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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ^not^ feel comfortable giving my 14 year old DC alcohol - even at Christmas?

87 replies

MistletoeAndFlump · 27/12/2011 23:56

Because my (usually very conventional) family seem to think I am - my extended family, that is.

DH and I are not big drinkers. We do drink occasionally, and have given our DC a taste of different drinks when he's been curious about it. For example, he had a glass of champagne with us at Christmas dinner.

However his GPs, aunts and uncles seem to think that because it's Christmas and he's now taller than me (WTF does that have to do with it?), he should be drinking along with the rest of us/them. Today we were at my in-laws along with his uncles and an aunt. Everybody had a few drinks throughout the day (probably about four or five each, apart from me, as I was driving). Each time a 'round' was made in the kitchen, somebody would ask DC if he would like one. The first time DH and I both said no he's only 14. They then all made a huge deal about us being 'overprotective' and 'not letting him grow up'. In the midst of it all he just looked embarrassed. MIL went on to say that I'm lucky he's 'not out on the piss with his mates at his age' (which probably embarrassed him even more). He then asked DH and I if he could have a shandy - so we made him a weak one, whilst being heckled by various family members.

This continued with the next three or four rounds of beers, which we said he couldn't have. He was fine about it but they wouldn't drop it. And because it is Christmas I bit my tongue, even though I was seething underneath. DH did get pissed off with them and said something at which point they stopped and then just got frosty with us - so we then decided to call it a night.

So (apologies for length, btw) - are we being unreasonable? They've made me wonder if there is something wrong with us now.

OP posts:
YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 27/12/2011 23:58

YANBU. My parents let us have small amounts of alcohol at this age but I don't think that means it's right for all. Also, at the end of the day, it's not like you're not letting him have chocolate or Christmas pudding or something. I think there are plenty of people who would feel the same way.

Your poor DS, having to put with Granny sneering and trying to get him drunk. He sounds lovely being so restrained and normal about it :)

Sillyoldelf · 27/12/2011 23:59

It is legal and I think you are maybe overprotective . We allow it, but it is personal choice .

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 23:59

YABU

But then they're not really BU either...apart from the fact they should have taken no for an answer.

You gave him champagne at 14 and they wanted to give him a beer.

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2011 00:00

Sorry I meant YANBU but then...etc

Haziedoll · 28/12/2011 00:03

Yanbu. I was given alcohol from the age of 3 at Christmas. It gave me a taste for it!

Difficult to get it right. Dh wasn't allowed alcohol as his family think it is the devils urine but he still developed a taste for it.

I don't know what the right answer is I will probably make our boys wait until they are legal or almost legal.

serin · 28/12/2011 00:03

YANBU and they sound like a bunch of idiots.

hellhasnofury · 28/12/2011 00:04

YANBU. My children (now 19 and 21) were allowed small amounts of alcohol with meals at that age but, tbh neither were particularly bothered by it. They weren't included in the rounds at family parties either though some members of DH's family thought we were depriving them somehow. They do drink now but not to any excess.

Original poster
MistletoeAndFlump · 28/12/2011 00:06

Worra we gave him a small glass of champagne with a meal, because it was a special occasion. They were handing out (pint) cans of lager and wanted to give him one to himself. Cue the sneering when we just gave him part of one in a shandy....

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 00:06

I would have allowed it, rather than make alcohol some tantalising prize that cannot be permitted.

It isnt illegal.

It is better to occasionally let a teen drink with sensible adults, rather than go daft with their peers.

Height does play a factor too, as the taller he is, the less likely he is going to be affected by a couple of drinks.

pickgo · 28/12/2011 00:06

Alcohol is bad for growing livers especially... but it's good to let children try a very little so it's not too much a mysterious and attractive prospect the minute they get some independence and go on binges.

But the real issue here is the respect your family are failing to show to you, particularly as parents. Nothing more galling than undermining you as parents in front of your children.

