Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ex threatening to take son

98 replies

Happylander · 21/12/2011 20:05

My ex has recently walked out on me and moved in with his OW. He is now threatening to take my son and apply for custody and told me he has already filled in the paperwork. I have now told him he can only see my DS in my company as I am terrified he won't bring my DS back.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Kayano · 21/12/2011 20:07

Get legal advice ASAP IMO

1Catherine1 · 21/12/2011 20:09

With kayano on this one. Do not wait and see if it is a bluff. Best form of defense and all...

good luck

Winkly · 21/12/2011 20:11

Thirded on get legal advice ASAP - but were you married, is he on birth cert etc?

Althalus · 21/12/2011 20:12

I agree with Kayano, get a solicitor as soon as you can because you don't want to end up facing a load of crap this close to Christmas.

Good luck.

Selks · 21/12/2011 20:14

Ditto

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 21/12/2011 20:17

legal advice

Thats all I have to say

PotteringAlong · 21/12/2011 20:17

Also, does your DS have a passport? If so keep it with you, if not apply for one now and keep it with you!

Original poster
Happylander · 21/12/2011 20:18

I saw a solicitor 2 weeks ago as he was trying to get mortgage company to put the house up for sale and I mentioned he kept threatening it and I asked about residence order but she said not to go down that route unless he does something as she thought he was blowing hot air!!

He says I am stopping him from having him if I don't let him take him from the house. I am too scared too but not sure if I am in the wrong. I can't sleep with worry. He has already tried to take the furniture and I had to have locks changed. He wanted all the furniture from what was his daughters bedroom (i paid for it all!) and I expect it was to go into this OW's flat. I just can't trust him.

OP posts:
thunderboltsandlightning · 21/12/2011 20:20

You should probably see a different solicitor.

Original poster
Happylander · 21/12/2011 20:20

I have just got my DS passport as I booked and paid for a skiing holiday with the little bit of inheritance I was left before he told me so nicely over the telephone that he had left me.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 21/12/2011 20:21

Firstly whether you are being unreasonable is not the point right now. I am so sorry you are experiencing all of this and you must feel horrible but from the sounds of it you need to steele yourself for a bit of a shit time. He should not be making those threats and as someone with a little bit of experience in this field, there is no "paperwork" that you fill in to get custody. There are a number of forms to start the legal process BUT no judge will hear a case without mediation. He is trying to hurt, scare and intimidate you and whilst normally I would be the first one to say neither side has the right to withhold contact time I can understand why you feel so afraid. Can I ask what the back story to this is? When did this all start? Have you lots of support around you - it sounds like you need good friends and family to lean on and allow you to vent right now.

prettyfly1 · 21/12/2011 20:22

Holy shit cross posts. You need to see a more aggressive lawyer right now. Are you married - what is the legal position - can you prove what you own etc? Get the locks changed tomorrow morning and if he turns up again call the police. Do not allow him to behave this way.

prettyfly1 · 21/12/2011 20:24

Also, hit the legal section and lone parents - on one side you will get some guidance legally on the other you will get some support from other parents who have experienced similiar. Both pretty invaluable at times like this.

sitandnatter · 21/12/2011 20:24

OK been in the family courts for a few years as a defendant ie mother who wouldn't let ex see his child as was abusive to both of us.

He is blowing hot air. Don't let him see the child alone or supervised until you have taken legal advice You don't have to, supervised or unsupervised. Tell him to bog off until you have legal advice. Don't panic to threats it is scary but get legal support.

hugglymugly · 21/12/2011 20:25
  1. Get legal advice - CAB is a start as they'll be able to point you in the right direction.
  1. It's the courts who decide these things, not your ex (and I think it isn't actually called "custody" these days).
  1. Restrict all conversations to text/email and keep them for evidence.
  1. If he tries anything, call the police.
  1. Do you honestly think he'd really want a child full-time in his love-nest with the OW?
  1. Filling in paperwork means diddly-squat.
  1. See 4.
  1. Maybe repost this in Legal for better advice.
  1. See 4, and keep saying that to yourself.
balia · 21/12/2011 20:31

Is this a real likelihood or just a product of raw emotion/hurt panic? Is he, for example, a citizen of another country? Does he have a full-time job? Does he see his other child? Was this something said in the middle of a row about contact or out of the blue?

DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 21/12/2011 20:32

I'd second getting a new solicitor.

Upon getting a new solicitor, I'd ask what would happen if you stopped access for now;Do you have any way of recording the threats?

It's highly unlikely that any judge will take full custody from the RP and give it to the NRP. The only time when I've known it to happen was where abuse of the DC was involved.

Original poster
Happylander · 21/12/2011 20:33

He left me out of the blue on 31st October. I had no idea he was unhappy. we had been having a stressful time as we had a GMC hearing in regards to the extremely negligent Dr that nearly killed me when I had our DS. I have PTSD, a stressful job and a 2 year old and so was knackered pretty much most of the time and don't sleep well.

