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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to loose it with MIL next time?

128 replies

inspireme · 27/12/2011 16:02

So on Christmas day at my SIL's I started plating up DH's dinner, as all my sil's were doing for their DH's. My MIL went to grab the plate off me and said she''d do it, I said nicely, no it's ok you get yours, as she had already done PIL's, she said no I'll do it, once again I said it's ok u get your own as I had the plate in my hand and had already started it, so cue the too- ing and fro-ing of "I'll do it" "no it's ok you get your own and sit down" Etc.

So after a few of these i had to give in (as i knew it was gonna end in a row) and let her do it, I know its really trivial but it's typical of her not wanting to let go even though we're married with a DS.

The main reason I wanted to do it was the fact that she never makes vegetables for anyone as she doesn't like them and assumes everyone else doesn't too, when DH loves them so I knew he wouldn't get any.

She has also done this before regarding DS, one example is when Im about to feed him she insists on doing it to the point that I have to give in to avoid a row! (DS has reflux and is v hard to feed, and gets annoyed when other people do it)

AIBU to think that if u keep pushing people and insisting on doing things that they clearly don't want u to do they will eventually loose it??

So WIBU too loose it the next time she does this??

OP posts:
Original poster
inspireme · 27/12/2011 16:19

Katisha as a matter of fact yes we did, as my DH was giving our DS the rest of his bottle my other BIL's were looking after their kids, building toys etc, MIl Stayed 5 mins after dinner didnt help and left without dessert.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/12/2011 16:21

Is your adult husband also not capable of telling mummy that he likes and wants vegetables either? Grin

DoMeDon · 27/12/2011 16:25

It is always U to lose it. Communicate and assert yourself. It's xmas dinner - joy to the world Hmm

Original poster
inspireme · 27/12/2011 16:25

It was just easier that way all DH's were rounding up kids pouring juice getting them into high chairs so it's not like they were sitting idle waiting on it. We tried the dishes on table last yr wasn't enough room, kids taking more that they ate etc just didn't work.

I really don't think it's that strange for women to put out dinner for their families tbh, usually the person who cooks put it out (be that man or woman)and we all (Sil's) cooked it between us.

OP posts:
AllGoodNamesGone · 27/12/2011 16:28

I can see why it would bug you but I would just smile and let her do it while I sat down and ate my own dinner tbh! One less plate for me to do! Your DH could always get up and help himself to more veg if he didn't like what she plated up for him.

Original poster
inspireme · 27/12/2011 16:31

Squeaky he'll just take what he's given and then get up and put on vegetables cue MIL making a fuss again and the whole I'll do it thing all over again.

After yrs of this Domedon I know I would have to lose my temper for her to get the msg.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 27/12/2011 16:33

What's the big deal about women plating up for their dh's?

Does it really matter? I like plating up for my dh and he likes me doing it. Same as I like him keeping my glass topped up with whatever I'm drinking? It is allowed. It doesn't mean that we go home and I get raped ffs.

Anyway, YANBU. I would lose it. Or just learn how to say 'no, I'll do it' in an assertive enough way with a nasty enough look on my face that she will realise that I will win, not her. I must have a natural ability, because my bitch of a MIL has known since day one that I am the most important woman in dh's life, and I will always be the one with the most influence.

Haziedoll · 27/12/2011 16:33

It is very odd that the women are getting the men's food.

I do remember one bizarre occasion when there was a buffet lunch at mils. Mil asked me if I was going to plate up for dh I replied he was big enough to choose his own food so she proceeded to plate up for him. She then asked me if he preferred white or brown bread, she said he used to prefer white but didn't know if things had changed since I stole him from her! She was deadly serious too.

Floggingmolly · 27/12/2011 16:34

Yes it is real 1950's stuff, but most MIL's are a product of the 50's, don't forget. It's entirely believable, though deeply irritating; I speak from bitter experience, unfortunately.

naturalbaby · 27/12/2011 16:34

You're a grown woman, if you want to do it then do it. Be calm, collected and grown up about it.

Speak to her like you would speak to a child "No thankyou, I said I will do it" and repeat, repeat, repeat. If she wants to act like a child then treat her like one.

squeakytoy · 27/12/2011 16:34

well, your husband needs to open his mouth and speak up for himself with his mother then.. "sit down mum, I am old enough to do it myself" said every time she starts to faff around would eventually get the message over.

squeakytoy · 27/12/2011 16:38

Yes it is real 1950's stuff, but most MIL's are a product of the 50's, don't forget

Eh? I am a MIL, and was born in 1969!!! Not all MILs are in their 70's!

