to ^not^ feel comfortable giving my 14 year old DC alcohol - even at Christmas?

[MistletoeAndFlump]

Because my (usually very conventional) family seem to think I am - my extended family, that is.

DH and I are not big drinkers. We do drink occasionally, and have given our DC a taste of different drinks when he's been curious about it. For example, he had a glass of champagne with us at Christmas dinner.

However his GPs, aunts and uncles seem to think that because it's Christmas and he's now taller than me (WTF does that have to do with it?), he should be drinking along with the rest of us/them. Today we were at my in-laws along with his uncles and an aunt. Everybody had a few drinks throughout the day (probably about four or five each, apart from me, as I was driving). Each time a 'round' was made in the kitchen, somebody would ask DC if he would like one. The first time DH and I both said no he's only 14. They then all made a huge deal about us being 'overprotective' and 'not letting him grow up'. In the midst of it all he just looked embarrassed. MIL went on to say that I'm lucky he's 'not out on the piss with his mates at his age' (which probably embarrassed him even more). He then asked DH and I if he could have a shandy - so we made him a weak one, whilst being heckled by various family members.

This continued with the next three or four rounds of beers, which we said he couldn't have. He was fine about it but they wouldn't drop it. And because it is Christmas I bit my tongue, even though I was seething underneath. DH did get pissed off with them and said something at which point they stopped and then just got frosty with us - so we then decided to call it a night.

So (apologies for length, btw) - are we being unreasonable? They've made me wonder if there is something wrong with us now.

It's personal choice i think, my eldest has been able to drink on special occasions since he was 14, if he took it too far he would have been told no more, but at 17 now he hasnt. he had to pear ciders on boxing day. Noone told him he couldnt have more, he chose for him self.

He has been able to get served in some pubs from the age of 15 but has never been drunk. Obviously that doesn't mean that all teenagers won't take it too far but he hasn't, as yet

I have to add that as much as some parents swear their kids don't get drunk because they have or they haven't been allowed a drink at home...

I live on the corner of a cul-de-sac with two 2 story blocks of flats and for years, I've witnessed seemingly 'sensible non drinking' teens (according to their parents) getting pissed out of their heads and doing all sorts of things before managing somehow to sober up and go home all innocent.

I literally took one mother there to prove her 15yr old daughter was pissed out of her head every Friday night when she thought she was at a friend's house.

So letting them drink early or not letting them drink early doesn't always make a tack of difference in my experience.

Yanbu. A taste or one drink is one thing but at that age several rounds of drink is quite another.

Are you going to chat with him about it?

Also experimenting with friends while afraid of getting caught and covering beer breath with mints and throwing up in park is possibly a rite of passage but doing so sanctioned by parents is completely different.

I really hate that our culture is so entrenched in the idea that drinking alcohol is an inevitable part of being an adult. I quite like a drink on occasion, but then again I'm also quite happy not to drink even if it is Christmas/someone's birthday/whatever. My MIL gave my almost 14yo a glass of wine with dinner even though I'd said no (reasons being; he wouldn't like it so it was alcohol for the sake of alcohol, he'd actually said no and it's up to me not her to make decisions like that) She had the temerity to say 'he's almost an adult' and I should 'let him grow up'. TBH that just wanted me want to tell her to bugger off and mind her own business even more (I didn't, I'm a good biting my tongue DIL) I've never yet met anyone who has suddenly become more mature and adult by liberal amounts of alcohol, it usually has the opposite effect...

YANBU to be hacked off - you're his parents and how you decided to parent him is up to you and not various drunken relatives.

The problem hasn't got anything to do with letting a 14 year old drink. The problem is with the family members who would have found some other stick to beat you with. Don't let your son be used as a weapon by these people. If they are your husband's family, he should have been firm and assertive right from the off.

YANBU I had this crap when DS was 12 and it was the same any time we went on holiday and there were the great British drinkers aboard. Some seem affronted by 'no', I got the same comments about 'making a man of him' DS was just embarrassed. I can't imagine this happening with a girl, 'come on, have a few glasses of wine, lets make a woman of you'

FWIW DS has just asked for his first Christmas beers at 17. Fine, it was his choice.

