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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask SAHM/ term time workers what happens in the holidays

89 replies

madsam · 28/12/2011 10:10

I have 3 school aged dc and I work part time term time. I admit I probably do have it easier in term time. Hence, I do 99.9% of work in house/childcare and all laundry in term time. DH is quite messy too.

However, he now has shut down for Christmas. We were away Xmas Eve and Xmas Day with his family. Before going I loaded dishwasher but it wasn't ready before we left. We returned Boxing Day morning when we unloaded car and I than drove with dc to visit my family. He didn't come as has a football season ticket.

Since than he has done nothing except play computer games. watch tv, build 1 toy for kids and maybe play for an hour or so with dc.

Dishwasher was still full when I returned late Boxing Day and his plate etc were in sink.

OP posts:

characidae · 28/12/2011 11:46

I'm a SAHM to 4 - including a young breastfed baby, a toddler & a child with autism, I home educate them. I most certainly do not have an easier time than dh - who by his own admission sits in a nice office, with interesting people, a boss who buys him lunch & starbucks most days, a job he loves & is pretty good at. With 20 minute commute where he gets to listen to music/the news/audiobooks.

He does more of the house work the I do because he has far more time - work finishes when he leaves the office, mine responsibilities are 24/7. There is no way he would sit on his arse while I ran clearing up after him.

callmemrs · 28/12/2011 11:47

Depends on what the paid work is though. Not everyone gets a relaxing commute. My commute when working in a city was crowded, smelly, busy and stressful! And you can't always schedule appointments to suit you - again, depends on the job. Some jobs involve reacting to Situations or fitting in with a schedule dictated by external forces.

I certainly found being at home with children very easy in comparison to working. Physically draining and repetitive sometimes. But certainly not hard.

NinkyNonker · 28/12/2011 11:48

Agreed.

DH takes on cooking a lot because he enjoys it and finds it relaxing...he is also better at it than me. Turkey and ham pie tonight apparently...

He tends to step up a lot at home partly cause he wants to (he misses dd when he is at work) and partly cause the nature of his work means he is quite independent when there, he has the freedom to work on a number of projects, wander to test labs etc when he feels the need whereas he knows that when at home a 16 month old dictator tends to help determine the path of the day's events!

NinkyNonker · 28/12/2011 11:50

And he has a 5 min cycle to work...which compared to the sometimes 3 hr, 4 mode of transport extravaganza I used to have is heaven. Thank god for ipods etc.

Dishwashers don't count as chores, they are just part of tidying up after yourself.

TheFallenMadonna · 28/12/2011 11:53

I'm a teacher, so term time only (sort of).

When I am on holiday and DH is not, I do more work in the house. When we are both on holiday, or both at work, we do equivalent amounts.

We do both have, ahem, relaxed domestic standards though, which is harmonious, if somewhat messy...

goldbow · 28/12/2011 11:56

I have two at school and 1 at nursery 2days a week, I am SAHM. I do 99.9% of housework, shopping, pay bills, budget etc most of the year. When DH is off we split it kind of. I have been ill pretty much since DH finished for christmas so he has done 90% of household stuff.

goldbow · 28/12/2011 11:58

The same here The fallen, our standards are relaxed too which means mostly we don;t get het up about housework although every now annd again I do explode. Q everyone jumping to it

Strawberrytallcake · 28/12/2011 12:00

I don't work because I'm busy looking after dd. this does not make me a maid/cleaner!!!???? Nothing should change, your ddh should be picking up after themselves and cleaning their own clothes you are the mother to your child/children and not your dh. Wow I am offended by this thread.

I do, however, do all of the cooking because I thoroughly enjoy it and isn't work to me.

Xenia · 28/12/2011 12:02

Sometimes it is just that two people have different standards. My children have been in houses covered in piles and piles of mess but the family are happy and that's just how they are. I and I think most of the children like clear surfaces (not that we always manage it).

As for whether looking after 3 under 5s or "stressful" work is harder I do think the childcare is harder particularly if you're trying to tidy up and wash whilst you're doing it. I write that as someone who since 1983 has worked continuously and full time although done much child care too. Even a commute standing up is easier than having a baby who never wants to let go of you and the todldler grabbing their leg.

I think the toilet test is a good one. Who finds it harder to get to the loo? Often the parent at home. It is rare in an office that you cannot get to the loo unmolested. Some people are just bad at dealing with stress at work and they need therapy not sympathy. Yes it's hard to be working over night or off ona flight the next day at 4am (and I've done all that) but it's easier than looking after children at home.

biryani · 28/12/2011 12:04

I work in term time. I do all of the household chores on a regular basis - shopping, cleaning, ironing, cooking, hoovering, washing up, childcare, keeping the show on the road generally. DP tends to potter and is not lazy when at home but helps out randomly. He is generally happy to look after DD at weekends providing he hasn't anything on.

