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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Birthday, not the child's fault

105 replies

Angelswings · 20/12/2011 11:13

Please help me get a perspective on this, I'm feeling really angry and want to know if IABU to feel this way

Child A, Let's call him Harry, has a Christmas eve birthday and his mum is throwing a party on Friday with a sleepover till Saturday (the birthday). My son is going.

Child B, let's call him Ben has also been invited but is not allowed to go as it's to near to christmas, even though Bens family is not going away for christmas.

Harry was in a bad car crash last December and spent 10 days in hospital with a serious head injury. Harry was in hospital for his 8th birthday as well as Christmas.

Is Ben's mum being rather selfish? Harry really wants Ben to be there.

I want to ask her how she would feel if one of her children had a Christmas birthday and they really wanted a special party after such a bad time last year.

AIBU

OP posts:
4madboys · 20/12/2011 13:06

exactly slave which is is precisely what i did! ds3 had his party ont he 17th and we have had relatives visting who have made a fuss of him and then on his actual bday we will have a bday tea with just us, having 5 kids means its a party anyway! and he also has one close friend who has asked if she can come round to wish him a happy birthday on the day :) so the reality is his bday celebrations have been spread over a week and a half, which he has loved! Grin

spiderpig8 · 20/12/2011 13:10

my DD has a christmas birthday, I always arrange her party for a week or two before.

Original poster
Angelswings · 20/12/2011 13:14

I'll see you there Doesnotgiveafig.

Ben's mum didn't get back to Harry's mum every time she texted. I rather got caught in the middle as Harry's mum asked me to ask Ben's mum.

The situation is complicated because Harrys parents are not together and both parents work full time so it's weekend onlys for parties.

OP posts:
stuffthenonsense · 20/12/2011 13:19

oh poor Harry.....a birthday is ONE day a year where you are supposed to feel special....it is absolutely not the same to do it on a different day, yes its still a party, and its still fun...but its NOT the same. (yes i have a christmas birthday so i am biased about this).
christmas birthdays miss out EVERY year on such things as having Happy Birthday sung at school, being able to tell classmates about your day...it just gets swallowed up by christmas chatter. it is so important to that child that they are allowed to feel special for just that one day.
for those who dont have christmas birthdays please remember...
it is a birthday....no christmas cards with happy birthday written in,
always always use birthday wrapping paper..not christmas wrapping paper,
a child would definately prefer to unwrap a present on their birthday AND at christmas, even if it was 2 much cheaper gifts than the one birthdaycombinedwithchristmas present, there is no way anyone would combine a christmas present with a june birthday after all.
and actually it doesnt feel more special to have a christmas birthday, it is to feel forgotten...no birthday banners, cards just disappear amongst the christmas cards, people are too busy/tired/stressed to do parties.
(boy do i have issues Grin )
OP a happy birthday to Harry from me.

shemademedoit · 20/12/2011 13:20

It's hard to get it right. We've ended up having a party around June 26 and having a family meal out on my dd's b'day (Dec 26).

4madboys · 20/12/2011 13:29

i dont think they have to miss out as such tho, yes its a pita not having their party on their bday, but we always do a bday tea party at home, or go out for a meal on their actual bday, so they get extra celebrations tbh.

also we have found if we go out for a meal on his bday and then say to the restaraunt when we are out that it is his bday they make an extra fuss, we have had party poppers, hats, cakes etc all brought out and given to him (partly as its xmas the restaraunts ahve the stuff in stock) and people also feel a bit sorry for him having an xmas bday and so make more fuss?

i always just vowed to make sure it was still special for him.

dont talk to me about wrapping tho, ihave had to re-wrap some bday presents that have been deliverd by a relative in xmas paper!! grr. anyhow her bday is in early jan, so maybe i shall recycle some xmas wrapping paper for her present!

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 20/12/2011 13:32

I'm glad that Harry is alive and well to celebrate this year.

But I can completely understand why Ben's mum might feel the timing of the party and the sleepover is bad and has decided against letting Ben attend.

Harry is not missing out, he's getting a party and a sleepover and other friends will be there to celebrate with him.

I'm sure Harry does really want Ben to be there and it is a shame that he won't be. But you are coming across as someone who expects Harry to get everything he wants just because he has been very ill, and that's not a good thing for Harry or anyone else.

It's lovely that Harry is better now. My daughter was born and died in the week before Christmas. I fully understand that the family might want a big, special celebration this year because if things had been different for us I might have wanted a big celebration the following year too. I don't think they are wrong to want a big celebration, but you can't expect everyone to fit in with it at any time of year.

Christmas is a minefield anyway, everyone has plans and expectations and ideas of how they need it to be for it to be perfect. The way you have described it for Harry's family, it sounds very high pressure and perhaps Ben's mum is rightly concerned about that. If Ben took Harry's accident badly at the time, these celebrations now, that run right into Christmas Eve, might be just too much for him and she has to think of what is best for her son.

yellowraincoat · 20/12/2011 13:35

My birthday is right before Christmas too (tomorrow!) and to be honest, I just sort of got used to it being a bit of a non-event. As the child gets older, he will have to get used to it to: if he goes to uni, people will go away on or before his birthday, or people will have work or family commitments.

