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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to loose it with MIL next time?

128 replies

inspireme · 27/12/2011 16:02

So on Christmas day at my SIL's I started plating up DH's dinner, as all my sil's were doing for their DH's. My MIL went to grab the plate off me and said she''d do it, I said nicely, no it's ok you get yours, as she had already done PIL's, she said no I'll do it, once again I said it's ok u get your own as I had the plate in my hand and had already started it, so cue the too- ing and fro-ing of "I'll do it" "no it's ok you get your own and sit down" Etc.

So after a few of these i had to give in (as i knew it was gonna end in a row) and let her do it, I know its really trivial but it's typical of her not wanting to let go even though we're married with a DS.

The main reason I wanted to do it was the fact that she never makes vegetables for anyone as she doesn't like them and assumes everyone else doesn't too, when DH loves them so I knew he wouldn't get any.

She has also done this before regarding DS, one example is when Im about to feed him she insists on doing it to the point that I have to give in to avoid a row! (DS has reflux and is v hard to feed, and gets annoyed when other people do it)

AIBU to think that if u keep pushing people and insisting on doing things that they clearly don't want u to do they will eventually loose it??

So WIBU too loose it the next time she does this??

OP posts:
Eglu · 27/12/2011 17:40

Why did MIL not feel the need to do dinner for the other men too? Is DH her only son and the others are son-in-laws?

I think you just repeat ad nauseum that you are already doing it.

Eglu · 27/12/2011 17:41

Or 'really MIL you are bring quite silly making such a big fuss when I'm already doing it' with a huge smile and in a sickly sweet voice.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 27/12/2011 17:48

Maybe while you are learning to be more assertive with your MIL you could be more assertive with the rude pendants on the thread too Grin.

Pedants, you have your own corner to play in... do bugger off to it.

Ephiny · 27/12/2011 17:49

All the women 'serving' their husbands? That sounds quite a bizarre situation. I'm all for getting food onto plates quickly before it gets cold, but really did all the women cook and none of the men, just by co-incidence? I feel like I'm in a parallel universe on here sometimes, I really do!

On the other issues, I would be firm but polite with your MIL. No one needs to 'lose it', but if anyone needs to have a word with her about her behaviour, it should be your DH, she's his mother after all.

Floggingmolly · 27/12/2011 18:59

Sorry Squeaky!. Just speaking from personal experience (sadly).

LovesBloominChristmas · 27/12/2011 19:05

Next time let her do everyone's.

UniS · 27/12/2011 19:10

OP - the idea of one person from each family plating up their families meals sounds very sensible. Your MiL on teh other hand sounds little unhinged. Does she sulk? coz if so, losing it at dinner may not be a good idea, I'd wait till pudding or maybe during washing up, less messy. Just be prepared to IGNORE the sulk and carry on with life around her.

Good luck

wheredidiputit · 27/12/2011 19:39

Why couldn't your just put the food in bowls one the table and you just help yourself. This worked fine for us with serving and eating 14 (from 2.9yrs to 67). and we all manage eat without having to 'plate up' meals.

Mind you I'd you I like it better when MIL doesn't dish up as she give you enough feed 10.

DingDongQuintessentialNight · 27/12/2011 19:45

Yanbu to be annoyed. But YABU that non of you have told her that he likes veg too!

When MIL plates up for my dh, she ensures he gets a mahoosive portion with all the best cuts of meat. He gets pretty much 50% of the food on the table. The other half she divides up between me and our two children. SHE usually eats before she calls us to the table. (When at her house)

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 27/12/2011 19:53

DingDong, Shock.
Why does your DH tolerate that?

FellatioNelson · 27/12/2011 19:53

This thread is hilarious. Are you all Amish?

KidnaptheSandyClaws · 27/12/2011 20:01

"Yes I know u have to be more assertive but I know my assertive will turn into me losing my temper after yrs of this annoying me iyswim."

Xmas Hmm

No, I don't really see what you mean! If your self control is so lacking I suspect MIL is thoroughly irritated by you too!

NinkyNonker · 27/12/2011 20:07

God some people are hard work.

Op, yanbu to be annoyed about an irritating MIL. I also appreciate that you are prob being a little tongue in cheek about losing it with her...as you obviously don't have issues with self control or you'd have done so already.

Yanbu to plate up, if you have a small table and lots of people I expect serving dishes don't make sense. Sometimes I dish, sometimes DH does, sometimes we both do, sometimes we eat from a communal bowl...I don't keep count. Perhaps i should to be sure I am in the right century.

Grammar/spelling police are very yawnsome and patronising. We're all adults and not in the classroom so rein it in.

DingDongQuintessentialNight · 27/12/2011 20:12

Lesser, because he knows she will throw a tantrum and sulk for days if anybody says against her. She was a nightmare on our last visit. She knows our youngest (then 3) does not like soup. She therefore decided to "turn him" to the ways of soup, and cooked soup for dinner every day. Except one day. She made chicken steaklets with cheese and pineapple inside the chicken. My sons are not keen on melted cheese, so they tried to dig the cheese away. She was mortally offended the poor little mites (6 and 3) left the melted blobs of cheese and pineapple, and was ranting and crying with hysteria. (For the soup meals, she would have cooked a separate porkchop or chicken breast for dh only, to ensure he got his fill)

Original poster
inspireme · 27/12/2011 20:42

To those who keep suggesting we serve from bowls on table - it may have worked for your family but not ours. I really don't think it's that bad to put food on a plate for your DH and children!!

I can't see how it suggests we live in another century or something, whoever cooks the meal put it on plates and it was myself and two SIL's, and before someone says I can't believe the men don't cook Xmas dinner, they didn't help because none of them are particularly good cooks nothing to do with gender stereotypes they just aren't that good at cooking end of.

My DH and I have a v equal relationship so the suggestions that I wait on him hand and foot are way of the mark, we share parenting as equally as possible as I am still on maternity leave, and are considering him becoming a SAHD while I go back to my job as a engineer in a male dominated industry. We live a life far from the way most of you think we do by reading too much into me putting food on a plate for him!

OP posts:
Katisha · 27/12/2011 20:48

OK but you have to admit the original post gave the most peculiar picture of you and your MIL competing to load up his plate in a way that very much suggested it was circa 1952...

runningwilde · 27/12/2011 20:56

Your hubs should serve himself

With your child tell her more firmly and in a LouD voice that you will do it

Learn the difference between 'loose' and 'lose'

usualsuspect · 27/12/2011 21:00

The 1950s called ,they want their christmas dinner back Grin

mrsmaltesers · 27/12/2011 21:02

Caan he not serve himself? I,d let everyone get on with getting their own food tbh. Surely its not up to you to be responsible for dh,s vegetable situation.

(reminds me of once when mil served her supposedly best friends husband vegetables and was leaning alll over his plate. She and him were having an affair and the body language was a winner!). Oops. I went slightly off piste there!

Original poster
inspireme · 27/12/2011 21:07

Runningwilde/mrsmslteasers I have already explained why the husbands did not serve themselves, read my other posts.

Katisha only because a lot of posters are always so quick to pounce on other posters ( ususlly thread starters) and frequently jump to wrong conclusions from something taken completely taken out of context.

And enough with the loose/lose thing btw, I got it the first time it was pointed out. It's not the first mistake I've ever made and it sure as hell won't be the last so get over it no one's perfect!!

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 27/12/2011 21:45

don't give in and don't row. just be a broken record 'no thanks, I'll do it' over and over again. continue with what ever you are doing and don't discuss it.

NonnoMum · 27/12/2011 21:53

Oh, just let her do it and pour yourself another large one.

NonnoMum · 27/12/2011 21:55

Say, "How kind of you, dear Ma in Law, he really misses your cooking, donchaknow, please remember to place lots of the red cabbage on his plate, he has reet fancy tastebuds these days, and don't drahn it in gravy, you filthy caaaaaahhhhhhhhhh".

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 22:12

I don't understand why you had to get involved-either let her do it or let DH sort out his own.

MummyAnnabella · 27/12/2011 22:15

I consider myself a feminist and work v hard and successfully in male dominated career. I plated up my dhs dinner and our kids. We were at my family an. Know dh would not have helped himself to such big portions!! Does not make me 1950s throwback in any way.

I agree nonnomum with letting her get on with it and pouring myself another drink!! If he misses his veg be knows who to blame!!