to ask SAHM/ term time workers what happens in the holidays

[madsam]

I have 3 school aged dc and I work part time term time. I admit I probably do have it easier in term time. Hence, I do 99.9% of work in house/childcare and all laundry in term time. DH is quite messy too.

However, he now has shut down for Christmas. We were away Xmas Eve and Xmas Day with his family. Before going I loaded dishwasher but it wasn't ready before we left. We returned Boxing Day morning when we unloaded car and I than drove with dc to visit my family. He didn't come as has a football season ticket.

Since than he has done nothing except play computer games. watch tv, build 1 toy for kids and maybe play for an hour or so with dc.

Dishwasher was still full when I returned late Boxing Day and his plate etc were in sink.

But would you say it's disrespectful to be sitting and having an hours relaxation during the week while your other half is, say, hard at work in a manual job? Or negotiating a stressful cut and thrust deal in the office? Or addressing a few hundred people at a conference?

All I'm saying is, if you're going to divvy it up: it cuts both ways. Probably most people at home wouldnt give a thought to what their partner might be doing at work.

I'm quite happy to let my dh do less of the grind during holiday periods because I know his work is more stressful and longer hours the rest of the time. He's not taking the piss. After all, I'm getting the benefit of his hard work. I already work full time, but I'd have to take on a more challenging role to earn the money he does.

Last post in response to hexagonal

callmemrs, as I have said previously, I feel it is pedantic and anal to divvy up to the exact minute. My DH and I respect each others' roles, we don't get into the whole competitive "I work harder than you" thing. It works for us.

Exactly my point! One person may have more time off during the week, but they don't sit and agonise about what their partner is doing at work.

Op by her own admission has an easier time most of the year. Her dh works longer hours with more stress. Anal and pedantic of her to agonise over how many times he unloads the dishwasher!

I do remember though when the children were tiny getting sick of DH coming home on a Friday and announcing what he would be doing at the weekend, ie, football on Saturday (often with DS but leaving me with DD), drink with x from work on Sunday at the rugby club - that sort of thing. No consultation no concern about what I might like to do - if I had any plans, etc, if I wanted to do something together - to share the party runs, etc..

So, one morning I got up on a Saturday morning showered, got ready and announced that I was going out for the day - and I went - leaving a list of the day's arrangements (I was a SAHM then so most of it was organised).

I spent the whole day in central London, went to a gallery, had a bit of lunch on Piccadilly in the Richoux, looked round the shops, had a walk through Hyde Park, and a long long bus ride home. TBH it got a bit tedious in the end but I was determined to be out for the whole day.

He was a bit po faced when I got home and very very tired but didn't say a word at being left to it and unable to do exactly as he wanted.

I can't say it changed him greatly but it did make him a bit more appreciative of what I did when he was off doing as he wanted.

I don't feel guilty if I sit down when he is at work. If he worked.from home doing something I could realistically be helping with to get it done quicker and easier then yes, I would feel guilty.

Plenty of time in most jobs to sit around and have a relax and a cuppa.
You have to take 1/2 hour lunch by law.
And TBH most of my (pretty good) jobs have involved a vast amount of nattering, long lunches, early leaving to go to the shops and all the rest of it. I have never had a job where I had to work flat out from start til finish - and although I know some people do, I find it strange that the view of working outside the home is that it is so hard on here. Plus this stuff "hard at work in a manual job? Or negotiating a stressful cut and thrust deal in the office? Or addressing a few hundred people at a conference? " - loads of people really enjoy their jobs or at least derive some satisfaction from them. More than they would doing the endless cleaning, mopping, drudging and clinging that a lot of childcare at home involves.

I don't understand why it is so often the case on MN that WOH is seen as something terribly hard and stressful and difficult and being at home with children a walk in the park in comparison. It depends on personalities, on jobs, on the children involved. You can't say categorically that one is easier than the other.

Well done marriedandwreathedinholly, I think sometimes some men need a wake up call like that. I know so many men that think that they can just do what they like whenever they clock off from their paid work. Whilst the woman in the relationship is expected to just pick up the slack and provide round the clock childcare.

One woman I know has a husband that goes shooting, night and day, after work and at weekends. She barely sees him and he does nothing for their children. I couldn't be in that sort of relationship

And well said, Sardinequeen!

No one said working is awful! Just that there are often aspects of it which are stressful and challenging - particularly with roles which involves responsibility. And low status menial jobs are stressful in other ways.

Having said that, some women choose to be SAHM and even remain as SAHM or work only part time even after their children are in school.. So we can assume there must be some aspects which are enjoyable to that too.

Choices to be at home with the children or only work part-time aren't made in a vacuum, they are made in the context of a whole load of society expectations, ideas about what might be better for children, financial considerations and all the rest of it.

