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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told my sister what she is involved in will end in someone's heartache and pain?

84 replies

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 27/12/2011 23:33

My Dsis is getting divorced soon, having separated from her H some months ago. She is now involved with a married man and this has been going on for some time. She says that he will not be leaving his wife and she does not want him to in any event. However, it seems that she is starting to have very strong feelings for him.

What blows my mind is that he phoned my Dsis and asked her over to his on the night his wife was kept in hospital after having had a C Section. So this fucker's child is a day old, his wife is in hospital recovering from major surgery and he is shagging another woman.

Dsis reckons he is such a lovely man, makes her feel so wonderful, is so kind and romantic and sexy and blahblahblahblahfuckingblah.

So, AIBU in telling her that NOTHING good can come of this? She is now feeling very down and sorry for herself - but that is guilt, isn't it? This is a bad situation with no redeeming features.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 23:36

They sound as selfish as each other to be honest

Just because her relationship has failed, she shouldn't want any part in helping another one go down the pan...especially one with a baby on the way.

Some people are all 'me' 'me' 'me' though and can't be told I'm afraid.

Beamur · 27/12/2011 23:37

I'm inclined to agree with you...
He can't be that lovely.

ladyfirenze · 27/12/2011 23:37

yep, you're right. Try not to let this becoming a battle ground. Youve stated your case., and you don't have to listen to her yap shit when it goes bad. Which it will unfortunately Sad

reelingintheyears · 27/12/2011 23:38

They both sound delightful.

ladyfirenze · 27/12/2011 23:39

scuse typos - it's late.... Grin

slowburner · 27/12/2011 23:40

YANBU. Did she go over? I have had some choice words for my own sis over the years, her taste in men is bad, very Very bad but I think even she would balk at that. That's just Shock

Haziedoll · 27/12/2011 23:41

I would tell her that she needs to find someone else to talk to as her selfishness makes you feel sick.

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 27/12/2011 23:45

I would tell her the same as Hazie but also that when it all goes tits up she can come to you. She is your sister, after all.

What she's doing is massively stupid and selfish but she is probably also in pain.

GingerSnapsBack · 27/12/2011 23:45

Yanbu at all. But I'm sure she knows that and is trying to justify her actions to herself as much as you. You've made your point so if she doesn't listen and she gets hurt that's her problem. You're only looking out for her afterall

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 27/12/2011 23:46

Yes!!!! She went!!! And it was fucking Christmas Eve.

I am appalled! but because of the relationship with her previous husband, and how controlling he was, we were not in close contact at all for some years. It is so good being in contact again so I won't let this stupidity of hers separate us again.

I just despair of her behaviour and all her ridiculous fucking justifications for why it is happening. It makes me very sad, but there is nothing I can do or say, is there? We live very far away from each other on different continents.

OP posts:
thefroggy · 28/12/2011 00:10

Yeah, my exp was kind and romantic too. I had a c section at 33 weeks, on a Thursday in a hospital an hour and a half drive from home. On the Friday, while our son was in scbu he visited us all dressed up, went home, went clubbing, took a girl back to my house and shagged her in my bed. But he was a nice bloke Hmm

Does your sis have shit in her eyes? Sad

PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 28/12/2011 00:18

Your sister sounds very vulnerable. Going through a divorce is a horrid time, she must feel so worthless and unwanted that any attention is craved for. This man sounds like a parasite to be honest. I know it takes 2 people to do this but if she's feeling so shit about herself then she's not in the right frame of mind to think this through clearly. Have you suggested counselling to her?

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 28/12/2011 00:18

Think I should link her to this page....................

Thefroggy, so sorry that happened to you.

OP posts:
cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 28/12/2011 00:20

Jesus the foggy, how bloody awful for you. OP your sister needs a bloody reality check. How can she think this is what a nice decent man does?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2011 00:20

Froggy :(

Alliwant - YANBU to have told her, I'd have told her in no uncertain terms what I thought of her disgusting behaviour until she totally 'got it', if this meant falling out then so be it, there's no way I could condone any of this... it is utterly disgusting. That poor woman is going to be coming home and getting into that bed with her newborn baby. Vile. (I know you know this.) I don't care how horrible her previous relationship was, nothing excuses this kind of crap.

PuggyMum · 28/12/2011 00:23

My DSis text me a few months back saying 'please text me at 8pm to remind me of your Body Shop Party'.....
She is married and I get on well with her H....I knew what she was asking of me.

Aside from the fact I had recently posted on facebook something about waiting for a train to get home from a long day at work and was looking forward to a bath then bed.... I ignored her text....

At 8pm she text saying 'Please do this for me. i would do it for you.'

So incensed was I, I text back saying I was not getting involved in this as WHEN the proverbial hits the fan, I wanted no part of it.... Then I turned my phone off.

H found out anyway and in the ensuing discussions he'd said 'bet all your family knew'.... She showed him my text which helped in the repairing of the relationship. He has (drunkenly) thanked me for this.

In the same situation with my friends / DSis I would never condone an affair. Predatory women are the scourge of the earth and The fact the fella would do this to any woman (let alone the one he married, forsaking all others blahblah) would make me run for the hills.
I would always be there for them to help wipe tears and wouldn't throw in 'I told you so' as I don't get off on that but I would make sure my conscience was clear as I don't think these things can ever end well.

Poor newborn baby x

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/12/2011 00:25

Not just someone else's pain, but her own. I have just found out that DB has been having an affair. His wife is pregnant. If he was to fail in saving his marriage, we are all on his wife's side. If he were to even try to bring his mistress into our family, she would find herself the subject of a lot of displaced anger.

PuggyMum · 28/12/2011 00:26

Sorry perhaps in this instance she is not predatory in the usual sense if she is feeling low. But she is single. He is married. She should still run for the hills!

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 28/12/2011 00:30

Peaceofcake, my sister is in counselling. Dsis says that she has told the counsello all about this relationship. When relaying some or other incident to the counsellor, she apparently laughed and told my Dsis that it was clear the this man was completely in love with her.

The counsellor and my Dsis are fucking facebook friends!!! Competely unprofessional in my opinion. i am a childminder and am friends with two of my parents and even then I feel that this is not quite right.

OP posts:
MeltedAdventCalendarChocolates · 28/12/2011 00:31

I told someone EXACTLY what she was doing. EXACTLY how the other woman would be devastated. EXACTLY how sick it was. EXACTLY how I had no respect for her. EXACTLY what this made both him and her.

How I want to grass on that cheating bastard (he's done it twice to his poor wife at least) but it would upset two families and I just can't. Besides, I would be the one shot wouldn't I? But boy did I get my say!!

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2011 00:31

I think many of the 'predatory' people out there are the ones who have just come out of a relationship and want a no strings shag...often 'no strings' means married.

thefroggy · 28/12/2011 00:38

Thanks guys I really appreciate your comments, i'm over it now, it was 14 years ago and there's little point dwelling..but if you want to link op I have no problem with that. Your sis probably doesn't realise the pain she could cause.

LineRunner · 28/12/2011 00:40

There are some very dodgy counsellors out there.

ladyfirenze · 28/12/2011 00:41

sorry but can I just say I think counselling is utter wank Blush

PuggyMum · 28/12/2011 00:44

A counsellor fb friends with a patient! Thats just asking for trouble. And as for deducing he must be in love with her..... I didn't think counsellors were there to make such deductions. After all they only hear one side and given the fact that person is in therapy might suggest their perceptions on things may be skewed.

What a mess!