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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ^not^ feel comfortable giving my 14 year old DC alcohol - even at Christmas?

87 replies

MistletoeAndFlump · 27/12/2011 23:56

Because my (usually very conventional) family seem to think I am - my extended family, that is.

DH and I are not big drinkers. We do drink occasionally, and have given our DC a taste of different drinks when he's been curious about it. For example, he had a glass of champagne with us at Christmas dinner.

However his GPs, aunts and uncles seem to think that because it's Christmas and he's now taller than me (WTF does that have to do with it?), he should be drinking along with the rest of us/them. Today we were at my in-laws along with his uncles and an aunt. Everybody had a few drinks throughout the day (probably about four or five each, apart from me, as I was driving). Each time a 'round' was made in the kitchen, somebody would ask DC if he would like one. The first time DH and I both said no he's only 14. They then all made a huge deal about us being 'overprotective' and 'not letting him grow up'. In the midst of it all he just looked embarrassed. MIL went on to say that I'm lucky he's 'not out on the piss with his mates at his age' (which probably embarrassed him even more). He then asked DH and I if he could have a shandy - so we made him a weak one, whilst being heckled by various family members.

This continued with the next three or four rounds of beers, which we said he couldn't have. He was fine about it but they wouldn't drop it. And because it is Christmas I bit my tongue, even though I was seething underneath. DH did get pissed off with them and said something at which point they stopped and then just got frosty with us - so we then decided to call it a night.

So (apologies for length, btw) - are we being unreasonable? They've made me wonder if there is something wrong with us now.

OP posts:

lljkk · 28/12/2011 10:30

yanbu, sorry your family are such prats about it. I don't understand anyone who needs to drink so much themselves anyway, never mind encouraging an under 18 to.

spiderpig8 · 28/12/2011 10:32

I thought it was legal to give alcohol to children once they were 5 in a private house
However I don't give any of my DC 16 to 6 any alcohol.they don't want it and i can't see why they need it.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 28/12/2011 10:37

My poor DS1 isnt allowed anything to drink in the house. I wont give him alchohol at all.

He is 18 next week

I am a big ol meany.

Ephiny · 28/12/2011 10:39

I don't see the harm in a small amount of alcohol, e.g. a small glass of wine with Christmas dinner, or a shandy as you gave him.

'Three or four rounds of beers' sounds like far too much for a young teenager though - it would be too much for me and I'm 30! Very odd of them to keep insisting and nagging when you've said you don't want him to have any more, and he's fine with not having it.

Some people seem to have this attitude that it's compulsory to drink vast amounts of alcohol on any special occasion, and that anyone who prefers not to is being 'boring'. It's very annoying.

FairstiveGreetings · 28/12/2011 11:04

Alcohol is an acquired taste for most people. Very few actually like the taste of wine or beer when they first drink it. This is why alcopops sell so well.

The main reason teenagers drink is because they see adults drinking on almost every social occasion, so they think it's 'normal' and just what you do when you grow up. And as so many teenagers are in a hurry to grow up, they adopt adult habits as soon as they can.

It's a shame that our culture gives this impression to our young and that so many think they need alcohol to 'enjoy' themselves. My dd's friend is having her 15th birthday party next month, it's a sleepover and she has asked her parents to get her pizza and vodka. My dd has said she's not going to go because they will all be drinking.

oiwheresthecoffee · 28/12/2011 11:54

Im very liberal and my parents were not. I think you are totally right and your relatives were being idiots by practically forcing it on him ! Hes had some with the meal , no need to keep plying him with it when he clearly didnt want to. Quite nice that he just asked for a shandy really :)

bruffin · 28/12/2011 11:58

"If you had let him have the can of undiluted lager/beer he probably wouldn't have liked the taste and probably wouldn't have finished it. Much more sensible than turning it into the near equivalent of alco pops by adding sweet lemondade"

How can you equate a heavily diluted beer with and alcopop?

valiumredhead · 28/12/2011 11:59

I agree with squeakytoy

StealthPolarBear · 28/12/2011 12:02

I find the post about teaching him to cave to the pressure for the sake of keeping everyone quiet quite shocking.

OhdearNigel · 28/12/2011 12:17

I thought this was going to be a "I won't let DC a single drop, it's disgraceful" type post in which case I would have said YABU. However to expect a 14 year old to keep drinking in adult quantities is irresponsible, dangerous for his health and encouraging binge drinking.
YANBU

Original poster

MistletoeAndFlump · 28/12/2011 13:19

Okay so I've just come back after chewing this over all morning (and doing a bit of research to back myself up).

I printed off this article www.guardian.co.uk/society/2009/dec/17/donaldson-alcohol-guidance-children and asked DC to read it. After that we had a talk about it (he said he was happy not drinking yet, but was interested enough to read some reasons why we made that decision). I basically said I wanted to talk to him about it before we get together with certain family members again, because if they try to pressure him again we wont worry about causing an argument at Christmas (because it won't be). He said he feels happier about saying no to them if he knows we're going to be a bit more vocal about standing our ground on his behalf.

