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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I can't eat too much Christmas lunch, I'm too full of pringles". WTAF?!!

290 replies

Flubba · 27/12/2011 07:01

Okay, so custy clearly wins on the shit Christmas front, but I'd like to hear your crappy Christmas stories. It'd give me good cheer! Xmas Grin

Mine was the line "I can't eat too much Chritsmas lunch, I'm too full of pringles " from my FIL after I'd been preparing and cooking all fecking morning and then some. Xmas Angry Xmas Hmm

for the sake of those getting their Christmas knickers in a twist about this not being an AIBU Xmas Wink, here goes...

OP posts:
Megatron · 04/01/2012 15:01

Chipping sorry I should have said, DH did send the text but she didn't reply. FIL said she did get it though. I suppose I just don't want things to get any worse and I don't want the children to miss out on a relationship with her because she's being so bloody minded. FIL coming round again later so I'll have a chat with him. He's so lovely and I worry that he's getting a lot of grief from her and getting stressed about the situation. I will not back down on this one though.

keSnowBi · 04/01/2012 15:04

Bravo to your DH mega. Was it as STBG suggested?

Megatron · 04/01/2012 15:10

Pretty much, though he added a couple of other bits in too saying that he believed that she knew exactly what she was doing and it was in no way a misunderstanding. That probably sent her over the edge! Smile

minouminou · 04/01/2012 15:56

Ahem. My main pressie from the PILs was a lovely knitted tunic type top from White Stuff, in a Sarah Lund stylee.
Lovely....but it's a size 12, and I am an 8.

MIL explained that the receipt was in the bag in case I either didn't like it or it was the wrong size. I was really direct but upbeat in saying I liked it (which I do), but that I would indeed have to exchange it as it was the wrong size.

She looked me up and down and said "Why, do you need a larger one?"

Ahem.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 04/01/2012 19:28

Megatron well done to your DH :) Honestly, this is going to be so much better if you don't ring and DH doesn't go around. Sure, it might resolve it a bit more quickly if he does because he will cave into her, it will be incredibly hard not to and if by some chance he doesn't, it will make it worse because she will think her tantruming and refusing to apologise will get her what she wants.

As for their relationship, that's up your MIL & FIL to deal with. I know you want to minimise the fall out for your FIL and that's completely understandable, but there comes a time where you have to put you, your DH & your kids first - this is that time.

As for your kids - I know you want them to have a relationship with her but do you want them to have one where she respects you or treats you like crap? Do you want them to grow up seeing her walk all over you and create dramas like Boxing Day? I'm guessing not. Therefore put your foot down now and make her see you will absolutely not tolerate this.

MinnieBar · 05/01/2012 07:22

Oh bravo Megatron's DH - you too, of course, but this is a major step and indeed turning point isn't it, actually standing up to her and calling her directly on her appalling behaviour.
I think she will back down, but that it will take a while, and that she'll probably be none too gracious about it. She's had years of behaving like this without any consequences and now, wham, she might not get to see her GCs because of her own character and her own choices.
Absolutely the right thing to happen, but a bitter pill to swallow and a hard thing to accept about oneself I should think.

clam · 05/01/2012 08:09

Ah megatron I see she's pulling the victim "I'm not allowed to see my grandchildren" card.
Someone needs to remind her that she's perfectly able to see them once she's acknowledged her dreadful behaviour and apologised for it.

dmo · 05/01/2012 08:35

Meg- silence is the best punshment for controling people, if you respond you have taken the bite but if you dont it will drive her mad Grin

Megatron · 05/01/2012 20:56

Right, now I really don't know what to do. FIL has been round this afternoon in a bit of a state about this whole bloody situation. MIL has been in tears all morning and desperately wants to 'resolve the situation'. She told him that she realises she was wrong about Boxing Day and that she really does want to apologise but she just can't. Apparently it's just her way and we (DH and I) should realise that it's just too difficult for her to apologise face to face. She says that she loves us all and misses us and wants to forget the whole thing.

Now, I have felt crap about this for the last 10 days but I feel she is just trying to emotionally blackmail ALL of us now. She's been on the phone to SIL too saying that we won't let her see the children, though fortunately SIL knows that is not the case at all. I really love my father in law, he's a truly lovely, gentle, kind man and has been so thoughtful to me since my dad died. I hate seeing him so upset about this and he's not been that well for the last few months and he doesn't need the stress. I really don't know what to do now, I feel I need to do something for his sake if nothing else. Sad

Oh and I'm really sorry Flubba, I completely hi-jacked your thread. Blush

LydiaWickham · 05/01/2012 21:01

Why can't she appologise? Of course she can, she doesn't want too that's all. Tell FIL that. She is physically capable of coming round and saying "I was stupid, it was wrong, I'm sorry." she is lying if she says otherwise.

chipmonkey · 05/01/2012 21:06

She wantso to apologise but can't?Hmm. Why not? What is it with some people and the "S" word?