Original poster
MistletoeAndFlump · 28/12/2011 00:08

Pickgo that's it exactly. I feel most wound up by the fact that they were all trying to undermine us. DS is a lovely boy - yes a typical teen in lots of ways but is very trustworthy and I'm proud of that. They seemed to be goading him into going against us.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 28/12/2011 00:10

I think it sounds more like they were taking the piss a bit because you were treating him as if he was 10 rather than 14.

ageperfect · 28/12/2011 00:11

It's personal choice of you as a parent. In my books,14 is too young and there is no need for it. What his height or anything else has got to do with a drink????And for them to make him feel at unease it's as well not needed.
My goodness,no wander kids are the way they are these days..He does not need a drink to be grown up or big or any silly comments like that are very empty and uneducated...no offence to anyone.
You should be very proud that he IS NOT drinking or getting drunk, not lucky but PROUD that your young boy knows it's unnecessary. We adults ,can't control ourselves sometimes when it comes to a drinking ,so making kid to drink ,even for a festive season or any kind of celebration it's not necessary. But again,no offence to anyone,just my opinion.....

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2011 00:12

Didn't he speak up?

I mean if he didn't want one, did he not tell them?

Or would he have had a can of beer (not a full pint) if you would have let him?

Original poster
MistletoeAndFlump · 28/12/2011 00:12

Squeaky so you do think a 14 year old should be drinking cans of lager?

To me the legality doesn't come into it - all I care about is the health issues. Thousands more people die through alcohol every year than through any 'illegal' drug.

OP posts:
pickgo · 28/12/2011 00:13

A quiet word perhaps, when they are sober?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2011 00:13

I don't think it matters one way or another (but for the record I think your approach to it is just fine for a 14 yo), but they should have respected it when you first said 'No, he's 14 and not allowed', he's your child, it's your decision. All they did was make you angry and make him feel uncomfortable - poor kid, it's a horrible age to be made the centre of attention in that way :(

Words. Would. Be. Had.

LordOfTheFlies · 28/12/2011 00:13

Someone is bound to say that in France children have wine and water with meals and they don't have the same teenage drinking/binge drinking culture.

I was 8yo and went to Bulgaria (sister was 11 yo) and we were given wine at a wine tasting. The look of it was much nicer than the taste.

I did drink in nightclubs at 16/17 yo but have never been drunk. TBH I don't drink now ,nearly 2 years since I had some Baileys .

My DS is 12 and I will probably let him have beer at home, mainly so that he doesn't feel pressured by mates. It is very difficult even as an adult to say 'no'.
I have very low alcohol tolerence but MIL was trying to give me brandy the night before I was driving her son and her GC home. Yes I know it would have been gone by morning but she was a bit Hmm when I refused.

Your child, Your rules I always think.

Original poster
MistletoeAndFlump · 28/12/2011 00:15

Worra my in-laws can be quite loud and pushy. He gets embarrassed around them sometimes (as do I). We don't usually spend that much time with them TBH. So no, he didn't speak up, he just kind of mumbled to them that it was ok and he didn't really want one. He wouldn't have said any more than that - they are quite 'loud' - we're not.

OP posts:
hatesponge · 28/12/2011 00:15

YANBU - my DS is 13 and returned from the ex-inlaws on Xmas Day having had 2 bottles of WKD Hmm DS thought this was ok because his cousin (same age) had 3 plus 2 glasses of champagne Shock

I was not impressed however thankfully it is only once a year (they only ever have alcohol at home over Xmas) and DS is very sensible generally re alcohol, I suspect he only had it as the cousins were egging him on. I know if I had been there & said no I would have been undermined in a similar way to the OP.

LordOfTheFlies · 28/12/2011 00:16

I won't let DS have beer at 12yo BTW. Gawd!

Original poster
MistletoeAndFlump · 28/12/2011 00:16

We've had words before about lots of things. It never gets resolved and just turns into months of sulks. You may be picking up that we're not very close to that bit of the family Xmas Sad

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/12/2011 00:17

That's fair enough OP

I think they were very wrong to make a fuss and undermine you, even if you have given him alcohol yourself.

Maybe you need to be firmer with them on it next time.

For the record, I would have allowed him a can of beer if he'd wanted one...but not if the family were trying to undermine me or force the situation.

Then they could fuck right off.

WilsonFrickett · 28/12/2011 00:17

YANBU. but I also think the response to 'he'll be out drinking with his mates' is 'I am not his mate'. I think you have to accept that teenagers will be experimenting behind your back, that doesn't mean you have to condone it in front of your face.

Original poster
MistletoeAndFlump · 28/12/2011 00:19

I would love to tell them to 'fuck right off' Xmas Smile

OP posts: