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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

ex threatening to take son

98 replies

Happylander · 21/12/2011 20:05

My ex has recently walked out on me and moved in with his OW. He is now threatening to take my son and apply for custody and told me he has already filled in the paperwork. I have now told him he can only see my DS in my company as I am terrified he won't bring my DS back.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Happylander · 22/12/2011 20:29

Thank you for all the offers of help and much appreciated. I read a draft from solicitor that was going to be sent to him this afternoon. I am hoping he will back off a bit now but I have a funny feeling he won't. She made him very aware of the childrens act and in particular section 1 in regards to housing and providing for our DS.

She also told him that he is to make no attempt to remove our DS from my care and that he will only be allowed to see him if he agrees to this. She also pointed out to him that it is extremely unlikely that a judge will remove our DS from my care and give him to him and that he seriously needs to seek legal advice if he thinks he is going to win a custody battle. I also get legal aid unlike him and she was very firm about things this time around.

Solicitor also mentioned the house situation in the letter and so hoping that will get cleared up in the New Year and deeds signed over to me but he will keep his name on mortgage.....well actually he doesn't have a say in that as mortgage company won't give me one in my own right anyway. He isn't paying any of the mortgage so don't know why he is bothered and OW owns her own flat that he moved into as soon as he left me.

Anyway off to eat chocolate

OP posts:

flippinada · 22/12/2011 20:36

Glad you're getting some good advice and support Happylander :).

I too would be astonished if he got residence. I'm afraid to say this is a tactic often used by abusers as a way to get at the resident parent (who is usually the mother).

flippinada · 22/12/2011 20:38

Oops, posted too soon - I meant to add that the thread is generally without any foundation in reality and is just used to cause distress.

flippinada · 22/12/2011 20:39

The thread??? I mean the THREAT.

ballstoit · 22/12/2011 20:43

Good to hear that your solicitor has stepped up her game.

Do make a CAB appointment asap. There's every chance you could get the loan payments reduced in the circumstances.

Enjoy your chocolate xx

youngermother1 · 22/12/2011 20:53

I assume the current WTC calculation was based on your combined income - you will get more based on only your own income and I think there is a single parent uplift.

Original poster

Happylander · 22/12/2011 20:57

No that was based on my wage only. I went to CAB and they told me that was the only benefit I was entitled to apart from single person council tax. I was a bit miffed at it being only £11 a week but she said I had no childcare costs (have fab mum) so that is all it is.

OP posts:

oldmerryolesoul · 22/12/2011 23:44

If his net pay is £2100 he should be paying more than £200, I would ask CSA to recalculate

ballstoit · 22/12/2011 23:51

oldmerry seems about right by CSA calculation, op's ex has another child who I presume he also pays for. CSA would deduct 20% which would be split between the 2 DC.

cestlavielife · 22/12/2011 23:55

The finances is complicated as not married especial if you can't take on mortgage yourself.
You will need good advice.
The loan is yours only if only in your name.

I think you should see how he reacts but maybe file for residency a s a p .

Original poster

Happylander · 23/12/2011 13:44

He came for his 30 mins and I was really shocked that he wouldn't stay longer. I was mainly in the back room and he and DS were playing in his bedroom so I wasn't in his face. There were a few words said that shouldn't have been at first but only for a few mins. I asked him on what grounds he is going for custody and he said 'you can't afford to keep him'

My cousin and her husband were here in the back room and when he left they took Jake as he started on at me again at the door and we had a bit of an arguement. he just walked off laughing saying that he can't wait to go to court and take my DS from me.

Jake gave him his christmas card that I had helped him make but did not get one back stupid thing I know but did feel a bit sad at that. I think it is all so sad that because of his threats it has come to this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Happylander · 23/12/2011 13:46

Sorry should have said I did not get a card from DS. I stupidly thought he might have got a card from Jake to give to me.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 23/12/2011 13:49

you work so you CAN afford to keep him.

dont ask him why or what any more

dont argue any more.

jsut smile and say "see you in court then" .

dont argue with him. he will be recording/noting this and will use this against you. stay cool and calm.

you know you have been the main carer and no judge is going to change where ds sleeps overnights most of the time for no good reason.

however, a judge could indeed order overnights at dad's.

Original poster

Happylander · 23/12/2011 13:57

Before he started threatening custody I was asking him to have him overnight as obviously good for DS to spend quality time with his dad. He kept saying no, he couldn't afford it, had plans blah blah. I even asked him if he was having DS when he had a week off but he said he was going on holiday (going with OW and booked by the time I spoke to him 2 days after he left me).

I would be happy for him to see our DS as long as I knew without a doubt he would be bought back to me but unfortunately when someone keeps saying they are gong to take him that trust goes. I am struggling with the trust aspect.

His next day for contact is the 15th Jan. This is a date he requested..he sent me a list of dates I agreed them all apart from one when we (DS and I) are going on a holiday that was booked and paid for before he left me and nn refundable. Maybe if his threats have stopped I will feel less anxious and he can see him on his own. Who knows!

OP posts:

OhdearNigel · 23/12/2011 14:12

This may be helpful

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/pdfs/Legal/when_parents_separate_2011.pdf

There are also some other guides on that website for divorcing women

OhdearNigel · 23/12/2011 14:24

There are centres where supervised contact can take place - I second the lady that said to speak to social services; they get a very bad press but most of the social workers I come into contact through at work are conscientious and try their very best to help the families on their caseload. SS would be able to arrange supervised contact for you and you woudn't need to worry about him kidnapping DS

Original poster

Happylander · 23/12/2011 14:28

Thank you for that link. I never realised I would have to get his permission to go on holiday.

OP posts:

OhdearNigel · 23/12/2011 14:39

From what you've said on here there is no way in the world that a judge is going to grant him custody. Take away a child from his mother to go and live with someone who has seen him for a maximum of 100 weekends ? Your H is either living in cloud-cuckoo land or trying to manipulate you.

kelly2000 · 23/12/2011 15:58

As far as I am aware children cannot be removed from their parents for financial reasons. If ex tried to argue this, your solicitor coudl always say that ex is refusing to pay more child support, but is welcome to pay more.

sitandnatter · 23/12/2011 16:41

Your ex is talking out of his botty Happy. If a non resident parent went to a solicitor and said I need your help getting to see my child. Then asked what he'd ask for and that they'd been granted the solicitor would ask him what he was doing there.

Leaving the mother of your children too poor to care for them isn't going to make him father of the year, nor is it going to go in his favour when asking for residency.

You have been his main carer since day one that is not going to change, no judge would order it as there are no grounds and the father hasn't exactly been enjoying shared care of the child while you were together.

From the way your ex is talking he hasn't even spoken to a solicitor, a bully full of hot air and wind.

sitandnatter · 23/12/2011 16:44

Happy I am fairly sure you don't need his permission to take the child on holiday, I'm fairly sure you only need the agreement of those with Joint Parental Responsibility if you are going to be out of the country for more than 28 days. In this country you don't need to tell him diddly squat.

flippinada · 23/12/2011 21:11

I agree that the ex is being a bully. Do not engage, do not argue - that's what he wants. And children don't get taken away from their main carer because they are poor so ignore that crap. Its just a nasty way of having a dig.

Can I also make a suggestion? If you are not doing so already, please take a note of everything he says and does. Inlcuding crap like going on holiday with OW instead of looking after DS. If it comes to to court (hopefully it won't) then you will be grateful you did.

flippinada · 23/12/2011 21:13

One more thing, please don't waste your time and energy hoping that ex will behave decently. I can guarantee he won't.

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