Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

...to expect thank you cards?

103 replies

greenmoo · 21/12/2011 12:59

Just been wrapping presents for all the children in DP's extended family and whilst I was doing it I couldn't help but be a bit resentful that I won't get any recognition for the effort - every year we give these kids presents and every year we never hear anything back from them: not a thank you card, not a phone call, nothing. When I was a kid after Christmas my mum made me sit and write a card to everybody who'd given me a present. At the minute I send cards on behalf of my DS coz he's only 3 but when he's older I'll do the same. I think it's not only a nice thing to do, it's polite and gracious.

Am I being a right old Scrooge? After all, kids love presents, we're bringing them joy and all that, right? Except I'm left with no idea whether or not the kids even play with these things.

Also, as for many people at the minute, money is tight in our house and Christmas is an expense we could do without. That adds to my resentment at the lack of appreciation.

OP posts:

catsrus · 21/12/2011 13:47

This was not a custom in my family, or that of friends, when I was growing up - I did know the custom existed as I'd seen enough old black and white films of elegant ladies at their desks writing equally elegant 'thank you' cards.

My dcs were brought up to say thank you for gifts, but not to write cards it certainly is not rude not to send a card, it is simply a matter of different family customs. If a gift is genuinely given for the benefit of the recipient then their pleasure in receiving it should be thanks enough - otherwise it's not really a gift is it? it's a barter requiring something back to make the giver feel good

zukiecat · 21/12/2011 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 21/12/2011 14:11

Hmm I am in the "definately should send thank you's to gift givers"
however have come to realise that they often don't come in return.
I send thank you cards for all sorts of things.
If we have been to friends for the weekend and had a lovely time I send a card to say thanks for a nice weekend.
Been for dinner at someones house (not out to a restaurant) I send a thank you card.
Birthday, christmas, general gifts always get a thank you card.
the other thing about families and gift givers being in a different town / country and not seeing eachother, without some kind of thank you contact (phone text email or card) there can be a sense of not knowing if the person got the gift.

missmapp · 21/12/2011 14:18

We send cards if the gift is not recieved in person, and try to keep to my mothers mantra of sending them out before the new year. I know you shouldnt give to recieve, but I do think you should always say thank you, and if you cannot do that in person, then a card does it instead.

blaaahh · 21/12/2011 14:19

My Dds always write their thank you cards on boxing day - with a nice personal message etc.
If you get into the habit of it when they are younger, they will cpntinue doing it - it's just manners imo

Original poster

greenmoo · 21/12/2011 14:51

When I said extended family I meant DP's nieces and nephews (he's one of four and there's quite a few of them). Some of these presents are given in person, and no, I don't recall the children or the parents ever saying thank you. Even if they have I think it's one thing to say thanks when you're handed a wrapped present and another to say it when you've taken it away and opened it, IYSWIM.

Some are posted and to be fair my sister-in-law-type-person usually sends a thank you text. It's not quite the same as a card, which involves making an effort, but I'll concede it's better than nothing.

catsrus, the thing is I have no idea whether the kids get any pleasure from receiving this stuff, we hand it over and it's never mentioned again. You'd presume they do coz they're kids and it's not like we get them anything weird but you don't know. I'm honest in my cards - if DS loves something and plays with it all the time I say so. If it's something he's not too bothered about I just put a simple thank you.

The fact that I send cards for the presents they've given us should've hinted to them that I expect similiar, surely?

OP posts:

mrsjay · 21/12/2011 14:53

A simple thank you should be enough why do you want a card/letter , Its over polite tbh not really needed ,

minciepie · 21/12/2011 14:56

I think it's right to say thank you for a present. But saying thank you in person, either at the time or next time you see the gift giver, or calling them, or sending a text, is just as good as a card IMO.

Why on earth is thanks more valuable because someone has written it in a card?

papooshka · 21/12/2011 14:56

YANBU...a letter/card/phone call/text/email is not difficult to do.... (done if present not opened in front of giver and thanks said then)

Its a big bugbear of mine!

papooshka · 21/12/2011 15:00

I don't think its about family customs either, its simple politeness and good manners. If you don't receive a thankyou (in whatever form) when you have sent a gift, then you don't know if they have actually received it. And its not about giving to get something back, a thankyou is hardly to make you feel better, its manners!

