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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told my sister what she is involved in will end in someone's heartache and pain?

84 replies

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 27/12/2011 23:33

My Dsis is getting divorced soon, having separated from her H some months ago. She is now involved with a married man and this has been going on for some time. She says that he will not be leaving his wife and she does not want him to in any event. However, it seems that she is starting to have very strong feelings for him.

What blows my mind is that he phoned my Dsis and asked her over to his on the night his wife was kept in hospital after having had a C Section. So this fucker's child is a day old, his wife is in hospital recovering from major surgery and he is shagging another woman.

Dsis reckons he is such a lovely man, makes her feel so wonderful, is so kind and romantic and sexy and blahblahblahblahfuckingblah.

So, AIBU in telling her that NOTHING good can come of this? She is now feeling very down and sorry for herself - but that is guilt, isn't it? This is a bad situation with no redeeming features.

OP posts:
raspberrytipple · 28/12/2011 17:42

Yanbu to tell her, counselling or not she is behaving like the lowest of the low, no that man is not her responsibility but jebus it's extremely low to behave in such a manner when she has full knowledge of his circumstances. Lover is clearly a low life of the lowest form and if she thinks he would be different for her she'll get a nasty shock and not a great deal of sympathy. You're her sister, be brutally honest with her. My DB told me he once cheated on his DP and mother of his child, he got a few strips torn off him. It's truly awful behaviour.

spiderpig8 · 28/12/2011 17:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

KarenMillenCoat · 28/12/2011 17:50

That's really awful, his poor wife. Having said that, your sister wants to do it, he wants to do it and there are no laws against it. She is so caught up in this and him she won't listen to reason and will probably just stop talking to you. I hate to say it but there is nothing you can say or do but be there for her if/when the proverbial hits the fan.

StealthPolarBear · 28/12/2011 17:50

That does happen doens't it? I thought 2 nights was more usua; but 1 night is not rare

StealthPolarBear · 28/12/2011 17:51

Anyway, where does it say she was only in for 1 night?

catsareevil · 28/12/2011 17:51

Its perfectly possible to only be in for 1 night after a CS.

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 28/12/2011 17:53

DN was only in for one night after a planned section, but we don't know if the wife came out xmas night or was in the night before anyway

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 28/12/2011 19:02

Spiderpig, i have no idea how long the wife was in for. And yes, this whole fucking story is so vile it may well be fabricated. The saddest thing of all is that it is not. I wish it was.

I was told the wife went into labour Thurs morning, she had the C section and delivered a girl Friday morning, and Dsis went to the fucker's house on Xmas Eve. So she was in for at least 3 nights from what I can work out. No idea if she is still in. I am in one part of the world and it would take 24 hours of flying to get to where this is all happening. I don't know the couple. I have never been to visit my sister because we cannot afford it. We used to live in another country in the Southern Hemisphere and then I moved north 10 years ago and she moved east about 6 yrs ago.

I have been on these boards for a few years now, previously as Numberfour. I know the Penguins story, greg's sausage rolls, the BF/FF debates, and fruitshoots and lentil weaving, not to mention Terry Wogan's cock. Besides, this man, for example, is a twat. Does that satisfy you that I am not a troll?????

OP posts:
spiderpig8 · 28/12/2011 19:07

yes Smile

exoticfruits · 28/12/2011 19:14

YANBU-I would tell it as it is.

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 28/12/2011 19:48

A moment of lightheartedness in all this misery

"not to mention Terry Wogan's cock."

You are not a proper mn'er until you have indeed seen this.

FWIW I do think your dsis has been mentally damaged by her previous relationships and is seeing this as being a case of her loves her that much EVEN the fact his wife is birthing their child isn't enough to keep him away from her. Not the way we all see, which is that he is a vile person.

For herself she needs to get away from him, he will make her worse not better.

This doesn't mean I think she should be absolved from what she is doing, my only sympathy is for his wife and that poor baby.

thefroggy · 29/12/2011 01:42

I am a proper mner, i've been here for eight years but I know not about Terry Wogan's cock [sobs]. Would someone be kind enough to explain?

BluddyMoFo · 29/12/2011 02:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank · 29/12/2011 02:49

He sounds like an utter cuntbag and I would tell his wife.

I know that's not the "done" thing, but I would.

thefroggy · 29/12/2011 02:52

I wish I hadn't asked................but thanks anyway bluddymofo.

(scrubs mind with bleach).

Spermysextowel · 29/12/2011 03:45

My ex was in the arms of his girlfriend the evening after I had a C section with ds2. Took me a couple of months & a private detective to prove this tho (am sure I've mentioned this before).

Am so grateful to her for taking him off my hands:shit husband: shit father.

They're probably quite suited to each other. It won't necessarily end in heartache for her, but she'll clearly have to have a step-mother plan in mind.

ElizabethDarcy · 29/12/2011 07:26

Your sister is a cow. He's a bastard.

MinnieBar · 29/12/2011 08:21

Is the counsellor in the UK?? If so report them to the BACP (assuming they are a member). Totally unethical.

No wonder your sister likes this 'counsellor' - a similar lack of morals and ethics.

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 29/12/2011 20:19

Dsis and the family are in the southern hemisphere.

OP posts:
redwinegum · 30/12/2011 07:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dozer · 30/12/2011 07:33

One night for a C-section is not uncommon in uk, I've done this twice.

Quite hard for the OP to say / do much when it's all happening so far away.

worldgonecrazy · 30/12/2011 07:45

I understood that any Tom, Dick or Harry can set themselves up as a counsellor? It's not a protected profession is it? So your sister is paying someone to give her crap advice. Tell her to save her money.

This man is a cock. Your sister is vulnerable and falling for it. However, no woman is the keeper of a man's morals. That's entirely up to him. Keep the channels of communication open and be there for her when she realises what a cock he is and precisely what she has done and how horrible it really is.

WelshMoth · 30/12/2011 08:58

OP, you are spot on with your thinking but this doesn't make your situation any easier. It's a pity that your DSis doesn't have the same thinking as you, but as others have also mentioned, it indeed sounds like she has been greatly affected by her history Sad

How much does she rely on this counsellor? If she relies on her quite a bit, then she will use this counsellor's opinions to validate and even justify her behaviour. I'd be sorely tempted to contact this counsellor, to remind her of her professional ethics and to boot the woman right up the arse for being a total twat. FB friends? Telling her the man loves her?! So very unprofessional and in total contradiction of her professional ethics.

Good luck. These things never end well.

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 30/12/2011 10:34

I cannot say where this is happening, Redwinegums. I have said quite a lot already about their personal details so I do not want to say more.

Dsis has been seeing one therapist or another for years. She has had lots of crap happen to and around her, but she has come to rely very heavily on outside input and she also seems to blame everyone else but herself for her choices or for her situation in any respect, not just this one.

I think that Worldgonecrazy is right: all I can do is be there for her when it all comes tumbling down.

WelshMoth, it seems that Dsis relies a great deal on the counsellor to help her make sense of this situation because it is always a case of "X says this, and X says that" when talking about the counsellor. More often than not it seems to me that the counsellor is giving her approval of the situation.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 30/12/2011 10:47

Anyone can call themselves a counsellor, it's not a protected term. Anyone can call themselves a chiropractor too.

What's important is accreditation by an external body - so if her counsellor is a member of a professional body she could use their complaints procedure.

She could easily not be a member of a professional body and just be calling herself one.

If you're an actual counsellor it's 3 years 3 months minimum training plus 100 supervised hours minimum before qualification. Then supervision for ever after this if you join a professional body.