Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told my sister what she is involved in will end in someone's heartache and pain?

84 replies

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 27/12/2011 23:33

My Dsis is getting divorced soon, having separated from her H some months ago. She is now involved with a married man and this has been going on for some time. She says that he will not be leaving his wife and she does not want him to in any event. However, it seems that she is starting to have very strong feelings for him.

What blows my mind is that he phoned my Dsis and asked her over to his on the night his wife was kept in hospital after having had a C Section. So this fucker's child is a day old, his wife is in hospital recovering from major surgery and he is shagging another woman.

Dsis reckons he is such a lovely man, makes her feel so wonderful, is so kind and romantic and sexy and blahblahblahblahfuckingblah.

So, AIBU in telling her that NOTHING good can come of this? She is now feeling very down and sorry for herself - but that is guilt, isn't it? This is a bad situation with no redeeming features.

OP posts:
ladyfirenze · 28/12/2011 00:46

It's not proper therapy. Anyone can be a counsellor. It takes about eight weeks.

Moominsarescary · 28/12/2011 00:48

froggy that's bloody awful, what a wanker. Ds1s dad was shagging about when I was in hospital ill and pg with his son. We all thought he was lovely at the time, me, my family, his family never thought he would be such a bastard

Even though your Sis has been hurt there is no excuse for her doing this. I think she will probably fall for him and be hurt again. She obviously has bad taste if she thinks he's lovely, he's poor wife

BertieBotts · 28/12/2011 00:48

Oh dear. Send her a link to www.baggagereclaim.co.uk and force her to read all of it! (And the counsellor Wink)

BluddyMoFo · 28/12/2011 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charbon · 28/12/2011 00:52

The counsellor should be reported for unethical practice.

It wouldn't surprise anyone on here I should think, just how many women exiting an abusive relationship get into this situation. It's a major vulnerability and you should tell your sister about it. It happens because if a man shows even a little bit of kindness and attention, he seems so much better than the last abusive wanker that he is invested with qualities that just don't exist. Women in these relationships almost always overlook how horribly abusive he is to his own wife and children and it's a kind of blindness.

Tell her your views and don't hide them. Be there for her when it all ends.

thefroggy · 28/12/2011 00:53

Good job I didn't know at the time...I may have baseball batted him Grin

redwinegum · 28/12/2011 00:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nix12 · 28/12/2011 00:55

She really needs a new counsellor, apart from anything else. The one she has sounds completely useless and unprofessional.

Of course he is a shit, how can he be otherwise?

I think your sister sounds very vulnerable. This is not the way for her to get strength or happiness.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2011 01:10

thefroggy - and that still would have been too good for him!!

It sounds more like your sister has a friend who is a counsellor - not actually her counsellor iyswim. Either way, she should have more sense.

thefroggy · 28/12/2011 01:31

She really needs to get shut of this man, sharpish.

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 28/12/2011 09:37

I think many PPs are right in saying that my Dsis is vulnerable. She is very low emotionally at the moment (for fuck's sake, don't for a moment think I am excusing her shameful behaviour!) and feels very miserable about her whole life - two abusive men and another tragedy that would out us, if I mentioned it. So she definitely is down.

She seems to take the counsellor's word as gospel. When I asked her about the baby and wife, she mentioned her own situation, the man's mess that he is in, and her counsellor. Not once did she mention the wife and then unborn baby. Complete and utter denial. Having talked to her a bit she says that I have pricked her conscience and that she is a bad person. But this self-serving self pity also does not wash with me.

Suppose all I can do is sit and wait for the eventual fall out. She is on the other side of the world from me - in literal terms (don't want to say literally in case it is not interpreted in the literal sense!).

Thanks for everyone's input. I appreciate it.

OP posts:
runningwilde · 28/12/2011 10:29

Your sister is an idiot, and what she is doing is vile. I feel so sorry for the wife

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 28/12/2011 10:45

Me, too, runningwilde. I remember how horrible I felt after DS was born - scared, tired, emotionally finished, and in a lot of pain. Poor, poor woman.

