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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want dp to leave me on my own today

94 replies

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 10:26

today is dps last day off but i'm off for yhe whole two weeks.

pil are staying with relatives 20 miles away for the xmas period as they live abroad.

pil were supposed to be coming to us early afternoon today but we got a message last night to say it would now be the evening as fil wants to go do something else this afternoon.

dp was then invited to go with him so will be gone for about 3 hours.

now there is a meal at the relatives after and pil have asked him to stay for so will be gone from lunchtime til later tonight.

so i'm now feeling pissed off cos my plan to cook a meal for me and dp has gone out the window and they keep changing plans. this last change means i'm now going to be on my own.

my nan died just before xmas and i just want dp as close as poss. i could go with them this afternoon and then to meal says dp (not that i've been invited) but its a blokes outing. or he says i could wait for him at relatives with mil and others and have meal with them (again his suggestion not theirs) when i'm feeling low and don't really relish the idea of beung on my own with them for 3 hours.

they're not bad pil but the constant change of plans and lack of considrration that we might already have plans is getting on my nerves. nornally i give in because dp doesn't see them much.

so he doesn't know what to do and i don't want to tell him not to go but don't want him running around after them all day/eve leaving me here alone.

OP posts:

storminamanger · 27/12/2011 10:58

I think because you are grieving your nan then your reaction may be different to normal. I think you would be U to stop him going, but you are not BU to want him near because of how you feel!

Let him go, and think of lovely things you can do, sound the day watching films you love, have a nice bath with nice smellies, paint your nails, eat chocolate and look at it as a positive that you don't have to spend time with the in-laws. They may be 'ok' but it's never fun putting on a brave face when you don't want to.

I'm sorry to hear about your nan.

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 27/12/2011 11:01

Yes that would piss me off, to being coming over for dinner and then decide they would rather do something else is bad enough, but to invite dp and not you is terribly rude!

YANBU, and just because it is AIBU doesn't mean to is okay to call the OP names.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 27/12/2011 11:02

I have fantasies about three hours on my own! You seem to have been given lots of options but it would be unreasonable to expect your dp not to do the "bloke" stuff and spend some time with his family. I think you need to compromise. Either you spend time with dp's family, you contact your family or friends and spend time with them, you have a mosey round the shops and get a good book and some delicious food for one, etc., etc..

SquidgyBiscuits · 27/12/2011 11:02

I don't get it?

Your DP is presumably an adult. Why to god would he need your permission to spend time with his parents? Presumably you are also an adult. Why can you not cope alone for "at least 6 hours"?

Sorry to hear about your loss, but you are being hugely unreasonable. It isn't your dp's fault that you have 2 weeks off and he doesn't. And you didn't have plans beyond eating food.

SirSugar · 27/12/2011 11:03

what you going to do with yourself when he goes back to work? Or is that ok, for him to be at work and leave you alone for more than a few hours?

ok disappointed the plans keep changing. Thats life. I want doesn't get.

Northernlurker · 27/12/2011 11:06

Right well I simply cannot keep up with all the ins and outs of your family entanglements but I will say this: For any grown woman to freak out about spending time alone is pathetic. Have you no life of your own? Come on, buck up and make a plan. Existing only through your life partner is a big mistake for both of you.

Original poster

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 11:09

thank you storm and thats.

i normally love some alone time.

i think part of the problem is dp always seems to be out on a bender when i get bad news - not his fault but i always seem to end up crying on my own :( he was out when my nan died the other night and when i got the bad health news a few years ago. he is lovely and tries to make it up to me but doesn't work when he's drunk or hung over.

i'm just feeling lonely i guess.

OP posts:

ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 27/12/2011 11:10

Is this right OP?

OP and DP were having a meal with DP's parents
The time of this was altered from early to late
OP fine with that

DP's parents then decided they didn't want to come over
They asked DP to come and see them to go to a match and go for dinner
They did not invite OP to come with him

So they cancelled a dinner she had planned and then invited hger partner out with out her for food.

