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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want dp to leave me on my own today

94 replies

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 10:26

today is dps last day off but i'm off for yhe whole two weeks.

pil are staying with relatives 20 miles away for the xmas period as they live abroad.

pil were supposed to be coming to us early afternoon today but we got a message last night to say it would now be the evening as fil wants to go do something else this afternoon.

dp was then invited to go with him so will be gone for about 3 hours.

now there is a meal at the relatives after and pil have asked him to stay for so will be gone from lunchtime til later tonight.

so i'm now feeling pissed off cos my plan to cook a meal for me and dp has gone out the window and they keep changing plans. this last change means i'm now going to be on my own.

my nan died just before xmas and i just want dp as close as poss. i could go with them this afternoon and then to meal says dp (not that i've been invited) but its a blokes outing. or he says i could wait for him at relatives with mil and others and have meal with them (again his suggestion not theirs) when i'm feeling low and don't really relish the idea of beung on my own with them for 3 hours.

they're not bad pil but the constant change of plans and lack of considrration that we might already have plans is getting on my nerves. nornally i give in because dp doesn't see them much.

so he doesn't know what to do and i don't want to tell him not to go but don't want him running around after them all day/eve leaving me here alone.

OP posts:

Original poster

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 12:16

sitandnatter - to be honest i've been so knackered from work lately i haven't minded but we do need to make more effort.

OP posts:

ArtVandelay · 27/12/2011 12:17

I feel for you OP. I think you have worded your grievances in a way thats getting people's dander up but the basic issues here are: Your Nan died 3 days ago and your PILs are rude as f*. I think that would render me pretty upset as well. Please try to think of something nice to do today - including a walk in the fresh air (important for low mood).

Think your DP needs a rocket up his arse as well, spending all weekend on Xbox and football - he needs to get a bit more involved.

Original poster

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 12:19

the good news is i can eat my choc without him stealing most of it or moaning about the noise (he has issues with eating noises)

OP posts:

Original poster

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 12:20

thanks artvandelay. i think one lesson is not to start a thread on a phone!

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 27/12/2011 12:49

Goldbow - Nobody made me Queen, it's not a job I'd want thanks. I simply made a comment that people could do with showing a bit of support. I hadn't even read your post when I wrote mine - believe it or not, the world doesn't revolve around you. As it happens I thought your post was nice & supportive. I was referring to the people who were saying the OP was being pathetic/controlling/ridiculous and should just enjoy her own company rah rah rah without even considering her Nan died 3 days ago or the fact that her PIL were being incredibly rude.

iCANdothisiCAN · 27/12/2011 13:11

I'm sorry to say this but I'm really upset reading this.

How can anyone say it is unreasonable to grieve for a GP? I don't think I've heard anything so vile in a long time. I'm quite sure the op is "grateful she had her" into her adulthood which imo is even more reason to be upset at her passing.

Of course her dp is free to do whatever he chooses but 3 days after the passing of my GP I would be really hurt if my H didn't choose to spend his time with me.

His parents are of course being inconsiderate but that is really beside the point. Surely it is in no way unreasonable for her DP to say to his parents "ordinarily I would love to come but as you know gmil passed 3 days ago and Santiemaggie is very upset so I would rather not spend my last day off apart from her. Obviously I want to spend time with you whilst you're here too so let's all spend the afternoon together as planned, we can go to a match next time."

IMO it is her DP who is BU, not for wanting to see his parents but for being bloody inconsiderate.

OP you have my deepest sympathy, I still have my nanna and appreciate every day I have with her. I know I will be absolutely devastated when she goes. The fact that she lived a long and happy life will of course be a comfort but will in no way diminish my grief. No logic can do that.

Wanting your partner close is absolutely understandable. Of course he is free to do as he wishes and maybe it is a bit selfish but wanting him with you is completely normal.

I will be thinking if you today x

HowAboutAHotCupOfShutTheHellUp · 27/12/2011 13:14

I cant blv you are being criticised for feeling like you do about your nan's recent death. Both my sister and I are extremely close to our grandmother; we will be utterly devastated when she dies.

