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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FIL

122 replies

LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 25/12/2011 22:18

Sorry, another in-law one.

Family in law came to visit yesterday. FIL had a cold, and was grumpy. Upset my mum and my sister (refused to move seats so that my mum could sit on the same table as everyone else in the pub, shouted at my sister when she asked him to move)... but my AIBU is this:

AIBU to have words with him over the following?:

We have a very vicious cat. Everyone knows to keep away from her, in fact it had been a point of conversation a few minutes before this episode. FIL hates the fact that he can't win the cat over, and tends to wind her up.

He was playing with DD and a ball, hiding it for her to find it. He made it disappear, and wanted DD (2.5) to find it. She looked and looked and lost enthusiasm, he kept bringing her back to the game, keen for her to find it. Eventually he showed her where he had hidden it. It was under the cat. So he wanted her to disturb a cat that she knew would attack her (often quite badly). I just don't get it. Why would he do that? To his 2 year old granddaughter? Should I/DH bring it up or forget it?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 25/12/2011 22:49

But op had already stated the cat has scratched her dd before and I just cant understand why people would risk it with a cat they know is violent? Surely the child's safety has to be main priority?

And I struggle to beleive toddler and cat both know to stay away from each other all the time!

StewieGriffinsMom · 25/12/2011 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 25/12/2011 23:20
  1. What does FFA mean?
  2. PA? How?
  3. Not making it up at all, sadly.
  4. The life of a sentient being which I, in a funny way, love) is more important to me that the possibility of someone getting scratched.
  5. They do keep out of each others' way. Fact.
OP posts:
Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 25/12/2011 23:21
  1. I had to look up the spelling of vicious. I want it to have another s.
OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 26/12/2011 01:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 01:40

I know what PA is, but I'm not keeping the cat simply to antagonise FIL!

OP posts:
SmegmaNotJustForChristmas · 26/12/2011 01:49

TSC do you keep knives in the house with your toddlers? Despite knowing they're dangerous?

Is that because you assume as the adult in charge you can keep the two separate? Wouldn't you be upset if you FIL then placed a toy under a knife and then lured your kid to find it?

I have things in my home which are for adults. The op has a hateful cat which is not for kids she is not being passive aggressive to expect her fil to not try and her kid maimed.

OP YANBU, but I would have words about the way he spoke to your mother first, (although I kind of want to know why your dh didnt first offer his chair)

Devilforasideboard · 26/12/2011 01:49

What Endo and Stewie said. My dad and my FIL both think it's acceptable to bark at my unfortunatelywellbehaved cats and I wish to god they'd suddenly develop a vicious streak (the cats not the dads).

Original poster
LoopyLoopsWoopDeWoops · 26/12/2011 01:51

DH was sorting out the baby. :)

OP posts:
LordOfTheFlies · 26/12/2011 01:53

That would really annoy me TBH. It's like putting the ball behind the radiator so that your DC would burn themselves. You just wouldn't

And why would anyone disturb a sleeping animal? (Any animal, not just one who is likely to bite you for your pains)

FWIW our moggie, (we got in 1990, got DS in 1999) wasn't enamoured of children- she would've been 11+ when we had DS.
She tended to walk away but did scratch DS when he annoyed her (I moved him away, physically four times.He kept going back.She was in the understairs cupboard)

I would definately say something to FIL.Does he want her to get harmed. If so, WHY?

yellowraincoat · 26/12/2011 02:36

OH GOD, this reminds me of my dad. He once flicked a lit cigarette onto a sand castle my brother was building: my brother didn't know it would be hot, and my dad laughed uproariously when my brother picked it up and burned himself. He also once gave me a sip of what I thought was beer but was actually whisky when I was about 10, made me sick.

Twats like this are bloody idiots and I'd keep him away from your child til he learns how to act.

TopazMortmain · 26/12/2011 07:33

How did you FIL get the ball under the cat without being mauled scratched?

LovesBloominChristmas · 26/12/2011 08:18

Did you know where he had hidden the ball?

TheSecondComing · 26/12/2011 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iggly · 26/12/2011 08:35

Why own a cat that you all have to steer clear of? Does it pay the mortgage? Confused

My mum had a cat when we were a similar age to your DD. It scratched me and even now I'm scared of the fuckers.

