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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want dp to leave me on my own today

94 replies

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 10:26

today is dps last day off but i'm off for yhe whole two weeks.

pil are staying with relatives 20 miles away for the xmas period as they live abroad.

pil were supposed to be coming to us early afternoon today but we got a message last night to say it would now be the evening as fil wants to go do something else this afternoon.

dp was then invited to go with him so will be gone for about 3 hours.

now there is a meal at the relatives after and pil have asked him to stay for so will be gone from lunchtime til later tonight.

so i'm now feeling pissed off cos my plan to cook a meal for me and dp has gone out the window and they keep changing plans. this last change means i'm now going to be on my own.

my nan died just before xmas and i just want dp as close as poss. i could go with them this afternoon and then to meal says dp (not that i've been invited) but its a blokes outing. or he says i could wait for him at relatives with mil and others and have meal with them (again his suggestion not theirs) when i'm feeling low and don't really relish the idea of beung on my own with them for 3 hours.

they're not bad pil but the constant change of plans and lack of considrration that we might already have plans is getting on my nerves. nornally i give in because dp doesn't see them much.

so he doesn't know what to do and i don't want to tell him not to go but don't want him running around after them all day/eve leaving me here alone.

OP posts:
pictish · 27/12/2011 10:28

Think you need to man up and let him go. Sorry.

ILoveSanta · 27/12/2011 10:29

I really dislike inconsiderate people. That is the issue, they just don't realise the effect their actions and mind-changing has on you, so tell them. Starting with your DP. Men are simple creatures, they don't notice these things unless you point it out. All be it in the nicest way possible!

amerryscot · 27/12/2011 10:29

Yabu

His family lives abroad and it is reasonable for him to spend as much time with them as possible. He is with you every other day, and you can cook your meal when you have your next time together (eg at the weekend).

AbbyAbsinthe · 27/12/2011 10:30

Agree with Pictish. It's only a day!

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 10:30

I can't believe I am reading this, are you an adult?

For goodness sakes, why on earth would you try to stop your DH from seeing his parents when they are in the country, so you're not alone for a few hours.

You sound really pathetic and tragic.

michglas · 27/12/2011 10:30

I know you're grieving but DP has come up with a really good suggestion that means he can spend time with his father while you are not on your own. Go and spend some time with your MIL and family, does he not deserve to spend time with his dad and then both parents later on when he probably doesn't get to see them that often?

scuzy · 27/12/2011 10:33

i would say let him go - his parents live abroad you say so he obviously doesnt see them much. you have 2 weeks off to organise and even nicer stress free meal when he is home from work. if you openly show how pissed off you are it will make things worse. he obviouslt feels torn if he is inviting you along ... suck it up and take the time to get a dvd or do something for yourself.

sorry to hear your nan passed btw.

scuzy · 27/12/2011 10:34

sitandnatter - was that necessary? pathetic and tragic?? no need for that!

dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2011 10:37

If they didn't live abroad, I'd say YANBU. But as an expat myself, I find it hard to be super-organised and committed to plans when I go home, simply because I'm trying to squeeze in as much stuff as possible in my short time back. So I don't think it's reasonable to be really upset with the ILs.

But why are you focusing your upset on them anyway? Surely your DP could have said no to this afternoon's outing? Did you explain to him how upset you are and why? If so, why does he still want to go?

I imagine he wants to spend as much time with them as he can while they're here. That's not really unreasonable either.

I'm sorry for your loss, and it must be very hard for you right now. But I think you should try to be strong today and not let your sorrow interfere with your family's happiness and time together. Perhaps you could plan something nice for you and DP to do together soon, to cheer you up?

BastedTurkey · 27/12/2011 10:40

Options:

Stay at home and mope and be angry with DP for spending 3 hours with his family who live abroad and he probably won't see for a long time.

Stay at home but do some fun stuff with your family / friends.

Let DP go for the boy stuff and just go over for the meal.

Go for all of it.

But to make DP stay home would be VU

Original poster
SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 10:40

thanks for all the nice comments Hmm

i wouldn't mind if they actually acted like they wanted to see him but they've ben here for 2 months and have seen him a handful of times all in the last week because they've been too busy doing other things that imo aren't more important than seeing your son.

i'm not going to stop him going i would never do that.

i haven't been invited today hence why i'm not going.

the meal was for them too.

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 10:41

To me a grown woman wanting to stop her husband seeing his parents so she's not alone is that IMO. No not necessary but this is AIBU where answers tend to be more blunt honest.

I wouldn't "let him go" because I wouldn't expect a grown man to have to ask my permission to see his parents for an evening. A weekend away with the lads, then yes, I'd expect to be consulted. He sounds lovely and considerate in coming up with solutions.

I really don't by the inconsiderate and changing routine stuff either to be honest there are only in the country for Christmas time. It would be very sad if he was prevented from spending time with them.

EauDeLaPoisson · 27/12/2011 10:43

You sound like a control freak im afraid. If your nan has recently passed why not spend some time with your mum or dad (whomevers mum she was) ?

fivegomadindorset · 27/12/2011 10:46

"they've been too busy doing other things that imo aren't more important than seeing your son"

Well they may be important to them.

Original poster
SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 10:47

thanks scuzy...

i can't go later as i'll have no way of getting there but don't relish the thought of inviting myself to his relatives house who i don't really know.

part of my annoyance is how they treat dp in constantly.changing stuff.

this afternoon is a football match. last week fil declined spending time with dp going to a match because he'd gone off football.

OP posts:
pictish · 27/12/2011 10:48

Yes...you sounds as though you are dreaming up reasons to support your argument that he should not go.

I sincerely hope you will not make your dp do what you want by convincing him that his parents don't care about him....because that would be really manipulative and horrid.

TheSkiingGardener · 27/12/2011 10:50

So you were all meant to be having a meal and now they have invited your dp out and for dinner and not either invited you or at least considered the fact that you were going to cook for them. Sorry YANBU. They are selfish goits.

Original poster
SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 10:51

control freak? dp does what he wants when he wants.

the stuff that is more important than dp is watching soaps and shopping.

it was my dads mum that passed away and i have no inclination to spend time with him.

OP posts:
giveyourselfashiny · 27/12/2011 10:53

So u were all meant to go out, they have changed plans twice about it and now you are not involved or invited? Then yanbu.

pictish · 27/12/2011 10:54

No they were not ALL meant to be having a meal...the OP had plans to cook for her DP. The in-laws had originally planned to come along for a visit in the early afternoon.

Original poster
SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 10:55

no pictish i wouldn't do that.

i have not once told him not to go. as far as i know he is going so he'll be gone for at least 6 hours.

precisely skiinggardener.

OP posts:
fivegomadindorset · 27/12/2011 10:56

So what is the problem with your father?

Original poster
SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 10:56

sorry if not clear - i was cooking for me and dp and then they said they'd like to comr see us today so wad then cooking for all.

OP posts:
giveyourselfashiny · 27/12/2011 10:57

She said early afternoon was then changed to late, then changed to him going her not invited and that the meal originally was for them aswell

Original poster
SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 10:58

he abandoned us at a young age and then when i had a major op a few years ago where words like cancer and trsnsplant were being said to me by the hospital he didn't give a shit.

OP posts:
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