Thebrighteststar · 27/12/2011 15:16

YABU

Original poster

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 16:34

Well DP went and said MIL and others who weren't going to the match had gone out so I couldn't have stayed there anyway.

And PIL were going to be around for us to see them over new year but are going home before new year now.

Ho hum...

OP posts:

3cutedarlings · 27/12/2011 16:56

OP YANBU!! I actually cannot believe how bloody harsh some wankers people on here have been.

If your PIL wanted to see their son so badly they would not have made other plans! (A FOOTBALL MATCH!! WFT?) you have every right to grieve your grandmother, and not be around other people while you do so! I get (as you do) why your DH would want to see his parents before they travel home, but seeing as they show little interest in making any effort themselves, i can see why you'd felt the need to post this.

Im sorry for the loss of your Nan, i hope you have a better year next year.

OberonTheHopeful · 27/12/2011 16:58

SantieMaggie, I'm really sorry for your loss :(.

There's no such thing as a typical grief reaction, it is individual to us all. With some it can mean a temporary, but very deep, need to be with those we are close to as much as possible. It can be difficult to articulate this to those who don't feel it without coming across as over needy.

Under the circumstances your DP seems to have made a workable compromise, but really your PIL are being unreasonable in changing their plans at short notice. I think it's impolite anyway, but especially given your recent bereavement.

Original poster

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 17:05

Thank you :)

Feeling better than I did this morning - not sure why I was so worked up this morning but I was fine once he left.

He's not though - he's had a good time at the match but cross that they've got back for 'meal' and the others aren't there...

OP posts:

EauDeLaPoisson · 28/12/2011 01:07

Chipping YES I have had a grandparent die- my beloved grandad died on the 17th and I had my DHs support but they don't need to be by your side each and everyday as heartbreaking as it is. Also his parents live abroad so why shouldn't he want to spend as much time as he can with them?
I do hate the way people on here assume if you make a comment which conflicts with the general consensus/ops opinion you 'have no idea what it's like'

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2011 01:59

I hate the way that some people think that because they didn't need their DH by their side that no one else should either or that because they weren't devastated by their GP dying no one else should be

His parents live overseas - so what? They were invited to the OP's house and were staying for dinner. They were going to see their son almost exclusively - instead they wanted him to travel to them to go and see the footy with his Dad & others and exclude the OP. It is not the OP that is being unreasonable.

EauDeLaPoisson · 28/12/2011 06:03

How the frig do you know I wasn't devastated? Oh yeah- you don't but thanks for assuming you have a clue how I feel about it all.
The OP has asked if she was being unreasonable therefore inviting opinion. This is mine. It does not mean I loved or am grieving the loss of my grandparent any less

Gargula · 28/12/2011 06:22

He has issues with the noise you make when you eat??

I would be dealing with your relationship with you partner rather than your inlaws.

runningwilde · 28/12/2011 06:45

It does sound unreasonable of you considering they live abroad, but - with some more backstory - that they have been here for two months and not really seen him, etc, I can understand why you are annoyed.

But, grit your teeth and find something to do for a few hours, maybe your dh could get back a little earlier?

Flimflammery · 28/12/2011 06:56

OP - please post on the Bereavement topic about your nan. You will be treated with some understanding there, and not told that you're being 'pathetic', 'tragic' or 'needy' or that you're not allowed to feel like you want your DP close when you're feeling vulnerable. I'm frankly shocked at some of the responses you've had on here. I'm sorry for your loss.

And by the way, YANBU. The PILs sound like they're just suiting themselves.

Original poster

SantieMaggie · 28/12/2011 09:19

he has a problem with all eating noises not just mine - you should see him around dns who are too young to do anything about it!

he went to football and i watched some girly films and i wasn't as lonely as i thought.

he's back at work today so i'm going to do more of the same!

flimflammery - thank you. its actually made me laugh this morning to see those words describing me. couldn't be farther from the truth!

OP posts:

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