to stop paying DS1's rent

[everydayisabluesday]

DS1 is 21 and in third year of uni (4 year course). I have always paid his rent to help him out.

Since at uni his communication with us has gone from sporadic to more or less non existent. He never answers his phone, nor replies to texts or emails. We have not had any arguements, and as far as I know have not upset him.

Since the summer we had a briefy visit (2 days in Aug), a text in Oct (2 days before the quarterly rent was due) and he sent a message last week to DD1 saying he would be back last weekend and has not turned up yet. Given his previous patterns of communication, this is unlikely to be because something is wrong, he has just had a better offer and can't be bothered to let us know. Since his non-arrival, I have had to deal with the disappointment of my other DC who were looking forward to seeing him.

I'm not a helicopter parent. I don't want be friends on FB or have daily updates on what he is doing. I would like a text or email every 2 or 3 weeks saying is alive and well.

His rent is due early Jan, shall I tell him that if he can't be bothered to keep in touch he is own his own?

You pay his rent bloody hell

What can't he rent a room and get a job?

YABU. You have no idea why he has done this, and early Jan is not enough notice even if you do want to cut him off. My parents paid my rent in uni and I certainly did not piss it away, every penny of it went to my landlord right on time, but there were weeks and weeks I was a depressed mess and didn't phone them because I knew they'd hear in my voice I was most definitely not ok, and I didn't want them to worry. Completely backwards logic of course, but I was 19 and a complete mess not thinking straight.

As for getting a job - sure, but give him notice. I don't know if those of you saying 'why are you paying his rent, he can just get a job' have noticed but there's a recession on and finding a job is really hard. If he is just being an arse and disrespectful you certainly could cut him off, but not with a week's notice, right before Christmas. This is exactly the kind of sudden financial disaster that prompted several of my uni friends to feel like they had no choice but to drop out, and I doubt you want that.

If you spoil your child don't be surprised when you child is rude un grateful and selfish

Nothing wrong for working hard and paying your way my oh only had 3 lectures a week when he went to uni

What the he'll is your son doing with his spare time

I'm sorry but he is utterly taking the piss.

We are in the bracket of 'not poor enough to get a full student loan' not rich enough to pay the deficit easily , but my DD1 (2nd year Uni) has NEVER asked for help with rent. The loans just about cover it..especially once they aren't in halls any more and live in student digs! We send £30 to feed DD and anything else she earns herself...she's a med student so doesn't have loads of free time, but she still earn her money herself.

I would sit down and make it very clear.. treat you with respect (which he isn't) or Jan is the last time rent is paid.. if he can't be arsed to spend any time with his family he needs to fend for himself. Your son is being utterly rude and selfish, and no doubt will thro a little tantrum if you get firm with him..but don't back down.. enabling him isn't doing him any favours!

YANBU - he is an adult FFS!

FYI I'm a student.

Sorry, what's the issue? YABVU with this passive aggressive mentality. You've apparently raised an independent child whose life doesn't revolve around you (and at 21, good) and now you're complaining. Ok, his communication skills could be a lot better, but telling him you won't give him money that he expects, this close to january rent, is a really bad idea if you want him to talk to you more.

There seem to be 2 issues -
1, he doesn't talk to you
2, you think you're giving him too much money (because if you didn't, you wouldn't have mentioned it)

If you want to only give him money if he talks to you at certain frequencies, then you'll get your weekly chats or whatever whilst you're giving him money, but as soon as you stop, you're probably never going to talk to him again. Not recommended....

If you want a decent relationship with him now AND when you're not giving him money, then resolve 2, and hopefully 1 will come when he realises his parents are important (that's not something you can speed up. You can definitely slow it down though, perhaps by cutting off rent money that you and he had agreed he'd get with no warning at all).

To resolve 2:
His essential outgoings are: costs to get to/from uni, and rent.
His income is a student loan.

Do the maths, and I (as a student) would recommend that you give him (at a bare minimum) however much money is required so that after all essential outgoings he has £60/ week spending money. If you can give him that without any strings attached, then that's great. If you can give him more, even better, but I wouldn't recommend giving him more than £80/week regardless of how rich you are (I get £75/week from my parents and that's plenty (i don't drink)- realistically most students will piss the extra against a wall). If you can't give him the money no strings attached, then don't give it at all, starting from the next academic year. Pulling out halfway through the year is VU.

If you use money as a weapon against him, especially without talking to him about the problem first, then he'll resent you for it and it'll take him a couple of years longer to come and start talking to you. If you say you're going to change the amount of money you give him and talk through your reasoning for the change, then that's probably not going to make him hate you.

Saying "get a job" is great, but have you tried getting a job recently with minimal qualifications, especially when you can't work certain times due to uni?

pretend he has a student loan totalling 5000/year, rent is 300/month = 3600/year, transport to uni is 10/week for 30 weeks =300/year (what money to give him during summer holidays will be up to you) then he'll have 5000 - 3600 - 300 = 1100/ year surplus from his student loan to live on. 30 weeks at £60/week = 1800 needed, so I'd advise giving this fictional student 700/year. Either in 1 blob at the start of the year, or as pocket money each week, or /semester or /month, depending on how mature he is with money. Since people normally get paid monthly, I asked my parents to give me money monthly.

