ex threatening to take son

[Happylander]

My ex has recently walked out on me and moved in with his OW. He is now threatening to take my son and apply for custody and told me he has already filled in the paperwork. I have now told him he can only see my DS in my company as I am terrified he won't bring my DS back.

AIBU?

He went to CSA himself so he only had to pay £220 instead of the £300 I was asking. He has another child and she had to get a residence order as she was scared. I stupidly at the time thought she was being very over the top but then I was only hearing his side of the story and I have now found he lies about a lot.

It is joint mortgage he has paid towards last 2 months but that has taken some doing on my part and he will not pay anymore.

I am only entitled to £11 working tax credits according to CAB and no other benefits.

He is now blocked on mobile phone and he has never rung a lot but is always abusive when he does/drunk. I am not saying I have been an angel here as I did get angry back plus I have sent a lot of texts begging for money. I have stopped all that now.

Totally forgot about freecycle will look in new year.

If he defaults on his part of the mortgage agreement, I'd ask CAB where that leaves you. Are you protected if you can prove you're fulfilling your part of the agreement?

WRT keeping DS warm, use extra layers of clothing. Have you tried price comparison websites? Are you getting the best price for your electric/gas etc.

TBH I don't want him paying the mortgage as he is then entitled to some of the property. Luckily for me I had a deeds of trust written and this was because he was told his first wife could go after the house when the financial side of the divorce happened. He technically only owns 18%.....I must have known subconsciously then that he was an arse!!

What if he tries to take my DS when he sees him on Friday? Despite me saying he can see him for the whole day as arranged but not leave the house he has decided to only see him for 30 mins. He says that this is my fault as he can't bear to be in the same house as me. I said to him that I wasn't the one that had an affair and walked out and if I could stand him being in my house for sake of our DS then he should be able to as well. It is about a 2 hour drive for him to get to my house and he is only staying 30 mins.

If things are as bad as they seem to be between you then I think you being in the same house at the same time is not a good idea to be honest. Is there someone you both trust who could kind of step in to keep an eye and allow you to leave the situation and get some space at all?

I'd put a hold on all contact. I hope you don't mind, but I forwarded the thread to a friend who has experience of this, and she's provided some advice.

Firstly, report the abusive behaviour to the police. This would be the phone calls, and the threats to take your DS. That falls under emotional abuse, and I may be mistaken, but I think him using your PTSD against you falls under psychological abuse.

Secondly, it may be worth talking to social services. They're on your side, and please try not to worry. You will need to tell them everything, and they will help. This is a child protection issue, as your ex is acting in an abusive manner. Do not allow any unsupervised access at all; If you can withold all access, please do so.

Thirdly. Change solicitors, pronto and apply for a residency order. He can't just turn up at court and get custody... He's talking out of his arse cos he knows this scares you. You would need to be invited to any custody hearing,

Fourthly. Apply for WTC if you're not claiming. Also, contact the CSA and check that the amounts you are receiving are correct. Ask them to apply an attatchment of earnings, which means he won't be able to mess you about with regards to payments.

Hope this is some help to you.

Do you have support right now?

Yes I am extremely lucky in that I have great friends and family. Numerous offers to have my DS if I need some space or time to just get out. I know that I am luckier than some people as he is paying what the CSA state unfortunately for me it just covers the loan I took out in my name to pay stuff off.

I was not going to be alone in the house with him. I would also never have an arguement with him in front of my DS. No matter what I think of the arse I do not want my DS witnessing my hate for the man and I would always be 'friendly' to his face when my DS was present. He is also only staying for 30 mins instead of the whole day. Well that is how long he states he is staying for.

I am wary to go to the police as I haven't exactly been nice about him in texts and emails. However, I have made no threats. I just feel that will inflame the situation and make him more angry.

It doesn't matter that you haven't been "nice" to him in texts and emails. what matters is the fact he is abusing you.

If he says he is only staying for half an hour, make sure he stays for that alone. I'd say "make plans" for which you and DS need to leave as soon as the half hour is up. Not sure if anyone else has any ideas.

How are you feeling today?

Do you really think he & OW WANT A TWO YEAR OLD T get in their way??

I think it is hot air, you know from his dd how much time he would want to have ds for.

I think if you start stipulating see him here then it could backfire.

Could back fire how? I have only said that he has to see him here as he has threatened to take my DS and go for custody. Before that I was trying to get him to have him overnight but he wouldn't.

RedHelen, I think while the threats are there, stipulations on his access to DS are the wisest option. Better safe than sorry

Happylander, could you negotiate with the loan company - they won't like it but your circumstances have definitely changed for the worst financially? You are well within your rights to say to them "look I can no longer afford this repayment but will send you (a lesser amount) instead". At the end of the day you and your DC come first - not the loan company.

Oh and given the moans of your ex regarding times not being suitable etc to see his DS - how on earth would he manage if he had DS the whole time. Answer is he wouldn't and he is making threats, agree with everyone else - report the abusive calls to the police and tell your ex that everything else has tpo be in writing via text or letter. Tell him you will keep any abusive ones for a court to see. What an utter arsehole he is.

But it is his son too so not really a threat as such? He's not saying you would never see him again? He's not threatening to harm him?

BTW, he does have the right to come & collect his son at any point so I think a double bluff may be in order here, suggest he has him for LOADS of time !!!