It's a shame, but c'est la vie.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 13:36
TheSecondComing · 20/12/2011 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

4madboys · 20/12/2011 13:41

lol doesnotgiveafig no more of just a promise to myself, plus tbh its his own dam fault he was due on the 1st december and was obviously stubborn! tbh i was just so bloody glad when he finally arrived i didnt give a dam about the date, interesting xmas tho with birthing pool still in the living rm! Grin

noonar · 20/12/2011 13:41

i think the issue is one of poor judgement on the part of the mum of the birthday boy. very few children have the party on the actual day, regardless of time of year. why not have it earlier/ later? i wouldnt dream of subjecting other parents to over tired children on xmas eve!

Cherriesarelovely · 20/12/2011 13:42

Sorry Ben's parents ANBU as far as I'm concerned. Yes, it is sad if he is not even allowed to go for the afternoon but we are all very busy at this time of the year and his family may already have something arranged. Not that I don't feel for Harry and his family especially since he had such a horrible time last year, poor thing. There could be all kinds of reasons why his parents don't want Ben to have a sleepover at this time of year.

Cherriesarelovely · 20/12/2011 13:51

I also do not get the current obsession with sleepovers! DD has had a few and always feel dreadful the next day.

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas · 20/12/2011 13:55

I Did read the thread properly

I just thought op was the mum as she seems so concerned about it

No need to be rude

itsstartingtofeelalotlikexmas · 20/12/2011 13:56

That was to OldGreyWassailTest

flyingspaghettimonster · 20/12/2011 14:23

YABU. How do you know what Ben's parents have planned? sadly as a December child Harry will learn his birthday will often go without a big turn out at any party... if the party meant so much to him the mother should have checked all parents could agree to it before choosing the date. His accident doesn't really play a part in en's parent's decision making.

I would be unhappy about my child doing a sleep over on the 23rd for all the reasons given by others. I'd let them, but would think Harry's parents had planned badly.

marriedandwreathedinholly · 20/12/2011 14:43

My son was born on Christmas day. We have occasionally done a little Christmas Eve tea with one or two friends. His main party has always been in the middle of January when everyone is back from where they want to go. Often his close friends have phoned on Xmas day and that has been lovely.

Harry's mum was wrong to organise the party without checking Ben was able to go if that was important. Could a treat not be arranged for Harry and Ben later?

If you are not Harry or Ben's mum I think you should keep out of it. It is for Harry and Ben's mum to sort out.

If I were Ben's mum I wouldn't want a tired child coming home on Christmas eve after a sleepover. They need to bright eyed and bushy tailed for visitors, crib/church services, etc..

Our ds is 17 this year. We have little say in what he does most of the time - on christmas day (even though it's his birthday) he has to fall in line because it's a family day.

spiderpig8 · 20/12/2011 18:48

What's with all the 'Ben's mum' this, and 'Harry's mum' that. What about the dad's??

spiderpig8 · 20/12/2011 18:48

Oh and harry's mum is to blame .It was a very bad judgment call to have a sleepover on the 23rd December.

youarekidding · 20/12/2011 19:17

I can see your point but also know my DS would not fair well xmas eve or day after a sleepover on night of 23rd. However my friends DD is boxing day birthday and due to her DH working hours we meet xmas eve for pressies and tea and elf visit with DVD for kids to watch and then boxing day for birthday tea for her DD. She however has another DD who's a mid year birthday she does a joint party for them both then.

RomanChristingle · 20/12/2011 21:23

We often have family over for a few days at Christmas that don't see the kids often so I don't think they'd be impressed if I sent dd off for a sleepover! YABU.

slavetofilofax · 20/12/2011 21:30

stuffthenonsense, you are right, you really do have issues!

Both of my children's birthdays are in the Summer holidays, and they have always been perfectly happy to have a family celebration on the day and then wait until the weekend before term starts to have parties. Or they just wait until their friends are back from holiday. They want their friends there more than they want the party on a specific day, so they just accept it. It's common sense.

I have no idea what you are on about with it being 'the same'. The same as what? It is what you make of it, and if you make it into two special days instead of one, not self respecting child is going to complain. If however you promote an attitude of 'poor Johnny doesn't get to have his party on the exact date he was born - how sad Sad' then of course it won't feel as special. But that would be down to the parents, not the date on the calendar.

4madboys · 20/12/2011 21:34

exactly slavetofilofax ds3 has his bday on 23rd dec so he has his party early, ds1 has his bday at the end of august so he waits until sept when they are back at school and everyone is back from their holidays! the both have a birthday tea party or a meal out on their bdays and presents etc but they have their party on a different date that is CONVENIENT, its not difficult and neither child misses out.

Indith · 20/12/2011 21:42

I don't get the obsession with precious offspring having to have the party on the day otherwise they miss out. Most of the time a person's birthday will fall on a week day. Surely nobody has the party after school during the week do they? Parties happen at the closest convenient weekend for all children, not just Christmas borns. Sometimes people are busy and it is virtually impossible to manage to get everyone there. Get over it.