Waitressing/supermarket.

All four dsc are working part-time and studying. Dh still pays their rents though.

Every single student I know has a part time job. It's probably easier to get one when you're a student, as most can work late at night (in bars/clubs) or get jobs through the university (in the library/union for example).

Well he's obviously not that independent if his rent is being paid for him

For the people suggesting student loan in £5K, it is no where near that.

Full maintenance allowance is just over £3K. Plus you don't only pay rent for term dates, you rent a house froma private land lord on a 12 month tenancy agreement like everyone else. one year of rent @ £300 amonth = £3600. Prob more than full student loan.

We did this to DS1, not so much because of a lack of communication, but because it was clear that he was pissing about and not focussing on why he was there. He got a support grant or loan or something from the Uni and survived. He harbours no resentment as he knows quite well it was his own fault.

YANBU

I always ALWAYS see/speak to/email my parents at least once a week (and I'm not that long out of university, but now back in my home town). Plus my parents ate divorced so it's twice as much effort, lol.

My DH shocked me with his lack of contact with his parents. He would often looking at his mobile ringing and ignore it because it was 'just his parents. And his parents, like you, really helped him throug uni (whereas mine didn't have the money to contribute to my rent/fees/bills).

Anyway, I have managed to get DH to be a bit more bloody courteous to his parents and encourage him to reply to texts and answer the phone (they live 100 miles away). And my MIL is forever grateful.

Is it a boy thing? I don't know. But there is no harm in saying you aren't gonna pay his way unless he shows his family a bit of courtesy. You my find that suddenly he calls once in a while!!

You are a saint to have put up with his attitude so long. Did you et a Christmas card? Will he get you and his sibling(s) presents?

I should also add that I worked all through my degree and still got a first, (DH did the same degree, didn't work as his parents funded him and got a 2.1 - really doesn't like the fact his wife is cleverer, lol)

You would not be using money as a weapon if you decide to take it away. Students DO survive with no parental support (I did and it was only 3 years ago).

It's more about being polite and having a bloody conscience about showing gratitude to your family who work their butts off (and often go without their luxuries like holidays) to fund your degree. However maybe he needs your feeling spelling out. He isn't psychic and if it hasn't been mentioned before, you can't expect him (although it would be nice!) to suddenly realise what an arse he is.

He's 21 so no longer a child, his parents have chosen to help him so he has the oppotunity to attend uni it's not a right...tbh he should be more appreciative and less selfish with his time...there is not real excuse...

If he would resent his parents for wanting contact and the only way it seems this might work is through his pocket says more about him than them...

Yes you are in uni life is exciting..but you should also not forget about your family ...a quick call every once in a while ..an email... why the big deal??...

I think it's bloody rude not to call your parents when they are supporting you. I managed to do it when there was one payphone for the whole hall of residence so it's a bit pathetic to say that if you have a hectic social life you're incapable of sending a text/email/making a quick call.

Christine - exactly. Especially as he probably has plenty of time to text and Fb his friends. A quick 'Hi Mum, just wanted to say hello to you, dad and sis. Looking forward to seeing you all at Christmas. Things all good down here. Love, Son x' takes less than a minute to write and send!

tanks for the responses. In answer to some one the points;

We don't have a high income, so he gets a full grant, but it isn't enough to live on (doesn't even cover the rent) We offered to help, so he didn't have to work and could focus on studying. He is doing science so has about 30 hours in classes a week and uni work on top of that. So helping him means we have given up luxuries like holidays which impact on my other DCs.

It's not that I want to squirm with gratitude, or use the money as a weapon, I just feel that family is supposed to be a two way thing. We support him, and in return he should stay in touch and, most importantly, no break his promises to his siblings.

No christmas card, and he also competely ignored my birthday in Nov.......

I think if you don't transfer his rent money in to his account on time (assuming he pays it that way) then you might just hear from him suddenly

Tbh, depression was my first thought. I have struggled with it in the past (while at uni), still do to some degree and not talking to family, ignoring calls etc is the most noticable thing I do when things are difficult.

Of course he might just be an ungrateful idiot! What has he been like before he went to uni?

I also think you should give him some more notice regarding the rent thing. It's probably quite hard to find a job for him, and if he is struggeling in some way, it would make things a lot worse if he also has money worries.

my cousins son is the same age and never contacts his mum..he is not depressed, just partying too much at Uni to remember

You hit the nail on the head with 'family is a two way thing.'

It will do him no harm if you had words with him about his lack of manners, appreciation etc. Because in adult life you get out what you put in. At the moment he has his family's support, but it won't be there forever if he continues to treat you like this - especially sibling relationships will suffer.

You clearly have his bet interests at heart and are a very selfless mother and family for supporting him. But he is an adult now (but always your baby!) and it's time he showed his mum he appreciates her. Completely forgetting your birthday is not on. If you were estranged then fair enough, but you continue to show you love and support towards him and it's time he should show some back. You aren't asking for much here.

It was in the OP lifechanger: "He never answers his phone, nor replies to texts or emails."

Rude, rude, rude