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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop paying DS1's rent

85 replies

everydayisabluesday · 22/12/2011 13:32

DS1 is 21 and in third year of uni (4 year course). I have always paid his rent to help him out.

Since at uni his communication with us has gone from sporadic to more or less non existent. He never answers his phone, nor replies to texts or emails. We have not had any arguements, and as far as I know have not upset him.

Since the summer we had a briefy visit (2 days in Aug), a text in Oct (2 days before the quarterly rent was due) and he sent a message last week to DD1 saying he would be back last weekend and has not turned up yet. Given his previous patterns of communication, this is unlikely to be because something is wrong, he has just had a better offer and can't be bothered to let us know. Since his non-arrival, I have had to deal with the disappointment of my other DC who were looking forward to seeing him.

I'm not a helicopter parent. I don't want be friends on FB or have daily updates on what he is doing. I would like a text or email every 2 or 3 weeks saying is alive and well.

His rent is due early Jan, shall I tell him that if he can't be bothered to keep in touch he is own his own?

OP posts:
coraltoes · 22/12/2011 13:34

What the hell?! You pay his rent, and he hasn't got the fucking decency to speak to you since OCTOBER?! I wouldn't be cutting just his money. He is clearly ungrateful, uncaring and easily old enough to pay his own way using his student loan.

TartyMcFalalalalalalalalarty · 22/12/2011 13:36

YABU to say so from January as he has probably pissed the money away on other stuff, but if you gave him more notice, say the next quarter, that would be fair.

That said, he may resent this forever more.

hellhasnofury · 22/12/2011 13:36

I can see why you feel the way you do but I don't think not paying his rent will change how he behaves toward you and the rest of the family.

MissJanuary · 22/12/2011 13:36

Aaah to be 21 and carefree again - I was a nightamre at that age in the same way - spent much more time with friends than family.

I think it would BU to stop paying the rent just like that, but he does need to pay a bit more time and respect to you for doing so.

DonkeyTeapot · 22/12/2011 13:36

It might be a bit short notice for that - I assume he won't have the money to pay it himself? How about telling him that January's rent is the last you'll pay, so that he has some time to find work and take over his own rent.

It does sound like he's just got so used to you paying it that he considers it a given. He could certainly show some appreciation.

nectarina · 22/12/2011 13:37

Yanbu

ImperialBlether · 22/12/2011 13:39

OP, why do you think this has happened? Does he love being at university and have a great set of friends? Is it likely he's met a girl and hasn't left his room for months?

Has he ever had a problem with depression?

slavetofilofax · 22/12/2011 13:39

YWBU to tell him that you won't pay January's rent without any warning.

But it would be ok for you to tall him that unless he starts to be a little more considerate to your feelings and those of his siblings, then you will not pay the next time.

Think about it carefully though, the fact that he hasn't been in touch is sad for you, but it is also a sign that you have raised an emotionally independant adult. At the moment he will be far more concerned with friends and girlfrinds and probably alcohol than he will about his family, but that's because he feels secure in the knowledge that you love him and will always be there when he needs you. This is only a small part of his life, beware of doing anything that could cause long term damage to the relationship you have with him.

Pandemoniaa · 22/12/2011 13:40

I'd not stop paying his rent just yet since it is likely to make him even less inclined to keep in touch but I think you do need to have a sensible conversation about communication and your expectations of him in this respect.

It isn't unreasonable, especially when receiving financial support at university, to have some contact with whoever is keeping you in the happy position of living rent-free.

ImperialBlether · 22/12/2011 13:40

coraltoes, I don't know the OP's financial position but if you earn over a certain amount you are meant to pay towards their time at university. Maybe the OP pays the rent in respect of that.

squeakytoy · 22/12/2011 13:42

Why on earth are you paying his rent anyway?

Let him find a part time job and pay it himself.

coraltoes · 22/12/2011 13:42

Imperial, I think all students can request a loan... Jesus it has been nearly ten yrs since I graduated. Feeling old now!! Can barely recall how the system works!

Babaj · 22/12/2011 13:43

I'm 21, got pregnant in my second year of uni, finished it and am now taking a gap year and finishing my third year next year.
I can tell you that I spoke to my parents about three times in two years (apart for xmas). Living in halls in first year everyone goes home, but in second third and fourth years, people tend to live in couples or with friends and would rather stay there at weekends, as well as having tonnes of work!
I think YABU as I know how hard it is getting by on a student loan! It's not enough to pay rent trust me! But he does need to learn to appreciate that you pay it for him, I reckon you threaten the non payment in january, just to scare him.
As for not seeing you and your other DC's, he won't be like that forever, it's only since my DS that I'm close to my family again!

moondog · 22/12/2011 13:44

That's unbelievable.

lels99 · 22/12/2011 13:46

just from past experience with uni friends, is it likely that he has dropped out of uni and is too scared to tell you?

Imperial, no parent should be obliged to pay for their children's university it is a matter of wanting to help them.

peeriebear · 22/12/2011 13:47

I used to call my parents every week at least once, and I had a hectic social life! No excuse, it's only polite to consider that your family are interested in how you are and you them.

bemybebe · 22/12/2011 13:48

yanbu, how disrespectful to you even if no money was coming in and certain ungrateful in the light of your financial contribution

please do not encourage such behavior any longer, it is not because he is 21, it is because he is turning into a rather selfish human being thinking that the world owes him a living. my father is like that. i used to pay for everything for him since my mum died 8 years ago (rent, electricity, telephone)... he did not even bother to call me every once in a while unless he needed more money. something happened and i finally got upset and cut off most support (still paying the rent). we do not talk any more. please do not allow your ds to turn into someone like that.

ImperialBlether · 22/12/2011 13:48

Yes of course all students can request a loan, but the amount of the grant you get differs. Someone with higher earning parents can't get as much grant as someone whose parents are, say, unemployed. I know I'm supposed to pay about £1300 per year towards my son's living costs. Haven't told him that, though!

ImperialBlether · 22/12/2011 13:49

lels, of course parents can refuse to pay, but then the student has to find another source of income. I'm just saying this is the case with students loans and grants.

ImperialBlether · 22/12/2011 13:54

Just been on the website - if your parents earned £10,000 per year, you'd get £2,900 or so in grant; if they earned £35,000 you'd get £1,200 or so. Sorry, figures aren't precise as my firewall doesn't like the student finance pages, but that's the general idea.

Mulledbee · 22/12/2011 14:04

He sounds like is massively taking you for granted. When I was at university, my parents didn't contribute and I had two part time jobs and was still able to stay in regular (weekly if not more) contact with my family.

I would stop paying for him, it might give him some idea of what you're doing for him. I might give notice as January is so close.

I would also tell him how hurtful his behaviour is. He may not have given it much thought. I wouldn't make paying dependent on his regular contact, as that kind of strings attached could fester resentment, but I would stop paying as a separate issue.

bemybebe · 22/12/2011 14:08

"I would also tell him how hurtful his behaviour is. He may not have given it much thought. I wouldn't make paying dependent on his regular contact, as that kind of strings attached could fester resentment, but I would stop paying as a separate issue."

Very true and agree 100%

pingu2209 · 22/12/2011 14:10

My nephew is 18 and has been at a top private school since he was 4. His parents divorsed this year and the money now needs to be spread into 2 households. My brother (his dad) believes that now his son is 18 he should pay his own way. However, he has been brought up surrounded in wealth and a deep belief that everyone has their uni fees and accommodation paid for by their parents. He has never had a job, ever.

My view on my nephew is that he is spoiled and has no idea about the real world and what the majority of people have to face financially. However, my brother shouldn't just cut the funds dead but needs to give warning so that his son can plan.

This would be my advice for you.

yellowraincoat · 22/12/2011 14:12

Well, he'll get his student loan through in January, so he can pay his rent out of that and find a job.

I don't understand parents that pay their children's rent, everyone I knew at university that had their rent paid for them just pissed their money up a wall.

Moominsarescary · 22/12/2011 14:12

There is no excuse for not picking up the phone and giving your parents a call, however much fun you are having