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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ex threatening to take son

98 replies

Happylander · 21/12/2011 20:05

My ex has recently walked out on me and moved in with his OW. He is now threatening to take my son and apply for custody and told me he has already filled in the paperwork. I have now told him he can only see my DS in my company as I am terrified he won't bring my DS back.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Happylander · 22/12/2011 10:19

Solicitor much better this time. I think maybe last time I did not convey how bad the threats were. She is sending a letter today and has advised no contact until residency sorted however, I don't feel that is good for my DS and so she has said to make sure someone is with me and to inform him at the door that if he tries to take DS that the police will be called.

She is also making it clear to him that he needs to provide me with enough money for food.

Feel slightly better now something legal is being sent to him.

wilsonfrickett thanks for the offer and that is extremely kind of you but I am in sussex. Love Edinburgh by the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happylander · 22/12/2011 10:22

sitandnatter OW has just completed her 22 years in Army and has good pay out plus pension and owns her own property. He is also in Army and his net pay is £2100 a month! They are laughing when it comes to money.

She has no kids so I expect baby number 3 will be on it's way soon.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happylander · 22/12/2011 10:29

leni love you. Let me know when on skype and you can fill me in on whats going on with you and I can say happy christmas. xxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
Iwasonlyasking · 22/12/2011 10:33

Is he a husband or a partner? As it makes a difference.

WilsonFrickett · 22/12/2011 10:35

I admire you for wanting to do the right thing by DS but if your solicitor has recommended no contact, then I think you should follow that advice. It will be worse for DS if he sees him kicking off, for example. Honestly, as a child who was dumped by her father age 3 I do not say that lightly. Its in DS best interests in the long term.

sitandnatter · 22/12/2011 10:36

Happy you have to make sure he is not in a position to even to try to take the child while you have no court orders in place. If there is a risk he will take the child as you say to a woman he doesn't know and a part time father who he has seen what once twice in a month or two then that is not good for your son either.

Make sure you have a lot of support with you when you are facilitating contact. I think you know that anyway

kelly2000 · 22/12/2011 11:13

Were you married? Also he has to pay maintainence for his child based on his income whether he likes it or not. I am not certain, but it could be that his new partners income is taken into account too if they marry - anyone else know if this is the case. He sounds like a bully, who thinks he can bypass the law to get his own way. neuter that attitude now, by dealing with him through your solicitor using the legal channels. Even if you were not married and the house is in his name, you still have rights over it as it was the family home.

Original poster
Happylander · 22/12/2011 12:19

He was a partner although we had a a ceremony outside but could not do the legal bit on the day as his ex pulled the divorce out. He had been separated (or so I thought!) for 6 months prior to meeting me. Boy am I learning a few things now!!

Joint mortgage but he has been told he simply can not put the house up for sale.

He pays me exactly what the CSA state and no more as according to him 'he does not have to keep me in the lifestyle I am accustomed to' not sure what that means as I have never been rich and was only asking for more money for heating and food!!

My cousin and her husband are going to be here when he comes round tomorrow. Plus my neighbours are aware so he won't get very far if he tries anything.

OP posts:
Gonzo33 · 22/12/2011 12:21

kelly2000 it is only the fathers income taken into consideration when the CSA complete a calculation.

OP if your exp is in the Army have you considered using the military associations? Maybe a chat with his Unit Welfare Officer will help as it will be dealt with by them or fed down through the chain of command. Maybe SSAFA or Homestart would be able to help?

The other point is that because he is serving it is extremely unlikely that he will be granted residence, aside from everything else that has gone on, he will not have stability like you do (ie postings/deployment, etc).

In relation to money, I am a qualified mortgage adviser and have completed many many income and expenditures over the years if you want to PM me we can go through a few things and I can try and help you if you wish.

Whatever happens, good luck. My exh behaved very similarly to your exp and it took me a long time to get through.

sitandnatter · 22/12/2011 12:25

Joint mortgage means he has every right as things stand to return to the house any time. You do NOT have the legal right to change the locks although it didn't stop me If you are worried he will try to return even to take stuff before the settlement is done, then talk to your solicitor about an occupation order.

If he gives you any crap at all, report it to the police, the more that is recorded the better, scratch the old stuff if you are worried you weren't "nice" but he can't be allowed to get away with continued abuse.

Good luck for tomorrow.

sitandnatter · 22/12/2011 12:26

Flipping heck Happy I've never seen a AIBU thread getting a hug!!! Xmas Wink

Things are looking up already.

peanutbear · 22/12/2011 12:28

This happened to me my ex is a pilot so I was scared this was a real risk too.
I applied to the court that day for a temporary residency order that then gives me the right to call the police if my children are not where they shoud be at any point in time.
my ex had 14 days to fight this which he did and was granted access which I didnt object to but I till have the right to enforce my residency order at any time.
This although horrible for the first few months of court has actually stabalised things betwen us he sees the children and picks them up from school occasionally but he knows that if he does it without my permission the school will not allow this ad that he has to bring the children back within reason on time.
the court cost for the emergency paper work wasnt that expensive tbh

peanutbear · 22/12/2011 12:30

we werent married either so he didnt pay for over 18 months the family courts wont take this into consireation but a civil court will

SusanneLinder · 22/12/2011 12:37

I am a qualified Debt Advisor(Scotland) if you wish any help.

