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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL

122 replies

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 25/12/2011 22:18

Sorry, another in-law one.

Family in law came to visit yesterday. FIL had a cold, and was grumpy. Upset my mum and my sister (refused to move seats so that my mum could sit on the same table as everyone else in the pub, shouted at my sister when she asked him to move)... but my AIBU is this:

AIBU to have words with him over the following?:

We have a very vicious cat. Everyone knows to keep away from her, in fact it had been a point of conversation a few minutes before this episode. FIL hates the fact that he can't win the cat over, and tends to wind her up.

He was playing with DD and a ball, hiding it for her to find it. He made it disappear, and wanted DD (2.5) to find it. She looked and looked and lost enthusiasm, he kept bringing her back to the game, keen for her to find it. Eventually he showed her where he had hidden it. It was under the cat. So he wanted her to disturb a cat that she knew would attack her (often quite badly). I just don't get it. Why would he do that? To his 2 year old granddaughter? Should I/DH bring it up or forget it?

OP posts:
RudolphMinusRedNose · 26/12/2011 15:37

When ever I've had a case of anyone encouraging my DC to do something they know they are not allowed to do - especially if those reason are safety related - the people doing that are in no doubt I'm not happy and it unacceptable behaviour from them and the DCs are praised if they ignore the person and told off if they do what ever it is.

I would have thought a quick word with FIL next visit along lines of: FIL LEAVE the cat alone and do not encourage DD to go near it again not like last time you were here - now who's for coffee.

Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 15:45

Thanks Rudolph, that makes sense. :) So, next time he's here just fleetingly mention it to avoid it happening again.

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 26/12/2011 16:01

But according to you you'd already told him as the viciousness of the cat was a topic of conversation only minutes before he hid the ball under it, so why would having a fleeting mention next time make any difference at all? Xmas Confused.

Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 16:06

No, a mention to specifically ask him not to encourage DD from winding her up, and to show that I am not happy with what he did, but avoiding a big issue of it (ie. ringing him now to complain).

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/12/2011 16:08

Why I don't get is why you didn't say something at the time? Confused

What's wrong with saying, "No FIL, don't encourage her to get the ball from under the cat. Remember it's vicious"

sitandnatter · 26/12/2011 16:11

Well you've lost me. According to your posts everyone already knows not to disturb the cat for fear it will attack and the FIL specifically FIL hates the fact that he can't win the cat over, and tends to wind her up. despite the conversation you'd just had he still wound the cat up just minutes later.

Still if you think a fleeting mention will help after you'd had a whole conversation about not winding the viicous cat up and that didn't, then good luck to you for your toddler's sake. Personally I'd just put the cat out next time he visits, it seems far less risky and more effective.

Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 16:20

I have no idea why I didn't say anything at the time. DH wasn't there - he certainly would have. I supposed I was shocked, as I know FIL knew what he was doing. He had been trying to wind me up previously by using DD, and I was quite close to snapping already (kept throwing the ball around the room, getting DD very excited, when I had reminded them lots of times that we don't throw indoors, the ball narrowly missed the baby, I was starting to get stroppy and he knew it).

This seems a bit drip-feedy, sorry. I suppose I am just very cross with FIL, and on thinking about it after the event, the whole thing seems a bit twisted. At the time it was irritating and shocking, but now I think about it more, I realise I have seen a really nasty side of FIL that I simply don't understand.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 16:21

Sorry, 'stroppy' is the wrong word here. Unhappy is more appropriate. Or annoyed.

OP posts:
PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 26/12/2011 16:23

FIL sounds terrible, like a big child. I've met your cat, she's OK if you avoid her and don't make a fuss. It all sounds very nasty to be honest. Has he always been like this?

Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 16:31

Hi! :) Did you have a good Christmas?

You have indeed met my cat. Were you warned upon arrival not to go near her? I imagine so, and you and DS were both fine? But you knew not to hide toys under her, right?!

He has an odd side to him, that's for sure, but I've never known him to be like this. It just seems like he was using DD to make a point or something (a bit confused myself!)