Kalypso · 26/12/2011 09:21

When I was a child, we had a cat that would scratch if you weren't careful - he didn't like his tummy, tail or paws being touched, and hated you looking closely in his face. We learned very quickly to respect him and I think it taught us a good lesson: not all animals appreciate being cuddled and carted around like soft toys (it took me a good few scratches to get though; my fault, not his!). He was actually a very loving and rewarding cat. He became a lot more docile in his older years.

I don't think it would be that difficult for your FIL to get the ball under the cat. He was probably rolling it towards the cat to get him the play, and the cat attacked it (doing that funny thing where they start kicking it with their back legs!) and it rolled under the cat. I can imagine the cat then sitting smugly looking at your FIL as if to say "You want it back? You just try it!".

Is it possible your FIL just found this funny and thought your DD might get a surprise/laugh to realise the ball was under the cat? Surely it's unlikely that he actually intended her to try and get it back and consequently get hurt? Is this something that would be in character for him? Or do you think it more likely that he'd have stepped in if she showed any signs of trying to get the ball? (which he probably assumed she wouldn't, because she knows to keep away from the cat.) I don't know. I suppose if he has a history of this sort of thing, then I'd be more suspicious, but if it's a one-off I'd probably leave it.

FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 26/12/2011 09:25

Death by cat!

FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 26/12/2011 09:27

I think it is seriously.over thinking things to suggest he deliberately put ball under demon cat so your DD would get scratched, was clearly a silly game.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 26/12/2011 09:30

We had an unpredictable cat when DD was little. She got a bit scratched once when she disturbed her when told not to. Cat and DD lived peacefully along side each other until cat died of old age when she was 15.

I'd get your DH to speak to FIL seeing as he is his Dad and make it clear his behaviour was out of order on a number of levels and he won't be coming to your house again unless he behaves differently.

post · 26/12/2011 09:34

My friends have a huge vicious cat, which their children adore. this cat attacked their ds when he was about 4 and sleeping.
I was chatting to him and his sister about it about a year or so after that attack, and they were both adamant that he was fine and lovely, but of course you shouldn't touch him when he was sleeping, or eating or (pause) looking at you...

tabulahrasa · 26/12/2011 09:34

I've got two fairly amiable cats, as cats go - you still all end up with scratches, it pretty much goes along with owning cats, you don't rehome cats just for being cats Hmm

I can pick one of mine up and carry her round on her back like a baby if I'm in the mood to - I stilll wouldn't hide a ball under her for a small child to fetch in case she objected.

WorkingClassMum · 26/12/2011 09:40

IMO (FWIW) - it's your DH's job to confront/speak to HIS father.

Unless someone takes him to task over his bad attitude and his care-less attitude towards his GD he'll continue to think he can be rude to whomever he dis/likes and he can set your DC up for harm whenever the whim takes him.

sweetsantababy · 26/12/2011 09:47

Shock Get rid of the cat. Who has a cat that could attack a child badly in there house? FIL sounds like an arse.

xmasmummytobe · 26/12/2011 10:10

I'm assuming we're talking bad tempered domestic cat not hand raised biug cat like a tiger/lion/cheetah? I've lived in Africa for many years and heard of wild animals that are hand raised, being kept as pets and killing young children, not heard so much of that happening with domestic cats though, I'd assume worst attacks are a couple of scratches. Having cats myself I've not found many that hang around when they get pissed off, normally a "fuck off and leave me alone" couple of swipes but not remembered any hanging around to do finish the job.

On the assumption we're talking bad tempered domestic cats, to all of you telling OP to rehome her cat, do you plan on keeping your children away from all animals? I've grown up always having a mass amount of different pets, I learnt very quickly that you can't do what you want with whatever you want, you piss off the cat you get scratched and there's only so much tail pulling any dog will take before you get a fuck off nip.

As for FIL he sounds like one of those really irritating pricks that you say please don't do something and he will make a point of doing it to show you you are wrong and he can do it. I'd rehome him, seriously though maybe DP/DH could have a word but I wouldn't be surprised if FIL decides in his mind YABU as he seems like someone who doesn't think he ever does anything wrong.

DeeOfTheNorthPole · 26/12/2011 10:19

My parents had an 'evil cat' when I was little. I distinctly remember playing a game where I ran round the living room and prodded said cat each time I went by it. On the third time it scratched my arm. Was my own fault and didn't do it again. Also well done to my mum for not believing my "I wasn't doing anything and it went for me...." line Wink.

Agree FIL sounds like a div though. Wouldn't bother bringing it up with him. Just ignore and keep an eye out for this sort of thing happening again then address it at the time. Don't think bringing it up after the event is going to work with this guy...