment...so when he is home he's home iyswim.

Laquitar · 28/12/2011 11:31

Tbh i don't even count the dishwasher as 'chore'.

It doesn't matter who works or who doesn't, anyone above the age 6-7 can do the dishwasher, he should have done it.

Xenia · 28/12/2011 11:41

I don't buy this idea that people in paid work have more stresses which mean they need more time off than someone looking after young children. Arguably it's the other way round. I went back when the babies were 2 weeks old to full time work. It is much easier at work than home. You can pace your day. You even get peace on the train or in the car. You schedule your appointments. It is a peace of cake compared to when I looked after our 3 years , 1year and baby or even later our twins.

Essentially some people have different domestic standards than others and some men are sexist pigs. Many many housewives enable male sexism and laziness. You don't have to endure it. Just communicate nicely about it.

I don't even think it comes down to money although I earned 10x my children's father but even when we earned the same we did everything fairly. I think it is often a question of communication however. Also I strongly feel jobs should be divided rather than he "helps" . There was a period when my children's father did 100% of the washing. I hardly knewh ow to work the machine. That was his task. I did the girls' plaits, I got school books ready. He took them to the dentist for 17 years and I never took them. Much easier if X is his job and Y is yours.Why not say when he is home he does the dishwasher. LIke most jobs it's easiest with a plan so get it on at the same time every day without fail and then you don't even think about it, same withthe washing. He could do 100% of the cooking when he's on holiday too.

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