Flojo1979 · 05/01/2012 21:11

Your FIL is a grown man, hes been with her presumably a long time, he has chosen to put up with her all these yrs and I suspect if she wasnt fussying about this situation she'd be chewing his ear off about something else anyway. Someone has to clear the air, u cant all go on like this and that someone clearly needs to be MIL. And as for not seeing the kids, shes playing u, its usually the kinda crap blokes come out with to shove the blame on to women for being lousy dads. Its passive aggressive manipulative talk. U havent stopped her seeing the kids, shes still trying to make u feel like u have done something wrong. Shes stopping herself seeing the kids, she has to take responsibility for that, just like your FIL has to take responsibility for marrying the daft bat.

clam · 05/01/2012 21:14

Is this him saying that she wants to but can't, or are those her own words?
I appreciate your dilemma. You want to let it pass for his sake, as he's such a sweetie, but actually, he is enabling her - and has clearly been doing it all their married life. But I guess some would say that it's too late to change her now. I'd disagree, but you're the one who has to live this situation.
Guilt trip!

MinnieBar · 05/01/2012 21:14

I can be one of those people who finds it hard to apologise (in that I want to add a 'yeah, but, you did xyz so that's why' especially even when it's not relevant) but I do still manage to do it. Yes it is hard, but not that hard and the fact that she can admit she's in the wrong but not actually apologise is bonkers. And saying that you all have to accept that 'it's just her way' is cowardly, frankly, and trying to push the responsibility for the situation all onto everyone else.

So sorry you're going through this, but I really do think you're close to breaking her. TBH FIL should have just told her not to be so bloody ridiculous but I imagine after however many years of marriage it's not that simple.

Megatron · 05/01/2012 21:17

FIL says he knows she's a pain in the arse (his words) but he loves her. To be fair he hasn't asked me to go round or anything, he was just talking to me about it. DH not home from work yet and didn't ring to tell him. He will go completely off his head when I tell him. I don't want to sound as petty as her but if I go round there, that's it, she can do what the hell she likes then, it will never stop and my kids will grow up thinking I'm just weak and useless.

Blatherskite · 05/01/2012 21:17

It may be difficult for her to apologise face to face (though I still think she should) but she hasn't tried to apologise in any other way either has she?

She hasn't rung. She hasn't sent a letter. She hasn't sent flowers. She's just sent poor old FIL round - and even then, not to apologise but to tell you that you shouldn't expect her to apologise!!!

Hang in there Megatron. You deserve an apology

LydiaWickham · 05/01/2012 21:27

Hold the line. She will say she's sorry because she's in the wrong.

dawntigga · 05/01/2012 21:43

If you allow this to slide next time will be 100 times more difficult, you feel bad now and you think other people are hurting, next time it will be MUCH WORSE. Take it from somebody who's lived through the toxicity. Stay strong, you have caused NOTHING she has and unless she has some kind of brain damage she can bloody well say she's sorry!!!!!!!!!!

NoteTheAmountOfExclamationMarksTiggaxx

LRDtheFeministDragon · 05/01/2012 22:15

If it is this hard for her to apologize, obviously she needs more practice!

Just reading this with my jaw dropped ... so many rude people!

flubba that comment would have made me ask him if he was 3, sorry, I wouldn't have been able to avoid snapping. So good on you for not doing so!

redwineformethanks · 05/01/2012 22:19

megatron - poor you...........these situations can sometimes grow arms and legs. If she isn't in the habit of apologising, then perhaps an acknowledgement from her that she was in the wrong is quite a big deal? Perhaps you could say to your FIL that you don't want to bang on about it, but you'd appreciate a phone call from her to clear the air? It's a real shame to let this interfere with her relationship with your children

clam · 05/01/2012 22:21

Also, bear in mind that the best way to manipulate people is to be nice to them. So FIL's softly softly approach has brought you closer to capitulating to her than anything else.
What did your DH say?

Moobee · 05/01/2012 22:23

Only a few days ago she was trying to force you into apologising for being oversensitive.

This sounds like progress even though she's still being manipulative. If it's developing into a stalemate of non-contact I might be tempted to speak with her and say something like:

'I understand that you realise your actions on boxing day were hurtful. You were aware that I was cooking dinner for everyone as you checked I knew that SIL was vegetarian. To go out for dinner seemed deliberate - I had spent a long time preparing the dinner as I wanted to do something nice for you. I suggest we move past this but I want you to know that I will not put up with being treated like that now or in future. It is not acceptable.' If she argues, repeat as a broken record, 'you were aware you were invited for dinner. However, let's move past this now.'

You would need to have what your going to say carefully planned (I'd have something written before I phoned) so that it is a warning that you're not a doormat and acknowledges that she was in the wrong but allows future contact. I guess it could make things worse depending on how she might respond - only you know how that is likely to go. It does sound like she wants contact and to move on without having to say the 'S' word so this might allow that (even though she might be fuming at being told off!)

I still think though that she might apologise, she doesn't have to do it in person, it could be with a letter or some other means (probably via FIL by the sounds of it). Waiting for that might work. Good luck!

clam · 05/01/2012 22:24

But redwine what if she phones and faffs about saying stuff like "isn't this daft, let's just forget it" and not actually acknowledging what she did to piss her off. megatron will need to rehearse what to say in various scenarios. At least, I would!

clam · 05/01/2012 22:25

Sorry moobee cross-post.

Doha · 05/01/2012 22:28

Megatron
There in no such word as can't in this situation. It's not that she can't say sorry it is more that she won't say sorry.
You have to hold out here. If you give into her now you are in for a very rough tough time in the future