...to expect thank you cards?

[greenmoo]

Just been wrapping presents for all the children in DP's extended family and whilst I was doing it I couldn't help but be a bit resentful that I won't get any recognition for the effort - every year we give these kids presents and every year we never hear anything back from them: not a thank you card, not a phone call, nothing. When I was a kid after Christmas my mum made me sit and write a card to everybody who'd given me a present. At the minute I send cards on behalf of my DS coz he's only 3 but when he's older I'll do the same. I think it's not only a nice thing to do, it's polite and gracious.

Am I being a right old Scrooge? After all, kids love presents, we're bringing them joy and all that, right? Except I'm left with no idea whether or not the kids even play with these things.

Also, as for many people at the minute, money is tight in our house and Christmas is an expense we could do without. That adds to my resentment at the lack of appreciation.

1Catherine1, of course you don't give presents just to get a thank you, that's ridiculous. But if you don't get a thank you then that's plain rude of the recipient - same as for other social occasions where a thank you is expected, from holding doors open to giving people lifts to looking after their pets when they go away. If the giver expects a thank you that doesn't make it "all about them" .

I send Thank you cards to anyone who gives me a present [and ds does] just basic manners I think.

Also if I send presents and they don't say thank you I get miffed. [and their present gets crapper]

You send a gift for the joy of giving, especially to a child. A Christmas gift is unsolicited, and you you have the choice not to send one.

If it is important to you to receive a thank you card, why not tell the parents of the non-card-writing children that you will not be sending any more presents unless a card is sent to say thank you? I know I would tell you where to stick your presents! But, hey - if it makes you feel better then it's worth it, no?

In our household, manners are of the utmost importance. And 'thank yous' are essential in one form or another, whether it be a note, an email, a phone call or a kiss on the cheek and a whispered 'thank you' in person. But the strict adherence to someone else's requirements just to stop them throwing a tantrum is not required. It is generally assumed that the tantrum-thrower is the rude one. Especially when it is an adult who is sulking, especially when it is over the behaviour of a small child, and really very especially when it is over a gift that the giver is supposed to feel joy over giving, not over the receiving of something in return.

What backinthebox said I do think if you expect a handwrittted sealed in wax card then dont send presents , Im sure most people are grateful and pleased with their present and a simple thank you should be enough for anybody

Excellent post backinthebox

But OP, if anyone is paying attention (and it doesn't seem they are) said she doesn't get any kind of thank you.

I would not send presents but then DP would insist, he'd think not giving presents was really out of order (he puts up with no end of rude behaviour from his family, but no matter how crap they treat him he always goes back for more). And if I refused to buy and wrap them he'd do it himself, and then they would get something weird, old-fashioned toiletries or obscure books (DP is hopeless at choosing presents), and it'd be badly wrapped to boot (seriously, you could throw the wrapping paper and sellotape at it and it wouldn't look any worse). Plus DP works hard, as a teacher, and I'd feel guilty making him do any Christmas stuff. He always looks haggard and complains constantly of feeling tired at this time of year.

Argh! Basically I just find DP's family a nightmare all year round. I wish we could have nothing to do with them.

P.S. I think it's important even if you've said thank you for a present as it's been handed to you in person to say thank you again after you've taken it home and opened it. The first time you're saying thank you generally, the second time you're saying thank you for a specific item, (hopefully) carefully chosen just for you.

I think it is really important to send a thank you card if you don't actually see the person. I get really fed up with one of my DBs boys (now teenagers) who literally never even say thank you if I do give them a present in person! It is so rude.

Backinthebox - but some people on this thread are talking about not getting any thanks at all - whether it is a letter/card/text or whatever - surely you would find it unacceptable to not even get a verbal 'thankyou'? I send quite a few gifts/vouchers through the post so I do not 'see' the gift being opened and yes, I do get miffed if I don't get some sort of thanks - but am not tough enough to stop sending presents .

As with many here, I do thank you notes if I haven't seen the giver in person. If the giver is a young person, friend or whatnot then a text/call/email maybe.

I don't expect thank you cards, but a thank you is nice.

Every year I buy presents for my half-brother, his wife, their 3 kids and their 3 great-grandkids. Every year the presents aren't even acknowledged. Meh.

Hmmmm. I don't expect a thankyou card if I give a gift but I do expect a thankyou in some form.
I did a AIBU post the other week about expecting a thankyou for a baby gift and was slated for expecting one! However, I feel that that was more to do with the fact that she was my step daughters mother and so obviously I was the wicked witch and was expecting far too much from the poor hard done by soul.........

Sorry, because the thread title was 'AIBU... to expect a thank you card,' I thought it was about cards. Otherwise the OP would have written 'AIBU to expect a thank you.' Maybe a little renegade 'card' just slipped in there?

My uncle had a godson who was off travelling. He gave him a £50 cheque towards his savings. Unusually he never received a thank you. He next saw him at the boy's leaving do just as he was about to set off when he came up and said "Sorry I never got around to writing a thank-you, I just got busy" at which point my uncle reached into his jacket for another cheque, this time made out for £300 and said "what a shame as I was going to send you this - I suppose I might just have been a bit busy too. Anyway, too late now." and tore up the cheque.

I think it's important to send thank youos. No, you don't give in order to get a thank you, but it is just basic courtesy and recognition that someone has done something for you.

We never really had to do this as a child, not often. Neither did dh.
I read something on here about life lessons, and one of the posters said that writing thank you cards had gained her so much goodwill and pleasure in life, out of all proportion to the effort. I was going to make dc do it anyway (now old enough) but that decided me for sure.

Also I can think of times (after weddings for example) where thank yous haven't been sent, and MAN people don't forget that
If you're reading, vile SIL, I mean you.

Two words - good manners.

I used to do it with childish resentment, but as LePrune mentioned, I now write cards, not just for presents, but for other bits and pieces too. A well written thank you makes people feel really warm inside and when someone has done something for me I really want to make them understand how much that means to me. I still probably only write about 50% of the ones I think of doing and really should get off my arse and write them all.

YANBU - every person who gives a gift to my kids/me/DH get a thanks either a phonecall, text, note ...blah blah. Its called being polite & shows we have manners.

I want my kids to grow up being thankfull for what they receive (like I was raised)......some parents need to re-educate themselves & lean how to say a simple thank you & pass it on to their kids.

If you sent my ds a birthday present he is writing his thank you cards but it is taking him a very long time. He is drawing a picture and painfully spelling out every word in every letter though

betterwhenthesunshines your uncle sounds pretty unpleasant to do that. That's just downright nasty. I'm v v scatty, forgetful and disorganised, nowadays I'd be diagnosed with ADD, in the olden days it was just seen as aprt of my personality. I do forget things even when I've got the best intentions and get so frustrated with myself, my short term memory hardly exists. I've forgotten thankyou cards in the past, and have apologised when I've seen the person later on. Luckily I've never had such an unpleasant reaction as your uncles.

I was going to say the same about the uncle, what a tosser though the nephew should have said thanks! I think people who think thank you cards is the only acceptable form of thanks are just downright rude and I can imagine them being a very judgemental, black and White person in all aspects of their life.

YABU to expect a card. It is rather old fashioned and tbh I wouldn't know what to do with one if I ever received one. If you only do something to get a "thank you" then you really shouldn't bother.

As a general point, I think that to say that if you only do soemthing to get a thank you the nyou shuldn't bother, is a way of justifying being rude. I think if someone has taken the trouble to do something for you or your kids, be it a present or a dinner or suchlike, the least you cna do is thank them, in some form or other