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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want dp to leave me on my own today

94 replies

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 10:26

today is dps last day off but i'm off for yhe whole two weeks.

pil are staying with relatives 20 miles away for the xmas period as they live abroad.

pil were supposed to be coming to us early afternoon today but we got a message last night to say it would now be the evening as fil wants to go do something else this afternoon.

dp was then invited to go with him so will be gone for about 3 hours.

now there is a meal at the relatives after and pil have asked him to stay for so will be gone from lunchtime til later tonight.

so i'm now feeling pissed off cos my plan to cook a meal for me and dp has gone out the window and they keep changing plans. this last change means i'm now going to be on my own.

my nan died just before xmas and i just want dp as close as poss. i could go with them this afternoon and then to meal says dp (not that i've been invited) but its a blokes outing. or he says i could wait for him at relatives with mil and others and have meal with them (again his suggestion not theirs) when i'm feeling low and don't really relish the idea of beung on my own with them for 3 hours.

they're not bad pil but the constant change of plans and lack of considrration that we might already have plans is getting on my nerves. nornally i give in because dp doesn't see them much.

so he doesn't know what to do and i don't want to tell him not to go but don't want him running around after them all day/eve leaving me here alone.

OP posts:
ThatsNotSantasBabyBelly · 27/12/2011 11:33

In her second post OP says that the meal she was going to cook was for the PIL's too

Limejelly · 27/12/2011 11:34

Why is it pathetic for the OP to feel a bit down and lonely??! You can't help how you feel! I can completely understand by reading her posts why she feels that way.

However...

OP I think you need to not make your DP feel guilty, he obviously already feels bad or wouldn't be trying to think of different solutions to keep everyone happy.

So YANBU to feel how you do, but YABU to project those feelings onto your DP because it's not really his fault.

GnomeDePlume · 27/12/2011 11:34

YANBU

Accepting invitations then changing your mind basically because you have thought of something better to do is just plain rude. Then inviting your DP along to this new activity with no thought to the OP just makes it worse.

Having been an expat myself I know that this is not an excuse. These people have been here for two months. I guess that the match wasnt suddenly convened at the last minute. Proper plans could have been made. It is just that some people are inconsiderate and disorganised and expect others to pick up the pieces.

Not sure what the solution is OP. I guess that in your shoes I would step back but would at some point when feeling a bit less hurt remind DP that his first prioity is his immediate family/partnership not parents and that a lack of consideration is hurtful.

Original poster
SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 11:36

as i said i normally like time on my own but i've had a shit year culminating in my nan dying the day before xmas and up until xmas day i hadn't seen much of dp for weeks.

if anything i have more of a life than him.

storminamanger has it spot on. i'm not feeling myself.

OP posts:
DingDongQuintessentialNight · 27/12/2011 11:37

I have read this thread with raised eyebrows, as I cannot quite believe that so much palaver can be made out of ONE day where plans keep changing.

You dont know how lucky you are if you have grown to adulthood and have had your nan around all that time. For an adult to mourn the loss of a grandparent to the extent that her husband has to stay close and not see his own family, amazes me.

Do you have children? You dont mention children, so I assume not.

DingDongQuintessentialNight · 27/12/2011 11:38

Btw, your inlaws seem rude and inconsiderate in the extreme. But there is nothing you can do about that.

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 11:38

He has considered her though Gnome he's offered for her to spend the evening with them to try to find a solution. OK they've changed plans that's rude but what would happen if a mate called and asked if he could go down the pub? Would that be allowed or not as not planned and to schedule. Plans change all of the time, a supportive partner would just say sure, there are only here for a couple of months, go and enjoy yourself.

I wonder why the IL's seem to want to avoid her or not spend any time with her though, that's odd.

pictish · 27/12/2011 11:39

You dont know how lucky you are if you have grown to adulthood and have had your nan around all that time. For an adult to mourn the loss of a grandparent to the extent that her husband has to stay close and not see his own family, amazes me

I agree.

Limejelly · 27/12/2011 11:39

sitandnatter Like the OP Christmas is also the one holiday that me and my DP are off at the same time (apart from Sundays). Not every profession allows you to pick when you have time off, there is nothing 'weird' about it.

Hmm
Original poster
SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 11:51

he used most of his leave going to see his parents hence why he hasn't got xmas off. and due to when they wanted him to go he went alone mostly because i couldn't get time off work. we've had 2 weeks off together this year one on our own and one at his parents. i also have to use leave for various medical appts. weekends are always hectic and he spends most of it on xbox or football. we both work long hours so a week can easily go by without us really talking.

i'm not making him feel guilty. thats why i'm venting on here!

i appreciate that i may be bu but i never said i don't want him to not see his parents.

gnome has hit the nail on the head. they're disorganised to dpo when they come over. it hurts to see him be mucked around by them.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2011 11:51

After reading all your additional posts, I think actually YANBU

I didn't realise they had been here for 2 months! And haven't been too bothered to spend time with DP.

I think your DP should have kept plans to see them later on but declined going to watch the football. It's your last day of holiday together and that seems a fair split of time.