OP posts:
Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 16:32

You don't think I need to rehome the cat, do you Belle?

OP posts:
PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 26/12/2011 16:37

I spent most of the day cooking the bloody goose! We're eating out next year. Xmas Grin There's no way I'd put toys underneith her, that's a rediculous thing to do. I don't think she needs rehoming, she was fine with ds and I. She did get a little angry (just hissed) when ds tried to stroke her so he moved away, then she went and sat next to him. Confused She just lays on the sofa and lets the world pass her by. I can't remember if you said whether you've taken her to a cat behaviour person?

Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 16:46

Do they exist?! She's been to the vet to make sure it's nothing physical, it isn't. She was a rescue cat and has clearly been treated badly by someone along the way. She's fine but doesn't like to be touched.

Goose sounds extravagant! DH did our food, DSis did the clearing up, I had a lovely lazy day. :) Hope DS enjoyed himself?

OP posts:
sitandnatter · 26/12/2011 16:51

"She's fine" v "she's a very vicious cat"

Which one OP?

You have described situations where any ordinary cat gets "hissy and pissy" as I call it, getting put into cat box for example, but that doesn't make her "very vicious".

You say you have to warn people to leave her alone, but she's fine? I don't have to do that with my cats, do you think she's very vicious and your FIL is a nutter or is the cat as you now say fine? Xmas Confused

PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 26/12/2011 16:53

Yes, my neighbour used one when he cat resorted to using her bed as a toilet whenever she went away for the weekend. Your cat's probably too afraid of being touched incase she's hurt. Sad

Goose was massive and very heavy. I spent a good couple of hours cleaning up the fat which I spilt as I tried to get it out of the oven. I won't be doing that again! It was nice though, tasted like mild roast beef. A bottle of fizzy juice overflowed all over the floor when I opened it aswell so I really did spend most of the day cleaning. Ds had fun, said it was his best Christmas yet. I'm now very stuck for ideas for next year. This years presents were all related to animation, so a camera, books, plastercine and a make your own morph which is rather cool. Grin I'm pleased you had a lovely day despite FIL.

Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 16:58

Both, sit. Fine when left alone, vicious when messed with. Very angry, more than any other cat I've met, but not likely to maim unprovoked.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 17:05

Sounds brilliant Belle, bet he loved his presents. :)

OP posts:
PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 26/12/2011 17:08

Smile He did. The load of chocolate was a bit of a mistake though, he'll need some help eating it all. Wink

Google animal behaviour people and see what you come up with.

jamdonut · 26/12/2011 17:15

Our cat (which we got as a kitten through Cats Protection), when it was younger, would often jump out from nowhere and sink his teeth/claws into you...or he got this look in his eyes...you just learned not to go out of your way to touch him, and friends and family were warned not to go out of their way to put their hands down to him , even when he rubs up against your legs. (Although he would usually let me pick him up or stroke him). He's 8 now and has calmed down, and will even let my daughter (she's 15 now) pick him up. But you still have to be on your guard...my husband doesn't like the cat, but I wouldn't get rid of him,(the cat that is !!!) For all his faults, he's part of the family, and, therefore , for life.

I cannot understand people having dogs when there are small children in the house ,though . Dogs do not like the noises that small children make, it makes them anxious.

As for your FIL...I wouldn't have him around again any time soon.

Pursang · 26/12/2011 17:30

YANBU. We also have one violent cat, and 3 non-violent ones, and have 2 DC under 2. Never had any issues - kids don't touch scary one, and he keeps out of their way. Bollocks do you need to rehome. Your FIL sounds like a prick btw.

tabulahrasa · 26/12/2011 21:41

I was bitten today by one of the amiable cats I mentioned earlier...she lay on top of my cigarettes (I didn't hide them under her, lol), I went under her to get to them so she bit me...it's kind of what cats do.

midori1999 · 26/12/2011 22:34

You can find a cat behaviourist on the association of pet behaviour counsellors website. If you have insurance it may cover the cost.

YANBU and I wouldn't rehome the cat either.

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