I'm very houseproud and wish he would do chores routinely when I am not there, but I think it would be unfair to expect this of him as he works in the week.

CailinDana · 28/12/2011 12:07

When DH is at home everything is 50/50 but that's mainly because he has a great job that is low on stress and that he loves so he sees going out to work as a break rather than chore. I try to give him some time off during the holidays (I'm taking DS to soft play tomorrow afternoon while he stays at home) but I can guarantee that in that time off he's likely to do some DIY or something house related as he's a bit obsessed at the moment. Your DH is a lazy twat.

goldbow · 28/12/2011 12:08

Whatever works for you strawberry. I agree about not being the maid/cleaner and often say this to my family. However my DH works a 60 hour week, comes home, very quickly has his dinner and then is straight into homework/baths/beds and as our eldest isn't actually in bed until 830/9, I don't expect him to do any housework during the week. Why would I expect him to wash his own clothes when i am putting ours on anyway? that makes no sense

CailinDana · 28/12/2011 12:09

My view is that the house needs to keep running 24/7. One person running the house all the time is just not on. If there are adults or children over 7 in the house then all of them need to contribute to the smooth running of the house regardless of whether they do outside work or not.

CailinDana · 28/12/2011 12:11

Oh god strawberry you mentioned the clothes! Previous experience has taught me that regardless of anything else, on MN women are absolutely expected to wash all clothes, otherwise the family is going to fall apart.

goldbow · 28/12/2011 12:11

Does that include childcare or just housework?

goldbow · 28/12/2011 12:12

cailin My DH has done most of the washing over this christmas break and often does everyones at the weekend so disagree.

CailinDana · 28/12/2011 12:12

Is that question to me goldbow? If it is then my answer is both childcare and housework. I do more housework than DH during the week as he isn't at home to do it, but in the evenings and weekends were entirely equal.

CailinDana · 28/12/2011 12:13

You'd be one of the exceptions goldbow.

goldbow · 28/12/2011 12:13

Sorry cailin yes it was. Ah ok.

goldbow · 28/12/2011 12:14

Really? cailin I'm quite pleased at that. I'm sad

SardineQueen · 28/12/2011 12:15

Depends on what you personally find harder work - working outside the home or doing the household /childcare etc.

I find doing the childcare and house stuff much harder overall than working outside the home so in the OPs boots I would feel like I was actually bearing the brunt of the work and would be pretty naffed off he wasn't lifting a finger.

tiredemma · 28/12/2011 12:17

We both work full time but I work my 37.5 hours over three days whereas DP works mon-fri. He will clean the house from top to bottom at the weekend, I keep on top of it on days that I am off.

He won't do the washing though which is a PITA (but then I won't do the garden so it equals itself out!)

I thank the Lord that I don't live with a messy, bone idle, computer playing oik. i would find it a huge turn off and an irritation.

Bonsoir · 28/12/2011 12:19

"I thank the Lord that I don't live with a messy, bone idle, computer playing oik. i would find it a huge turn off and an irritation."

DP isn't like this... but the two DSSs are, and yes, I agree, a huge turn off and irritation!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 28/12/2011 12:52

I would find it disrespectful if my DH thought it was his god given right to sit there whilst I struggled to do everything at the weekend, just because I'd had 3 hours more relaxation time in the week or something like that. A relationship is a partnership, and the reality of having children is it's bloody hard work. It's unrealistic IMO to sit there and divvy up the relaxation time "Oh, you've had 7 minutes more relaxation time than me this week, I'm not going to watch the DC this morning"

Xenia · 28/12/2011 13:02

There are plenty of full time working men with lazy housewife wives too, men who come home and do a lot at home too. It's hard to generalise ad what to one person is lazy to another is just making sure they relax because they couldn't care less about dust.

Older teenagers and helping is a different issue. I suspect most teenagers do very little as they are designed to be spotty, ugly nasty to ensure they make a break from the parents. It's a sort of natural process. They then turn lovely again once that phase has passed.

I agree about not doing things exactly 5050 instead say the man does all the cooking or all the washing. If people have a task they do 100% of they remember it and do it. If they are just expected to mind read that their spouse needs "help" that's harder.

I made sure I married someone who was fair and realised my career would earn 10x his and who already had a house or his own, did washing, was happy to do more childcare than I did etc and where we both had similar domestic standards which I suppose are probably middle to fairly tidy rather than very messy as we are both organised people.

Also in terms of hobbies and itme off if the spouse has 3 hours reading the paper have your 3 hours too, ditto golf etc etc Just ensure some partiy. He could have the children 100% on Saturdays and you on Sundays or whatever works best.DO't tolerate and enable sexism and sometimes earning much more than the man is a pretty good way to ensure you don't become a drudge domestically. It's also huge fun

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