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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas Birthday, not the child's fault

105 replies

Angelswings · 20/12/2011 11:13

Please help me get a perspective on this, I'm feeling really angry and want to know if IABU to feel this way

Child A, Let's call him Harry, has a Christmas eve birthday and his mum is throwing a party on Friday with a sleepover till Saturday (the birthday). My son is going.

Child B, let's call him Ben has also been invited but is not allowed to go as it's to near to christmas, even though Bens family is not going away for christmas.

Harry was in a bad car crash last December and spent 10 days in hospital with a serious head injury. Harry was in hospital for his 8th birthday as well as Christmas.

Is Ben's mum being rather selfish? Harry really wants Ben to be there.

I want to ask her how she would feel if one of her children had a Christmas birthday and they really wanted a special party after such a bad time last year.

AIBU

OP posts:
DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 11:48

If it makes you feel better, my birthday has been shunted around to accommodate a christening and a friends holiday already, and it's not til the beginning of april!

AFuckingFestiveKnackeredWoman · 20/12/2011 11:48

Sorry but yabu. Just because it doesn't fit in with you it doesn't make her selfish.
the only days off dh gets is Christmas eve and Christmas day so i would say no too

I understand that your son wants him there but that's life. And his time in hospital wasn't her fault so bringing it up to make her feel bad is a really shit thing todo!

Original poster
Angelswings · 20/12/2011 11:51

Thankfully I've been polite to Ben's mum. It's helpful to get other people's ideas and thoughts. I will continue to smile and be chatty with her.

The relevance of the car crash, is that this year is like a double celebration, two birthdays and a thanksgiving that he is not just alive, but has very little long term injury as a result of the crash

OP posts:
FizzyMoonDust · 20/12/2011 11:53

I think it's a good time to celebrate that he is alive etc etc, it's a shame that Ben's Mum doesn't think the same way but I can see her point of view, a tired child on Xmas eve is no fun. We have a family day out on Xmas Eve so I would be saying no for that reason.

MerylStrop · 20/12/2011 11:54

Thing is though, if Ben's attendance was vital to the success of the event, Harry's mum would have been wise to ask his mum first.
(that's what I do with my kids' best mates)
Maybe it will work out for just the afternoon.... or maybe they have to see Great Aunt Gertie who will freak if she doesn't have her clan gathered on the 23rd. Or something.

A1980 · 20/12/2011 11:56

Does it really have to be a sleep over? Why can't the second child just go for the party on Friday and go home.

TroublesomeEx · 20/12/2011 11:56

But OP that's a celebration for his family. Not everyone is going to celebrate in the same way. That's not the same as not being pleased and relieved of course.

At christmas families have their own plans and arrangements and it would be U of Harry's mum to assume that everyone else's priorities match hers.

I'm sure the boys will have a great time, even without Ben there.

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2011 11:57

OP are you sure you're not Harry's Mum?

Because if you aren't, you've put an awful lot of your nose into this one.

I will continue to smile and be chatty with her

I should bloody well think so too!

A1980 · 20/12/2011 11:59

I think she is the xmas birthday child's mum too.

Is she wasn't she wouldn't be so upset.

LordOfTheFlies · 20/12/2011 12:04

Harry being in hospital is relevant because the poor lad missed his last birthday and Christmas pretty much.

Maybe his mum thinks that a sleep over will be easier than taking children into town and trying to find entertainment and feed them.
Maybe she thinks it will give the parents a few hours peace before Christmas Eve to get things done.

angel maybe Ben isn't 100% at night (eneuresis) and his mum doesn't want to take the risk of embaressing her son and causing extra work?

slavetofilofax · 20/12/2011 12:04

Of course they are not being selfish.

It's a party invitation FFS, not a court summons! People are free to decline invitations if they wish. So what if they are not going away? They might still have plans. Or they might have family visiting and want to be able to spend some time with their child before the hosting begins.

Unfortunate as the car accident was, that doesn't mean other people should run their children's lives around it.

If Ben wants to go, then I think it's a bit mean to not let him, unless they have something special planned, but that is Ben's problem and no concern of Harrys.

It is especially no concern of yours.

My ds wanted a camping sleepover party for his mid summer birthday. We had the party two weeks after his actual birthday because the three friends that he really wanted there had holidays planned, so we arranged it so that everyone could be there. That's what you do if it matters to you that your chosen guests can make it. You plan around them. It's no big deal.

Original poster
Angelswings · 20/12/2011 12:05

No, I'm not the mum. I did spend time at the bedside last year, so am close. It's hard to forget, my DS was brilliant keeping Harry company and calm while I had time in the corridor with his mum while she cried her eyes out.

I see from your responses that I'm over the top in my anger and see that my involvement with the family is clouding my judgement

Thank God for MN making me see sense!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 20/12/2011 12:05

Eneuresis, is that bed wetting?

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 12:05

I think there are a number of harsh responses here. It really isn't the kid's fault when his birthday falls. I have a friend whose birthday is New Years Eve. She said it always made her sad as a child not to have a party for 'her' on her birthday (it was always more about NYE, or didn't happen as it was NYE and everyone is doing other things).

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2011 12:08

No-one's saying it's the kid's fault Fig

But at the same time it's not Ben's or his Mum's fault either.

RealiTreeCoveredInTinsel · 20/12/2011 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantasENormaSnob · 20/12/2011 12:10

23rd is a really shit day for a party.

None of my dc would be attending either tbh. Especially a sleepover.

FizzyChristmasFairyDust · 20/12/2011 12:12

Yes, Worra, it is.

slavetofilofax · 20/12/2011 12:12

Why couldn't Harry's Dad swop weekends so that his son could have the friends at the party that he wanted?

When my ds's birthdays fall on weekends (or with weekends that would be best for parties) that they would usually be with their Dad, we just rearrange. We are split up but we still both have involvement with planning for their birthdays. It is about them after all.

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2011 12:13

It is what Fizzy?

south345 · 20/12/2011 12:16

Harry's mums brave having a sleep over with doubly excited kids!

Upto the mum maybe he's not good at sleepovers my nearly 7 year old still comes home in floods of tears if he attempts a sleepover at friends and I get a late night call, and don't really see what his accident has to do with it but still bad for Harry that his friends not there.

SantasENormaSnob · 20/12/2011 12:17

Don't be so ridiculous fizzy.

It's more harrys mums fault for arranging it on such a stupid date.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 12:23

There you go "stupid date"! What? The day before the kid's birthday? I thought it was normal to want a birthday party when it's your birthday. How harsh is it to have to change it to another time every year because it's not convenient? The kid gets "punished" in a way because of when their birthday is.

It's not too bad having a party the day before xmas eve - kids can go for a few hours, they don't have to stay over.

DoesNotGiveAFig · 20/12/2011 12:24

And maybe they usually do have it another time - but are having it on the kids birthday this year because he's actually still here to celebrate it. Pft.

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2011 12:26

Fair points but I still don't see what that has to do with Ben's Mum and her personal Christmas arrangements Confused