Original poster
inspireme · 27/12/2011 16:39

So all of u who think it's rather 1950's to plate up you family's food when u cook do you leave everyone to plate their own and go and sit at the table while they sort themselves out, small kids and all?

Yes I know u have to be more assertive but I know my assertive will turn into me losing my temper after yrs of this annoying me iyswim.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 27/12/2011 16:40

Then you will be letting yourself down. Better to just say No and if she attempts to continue just say no and carry on doing what you're doing. You allow the situation to worsen by doing the dance - 'I'll get it', 'No, I'll get it'. You have to change your approach not lose the plot.

As for all this hilarious 50's stuff - each to their own. I served breakfsat and lunch to my 'menfol' and DC today. DH served up to us Xmas day and boxing day while I played with DC. Swings and roundabouts.

squeakytoy · 27/12/2011 16:41

We have a serving dish that goes in the middle of the table, and everyone helps themselves.

ilovesooty · 27/12/2011 16:42

Yes I know u have to be more assertive but I know my assertive will turn into me losing my temper after yrs of this annoying me iyswim

In that case I think your assertiveness skills need some work...

eurochick · 27/12/2011 16:43

"So all of u who think it's rather 1950's to plate up you family's food when u cook do you leave everyone to plate their own and go and sit at the table while they sort themselves out, small kids and all?"

Day to day, my husband cooks and dishes up which I prepare the table/laptrays and drinks. For Xmas lunch or when we have people over for dinner we put everything on serving dishes in the middle of the table and people help themselves (parents assisting small children).

Original poster
inspireme · 27/12/2011 16:44

My DH wouldn't speak to her like that squeaky, they all tip toe around her for fear of upsetting her for some unknown reason, so she basically gets to do what she wants and no one ever questions it.

Yes we've tried the dish thing before simply no room and hot dishes with toddlers don't work.

Typing on iPhone with sleeping baby so sorry for any typos, before the grammar police get stuck into me again.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 27/12/2011 16:48

If your husband can't be assertive with his controlling mare of a mother you're probably on a hiding to nothing then.

Original poster
inspireme · 27/12/2011 16:48

The serving dishes/ or everyone helping themselves really doesn't work for us, usually whoever cooks plates up which IMO is usually simplest. I really dont think it's that odd it makes more sense I think everyone's eating quicker while food is still hot. ( I hate cold food btw)

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 27/12/2011 16:49

Maybe, just maybe, they tip toe because she's their mum and they love/respect her?

You know some people make allowances for others 'ways' because they care about them ,and they don't feel the need to battle over dinner/other trivial issue, as they know by the time you reach a certain age, that's just you how you are, and you ain't gonna change!!!!!!!!!!!

HairyNigel · 27/12/2011 16:58

If it was me I'd just say no, I'm already doing it and then carry on doing it. Semi ignore her pleas of wanting to do it and she'll soon get the hint. It only takes a couple of minutes anyway so just do it super fast and don't give in! Don't lose it though, you'll end up looking like the bad guy.

Original poster
inspireme · 27/12/2011 17:03

Your prob right domedon but it shouldnt mean she gets to do whatever she wants especially regarding our DS, I have had the conversation with him about thus before and he knows hes afraid to upset her, but he's very much anything for a quiet life. But I know if it comes to something serious concerning our DS he will step in and say something.

Hairynigel yes I really wished I could have carried on doing it but she was in my way from the rest of the food and had a the table against my other side so couldn't really move, but I think that's a good move for the future.

OP posts:
RainboweBrite · 27/12/2011 17:13

OP, you have to admit loose for lose is a big spelling error. I almost didn't click on your thread because it annoyed me, but curiosity won.
I don't understand why you gave in to your M-i-L, when you had already started plating up. I can see why you would want to lose it, as she is obviously doing it as a control thing, but you must learn to say no, over and over again, until she gets the message. Do you think she would have grabbed the plate from you in temper if you hadn't given in?

inkyfingers · 27/12/2011 17:20

come on ladies, more food to plate up and spellings to correct on other threads. OP you've got a year to work on that MIL - sorry she sounds a pain.