Someone will find out and someone will tell her.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 28/12/2011 10:50

Does your sister have children? Assuming not, can you spell it out to her exactly how you feel about having a baby - how for most people it is the biggest event in their life and changes their personality and values forever, and how the actual giving birth and hospital stay (if in hospital) is always an intrinsic part of that and tied up with it in your mind.
is your sister very young? I know she's divorcing, but I cannot believe that anyone over the age of 21 has so little empathy. Actually, yes I can.

Original poster
Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 28/12/2011 10:59

My sister has two teenage children and she is over 50.

The man is over 12 years her junior.

... the situation could not have been more absurd if fictional.

OP posts:
Charbon · 28/12/2011 11:22

I think you need to put the case for the man's wife. Force your sister to step into this poor woman's shoes. Link the man's abusive behaviour to her ex's. I don't see how it's possible to sit on the fence with this. You can tell her that she and he are behaving abominably while still loving her and being there for her.

TheScaryJessie · 28/12/2011 12:17

I can see how she could be emotionally vulnerable to this man. It makes me really sad that she seems unable to intellectually see this man in his true, poo-brown colours, though.

What a bad time of it she must have had with her own husband,that she does not realise that a woman is entitled to support from the father after she gives birth.

You need to explain that no "nice man" would leave the woman that he loved enough to marry, in hospital recovering from major surgery, to have sex with someone else! His poor baby! He should be sitting in hospital, helping his wife and being a father to his newborn son.

runningwilde · 28/12/2011 13:54

I really hope the wife finds out and leaves him to start again. The vile sister and wanker husband deserve each other. Noone should have to explain anything to her, she should know that what she is doing is disgusting.

TheScaryJessie · 28/12/2011 14:03

Nope, they shouldn't have to explain! Unfortunately, OP's sister seems caught up in a little fantasy world right now...

What kind of man would choose abandoning someone in hospital for illicit sex over cooing to his one-day-old baby?

ItsTimeToBurnThisDiscoDown · 28/12/2011 14:44

My DSis was involved with a married man (he's since left his wife and 4 kids) and used to say it was him doing the cheating because he was married, she was completely free from blame because she was single! And the DW didn't understand him, they didn't have sex, blah blah blah. The fact the DW was pregnant when they started the affair didn't seem to show that he was lying about the sex at least. I told her exactly what I thought and she said "you're making me feel bad". Good?! I also asked how she'd feel if my DH did it to me, whether she'd think it was all my fault for not giving him enough sex/attention/whatever and she said of course not, it was different because she knows me. Hmm

What I'm trying to say, through this long and rambling rant, is that people who are going to do this tend to be quite good at making it seem ok, so don't be surprised if what you say doesn't seem to make any difference. Sad

spiderpig8 · 28/12/2011 15:23

I'd stay well out of it, and just be there for her when the inevitable happens.

SantasENormaSnob · 28/12/2011 16:09

Vile.

The fucking pair of them should be deeply ashamed.

Poor wife Sad

TheFestiveWife · 28/12/2011 17:17

That is fucking appalling, shagging another woman in the marital bed whilst your wife is in hospital recovering from a C-section! Xmas ShockXmas Sad

I've encountered a similar situation quite a long time ago, and I'm afraid I went and told the wife. I just couldn't stand back and watch it all happen. I know she's your sister but you'd probably be doing her favour by blowing it all out of the water. She can't stay in denial then.

helenthemadex · 28/12/2011 17:28

the pair of them sound like they deserve each other, Im a strong believer in Karma, what comes around goes around!

alliwantisaroomsomewhere perhaps ask your sister how she would feel if she found out that your dp/dh was doing this to you, would she think he was a "lovely man"

yellowraincoat · 28/12/2011 17:34

Oh wow, that's horrible. Do you know the couple involved? If you do, I would tell them. No way could I watch that happening.