FWIW I know loads of couples battling in the courts & when the access was granted it has slipped BUT the best solution is not to let things escalate. And you say yourself that you have sent some emails & texts that were done in the heat of the moment.

Will he then report your texts and emails to the police?

Unhelpful post RedHelen.

I think you need to do two things Happylander. Find a new solicitor who will take this situation seriously (you might be able to get Women's Aid to recommend one in your area) and secondly contact the loan company to renegotiate payments so you can afford to live.

It would also be worth discussing with the solicitor that he has landed you with this debt.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/Expectingorbringingupchildren/index.htm

^^ first port of call for anythng legal -the direct.gov.uk site

if your income is that reduced, then you are probably entitled to tax credits that you aren't currently claiming

This might be a painful thing to hear but you say he left you right after you spent the last of your inheritance. Coupled with the fact he's landed you in massive debt, it sounds like he's a financial parasite/abuser. It's probably worth bearing in mind that probably everything he does is motivated by money.

redhelen he is threatening to take my DS from me!! My DS that I look after all the time to go live with him and his new woman over 2 hours away! A woman he has never met and with a father who has only seen him twice in 2 months!! You think it is okay that I just hand him over knowing he probably won't bring him back and then I will have to fight to see him. He may be his father but he has shown little care about him and has left me with no money for food or heating.

As I have already said when he first left me I was reasonable and asked him why he wasn't having his DS more but he refused. He then got nasty and I have had constant stream of threats that he will take him. He has tried to get us thrown out the house and therefore homeless!

He did not live with us during the week and only came home at weekends and you think it is okay to now change roles and he have him all the time and I only seen when he sees fit. I love my DS and I am not willing to lose him to a man that so easily walked out on us!

Only online briefly atm, but I'd take thunderbolts and SGM's advice, even if you don't take anything else from this thread.Hope you're ok...

I am waiting on a call back from the solicitor I have already seen. I am hoping that if I push the fact that these threats are still continuing she will take me a bit more seriously. The firm were recommended by another solicitors and I was told they fight hard to keep you in your house etc. Plus it is legal aid so I don't pay.

I can't keep going with this level of stress and animosity.

hey

I know you in RL so know more of this back story, though probably not all.

Everyone (well mostly - RedHelen ) speaks sense, new lawyer, get some more financial advice about consolidating your loans/debts etc and then you should be able to make smaller payments back each month. of course this extends the life of payments but at least frees you up some money each month. you could always move DS into your room to sleep and rent out his room if things get really tight (realise this is last resort, but its only to sleep)

Be happy that at least you are getting something each month from the arse, and ignore all his talk, there is no judge going to take him away from you to him, not with his parenting history and his job, you have a much more stable lifestyle and a massive family support.

Also, be happy for the small mercy that a second baby hadn't come into the picture, things would be so much harder for you now.

Not sure I am being a help but you will get through this and you and DS will be OK, try not to worry. New year, new start.

Big Love x

Happylander Ex-H refused to give me or my solicitor an address when he first left and I only allowed supervised contact until he had provided me with them. My solicitor explained that this is seen more positively by the court as you are not withholding contact, but acting to protect the child from potential harm.

Do you have someone else to supervise contact for you? Or to at least be there too? And do you have a recording facility on your mobile or could you get hold of a dictaphone? You may not be planning to behave badly in front of your DS, but I very much doubt that your ex has the same plan.

Make an appointment with CAB for financial management advice. You need help to prioritise the reduced income you have coming in to the household. Or take a look at Money Saving Expert. You need to keep the roof over your head as first priority, but next is food and heating, loans and credit cards are last priority. Have you applied for single person discount on council tax?

Lots of good advice here. If you do go ahead with the visit, please make sure there's someone else in the house with you.

He's bullying you, pure and simple. I think sometimes it helps to 'name' it, IYSWIM. Its just bullying, he's a cocknobber and a bully. You can get through this, but you need to focus on the practical steps (lawyer, debt management). You can't control his behaviour, only your response to it.

Hugs to you. If you're anywhere near Edinburgh pm me. I'll have a spare cotbed in January, which will last you for a couple of years (my DS is 6 so plenty room for yours).

BTW, he does have the right to come & collect his son at any point so I think a double bluff may be in order here, suggest he has him for LOADS of time !!!

No he doesn't that is absolute tosh. If he comes to the door and asks for the child she doesn't even have to open the door to him. If the house is jointly owned he has the right to enter but if he starts to try to take the child a 999 call would get him hoisted off without the child. Honestly, sometimes I think people on here are F4J nuts undercover, I really do. Not directed at you Helen but some of the "advise" to flood abusive exes who are threatening to take the child with loads of contact beggars belief sometimes.

OK what I'd be doing if the house is in joint names is to go to court to ask for an occupation order on the property until the finances and divorce are finalised. This gives you the absolute right to live there with your child and will stop him from having the right to enter even with a key until the divorce is settled.

You do need legal advice and under no circumstances does he get unsupervised contact, I wouldn't give him supervised until there is a court order in place where you can take action to have the child returned if he doesn't.

It sounds to me that he has his hands full paying for one child and doesn't want to have to pay for another. Nothing like being skint to make the OW realise she hasn't got quite the catch she thought she had, or perhaps I'm just cynical.