YANBU

It is up to parents to decide whether or not their children can have alcohol. My 14 year old dd has been offered wine by a waiter in a restaurant. He asked her and she answered no thanks. I am glad she said no. I would not want her drinking wine but I wanted her to have the opportunity to speak for herself.

I think your ds and you both gave in to 'peer' pressure. As the parent you need to be able to stand firm on the child's behalf if they can't stand up for themselves. You need to be the role model and demonstrate how to say no.

You could discuss what happened with your ds and arrange a plan if it happens again. For example, he could accept the drink and tip it away when no-one's looking. What would he do if friends offered him vodka. He needs to know how to handle these situations. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him saying, no thanks I don't drink. Or just 'No thankyou', repeat as necessary. It's a good opportunity to talk to him about how to deal with peer pressure.

As for the relatives, once they know they can't boss you around, they will stop trying.

You bowed to peer pressure!
He is your son and you should not let anyone, not anyone at all bulldoze you into decisions you are not comfortable with.
Sounds like they are a bunch of low class lushes. They are out of line challenging your way of raising your son. I would be so angry at their interference and comments I would gather my flock and flock right out of there!
This has made me angry. It is so wrong to encourage our young people to indulge in alcohol.

YANBU to stop your child drinking at the age of 14, but WTF were you thinking in letting him have champagne? This makes you a hypocrite unfortunately.

The human brain does not fully mature in (most) people until approximately the age of 21+.

The size of the person may indicate how their body will metabolize alcohol, but will not indicate how their brain will react to alcohol.

IMO all alcohol is OFF the table until they can legally buy their own.

Let them have months of sulks, that is their stupid choice! Seriously, if you can't stand up for your kids, who can you stand up for? Be strong!

I reckon it's okay to drink beer at 14. What is not OK is pressurising people to drink - it's very, very bad manners and irresponsible. Making a fuss about it's even worse. If I were you, I'd try and get this across to DS - booze seems to "mean something" to his dad's family, to the extent that they try and force it on others. End of story ... it won't have killed him or turned him into an alcoholic

Your in-laws, however, sound a bit problematic with the drinking. If they're going to sulk, let 'em.

YANBU.

One small glass maybe, but not more than that. I would be pissed if my relatives were pushing alcohol on my underage child, after I told them no. and not a while beer either, I would have given him shandy too.

YANBU and of course you are not a hypocrite as some people who don't seem to have read the thread have said. There is a HUGE difference to giving a 14 year old one glass of champagne on Christmas Day and giving him numerous beers getting him drunk! You gave him a taste of alcohol, sensibly not making it a taboo area, your in-laws were trying to get him to match them drink for drink, and they don't seem to be light drinkers.

It's a good thing your son is sensible.

YANBU. There is a world of difference between trying things, or a weak shandy, and drinking like the adults. Probably he will take after you.

"YANBU to stop your child drinking at the age of 14, but WTF were you thinking in letting him have champagne? This makes you a hypocrite unfortunately."

Why? OPs didn't want ds to have the beer or two on top of the champagne. At that age we were starting to let ds have a weak shandy or wine with a meal, but wouldn't have wanted him to have pints on top of that.

Champagne with a meal is sensible drinking, we let dcs 16 and 14 have a glass at christmas lunch, as it was DD chose to have a glitterberry J20 instead.

YANBU. You are the parent, therefore you get to decide the rules. I'd be really annoyed if my 14yo was goaded into having a drink if she didn't seem interested, as if it's somehow the be all and end all of enjoyment.

FWIW, I think there's nothing wrong at all with teenagers having a couple of weak drinks on some occasions. When my nephew was 14, he came to a New Year party at ours and, with consent from my Dsis, I offered him a shandy. He was keen to have one, and thoroughly enjoyed it - ended up having three in fact. No biggie. My Dd is nearly 14, but isn't interested at all in having a drink. She's tried a couple of sips of wine, beer, etc - but hates the taste. That's also fine. I'd be furious if any family members tried to cajole her into drinking. Plenty of years ahead to enjoy a drink if that's what she chooses for herself.

