to stop paying DS1's rent

[everydayisabluesday]

DS1 is 21 and in third year of uni (4 year course). I have always paid his rent to help him out.

Since at uni his communication with us has gone from sporadic to more or less non existent. He never answers his phone, nor replies to texts or emails. We have not had any arguements, and as far as I know have not upset him.

Since the summer we had a briefy visit (2 days in Aug), a text in Oct (2 days before the quarterly rent was due) and he sent a message last week to DD1 saying he would be back last weekend and has not turned up yet. Given his previous patterns of communication, this is unlikely to be because something is wrong, he has just had a better offer and can't be bothered to let us know. Since his non-arrival, I have had to deal with the disappointment of my other DC who were looking forward to seeing him.

I'm not a helicopter parent. I don't want be friends on FB or have daily updates on what he is doing. I would like a text or email every 2 or 3 weeks saying is alive and well.

His rent is due early Jan, shall I tell him that if he can't be bothered to keep in touch he is own his own?

I do agree he should communicate with you more. Rather than stopping his rent, can you sit down and talk to him about how you and the kids feel? He is probabaly just so wrapped up in his new life. Maybe you need to relate to him in his world and use FB though too?

He's rude. I also think the payment and behaviour are different issues and you shouldn't connect them at the moment. Tell him how hurt his siblings and you have been at lack of contact and him letting them down. I know Fabby said he's just away having a great time and I get that, I did it too. Can't expect lots of contact. However he's not replying to texts or emails, that is bloody bad manners, would take a few seconds!

Someone else asked, has he ever suffered from depression? Communication is key here, perhaps if you sit down for a long friendly chat you can find out what he's up to and see if his life is going well. Then, calmly explain how you're all feeling.

crossposted with skyblue and more or less said the same thing!

I love the Student Loan ignorance going on here.

If you earn over £30k (rough estimate, just looking over DD's old student finance leaflets), you are expected to support your children through uni. That's the way it is. Me and DH have a combined income of about £55k, as a result- DD gets close to the minimum student loan- about £3300. The lowest rent in her uni town is about £4500 p/a (only 12 month occupancy contracts, grrr!). Even if she works the whole summer before university, she can just about cover her loan- but she has nothing to live on.

She's worked here and there in temp jobs- but when your town is full of students and they ALL want the part time hours- 'getting a job' is not really an easy solution. I'm actually laughing at all of the people claiming that OP's student loan should cover everything, but usually if both parents work- IT REALLY DOESN'T.

Okay, rant over. Now, the only difference between my DD and OP's DS is that my daughter calls at least every two days and we Skype at least once a week. She doesn't like taking money off us, but she is grateful and stays very much in contact.

OP- your son needs your support, but this needs to go both ways. I think you need a long chat with him when he comes home that it's hard for you to act like parents and support him financially if he is being a really shit son.

If she works the whole summer before uni, she just about covers her RENT, sorry.

I don't understand how not ringing your parents is seen by some as being a good thing because he is emotionally independent? To me it shows an appalling lack of respect and an emotional detachment from his family which is IMO quite unhealthy.
I'm 36 now but even in my wildest teens the longest I ever went without phoning home was a few days, a week at most.

Difficult one. I agree with those saying it shouldn't be about 'buying' love and interest from your son.

But I also think that if he's so grown up and independent then he should pay his own bloody rent. It's not a token food-shopping amount of money, it's hundreds of pounds every month. Unless the OP is very well off that's a huge amount of money and sacrifice for the family.

I do tend to get a bit self-righteous about this though. I was at uni until only 3 years ago and entirely funded myself through loans and (lots of) part time work. It can be done.

The thing is that the OP hasn't said why he doesn't call and whether he has a problem with depression. If he doesn't then it is inexcusable to go so long without calling home, but if he does, then it could be the sign of a much bigger problem.

Early twenties is an age when many mental health problems manifest themselves and I would hate to just slag off the OP's son without knowing he is mentally healthy.

An example from when I was at university: one of my friends in the first year became quite strange in the second year (first term.) He started to hang round with a local prostitute (brought her to a Philosophy lecture - never seen the lecturer so unnerved) and taking drugs. We tended to just see him in class that year.

Then just before Christmas he was arrested for drug related offences and sectioned. When we went to visit him later his father was there - he said they hadn't heard from him all term but assumed all was well (no mobiles, pre internet.) When he'd gone to the boy's flat, it was exactly as it had been when he'd dropped him off three months earlier - he'd not opened his bags properly, had been sleeping on the bed with no covers or sheet etc. His dad was in a terrible way because clearly the boy had been like that from the first day he dropped him off and he hadn't realised.

Obviously I hope nothing like that has happened to the OP's son, but just to say, sometimes there are other reasons for poor behaviour rather than just laziness or carelessness.

Is DS1 depressed? He was fine when he left for uni, and sees ok on the rare occasions we have contact. But as we really see or hear from him, obviously I can't say.

To those of you have asked about his grades. He is at uni, so I have no idea.
Parents are expected to contribute to their child's education, but as they are adult, you are not entitled to any information. If he had dropped out, and didn't tell me I would only find out if the SLC didn't bother to ask for details of our income next year.

I don't feel I spoil DS or the other DC. They never got everything they asked for and pocket money was conditional on chores and behaviour.

I know he is an adult, and if choose to walk away from his family that is his right. But in which case, perhaps he should seek to be independant rather than expect financial support but not play a small part in family life

I'm really glad he doesn't seem to be depressed.

Have you tried getting angry with him? Voicemail's no good if they have to pay to pick up calls, but a text saying "It's so annoying when you don't reply to texts. If you don't reply now I shall assume you're not coming home for Christmas."

The worm needs to turn!