The fact that a woman who works term-time only is seen as having it easy and her DH should get a break is just strange to me. So her job is - all childcare before and after school and in holidays, plus all housework feeding arrangements, plus paid employment for all the time the children aren't at school. His job is going to have at least one day off a week, probably two and possibly a commute on a train or bus where he can read the paper etc plus some lunchtime and even people in the hardest jobs have some downtime during their day.

So depending on how much of a PITA OP finds the house and childcare - and how hard her OHs job is - it might well be that she is working much harder. Yet as usual the old "oh teh poor blokes working make him dinner and stop squibbling" comes up.

*are at school that should say obv

When is OPs downtime?

If she's someone who gets a real kick out of housework and childcare then maybe she doesn't need any. But most people in her situation would like a break, I imagine.

*waits for op to come back and announce that her DH works 24 hours a day 7 days a week as a brain surgeon / pilot / radioactive contamination operative combo

Op says she has it easier sardine. Im assuming that she knows her own context better than we do

I always do everything as carer/SAHM. DH owes his own business but work can be inconsistent.

It really hacked me off that when my DS was in hospital for a week (I was with DS) he had left the place in a right state - he had a quiet week on the work front - but chores aren't 'his' job apparently. Sometimes he can be a real arse.

Yes and she is also pissed off that he isn't lifting a finger, callmemrs, and yet you have decided that he is the "major breadwinner" and therefore deserves more of a break than she does. You have no idea of the specifics but clearly think that the person who earns the money in a relationship is basically more important than the other. He may not even earn much more than her - you have no idea.

When I post I temper it with the fact that people are different, jobs are different, children are different and there are many ways that families run which are equitable and work for them. A swift "oh he earns the money let him do what he likes" seems so depressingly old-fashioned and simplistic.

I agree with SardineQueen.

Think you're reading imaginary posts there sardine - no one has said 'he earns the money therefore he does nothing!'

"If you work part time and your kids are at school while he is the full time main earner then yes, you do have it easier and tbh he is probably more in need of a break."

by callmemrs upthread

Quite frankly I find the 1950s attitudes of some on these types of threads quite depressing and worrying. Are some women really so submissive towards their men that they let their men do nothing at all in the home because they "earn money"? Seriously?

It's not a good role model for children if they see their mum letting their dad do as he pleases whilst mum makes herself frazzled doing everything in the home. I want my DDs to grow up feeling equal to men and I want my DS to grow up knowing he has to pull his weight in the house and that women aren't there to be skivvys.

I remember seeing a thread on here recently about a husband spending loads on himself whilst the wife and children were in cheap clothes and someone said "If he wants to dress himself well and have the rest of you in cheap clothes that's his decision to make". I cannot believe that people actually still think like that in the 21st century, I really can't!

Yes- addressed to the op who had already said in op that she has it easier!

These sorts of threads make me livid! I am a SAHM with 3 DC who as of September are all in school. I am still 'choosing' to be a SAHM because in reality I am enabling my DH to carry on his career which is stressful, high powered and high flying and which he would NEVER give up because he thrives on it.... He has complete freedom in his life to do whatever he wants without any consideration to his family. I can have any of my 'free time' plans turned on their head in a moment by illl children or surprise school requests etc. Going out in the evenings is impossible for me without scrupulous planning. I do 100 % of the household and domestic chores (including all admin of which is unbelievable amounts!).
I could 'choose' to go back to work full time and DH would then have to step up to the plate at home. So when he is off work I do not feel it inappropriate for him to do some of the chores! Which could also class as down time for him as it is different to his stressful job!
OP took her kids away for the day so her DH could go to a football match! It is bloody unreasonable for him not to then empty the dishwasher if he had enough time to eat and make washing up!

No 1950s set up here. We both earn and both cook, shop, clean etc . I do slightly more of the latter because dh does slightly more time on the former!
1950s set up where daddy earns and mummy stays home is emphatically not what many couples choose these days in 2011

I work term-time only and revert to being a SAHM on my holidays. That means that I do everything when DH is working. When he is off, he does his fair share.

I have found, after 25 years of marriage, that I cannot force DH to do things my way.

Smallstuff, our situation is exactly the same as yours; we made a decision that I would give up work to enable DH to pursue his career, which involves working quite long hours and lots of international travel, often at a moment's notice. And like you say about your DH, my DH has total freedom in his life. He can come home late if a client wants to take him out for dinner. He stays in lovely hotels when he's working away and can just go back to the hotel after work, watch TV, eat a nice meal and relax.

Therefore when he's home I expect him to pull his weight, like you say it's a different type of chores for them, and even though they work long hours in a pressured job, it doesn't exempt them from being part of the family and family chores when they are home.

Glad i am not alone hexagonal!
Not emptying a dishwasher when being given a day off from family duties so you can do something you love (assuming a football season ticket demonstrates a passion for the game) strikes me as very disrespectful!
I am currently at home in bed after being I hospital with pneumonia. My DH has had to stay off work for the next three days as I am banned from doing anything on doctors orders.
So far he has not found it easier then being at work!