What a load of rubbish! I think you were completely right - letting him have some and then stopping.
"pickgo Wed 28-Dec-11 00:06:31
Alcohol is bad for growing livers especially... but it's good to let children try a very little"
which is what the OP did!

I hope you told your son how proud you are of him for not joining in with your relatives' drunken stupidness.

YANBU - he had already had some champagne with you on Christmas day' so you haven't "banned" alcohol,and it is up to you when and if he gets any.

I would be having very serious words in the ear of said family members.

Well done for standing your ground though!

Hmmm. I'm always in the "no way" camp BUT I don't know whether this is a good idea or not. My friends then 14yo son got completely platered on white lightening up the park with his mates. So she made the garage over to a "safe place" where he could have friends round and drink. It wasn't an every night thing. They had to club together to get a crate of beer (which isn't expensive these days in supermarkets) and could sit in safely having a drink. Lets face it 12-16 bottles in a crate does not go very far with 6-8 teenage boys.

That cures the problem as far as she was concerned. He wasn't in danger, he wasn't drunk, he was drinking responsibly but it wasn't illicit. Therefore if you remove the secret/naughty element it no longer has a lure does it? I have no idea what the other parents thought about it.

Alcohol is bad for growing livers especially has anyone told the French this? or the Latin America? because they drink wine with every meal, and it is watered down for children. Amazingly they don't have an anti-social drink problem come Friday/Saturday night when the pubs chuck out.

Alcohol is the least of amny parents worries these days. Until I worked in a school, I never realised the extent of the dope smoking problem amongst teenagers. Y11 reeks of the stuff.

Up to you and him really but tbh alcohol is unlikely to be something he can avoid for ever if does drink some iyswim ( and you allowed him champagne just not beer). We've been to some pretty boozy but not drunken Xmas family dos this year. The kids are 18/15/12 and the 18yr old has drunk fairly freely without adverse effect ( she's at uni so has no doubt being " practicing"). It is kind of reassuring to see her drinking but having soft drinks and water too without being told, and at no point being and more than giggly - as she's like that anyway!
Ds has been allowed to have what he wants to drink too and again behaved fine.
The 12 yr old had a weak bucks fizz then stuck to juice. Her choice.though I would have kept an eye lol

I kind of think that it's legal, they will drink in the future to excess at times probably ( though dd1 seems o be her mothers daughter- drinks but never drunk!) and to get a feel for how it affects you in an ultra safe context is ok.

Totally not unreasonable. I had this as a teen when I was younger - I was allowed alcohol in moderation at Christmas only (maybe a weak snowball). We went to visit some extended family on Boxing day who were pushing me to have some whisky. I accepted as it was really being pushed despite my requests for a soft drink. I asked for a small one with lemonade (lemonade on it's own wasn't acceptable apparently). I was served a tumbler full of neat whisky. I felt really awkward as it seemed so rude not to drink it but it made me feel ill. I think I hid the glass after a while.

It's good that you allow your son a taste, but encouraging them to drink to excess for the sake of it would be stupid and your family should respect your decision on this.

If you had let him have the can of undiluted lager/beer he probably wouldn't have liked the taste and probably wouldn't have finished it. Much more sensible than turning it into the near equivalent of alco pops by adding sweet lemondade.

Wouldn't it have been more sensible to have gone with the flow and whispered quietly in your son's ear "to go along with them for one" pretend to drink if he didn't like it and not to accept another. Two life lessons and more importantly teaching him to "play the game". To do what he wants but make it seem he is doing what everyone else wants.

Marriedand - I don't understand why it would be a valuable life lesson to encourage a teenager to go along with peer pressure and to "play the game". And why is it a good thing even to pretend to be doing what others want him to do?
Surely it's far wiser to raise him to have the courage of his own convictions to be able to say "No thanks" if he doesn't want a drink.