Thanks for all the replies

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 28/12/2011 13:21

Excellent OP :o

And scarily, it sounds as though if you didn't fight his ground, he'd have caved. Understandable at 14, but a stark illustration of how bad what your relatives were doing actually was.

rhondajean · 28/12/2011 15:11

I think one shandy was a responsible middle road and I would have been happy doing that. Your family dont seem to have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Or with you. You are doing great talking to him and finding a solution that suits you and him, which is what matters.

exoticfruits · 28/12/2011 16:05

My poor DS1 isnt allowed anything to drink in the house. I wont give him alchohol at all.

He is 18 next week

I think that is equally silly. My DS didn't drink alcohol, he simply didn't like it. I tried to get him to drink some at home because I didn't want him going off to University, in a big city, and trying it for the first time. However he wouldn't have any. He did drink some at university and will have some now with us, but never much.

Wouldn't it have been more sensible to have gone with the flow and whispered quietly in your son's ear "to go along with them for one" pretend to drink if he didn't like it and not to accept another. Two life lessons and more importantly teaching him to "play the game". To do what he wants but make it seem he is doing what everyone else wants.

That must rank as some of the maddest advice I have read! The 2 lessons I would want any DC of mine to have are 'you do not have to play the game' and you do not have to seem to be doing what everyone else is doing.
I have made mistakes as a parent but I am proudest of the fact that mine don't feel they have to go with the crowd.

I don't agree with alcopops and sweetening drinks but I think that a weak shandy is very different.

Since OP seems to have a family with a problematic relationship with alcohol I can't see anything wrong in making a stand against them.

higgle · 28/12/2011 16:11

I think 14 is fine for the odd glass of wine with a meal on special ocasions. 14 is a bit young to be keeping up with social adult drinkers for a whole day. My sons didn't actually like the taste of alcohol very much until they were about 16 or so. I think the tastebuds do alter in the late teens as DS1 now likes quite a few foods + tea and coffee when at 14 he culdn't stand them.

GnomeDePlume · 28/12/2011 16:12

Mistletoe YANBU at all.

I think letting your DS enjoy a glass of champagne as part of a celebratory meal was reasonable. I think giving your DS a shandy was also perfectly reasonable.

Your relatives were totally unreasonable (and TBH you should have stood up to them). It is not necessary to drink to be an adult.

Not all teenagers want to drink. For some weird reason (DH and I are far from teetotal) DD1 (16) has zero taste for alcohol. She has had opportunities to have drinks but just doesnt like the taste of alcohol. In no way will DH & I be encouraging her to acquire this taste.

LynetteScavo · 28/12/2011 16:14

YANBU.

I won't even go why I think this as I would go on for pages.

I'm just happy to read you and your DH are in agreement. the rest of the family sound like twats. And I've had almost a bottle of red wine as I type.

TheRocks · 28/12/2011 16:16

I give my 10 year old Lambrusco at Christmas. He had two glasses of it in fact.

I think it's sensible to encourage sensible drinking and I don't want the kids to think alcohol is the forbidden fruit, then again nor do I want them to think it's normal to down a bottle of whiskey every night either.

I offered my 12 year old wine at Christmas but he won't touch alcohol, never has and says he never will. We'll see!

LynetteScavo · 28/12/2011 16:25

It's such a fine line.

FIL gave my DC alcohol free wine last Christmas, which was in fact 0.4%. At 5 & 7 yo they were well chuffed, and told my DM. She was horrified and went into a lecture to them about their liver. Which I had to butt into as I partly blame her for my mid-afternoon wine drinking.

DH on the other hand hardly ever touches a drop.

But I still think the OP sounds much more sensible than her relatives.

homealone1 · 28/12/2011 16:28

I give my 10 year old Lambrusco at Christmas. He had two glasses of it in fact.

Why stop at that? Why didn't you introduce him to the joys of cannabis to help him chill out in a controlled parental home?

I'm shocked that a 10 year old CHILD is given ANY alcohol. I agree that making it completely banned until 18 is not especially useful but TEN?? Come on? Why not go further and offer it to a 5 year old? My DD is always asking and she is 3!

As for the ridiculous comment about going along with it to please everyone....what utter drivel!

More lives are lost through alcohol - a legal DRUG, than any other drug. I think people forget that we are talking about drugs because it's sopcially acceptable.

Rezolution · 28/12/2011 16:30

I would just love to hear your son's versions of this story.
Like all teenagers, he will have his own viewpoint on this issue.

Original poster

MistletoeAndFlump · 28/12/2011 19:08

Rezolution well yes I imagine that's true - but that doesn't change the fact that I'm proud of his ability to look at two sides of an argument and agree to come up with a reasonable solution - rather than stropping off in a big Kevin sulk

OP posts:

Moominsarescary · 28/12/2011 19:14

He needs to practice saying no though, if he finds it hard saying no to family I'd imagen he will find it hard saying no when his friends are offering

pigletmania · 28/12/2011 19:22

I was going to say that YABU, a glass of sherry or half a larger is fine, I used to have this at his age for special occasions, but to encourage him to drink like an adult would is a bit , and totally agree with you.

TheRocks · 28/12/2011 19:24

I didn't have an cannabis on me at the time HomeAlone.

On a more serious note, in other European countries it is quite normal for younger children to have a sip of wine with a meal.

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