Ragwort · 21/12/2011 15:00

YANBU - it is a basic courtesey to send a thank you note/card/letter (email or text as last resort ) - in fact I have just reminded my DS about writing his thank you letters after Christmas. It is not entirely necessary if you hand over the gifts in person - but then of course the receiver should be thanked properly as the gift is given.

(I wonder if this is an age related thing?)

Ragwort · 21/12/2011 15:01

Good point papooshka - how do you know the gifts have arrived if you don't get a thank you?

MellowMeadow · 21/12/2011 15:04

I don't think a card is needed for everyone, but I agree with thanking people. Usually DD will do it by phone, email or in person if we'll be meeting them soon. Relatives only get a card if they've been particularly generous (Like my mother) and we're not going to see them. All involved seem fine with the arrangement.

I'd be a bit peeved if I always sent someone a present and never got a thank you in return, but it's needn't be much.

KD0706 · 21/12/2011 15:05

YANBU.
We will see some family on Christmas day and DD will open her gifts in front of them and we/she will say thank you there and then, so we won't send thank you notes for those presents. But presents from people who don't see her opening them, we will send thank you notes for.

I don't have a specific timescale for sending the cards, but I like the idea if the poster who said they should be done before new years and I think I will adopt that.

sozzledchops · 21/12/2011 17:36

Any kind of thanks should be sufficient. Those who insist that hand written cards is the only polite way just sound intolerant, rude and stuck up TBH. I'd rather you kept your miserly present if it is grudges and the form of thanks judged.

bubblebubblebubblepop · 21/12/2011 19:14

YANBU. It's common courtesy to thank someone for a present. A thank you note, card, text, e-mail - just some kind of acknowledgement. Otherwise how do you even know they've received it?

OldGreyWassailTest · 21/12/2011 19:27

I have been giving money to my Great Niece for 4 years at Christmas. Despite being 'friends' with my Nephew on Facebook I have never received even anacknowledgement. This year I shall not be giving anything.

Sparklingbaubles · 21/12/2011 19:29

I get an acknowledgement from a friend's son. When the cheque I send him goes through my bank account.

FestiveFrollockingFrenzy · 21/12/2011 19:33

I don't do thank you cards, but definitely a thank you in the flesh, phone, text or email.

tulipgrower · 21/12/2011 19:41

I think a thankyou for birthday and Christmas presents in some form (in person,card,email,text,smoke signal,...) is a must, but my DH doesn't. Actually he says we should send a card, but never does. So my relatives get thanked, and his don't. (Although for our wedding and the kids births we did send thankyou cards to all. But then again, they were all addressed to me too, so I basically sorted the cards.)

candrcane · 21/12/2011 19:59

I always had to write them and so will my DS. As a primary teacher I encourage it as children hardly write letters anymore but on the curriculum they need to know how and it is useful to link it to real world situations i.e. thank you letters.

HereKittyKitty · 21/12/2011 20:03

YANBU. A thank you, whatever the format, is very important.

gingysmummy · 21/12/2011 20:10

yanbu, my ds is now 5 and every gift he has recieved i have alway written a thank you for,now he is older i can help him to write them.my feeling is if someone has went to the trouble of thinking about my ds the effort etc then it's only right that you reconise this by thanking them.i have a friend with 4 kids and she expects £20 per child per gift which i really find hard as thats £80 on one family when i only spend £100 on my ds,But what angers me she never thanks me or mentions the gifts.plus my ds usually gets some sale tat as i went to return an item which was unsuitable and it was 50p!
(soz rant over)

whackamole · 21/12/2011 20:19

A thanks of some description is only polite. I don't send cards, but then I speak to all my family on Xmas day anyway so give it verbally. I send cards from my children to the few relatives that send presents to them that we don't see regularly. For example, my aunt hasn't actually met my 8 week old yet, but she has sent him a voucher. I will send her a little card.

daytoday · 21/12/2011 20:57

The rudest people I have ever met all seem to get into a tizzy about thank you cards. I don't judge someone as 'rude' because they don't sent one.

I couldn't give a fig if someone didn't send me a thank you card. Its absolutely lovely to get one, but I wouldn't expect one. Normally people will thank you, in person, on the phone, email. I send gifts for other people to enjoy - not for me to put a big X over their face - or draw a pair of horns on their head - because they haven't sent thank you cards.

I do send them to older relatives and anyone to whom I know it matter.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5