I suspected it must be because of this woman but he denied it but I then found out he had moved straight in with her. Understandably I am hurt and angry. I have asked him to have DS on a few occasions to be told no he had plans etc etc. He then sent me dates he wanted DS I agreed with them all and asked why none of them were overnights and he said he couldn't afford it. It is £29 in the premier inn down the road!! I also asked him to have DS while I went on a booked and paid for trip to Scotland and he ignored all texts and so I asked him if I needed to get someone else and he said go ahead. I did. He then later changed his mind but I told him he couldn't mess me about like that and I was sticking to the arranged child care plans. He then went to CSA to give me less money. Started to threaten me with taking DS.

He was due to see DS two Sundays ago but told me a week beforehand that he had a ball to go and so would need to change the day. I had already made plans with friends for the friday and saturday so told him no that he had to stick to sunday. He then called me all sorts of names and told me i should change my plans and what was so important about my plans that I couldn't change them! I refused as it was a date he had chosen and felt it was unfair to expect me to change plans at such short notice and just so he could get drunk with his OW.

Abusive and threatening phone calls have happened since then and I no longer answer phone to him. He told me 2 days ago he was going to court that day to get custody as after so many threats I refused to let him see our DS without me being there. Then today he emailed me to say that unless I let him take DS he was sending the paperwork in and he had all that he needed to win. he has told me previously that a judge would easily give him custody over me.

I am finding it all very difficult to deal with.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 21/12/2011 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prettyfly1 · 21/12/2011 20:57

Oh of course you are but I promise you most of what he has said is absolute shite. No judge will look at him threatening you with removal of custody to get his way as appropriate behaviour in the same way they dont like women doing it. If the calls and messages continue just tell him to email you on a set email address just for him - this will at least give you the choice of when and how you deal with his requests.

You must just feel like your entire life is being absolutely up-ended right now with no relief. Not sure what to suggest other then posting in legal but do you have support? How is your little one coping - this must all be so difficult for him and I am not surprised you finding it hard - really you are probably still in shock from it all and I think whilst he wants to see his son, he really should be trying a bit harder to give you some time. Six weeks is not long to grieve the end of a relationship at all - have a very unmumsnetty hug as you clearly need it!

DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 21/12/2011 20:57

Make a note of everything. The fact he was willing to try and sell the home in which his own son lives concerns me. If, for whatever reason, DS was living with his father, I'd do whatever it took to keep a roof over his head, and make sure he was provided for. The fact this man is going in the opposite direction is a big red flag to me.

Does he ever leave voicemail messages when he phones? Or does he text? Document everything, and take it to the solicitors with you. Is the house under a joint mortgage, or just under his name?

Has he said what "grounds" he thinks he'd be granted custody for?

Meglet · 21/12/2011 20:59

If he's constantly harrassing you over the phone / text, keep every message and call the police (non-emergency number). They rapidly cautioned my XP for harrassment on just a days worth of missed calls and nasty texts, they didn't piss about Smile. He stopped harrassing me after that.

Original poster
Happylander · 21/12/2011 21:07

He says he will get custody because I clearly can't afford to keep DS. After all the bills have gone out I have no money at all. Nothing extra for heating or food unless I work extra shifts. I already work full time. I have asked him for £80 more a month and some money for heating. He says if I can't afford to keep my DS warm then I am not looking after him properly. Plus I have PTSD.

I no longer answer phone as that was when he abused me and not in emails and texts.

Plus I have asked him for money that he owes me. He spent £168 on clothes of my money that he was supposed to pay back the weekend before he dumped me. I have asked for this back not just because he owes it me but because my DS has outgrown his cot and I need to buy him a bed. He refuses to pay it back, along with refusing to help me out with the loan or pay back any of the money we borrowed from my mum.

I have made rough notes but need to write them up fully. I really can not believe it has come to this.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 21/12/2011 21:15

Ok firstly forget the money he owes you - it must be driving you nuts but honestly you wont get it back. Secondly is he paying any maintenance at all? If not call the csa if he is check its the right amount on the CSA website. He is being very cruel and I promise you you will not lose your child through PTSD.

I am normally better with practicalities. You need a bed for your DS. Have you tried freecycle as a temporary measure? Is he still paying the mortgage - anything to it at all - if not definitely go to legal for advice. Does he own the house or do you . I think although I am not certain that if you live there full time with his child he cant sell it till the child is eighteen - worth checking that though as my info on these things is slightly out of date.

Have you changed the locks? I really hate telling people to stop contact time, it isnt good for the kids but to be honest, in this situation I really dont know if I would feel differently to how you do right now. The OW is one thing but you were being very reasonable about all that and still trying, but threatening you, entering the house and removing things etc are all not on at all and I can completely see why you are so afraid.

DontCallMeFrothyDragon · 21/12/2011 21:15

PTSD is not a cause to lose your son. In fact, I'd be suprised at any judge for entertaining it as a factor.

WRT the money, have you checked you're receiving everything you're entitled to? Do you receive the correct amount of tax credits? Can you make cuts somewhere? Might you be entitled to council tax or housing benefit?

I know it's beside the point, but have you tried asking on freecycle for a secondhand bed for DS?

Does he still phone frequently, even if you're not answering? If so, make a note of when he phones, how many times he tries.

Swipe left for the next trending thread