I also think some of the posters here are being way too harsh. Really, it's not okay to still be mourning a grandparent 3 days after they've died, just because you're an adult? FFS Hmm

ThompsonTwins · 27/12/2011 11:51

Sorry to hear about today OP, not good to have arrangements changed without warning. However, you do have options - to go and spend time with ILs or to stay home. I am home alone, too but have no choice - everyone I know is with family or friends and invitations to people who don't have anyone to be with just dry up. I am going to watch films I want to watch, when I wish to do so and eat what I like brandy butter with a spoon straight from the bowl and probably get rather drunk. Hope you get through it OK. You are obviously sensitive. The best lesson I ever learnt in life was to depend on myself before I depend on anyone else. I don't let me down and am always there. Hugs.
Tomorrow is another day. It might be worse, but at least it will be different.

dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2011 11:54

'weekends are always hectic and he spends most of it on xbox or football. we both work long hours so a week can easily go by without us really talking.'

I have a feeling this is a major reason why you are taking things ill today as well. Any plans to tackle this in the new year?

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 11:55

Lime The point being that his parents genuinely don't see him as they're not even in the same country, she lives with him. I also don't believe that this is the only time they get off together particularly when there are no children to juggle in the equation, that days off and holidays can't be coincided AT ALL. It's hyperbole for sympathy but it doesn't make sense.

To be fair I now think she may be feeling fragile, she says she's not herself, but the DP does seem to bend over backwards for her, making up to her for stuff that isn't his fault, offering compromises etc. and she feels she can stop him from going to see his parents even though it might be his last chance before they go home (he's going back to work tomorrow).

I'd just be careful about how much I'd try to control a partner, I wouldn't dream of considering stopping him, or making him feel so bad he didn't go to see his parents. I know it's morbid but what if in the next year before he sees them again, if anything happened to one of them, how would he feel.

I'd have to be a grown up about it, give him my blessing and tell him to have fun, that I'd be waiting for him when he got home so don't get too drunk. Then get the chocs out.

ageperfect · 27/12/2011 11:58

Why you don't go or am i missing something????Xmas Confused

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 27/12/2011 11:58

OP - YANBU & I really don't see why you are getting such a hard time :(

Your PIL have been inconsiderate & rude. They have changed plans & now have excluded you when you had already arranged to cook a meal for them. They have been here 2 months and have hardly seen your DP due to other things they'd rather do (shop & watch soaps) - it's not like it's a fleeting visit to the UK (or wherever you live) and it's today or not at all.

I can understand that only 3 days after your Nan dying you'd rather not be alone. Some people are closer to their GP's than their parents and I doubt anyone would say you shouldn't be so affected by a parents death?!

I think your DP is being inconsiderate to even think about going or to drag you there with him, your Nan has just died, he should be there for you. His parents had the option of coming to you, so it wasn't even as if it meant he couldn't see them... I can see why you are upset at them changing their plans and your DP just going along with what they want and not considering your feelings.

goldbow · 27/12/2011 11:59

Sorry about your Nan. Sad You sound very low and sad, I totally get why you want DH near. I think you should give him your blessing to go, then have a lovley afternoon on your own, hot bath, book, mumsnet? I am guessing you don't have Dcs yet.

Original poster
SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 12:01

its my last gp to die and the sitiation is complicated because of my dad leaving us i was never really treated like a gc and watching her decline over the past months has not been easy. my head is fucked to put.it bluntly. i've had to deal with family that i haven't had any contact with for years. i'm also missing my mums parents who died a long time ago.

i have a lot of friends who i know are there for me but i struggle to be upset with other people even those close friends that i've known for 30 years.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 12:03

I always prefer casual plans that are not set in stone.
I would either have a lovely time on my own and treat myself or just phone up MIL and invite myself.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 27/12/2011 12:03

ageperfect - her Nan has just died, she wants to be at home. She wasn't actually invited to go either, not to mention that she doesn't even really know the relatives whose house it is - that she would have to spend all afternoon in, without her DP who will be out at the footy... seems perfectly reasonable to me that she doesn't want to go.

ILoveSanta · 27/12/2011 12:05

I can't believe some people on here are berating you for mourning your nan!

When my maternal GP die, I shall be in mourning for weeks as I am very close to them!

Nothing strange about it at all to want support from your OH at a time like that!

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 27/12/2011 12:06

I wonder if any of you who are saying 'just have a lovely time on your own' have ever had a parent/close grandparent die? It was 3 days ago. A little support wouldn't go amiss.

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 12:09

How are weekends hectic if he spends all of them on Xbox, perhaps that's something you need to look at when you're feeling stronger.

goldbow · 27/12/2011 12:11

Well chipping I was trying to be supportive. Angry Who died and made you Queen?

Original poster
SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 12:14

no dcs yet... health problems mean we have to wait to ttc.

we cant afford for me to go to the match (fil is paying for dp) and i'll have no way to get there to meet him later. i don't feel like being around people i'm not close to on my own for hours.

he doesn't know i think/feel half the stuff on here and i wouldn't try to control him and whether he sees his parents.

i don't control him. if anyrhing i try to encourage him to go out more usually.

i know all this is because of my head being messed up at the moment and i know half of it isn't logical.

work has been really pressured for us both in recent months so we haven't seen much of each other.

he has my blessing to go. he always did i just felt lonely about it.

OP posts: