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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop paying DS1's rent

85 replies

everydayisabluesday · 22/12/2011 13:32

DS1 is 21 and in third year of uni (4 year course). I have always paid his rent to help him out.

Since at uni his communication with us has gone from sporadic to more or less non existent. He never answers his phone, nor replies to texts or emails. We have not had any arguements, and as far as I know have not upset him.

Since the summer we had a briefy visit (2 days in Aug), a text in Oct (2 days before the quarterly rent was due) and he sent a message last week to DD1 saying he would be back last weekend and has not turned up yet. Given his previous patterns of communication, this is unlikely to be because something is wrong, he has just had a better offer and can't be bothered to let us know. Since his non-arrival, I have had to deal with the disappointment of my other DC who were looking forward to seeing him.

I'm not a helicopter parent. I don't want be friends on FB or have daily updates on what he is doing. I would like a text or email every 2 or 3 weeks saying is alive and well.

His rent is due early Jan, shall I tell him that if he can't be bothered to keep in touch he is own his own?

OP posts:
bemybebe · 22/12/2011 17:30

"That's so important to remember - he probably isn't a fully formed adult yet, although some may be so at 16! They all take different amounts of time."

That is true. Some get to 60 and still behave like a selfish 13yo (my df is a perfect example).

Xmasbaby11 · 22/12/2011 17:41

You need to give him some notice about stopping the payments, 3 months I'd say to give him time to find a part time job or sort out a loan. No doubt this will cause him to get in touch, and you should try to have an adult conversation about his lack of respect for you and the rest of the family.

lifechanger · 22/12/2011 17:43

This reply has been deleted

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SmegmaNotJustForChristmas · 22/12/2011 17:51

YABU to pay his rent in the first place.. the fact that he hasn't picked up the phone must make it even more galling though.

He is being unreasonable to not be pretty damned grateful that you are doing it for him even though he has been an adult for 3 years.

lifechanger · 22/12/2011 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bemybebe · 22/12/2011 18:19

"Whilst I agree he isn't behaving well, I don't get those who think it isn't reasonable to help your DCs through a first higher education degree if you're lucky enough to be able to do so."

I do not think people here think it is unreasonable to support their dc, mostly people think it is unreasonable to support and be on the receiving end of the selfish behaviour. Even when one studies medicine.

I went to a graduate medical school and i have an economics degree. In both cases one is not so busy that cannot possibly make regular telephone calls to the parents for a quick update.

lifechanger · 22/12/2011 18:24

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bemybebe · 22/12/2011 18:27

I've done medical degree for two years and no way one can work even part-time and study reasonably well. But there are not many degrees of that intensity. I have also done economics and it is a walk in the park in comparison that can easily accommodate part-time work. As was my MA.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 22/12/2011 18:28

Also, remember there is no switch that makes them suddenly act like an adult should the minute they hit 18 - for some it can take quite a few more years for them to take on full adult emotional responsibility. That's so important to remember - he probably isn't a fully formed adult yet, although some may be so at 16! They all take different amounts of time.

Bollocks. He's 21, he's a man not a child. About time he started acting like it. Stop treating grown men like children, it's half the problem.

yellowraincoat · 22/12/2011 18:30

I reckon if you stopped paying your child's rent, that would be a bit like a switch that would make him act like an adult.

FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 22/12/2011 18:37

a text update also takes about 10 seconds, so a weekly one would hardly be a hardship. Various elderly members of my family expect an hourly text update about my DD

TheRealTinselAndMistletoe · 22/12/2011 18:38

How are his grades? I would guess he is partying too bard and avoiding you for a reason.

FabbyChic · 22/12/2011 18:41

Dont NOT pay it how can you do that to your child, he is studying, he is an adult now, and sporadic contact is all you are going to get he is not under your skirt tails anymore.

If you want to stop paynig his rent give him 3 months notice you are stopping not just stop like that potentially leaving him homeless.

I hear from my 24 year old about every 3 weeks for 20 seconds asking a question.

They get older and they no longer need you its the way of life its how kids are.

By the by you can email or ring him yourself you know.

aldiwhore · 22/12/2011 18:42

I'd wait until he shows up and then have a loooooong chat with him. If he wants parents to be 'rents' then the price is that he has to stay in touch and treat you with some respect.

I was RUBBISH at keeping in touch with my parents when I was off on my world tour (got as far as Blackpool) but I was fully self sufficient. Even then it caused my folks heartache.

You want more contact. He wants his rent. That's a fair exchange. Right now, its not fair and he needs telling.

Don't just stop though, that will cause him major issues and I'm sure you don't want to be the reason he loses his digs and can't finish his final year do you? That WOULD BVU.

Give him notice that if he doesn't meet you half way by the the time NEXT months rent is due, then you will stop paying.

SmegmaNotJustForChristmas · 22/12/2011 21:37

Um he can't afford to pay because he is a child but he is a man so he can't have time to say "hi mum" via a text Fabby?

21 is a grown up. If a woman on mumsnet said she was 21 and living off the goodwill and cheer of her parents I think people would tell her to grow the fuck up and look after her children and be an adult. Why are men allowed to be babies till they find some poor idiot women to take over where mum leaves off?

tralalala · 22/12/2011 21:41

well said smegma

FabbyChic · 22/12/2011 21:57

My son went to Uni this year the second one to go, he is 18 I missed him so much was only me and him for four years, i heard fuck al from him for weeks at a time, wy because he was settled, happy.

Its what kids do. They don't forget they have lives they are busy studying.

You cant stop paying his rent when you have been paying it thats fucking mean and disgraceful because he dont ring you or contact you from week to week.

Get a grip.

To the one who says about the kid who has to put himself through Uni, it aint that simple what you are entitled to re fees and grant is worked out on your parents earnings. Why should a kid suffer because of a divorce.

No matter what you do the best for your kids its nothing to do with how often you hear from them, you do the best because they are your flesh and blood and you do it out of love not out of wanting to hear from them.

Al this sense of entitlement cos I pay this I gave birth what utter shit.

troisgarcons · 22/12/2011 22:03

A child is for life - not until they piss you off.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 22/12/2011 22:11

Yabu.

The two should not have any bearing on each other. You cant buy visits and love by paying rent. He should not feel that he needs to keep in touch just so you pay rent. This is blackmail.

It is however time for him to start paying rent. I put myself through UNI by student loans and part time work. Tought me a great deal. I dont resent my parents for not paying for me. Part of growing up and learning to be an adult is to handle this. You are not doing him a favour not letting him learn this.

If I were you I would just say that times are hard, and the january rent will be the last you pay, so he needs to find part time work, or take a student loan. DO NOT tell him it is because he is not visiting. It should not be the reason, it is a SHIT reason.

QuintessentiallyShallow · 22/12/2011 22:12

It obviously did not teach me to spell very well, though. Hmm

taught, not tought.

FirTreeMitTheKrog · 22/12/2011 22:12

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timidviper · 22/12/2011 22:23

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DialMforMummy · 22/12/2011 22:24

Keep money matters and behaviour towards family separate as they are two different issues.
Cutting him off at such short notice is a bit harsh especially that it might not be so easy these days to find a job. Why don't you decrease your contributions rather than cutting him off completely?
If you want him to behave like an adult you should treat him like one and talk to him frankly and openly when you see him next, rather than punishing him using money.

KarenMillenCoat · 22/12/2011 22:25

Fabby that was a really nice post about your sons.

pigletmania · 22/12/2011 22:42

YANBU there is not excuse for bad manners, he is 21 not 21 months fgs!. He can at least manage a phone call once a week. If you are going to stop his rent I would give him adequate notice, but like others have pointed out you should have a chat to him first about good communication, and expectations and see how that goes if it falls on deaf ears then I would give him notice.