If you are looking at any Debt Advice go to

www.moneyadvicetrust.org/section.asp?sid=23

All free debt agencies

Original poster
Happylander · 22/12/2011 12:43

I need hugs right now Grin

I have had the locks changed already. I had to do that the first week as he told me he was coming up in a van to take the furniture. I paid for everything in this house and he isn't getting any of it!

I have tried his welfare officer as OW is a Warrant Officer and they usually frown on affairs in the forces but I was just told there was nothing they could do as we weren't married and then he told lies about money etc.

I have been to the British Legion and SSAFA but as it is so close to christmas the amount they can do right now is limited however, both have been fantastic and were such lovely people.

gonzo thank you for offer of help. I contacted the mortgage company in relation to getting my own mortgage and they could only offer me £90,000 mortgage unfortunately I need another £60,000 on top of that LOL.

I feel much stronger knowing I am not doing the wrong thing by saying he can not take my DS from the house until everything is sorted. Thanks for all the wonderful support.

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 22/12/2011 12:45

get legal advice again and while emotions are running very high let them deal everything rather than you trying to talk with him

he is bullying you and this is not acceptable and you have to make your solicitor aware of that it is not normal behaviour. he will just have to see his ds when you are there do not let him bully you anymore (easier said than done i know)

sitandnatter · 22/12/2011 12:55

Not doing anything wrong? You'd be bonkers to let him have unsupervised in light of the threats, you have been a lot kinder than I was. Don't worry about the locks, the worst thing that will happen is that you'll be forced to give him a key but if it comes to demanding that, just go for an occupation order.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow.

FabbyChic · 22/12/2011 13:27

He has to provide you with enough for his sons food not yours, that is your responsibility.

If you have debts reduce the payments to those debtors. You are going to have to pay him his 18% value of the equity in the house too.

The more pressing thing is you sorting out your finances if you are not entitled to any WTC then you earn a hell of a lot and it is more about how you manage your money than anything else.

Make sure you have told the council you are now in the house alone with your son, you get a 25% reduction in your council tax then.

Consider taking on a lodger to reduce the outgoings.

Only heat one room.

FabbyChic · 22/12/2011 13:28

You have to own the house on your own, you are going to have to move, you cannot expect him to stay on the mortgage. So its a case of selling and buying something you can afford.

sitandnatter · 22/12/2011 13:37

It was my understanding that there are many ways to settle the house, such as he can continue to pay the mortgage or half of it and get the equity out when his youngest child reaches 18 forcing a sale then. This was one of the suggestions my solicitor made albeit over a decade ago.

Personally I wanted a clean break but it doesn't have to be that way, it certainly wasnt the only way ten years ago. The solicitor also suggested that I go for 100% of the home and it was likely I'd end up with 75% of the value of the home so the equity split isn't certain either, she might not have to give him anything.

A family court judge would decide that and again legal advice here to go over all of the options will be invaluable. A male friend of mine lost his house and ended up living with his parents and that was after his wife was unfaithful!

titchy · 22/12/2011 13:41

You shoudl be entitled to WFTC and CTC at least - check the 'entitled to' website. Assuming your salary is around £30k a year and you pay £175 a week in childcare costs you shoudl get £100 a month WFTC and about a third of your childcare costs paid.

And shop around difference mortgage companies - though if his name is on the mortgage he'll need to sign the forms.

Original poster
Happylander · 22/12/2011 13:52

I have a net pay of £1400 a month. Rent is the same price as my mortgage. I get £11 a week working tax credit. I have to pay the loan we took out to pay off debts and windows because it is in my name and that is £217 a month. I don't think asking for £80 a month more for food and heating for our son is much when he has a net pay of £2100 and very little outgoings. Plus I am the one looking after our son fabbychic and if I don't eat I won't be very well!!

Oh and fabbychic who is going to pay removal costs, selling costs deposit for house either rented or buying. I don't live in a huge house it is a small bungalow not some 5 bedded mansion!!! There is no equity in the house as we haven't lived in it long enough but it is still the family home and he is the wone that walked away from it to be with another woman so why should I and my son be the ones that suffer.

I know for a fact that if I had walked out in him I would make sure he is okay and that my son is okay. Not just say tough shit, you have to move and have all the stress that goes with that. Is there no sense of responsibility any more in this world.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happylander · 22/12/2011 13:54

Oh and I am not asking him to pay the mortgage, he is not paying the mortgage!!!!

OP posts:
kelly2000 · 22/12/2011 14:01

You need to seek good legal advice regarding finances. He is not paying the mortgage, but he owns half the house. This needs to be sorted out pronto, or else there is a chance he could profit from you paying the mortgage. Also as the loan was in your name but for joint expenditure, he should be liable for this, especially as some of it was used for house repairs. It would all depend on what a judge would say however, so get good legal advice.
I would try speaking to his welfare officer again, as regardless of whether you were married or not, he has a son, and thta son has rights too. So they may be able to help him.

flippinada · 22/12/2011 20:11

Happylander saw this and couldn't not post.

I don't have much helpful to add to the excellent advice you've had here bur please do go and see a solicitor (try to find one that will give a free consultation) and makes sure that you and your DS are protected. God knows it's a scary step to take but sometimes it's the right thing to do (I've been there).

If you are in Scotland and want any info or advice on things please feel free to PM me. I'm not an expert but I have been through the court system so know a bit about how it works.

Also, I know it's not the point of the thread but Fabbychic you are talking crap.

You certainly DO NOT have to be earnings 'loads' to not get WTC. In fact the cut off point is ridiculously low - something like £16k (sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong). Not a great salary by any standard is it?