Very very rude!

SirSugar · 27/12/2011 11:10

Whats the bad health news? or did I miss that

skybluepearl · 27/12/2011 11:11

let him go. organise a nice meal with friends instead.

SirSugar · 27/12/2011 11:12

Maybe they think DP and OP are already joined at hip and the invite was universal anyway

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 11:14

That's what I thought lurker but I got told off

Original poster

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 11:17

yes thatsnotsantasbabybelly. better than i put it :)

dp is frustrated with them changing arrangements all the time too but they're his parents. its not a new thing its something we've talked about before as its caused rows in the past because of how much it annoys dp.

anyway meat is in the freezer. will find something to do with the veg.

OP posts:

pictish · 27/12/2011 11:18

Right. Well given your last post, I think you are being manipulative and needy.
You are turning events that were beyond his control, into reasons that he owes you priority treatment above others.
He doesn't.

You are not his responsibility. Be a grown up, and take responsibility for yourself.

Start by entertaining yourself for six hours. Circumstances and plans have changed at the last minute...and you need to deal with that.

I am sorry you have lost your grandmother....but that is not sufficient reason for your dp to miss out on seeing his parents. It is six hours.

Northernlurker · 27/12/2011 11:21

So twice in however many years dp has been out when you've had bad news? Well look my dh was away with an event for church when I heard my cousin's wife had died. He was away for the whole day when I knew my bil was dying. These things happen. You can't chain them to your hip so you never get bad news. It was a coincidence, nothing more.

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 11:23

Can I assume that your DP didn't know your Nan was going to die before he went out or that you would be ill before he went out on the other occasion?

If not why does he feel he has to make it up to you? He'd have done nothing wrong.

scuzy · 27/12/2011 11:24

agree with northernlurker it wasn his fault he was away all pure chance. perk up, do something for yourself in those few hours be a supportive partner ensure he enjoys his time with his parents without sulking as he goes out the door.

pictish · 27/12/2011 11:24

Yes...why does he feel the need to 'make it up to you'?
Presumably he did nothing wrong?

Or was he made to feel as though he had, OP?

Original poster

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 11:26

ffs i'm not freaking out i'd just rather i wasn't going tobe alone today.

most people i know already have plans today but will see if anyone is about. otherwise i'll just watch the films he doesnt want to and eat his rockyroad!

we aren't joined at the hip - due to their changing plans its not unusual for him to see his parents alone like xmas eve when they came 2 hours early and left after 10 mins. infact this is the one time of the year me and dp spend time together as our jobs are so hectic.

OP posts:

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 11:28

OP are you very young or insecure? Starting to think there is more to this than is being posted.

overmydeadbody · 27/12/2011 11:29

Your PIL are very inconsiderate and YANBU to be annoyed and upset that they decided to make their own plans after you had already planned to cook for them. That is not nice.

I would be annoyed if we had arranged that I cook for my PIL and then they just changed the plans and didn't even involve me in the new ones.

Other than that I wouldn't care if DP left me alone for a few hours, I like spending time by myslef and rrely get the chance!

Original poster

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 11:29

no i never did anything to make him feel he had to make anything up to me when those things happened. he felt guilty i told him not to....

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 27/12/2011 11:31

I don't think the OP was ever planning to cook for the inlaws. They were supposed to visit early afternoon then clear off I think.

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 11:33

Santie you say "this is the one time of the year me and dp spend time together" but you live together, so that's either not true or you have some weird way of booking your holidays from work at different times for the rest of the year. His parents live abroad they truly don't spend time with him.

I'd really think about the dynamics in your relationship, the poor guy sounds as if he is under the thumb frightened of upsetting you.

pictish · 27/12/2011 11:33

Good.
Listen....your pils are inconsiderate, but there you have it. Some people think their time is more important than anyone else's. My fil and his dw are very guilty of that, and it pisses me off no end. So I agree with you on that.

However, I think that you have to accept that you will spend the day on your own, and just get on with it without whining.

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